Son has caught herpes

[Ohgodcantbelieveit]

I can’t believe this. Our 19 year old son has caught herpes in Freshers week. I’m so mad and upset.

He’s a long way away too, 7 hours drive.

He has had all the chat about safe sex, gave him condoms to take away. Utter idiot but paying the price big time now. He sounds so sad on the phone. He’s got medication but is really sore and getting more sores popping up and is now worried about the future.

The girl knew she had it but hadn’t given it to her last three partners (!) so thought it was OK. Speechless at her idiocy. He really likes her too.

Just really sad today and mad and worried for him away on his own dealing with this.

Any advice? Please be nice as I know he’s been stupid and so does he.

Hes told OP so hes obviously ok with her being involved in some way. Its not unusual for a young adult (or older adult!) to still go to Mum for a bit of advice, if the relationship is a positive one that is.

@Ohgodcantbelieveit that's so hard. I'm sorry. As a Mum of course you worry and I think it's brilliant he felt he could talk to you about it. I'm sure he's feeling very panicked.

I used to work in sexual health and I'd say life has taught him a hard lesson, especially hearing they didn't have sex. He's not alone in catching thing even without having penetration. It also explains why he may not have used a condom. Continue giving that emotional support. Remind him our health is always worth protecting.

In an ideal world, honestly, people would have sexual health appointments/tests together before having sex and make sure they both have as clean a bill of health as you can, followed by condom use and another form too (pill, IUD etc.), especially young people and/or new partners.

Hope the treatment works and he can simply put this down to a difficult lesson that taught him a lot. I think he also needs to talk to the person he likes about transparency before contemplating a relationship.

You are being a great Mum @Ohgodcantbelieveit

I've had sex with 2 men in my life ( and I'm old ! ) and they both went on to be husband's . I have it and likely caught it from husband No 2 at age late 30s / 40s .
he says he didn't know he had it and doesn't get out breaks . Sadly I'm not so lucky and get re occurrence quite often ( maybe 6 times a year ) my area is genital and also sacral ( bottom of spine ) and this can also cause neuropathic pain down my rightt
leg .
I hope your son goes on to get it irregularly .

Haven't RTFT. Just popping in to say I have it, and it's no big deal. I rarely even get sores. (My exH gave it to me via oral sex. We weren't stupid enough to have oral when he had a cold sore, but the virus can activate before there's a sore.)

Yes, he was stupid to have unprotected sex, but that girl was BANG out of order not to disclose. I have dated quite a bit since exH and I have disclosed every time, early on. Fifty percent didn't want to carry on, and fifty percent were OK with it.

You can get a medicine called valcyclovir that you can use to suppress the virus. I don't need it for outbreaks, since I don't usually get them, but in relationships I use it and condoms. With those two fail-safes, you are unlikely to pass it on. But I always make sure to let people know that nothing is 100 percent.

It's just a harmless skin rash. The bigger issue is the social effect, as in when you have to tell a potential date. But it's quite a good way of weeding out people who really like you from those who don't.

She was very, very wrong not to tell him. She took away his ability to give full consent. He must never do to anyone else what she did. I think he should stay away from her; I think what she did hints at a weak character at best, and a bad character at worst. I have disclosed every single time, way in advance, with OLD before meeting as I don't want to waste someone's time. I let it all out and let the cards fall where they may. Sometimes the guy hasn't wanted to continue, but honestly, I get such a good feeling from having been honest and not tricked someone into catching it that I don't feel rejected, I just feel good about myself.

When it first happened to me, it felt like the end of the world. But it really, really isn't.

@Ohgodcantbelieveit I would also like to add a comment about the stigma surrounding herpes. I believe back in the 70's, big pharma basically made a fear mongering campaign to try and push their antivirals. They weren't selling as people were not bothered about herpes. They used really scary adverts and made it out to be this awful, shameful disease. A bit like HIV in the 80's, except herpes didn't kill people. This is where all the stigma comes from.

There is an excellent website that I suggest you and your son look at. It breaks things down in a very real and honest way.

https://herpes.org.uk/

I wish you and your son the very best.

I’m using my back-up name for this thread but really, it doesn’t matter as there shouldn’t be such a stigma about this.

I caught genital herpes around 18 years ago (early 30s) while having protected sex within a short relationship (we’d been seeing each other a few months). We’d even had conversations about STIs and he disclosed nothing.

