URGENT Help me help DS TODAY please?

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Ds has a choice of Uni via Clearing.

He'd have to choose TODAY.

choice: ABERTAY(computing & cyber) or NAPIER (cyber & forensics)?

Factors to consider:

He has ASD. He is very Dyslexic. He has a heart condition. He'll need support.
He has a previous Disabled student assessment (ASD etc not heart condition)
Both Uni's say they will 'set things up asap (but it's quite late in the day)'

NAPIER Pro/cons:

Cons:

He'd have to go into Y2 Napier (entry via HNC) NOT confident about this at all.
He did a term there (before ill) & found it big, disorganised, SEN support slow
Room distant from Uni (1m is a struggle atm, no good bus), & a 'party place'. Small room on top floor (lifts available) all that is left at this stage.

Pluses: he likes Edinburgh, familiar, mix of students & clubs. A 'friend' is going.
Good canteen on site & easy food shops nearby (v nervous about feeding self)
Good Cardiac care in Edinburgh (saw a Consultant there privately already)

ABERTAY Pros/Cons:

Really good well organised course. Loads of info online. Students 'led through'
Fantastic tutor there, very accessible. Leads the clubs too. Met Ds - they liked.

Big comfy accessible room, ground floor, around corner from Uni: less walking.
Nice small city (feels less 'at home' than Ed though). Mostly Tech students.
Uni 'known for good SEN support'. Good ASD support in Dundee itself.

Minuses: further from home (2.5hrs vs 1 hr re support trips & home visits)
No Canteen - ds is really worried about feeding himself 3 times a day (& needs to eat regular & healthy re heart issues)
No current health connections (but Big City hospital around corner from Uni)

He is keen to go try. He's leaving a rotten situation here so I am keen for him too

He wants my advice. I am struggling to advise him properly due to my anxiety.
(feels SO important I'm scared to advise 'wrong')

Please help me think through what to prioritise ?

So, he has his place on the course now.
He has a nice room (£150 fee res. 7 days). He can move in anytime Sun pm onwards.

We went to Asda to get some kitchen bits yesterday & he had a really big panic attack.
He's shut down. Saying he 'can't do it' & 'is too stupid' (usual panic type statements for him, which he's got past before). But lots of he 'hates Dundee'. He looks really miserable & 'shut down'. I must admit I'm worried now.

It's ASD student induction Sun at 10.30. 8 don't drive & we can't get there in time so we are going up later by train & staying over.

I've got his stuff all packed & his Dad (we are Divorced & he is not supportive of Ds at all: they barely speak) has agreed 'to drive it up as a one off IF & when it's needed'

So, there is the option to drop him off at his Uni room on Sunday & just hope he copes. I'm going with confidence in, with & for him.
(& not think of the £7.5k due if he leaves after a week - it's an IQ room & they don't offer any refunds he knows this & is very aware of it)

If Ds totally panics I can try to book us into a hostel & spend a few days there this week. He can join in Freshers stuff, I can meet him in various cafes after, we can see student support together, find a GP etc. If he feels OK enough we can move him into his Uni room.

I'm playing it by ear. Wish us luck ...

I guess there's also another option: he moves in tomorrow & I 'lurk' in Dundee for a few days so he has a bit of transition/back up time. (I'd do anything to help make this work for him - either pulling off the plaster or gently easing it off whichever is best?)

Hope you can get it to work out for him. I do think it's worth trying though I know it's so difficult with autism, anxiety and previous bad education experiences. Sometimes it's easier to think of trying it for a day / week / month rather than 3 years. I hope you can get to do something nice for you too.

There is lots of us with older SN kids in the Goose and Carrot threads and you are most welcome to join us, it's in SN chat and deletes after 90 days. Good luck.

I think staying for a few days especially if can stay somewhere nice might help ease things.

You sound like an amazing mum. Wishing your son (and you!) all the very best of luck today.

Great comeback!

I think that’s a great plan. I would do whatever it takes to help him settle in. Good luck xx

I like the idea of lurking so he has you as back up for a few days is a really good one.

Good luck to both of you.

Today will be stressful with all the anticipation but I hope tomorrow goes as smoothly as possible x

I lurked at DS’s request. No SN but a lot of anxiety. It worked really well. Dependence tailed off over 2-3 days until it got to the point of “why are you still here mum?”

I hope it goes smoothly for you both. You sound like a wonderful mum.

Aw bless him, staying up there a few days near him is such a great idea. I remember doing this for my son's residential in school. Whatever it takes. Abertay really is a very supportive uni, and all I read about Dundee convinces me it was right choice for my quiet boy. Hope it all goes well. xx

Hope it all works out, you sound like a great mum x

Thank you all. It just occurred to me we've not applied for his student loan (doh!). He'll get (full) one no danger. I'm sure we can do that next week when it's clearer he is staying. ExH just showed up (re packing car). I was talking through the stuff I posted here this morning about stress of maybe paying 8.5k for 1/2/3 weeks accom if it all goes wrong. He said: 'well, Ds will just owe a lot of £ then' He has no idea you need a parent guarantor...
(seethes). Right, on I go with packing whilst Ds catches some much needed zzzz. 🤞

Does he need his student loan in place to cover his fees?

@Septemberisthenewyearno, but he's entitled to the full loan.

Good luck to both of you, OP

@poetryandwinedo you think it's OK to apply via Saas today for his loan?

I know he'll qualify with our circumstances & he had funding for his HNC so should be able to find old Saas number to apply online today?

I can't believe I didn't apply last week (but was chasing Cardiology & getting Dd (also ASD & needing a LOT of support) started at College.

Caveat, I know no one can guarantee this but, on theory, should it be OK <sqeaky panic....>

I am so sorry but I don’t know the Scottish system. You need advice from someone who does.

I would say that you sound intelligent and you can certainly trust any written policy.

Again, best wishes to you both

My friend works for SAAS and says apply today and it will all be fine. He won't get the loan immediately, it might take a couple of weeks, but he will get it no problem

@Randomchat oh, THANK YOU (& to @poetryandwine too)
I thought that was the case that it would come through (a bit late which is OK)
but I did a bit of a panic when I remembered I'd not done such a big task.
I think I'm 2nd (20th?) guessing myself now. !!!
Spoke to Uni room provider (IQ) who said that, if he moves in then doesn't cope & leaves he'd need a GP letter but then wouldn't be liaible for whole year.
Ds up & in shower. Heading up later. Fingers crossed.

Good luck!

Hope all goes well today for you all. Hope ds can get through these first few days and weeks and it all settles down for him (and you)

I'd choose Abertay. Better accommodation, better SEN support. He's already failed at Napier with poor SEN support so I'd not be encouraging him to go back there again. Find a Wetherspoons because they serve cheap food so he could go there for main meal some days. They sell a range of main meals for less than £8. You can buy microwave meals in supermarkets so show him those. Discuss with him buying fruit and salad leaves and tomatoes so he can have a side salad with a microwave meal.

Thinking of you and your DS OP. Lurking in Dundee for a few days if you are able to sounds like a good idea to help the transition.

Having read through your post, personally i feel Abertay would be your YP's best fit. it might sound a bit simple, but are you able to help them with a food shop or build a meal plan so they can be relieved of the worry they won't be able to feed themselves?

this could be as simple as borrowing a cookbook from a library or using one at home and then shopping for the ingredients and cooking for you so they have the practice in a familiar environment first. Then when they go to uni, they would have less anxiety. i hope that helps