Son has caught herpes

[Ohgodcantbelieveit]

I can’t believe this. Our 19 year old son has caught herpes in Freshers week. I’m so mad and upset.

He’s a long way away too, 7 hours drive.

He has had all the chat about safe sex, gave him condoms to take away. Utter idiot but paying the price big time now. He sounds so sad on the phone. He’s got medication but is really sore and getting more sores popping up and is now worried about the future.

The girl knew she had it but hadn’t given it to her last three partners (!) so thought it was OK. Speechless at her idiocy. He really likes her too.

Just really sad today and mad and worried for him away on his own dealing with this.

Any advice? Please be nice as I know he’s been stupid and so does he.

It's absolutely NOT true that it can't spread if there's no break-out. The total opposite. That's how I caught it - from someone who had no sores whatsoever.

The virus is often active on the skin with ZERO symptoms. My exH gets cold sores. He gave it to me during a long oral sex session. Of COURSE we were not stupid enough to have oral sex when he had a sore. He did not have one, and he didn't develop one in the days after that session when I had my first outbreak, either. So it's not like a cold sore was threatening, in which case you often get a tingly feeling on your lip. No, the virus was just active on his skin, and we had no idea.

It's dangerous to spread misinfo like that. It's invisible and you have no idea whether it's active or not - it can easily be active without causing a sore. That's why people who have it should take valcyclovir AND use condoms. And always disclose beforehand, so the person can give informed consent.

💯 get your point of view - my 18 yr old was diagnosed with chlamydia last week. I know herpes is of course worse, but whilst waiting for the results I had gone through the whole gammet including possible HIV.
its so infuriating isn’t it, we had all the safe sex talks even asked him about condoms before he went (first lads holiday is where he caught it).

Hes going into the army soon, I googled if he could still join if he was HIV positive.

It’s tough because whilst being furious I also want him to keep trusting me enough to tell me when things have gone wrong so I’ve had to be careful about how I handled him.

he told me his penis was sore it was only when I asked if he unprotected sex did he admit it and I made him an appointment at the GUM clinic and low and behold.

There’s been stern words about STIs and babies again, hopefully a big enough scare to prevent any future issues.

Hope your son is ok

I think its great that he can talk to his mum about these things, my youngest son is the same.

No advice as he’s already been to the docs but just wanted to say my best friend caught it 12 years ago when her shit of a boyfriend cheated on her. It was an absolutely horrendous time for her and I remember her initial flare up was so bad and sore. She got on medication and whilst it took a while to clear up I believe she’s only ever had one flare up since when she was pregnant which they said was due to her pregnancy immune system.

I’m not sure what meds she was on but I think they gave her a long course to start with.

As someone who has had it/has it/whatever the right terminology is, its just not true its not helpful to "those who have it on their genitals".

It actually is pretty reassuring to hear there are people out there that dont think of those with herpes as lepers or that its this really terrible awful life changing thing. I can imagine thats really helpful to many with it.

Go to GP, use a condom, don’t sleep around.

Deploy critical thinking, how did she know her last three partners didn’t develop it?!?

Encourage him to consider he got off lightly, could have been a worse STI, or he could be a soon-to-be-dad!

I think anger and shame are probably the right emotional responses in this situation, since hopefully it’ll stop him doing this again.

I think it's really nice that he can open up to you like this, OP. I so wish my parents had been more like that. I went through a few things I could have done with their support about but could never have approached them. Today's ways of parenting are far, far better.

OP, ignore all the dickhead comments. I think it's great that he can tell you these things.

herpes is so common, you can have it and not even know you have it.

i think the girl should have told your son that she had since she knew she was a carrier..

He did consent to sex with this woman after she told him about her herpes.

Oh bless him, my heart goes out to him (and you as his mum). Many folk have taken risks like this, especially when we're young and daft, it's not for anyone to judge. And I think it's great he felt he could tell you, you must have a good relationship and I would hope my kids would feel able to confide in me like that. I'm sure there will be plenty of people on here who have dealt with this condition who can offer some support / reassurance.

Disgusting if the female involved knew she had it and has knowingly infected others. I think that might constitute a criminal offence?

If someone has a herpes flair up condoms dont protect the other partner so he may have been safe.

Also he will get rid of the sores with medication. It is a virus he has for life bow so needs to be careful with future partners

sorry to hear this has happened i am sure you are very upset
It's happened now can't go back from it now.
look into what else you can do about it.

this must be really hard for you and him.

Educate him going forward on stds /sexual activity etc and find out what else he can do here.

He will need to be honest about it with future partners.

Did he/she know about it, why didnt she tell him...
i think if she is having unprotected sex she is giving it to others without their knowledge that is a problem aswell.

also, so im guessing he has had tests done re stds herpes etc bloods?

Pregnancy would have be a worry for me re the girl any other girl too.

You are being there for him and supporting him and that is great and best you can do while far away

if his symptoms get worse he can go back to the doctor.
its very contagious so ask him to wash his hands /keep clean after touching the area.

Op said she admitted she had it after he told her he'd got it.

Bore off. The OP is looking for support and that’s OK.

I caught it from my DH when we first got together 18 years ago, only ever affected me once but was very severe/painful and had to take antivirals. I was absolutely gutted at the time but it's not something I even think about now.
Obviously your DS is different in that he hasn't settled down with anyone but it won't be the end of the world for him, so glad he has you to speak to.
Awful of the girl not to tell him though or insist on using condoms. No wonder it's so prevalent.

Why so nasty ?

I’d rather get cold sores on my genitals than face, at least no one sees them.

Eek, I though that generation in general were more clued up about the importance of safe sex than, for example, my generation. @Ohgodcantbelieveit I'm in my 40s and have got a few friends who have herpes, they have children and marriages/relationships so it's not the end of the world. I'd imagine at 19 that's what it's going to feel like for your son though.

I understand you being furious, I don't think I'd be able to believe my son would be so fucking stupid - but I think the most important thing here is his mental health, especially as he's away from family at uni. Hopefully he can get some good support and information. But he MUST disclose to any potential sexual partner, hopefully he's very very clear that he can't be like the woman who gave it to him.

oh it was like the worse bought of flu I every had, Felt like the gift that kept giving. developed and had veruccas that took years to go away. Didn't know linked until podiatrist asked.

Condoms don’t prevent herpes transmission. It’s skin contact, so the condom would need to cover the entire genital area.

they may well have used one. Maybe she also thought condoms were preventative?

He could have got it from oral sex if she had a cold sore brewing

1000mg l-lysine every day. When a breakout occurs triple it. I’ve had cold sores since I was a child and it’s the only thing that solved it. Every time I’ve had a breakout in the last few years I realised I had stopped taking l-lysine.

A friend of mine caught this from a partner who had a breakout and didn’t tell her and they were intimate together. She asked him as she saw a small lesion and he said he cut himself grooming (total lie). Her first breakout was bad but docs gave her medication to take to keep it under control so any future breakouts would be minimal and not as painful. Few years later she got married (to annother guy) and has a couple of kids now. She told her then boyfriend that she had the condition so he knew that sometimes sexy time would have to be avoided. As long as your son takes his medicine breakouts should be far less severe and frequent. I also agree with another comment that even if he used protection, if the girl has a breakout and doesn’t say anything he could catch it. It’s not a death sentence, but a life lesson! X