When I noticed I was a bit sore, I put it down to too much sex 🫣🤦🏻‍♀️ And then the full ulcer developed and I realised. He had broken out in sores too and initially blamed me!!!! And then he realised that he was the source because apparently his ex-wife had it but he’d been under the impression that he hadn’t caught it. Obviously he had, and had then passed it to me from the area that isn’t covered by a condom.

I was genuinely devastated. Not least because you can’t get rid of this STI - it’s with you for life. And obviously you have to disclose it to future sexual partners.

I felt so much shame.

I’ve only skimmed the thread so it may have been mentioned but there is the option to take antivirals to prevent shedding and future outbreaks. I considered it but didn’t bother in the end.

In the first couple of years I had a couple of flare-ups but they tapered off. I don’t think I’ve had one in over 10 years now. The first one is the worst but you can sort of tell when one is coming as there’s a slightly altered sensation. You shouldn’t very on that though - all future sexual partners era need to know upfront.

I have never had an issue and have gone on to have DC. Your DS might need some solid support from you to navigate this, and definitely no more bollockings.

Sorry if this has been mentioned - has he had his MenB vacc?

He’s a 19yr old adult!! I find it really odd that he’s talking about his genital herpes with his mum…and the sexual history of the girl he really likes. Way too enmeshed.

I feel for him.

you can get suppression meds that you take every day to prevent an outbreak reoccurring but he will be potentially contagious forever - and they will reappear if he is run down etc. the meds (Aciclovir) is very good but you have to take it for life. And I reiterate - he’ll always potentially be contagious, even if he can’t see any lesions etc.

tough lesson to learn unfortunately.

Why are you being such a drama llama? It’s nothing to do with freshers week or his age or number of sexual partners. He could get it at any time. Calm down, surely you are meant to be the level headed parent who offers him reassuring guidance not shaming him??? Poor boy

Sorry no advice but just wanted to say what a great mum you are. Your relationship with your son is strong. He is happy to share things with you, even if they are personal and he clearly knows you’ll be there whatever. I hope my son would feel able to do the same.

The risk is when the mother catches it for the very first time in pregnancy, particularly in the last weeks of pregnancy.

If mum already has it then immunity is passed to the baby in womb and the risk is tiny, even if she’s having an active outbreak.

👏I agree with this OP. Ignore the bitter / nasty replies on here.

Same. I hope I always have the type of relationship with my DC where they can ask for some advice if they want to, regardless of their age. Id personally feel like ive really let them down somewhere along the line if they couldnt 😔

He’s done the sensible thing and got medication, it’s always hard when they’re away from home, he’ll be fine and it won’t affect him having kids etc. once the medication starts to work he’ll feel a lot better.

Herpes can be caught whilst having safe sex by the way. It can lay dorment for 10 years so please don’t blame him.

Also aids isn’t like it used to ne

therws medication that can make it like you don’t even have it

please don’t insult those who might have it here.

Ignore them, OP. On every single thread there are people who will kick the OP no matter how they have to twist things in order to do so. They're just trolling.

Please tell him that it’s not a death sentence. Someone will be ok and they’ll love him

my friend had it and has been with her husband for over 29 years and they’ve never used condoms and he never caught it.

I actually also caught herpes at uni, it was the worse pain. I went to the sexual health clinic and had medication and it did clear up, ive actually never had an outbreak since and this was 20 years ago now. You'd be surprised how many people have it, some dont even know as it can lay dormant for a very long time.
Edit to say, I also told my mum, I was in pain and felt awful and told her. Its great to have a mum thats so supportive u can tell them anything!

That might be true if you include cold sores, but I don't think it's correct that half of adults carry it in the genital area.

My exH tried to minimise it this way after he (unknowingly) gave it to me. I felt it disregarded what I was going through. I know you didn't mean it that way, but just be aware that tossing out that stat about how many people have it, when you include cold sores, isn't helpful or comforting to those who have it on their genitals, which far fewer people have to deal with.

Don’t you think it’s brilliant that he can talk to her?

you don’t want your children coming to you when they’re unwell no? You just want them to cope alone? Without support ever?

Ouch, poor guy.

I haven’t had herpes, but a thread on here from a woman a few years ago who was experiencing it for the first time actually made me flinch. Sounded just awful, and I often think about her and hope she’s ok.

Hope he recovers soon.

It's awful when our kids are far from home and upset about something. It makes you feel helpless doesn't it. Take no notice of the unpleasant people on here. Your son must really trust you to share this with you and ask for your support. It will be fine in a few weeks, honestly. Sending you a hug from one Mam to another x

just worth noting that there is no such thing as "safe sex", protection means safer sex, it significantly reduces but cannot eliminate all risk of infection or pregnancy.