Son has caught herpes

[Ohgodcantbelieveit]

I can’t believe this. Our 19 year old son has caught herpes in Freshers week. I’m so mad and upset.

He’s a long way away too, 7 hours drive.

He has had all the chat about safe sex, gave him condoms to take away. Utter idiot but paying the price big time now. He sounds so sad on the phone. He’s got medication but is really sore and getting more sores popping up and is now worried about the future.

The girl knew she had it but hadn’t given it to her last three partners (!) so thought it was OK. Speechless at her idiocy. He really likes her too.

Just really sad today and mad and worried for him away on his own dealing with this.

Any advice? Please be nice as I know he’s been stupid and so does he.

It sounds like we're pretty much in agreement, then.

But as I said up-thread, I know two people who have been quite badly affected by it, so that probably colours my view of it as I know they have a rough time with it - and I certainly wouldn't think it 'harmless' if I were them. It seems dismissive to call it 'harmless' when there are people who suffer frequent, rather bad genital pain, and restrictions to their sex life, thanks to herpes.

Although yes, you're right that most people won't be affected that badly (thankfully!)

There’s no way of knowing that he definitely contracted it from this girl and extremely unlikely if she didn’t have an outbreak at the time. It can lie dormant for ages and is exactly the same as a cold sore. Most people probably already have it and most people would be understanding. It’s the ignorance around it and unwarranted stigma attached to it that will be the worst thing for him at the minute but just reassure him that it really is no big deal and he just needs to be careful from now on and use it as a lesson.

I was really upset about it twenty years ago, but I've seen a lot more of life since then, and I guess I have the perspective of someone in their fifties. When you've nursed two parents through loooooong terminal cancer (ten years apart, not together) and you've found out that you have a MASSIVE risk of breast cancer yourself, and you see people around you dealing with things like young Parkinson's, young cancers etc. it tends to put herpes into perspective somewhat!!!!

I haven't read all the replies, so I missed your part about the people you know who are badly affected. If that's the case, they should be on Valtrex or similar. I've taken it at various times and had no side effects.

According to NHS website you are much more contagious in the first 6 months of contracting it and it’s rare to transmit after 2 years.
Relationships and having a family will not be an issue for him at all. Most people know loads of people who have it.
Any time you have sex you can potentially contract it so turning someone down after they have disclosed it and then sleeping with someone else who is unaware they have it (up to 90% of people with it) does not really pose less risk.

Whilst I agree that the current advice is to always disclose. We don’t know for certain that he got it from this girl and depending on where they are diagnosed she may not have been given the same advice. As someone else mentioned, the stigma surrounding genital herpes was deliberately created by companies selling anti virals when it was previously viewed as a harmless sore that some got and some didn’t. I’ve never known anyone disclose hsv before a kiss on the face or lips. A cold sore on the face is arguably worse ? And I’m not aware of people with cold sores having to disclose prior to oral sex either ? I could be wrong but you can never guess whether someone has the virus or not unless they currently have an outbreak.

I know people on Mumsnet wash their hands of their kids on their 18th birthday but back in the real world parents love and care about their adult kids and want to help them. 🙄

you caught HSV 1 from a cold sore.
70+ % of the population have HSV 1. 70+%.

That's a significant majority of people. 7/10 women OP's son sleeps with will themselves have it.

But 70 percent don't have HSV1 on their genitals. That causes a stigma and difficulty with telling sexual partners that having it on your mouth does not.

Edit: About half the world's population have HSV1, but only a small proportion of those, 376m, have it on their genitals.

AI Overview

An estimated 3.8 billion people under the age of 50 (about 64% of the global population) have a herpes simplex virus type 1 (HSV-1) infection. 1]

Global and Local Statistics
Worldwide: About 64% to 67% of people under age 50 carry HSV-1, which is the main cause of oral herpes (cold sores).
United States: About 50% to 80% of adult Americans have oral HSV-1.
Genital HSV-1: An estimated 376 million people aged 15 to 49 worldwide have genital HSV-1 infections, as HSV-1 can also be transmitted via oral-genital contact. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6]

HSV 1 can cause cold sores on the mouth and genitals. That pp was talking about catching HSV 1 through oral sex. Nobody knows whether OP's son has caught HSV 1 or HSV2 . HSV 2 is also v prevalent. The overwhelming majority of pop have one strand or other, and few have many symptoms.

Just coming back to this as it’s been (mainly) very helpful. He’s confirmed that he’s had the results back and it’s type 1. I’m not sure what that means really. But I’ve got him the lycine supplement and he was also given the medication to take if he had an outbreak, apparently the doctor said he should try and avoid taking the medication if he can as it will build up his own immunity? Anyway he’s bounced back (one of his new friends he told has it too so that was good for him to hear.) and he’s back playing sport which is a huge thing for him.

Thanks again for all of your support. I know he’s technically an adult but only just and he’s navigating a lot of challenging stuff a long way from home. I’m really glad he can talk to us about it.

Hsv 1 is what causes cold sores around the mouth. Can be spread to genitals through oral sex.

@Ohgodcantbelieveit hsv1 is the more mild form, which can be contracted either from the mouth during oral sex or hsv1 on the genitals. This is good news. Outbreaks tend me much less than hsv2. He may well never see one again, as many people don't.

Glad he is doing better anyway. Onwards and upwards.

Herpes is so common. Really unfortunate he caught it, usually easier for females to catch than males. Also cold sores and oral sex should be avoided - just let him know as that is another method of transmission.
As other PPs have said, condoms won’t necessarily have made a difference - but to be advised anyway.
first outbreaks are painful, many avoid future ones or they fade in intensity over time. Loads of online support out there. I hope his blisters heal soon!

Thanks for update OP, I've been wodering how your son was getting on.

Glad to hear he's doing well and has shared with a friend which lightens the burden. It feels like such a shock at the beginning and then becomes pretty normal and boring after a while when you realise most people have a form of HSV in one area or another!

Good luck to him at uni and hopefully no more flare ups x

we are similarly open in our family. Sex is discussed openly over dinner just like everything else. Making it clandestine and secret is such an old fashioned approach and suggests somehow sex is wrong or dirty or to be hidden. It’s not - it’s normal and healthy and fun and important. keeping is as a dirty secret is when problems arise. Why on earth would it be better to go to dr google than to a trusted close adult? That’s just weird!

the op is very lucky to have such an open relationship with her child and her child is very lucky to have such an open minded and supportive mother.

Completely agree.