Son has caught herpes

[Ohgodcantbelieveit]

I can’t believe this. Our 19 year old son has caught herpes in Freshers week. I’m so mad and upset.

He’s a long way away too, 7 hours drive.

He has had all the chat about safe sex, gave him condoms to take away. Utter idiot but paying the price big time now. He sounds so sad on the phone. He’s got medication but is really sore and getting more sores popping up and is now worried about the future.

The girl knew she had it but hadn’t given it to her last three partners (!) so thought it was OK. Speechless at her idiocy. He really likes her too.

Just really sad today and mad and worried for him away on his own dealing with this.

Any advice? Please be nice as I know he’s been stupid and so does he.

Why do you think he is stupid for catching herpes? Genuine question. Unless you think he's stupid for having sex?

You can catch herpes through skin to skin contact. With or without a condom. It's a lottery. I find it hard to believe that some grown adult women do not know this.

People aren't stupid for having sex, It's just being sexually active, a thing people like to do.

As a PP said, the first outbreak is by far the worst.

Tell him to start taking L-lysine, religiously.

Asymptomatic shedding is worth reading up on.

I wish him well. There are dating sites for people with herpes still I think, but even without that, it doesn't mean he will never have a relationship/children. He has been unlucky, and will have to be careful.

Can you send him some treats with uber / just eat and reassure him that a - he's not been stupid b- it's super common and c- maybe chat to his Uni la student services team as this will be super normal for them and might help him feel better - they usually have an online chat he could access.

Don’t go in too hard op, you can catch herpes even with a condom (I did). The first time is the worst, it’s bloody painful and you feel rotten and dirty. All of my glands in my groin were swollen and I just felt really run down. Tell him to keep going with the medication and it will ease off, obviously he will always have it but the flare ups become less and less. I genuinely cannot remember the last time I even noticed I have it.

Crappy stuff happens but don’t make him feel worse than he already does, it’s not the end of the world and he can still have a good sex life.

I'd also dial down your reactions to being non plussed tbh - it's part and parcel of usual life and try to stop him blaming himself - he's made a mistake that's all - he's being treated but that doesn't change who he is or how much you love him
etc

My god there’s some nasty responses on here
He’ll be in shock thinking he’s ruin his life

the reality is it’s just something in life he’ll need to manage as others said 1st outbreak the worst and there’s meds to help

it’s not the end of the world but will just seem like it
he needs to speak to a proper organisation that offers information and support
all he’ll get online is judgement and stigma because a lot of people are so ignorant about it
it’s great that he could talk to you

Ignore the bitchy comments OP and you're obviously a great Mum if your son could approach you with this. He knows he's been stupid, I doubt anyone can make him feel worse so all anyone can do now is accept it. I hear the first outbreak is the worst, he will of course need to tell any future partners but for now the best thing to do is focus on his health and accept he'll have to live with this. I'm sure there are support groups for things like this if he needs them, there will be loads of people in the same position so he's not alone. Good luck xx

I know it’s upsetting now and daunting but honestly you can both get past this. A lot of people have herpes, including those carrying it that don’t even know they have it. The first outbreak is the worst then after that you normally get a reoccurrence if you are run down or have a nasty cold etc. It will be ok. It won’t stop him getting a gf or having a family in the future I promise

OP, it’s very common.

Be proud of him and of your relationship that he felt he could confide in you (ignore those who think otherwise).

It's fortunate he shared with you, OP, and it shows sense, never mind what went before. Herpes is common - still horrible for him though. He's learned a really important lesson. Maybe he could ask the campus STD clinic how to manage things going forward?

Condoms don't prevent herpes. It is basically like having cold sores but in a different location. He should use the aciclovir now, and if he is prone to further outbreaks he can get a stash to take the moment he feels a warning tingle (A significant proportion of the population have either HSV-1 or 2. I get outbreaks on my back when I'm run down).

Yes- she is looking for support with something her son is upset about. Thats not remotely weird.

WTF is wrong with that? or more appropriately, WTF is wrong with YOU that you are being such a dick about someone asking for support?

What is weird is that you are engaging in a post that clearly annoys you so much! noone is forcing you to reply to the OP if you find the conversation apparently "weird" 🙄

And he's shared that he "didn't have full sex" with you also? I know I am coming across as maybe a heartless uncaring so and so, but to me that is definitely oversharing with your mother. I'm just surprised that he has given you all this very personal information.

But maybe I'm just a bad mother, and mine would run a mile other than tell me what they are doing in bed! And I wouldn't want to know that level of detail anyway.

He has access to tons of information anonymously on AI surely, or websites dealing with STDs.

Sorry I can't help saying what I think.

Well he didn't waste any time did he 🤣

Well free free not say what you think. I think it’s good he can share his worries with me. Everyone is different. Would you rather your son sat in his room alone, upset and worrying?

my dd also caught it
you advise condoms but they say they have taken an STD test
so that's ok!
and i have contraception

Thanks so for the support and constructive advice. He has had a very big bollocking and knows he’s fucked up big time. So I’ll be offering him only support from now on. Hopefully he’ll start feeling better soon.

Every parenting style is different, accepted that he feels confident in sharing intimate information with you, I would not like that level of sharing myself, high level information fine, but not that much!.

Has he no peers that he can talk to about these things, as young people have all the ins and outs of EVERYTHING, believe me I know nothing when it comes to young adults telling me this!

Of course you can help it, just don’t say it, it’s not hard. Strange that you seem to think you are the better parent here

Did the woman tell him she had herpes before they had sex, or after he told her he’d caught it?? She obviously does not care about her sexual partners, and I hope your son doesn’t think his only future can be with her since they both have it.

I’ve dated someone with herpes, we were very careful and it made things harder but it wasn’t the end of the world. I have a friend whose sister has herpes and she has a husband and baby. It is absolutely rubbish and will make dating and sex more difficult, but he’s not destined to be alone

@Ohgodcantbelieveit it’s hard to believe the pile on you are getting here. This is not AIBU. This will be a big shock to his system but he has got help straight away and it’s a sign of a good relationship that he can open up to you

@TheOliveFinch it’s weird. I’m happy he can tell me when something life changing like this happens to him, so I’m not going to let some keyboard warriors get to me.

I hope he reads the riot act to that girl. My god.

First outbreak is always the worst.

He will learn to recognise the onset of an outbreak in future.

Im sure he’s feeling pretty rough, poor lad. He needn’t tell anyone, friends etc about his personal health. Unless he meets someone he wants to get involved with romantically.

@Seziah no it’s bad isn’t it?! She was very upset when he told her and admitted that she had it. I don’t think she thought she actively had it at the time. But it sounds like she was pretty relaxed about it all 😬

@Ohgodcantbelieveit I think it’s fantastic he’s sharing with you !! Don’t listen to crap in here , never mind std, could be something worse that he holds deep in… so well done you!

did they give Valtrex? Ideally he needs to take that specific medication (or acyclovir which is kind of similar but cheaper for nhs)

like PP said can he get lysine (amazon)… he needs high strength and daily

herpes is treatable with valtrex and lysine keeps it away … problem is it’s likely it’s staying in his cells for long time, but these two will help

x