Son has caught herpes

[Ohgodcantbelieveit]

I can’t believe this. Our 19 year old son has caught herpes in Freshers week. I’m so mad and upset.

He’s a long way away too, 7 hours drive.

He has had all the chat about safe sex, gave him condoms to take away. Utter idiot but paying the price big time now. He sounds so sad on the phone. He’s got medication but is really sore and getting more sores popping up and is now worried about the future.

The girl knew she had it but hadn’t given it to her last three partners (!) so thought it was OK. Speechless at her idiocy. He really likes her too.

Just really sad today and mad and worried for him away on his own dealing with this.

Any advice? Please be nice as I know he’s been stupid and so does he.

He should absolutely not tell his friends. It’s his private medical info. Only sexual partners need to know.

If we don't even have an agreement on what the words we use mean, we cannot possibly communicate effectively. If we don't agree on what "full sex" means, we cannot communicate effectively.

Sorry, to clarify I wasn’t suggesting he go around having unprotected sex. But if he wants a baby he’s going to need to, and presumably won’t want to infect his long term partner at that point, so I was suggesting he speak to the STI clinic to clarify how that would work.

And 20% is much higher than I thought - so there’s a 1 in 5 chance his future spouse is already a carrier.

I wasn’t justifying the girls behaviour, I was saying his hope for a future wife and child haven’t died and he should speak to medical professionals to understand the practicalities of his future.

You came on the internet to volunteer the information that he hadn't had full sex, but apparently now I'm bad for not understanding what you meant by that? Even though you clearly expected thread readers to know what you meant, otherwise you wouldn't have used the term.

First order hypocrisy.

I've told you all I can tell you, which is that even condoms won't provide protection against HSV1 and 2. If he did pull out, I suggest that you tell him not to. Plenty of women get pregnant that way.

Ok then. Everyone else seems to be managing to communicate effectively except you. I’m not replying so you might as well stop. 🚩 🚩 🚩 Trying to force me to share details I’m not comfortable about with regards to a teenager's sex life is unacceptable, not to mention worrying. Please respect this.

I think it’s great that he could tell you. I hope my DC would feel able to come to be about something so personal and sensitive. Top mum stuff, there 💐

Sorry but feel like I have to pick you up on this. Why shouldn't he tell his friends? People share private medical information all the time. Would you advise someone who has diabetes or cancer never to tell their friends just because it is private medical information? There are lots of people on this thread who have said they felt much better after sharing with friends and realising how common it is. Saying not to share implies it is shameful and, by extension, sex is shameful - which it isn't! I think attitudes like this are so damaging.

My dd thought she had this a couple of weeks ago, teenagers make mistakes sometimes 🤷‍♀️

op its okay, ignore the shitty comments, I think it’s great your ds feels he can share this with you. I hope he feels better soon.

Whilst I’m also surprised he shared this with you, I think it’s lovely that he did. You must have a great relationship. I have two boys and I hope they feel comfortable enough to confide in me when they need support as young adults ❤️

I caught it from someone at uni. I was mortified. I had one dreadful outbreak but didn’t suffer much after. I told my next partners and they were fine and I have 2 kids. It was truly awful at the time but he will be ok. You sound a lovely mum.

My DD went through the exact same thing last year. She was in agony and I took her to the STD clinic. They were fabulous and assisted her a lot of people carry the virus and are not aware until their first outbreak. She has frequent outbreaks so is now in suppressive therapy and has open access to prescriptions through the STD clinic. I also have a friend who got it at 19 (we are now 50!) and she got married and had 2 healthy babies so it’s not a long term issue. I understand your anxiety and worry but honestly it will be fine. Also I think it’s wonderful that he can confide in you. You should be a proud mam x

Well said

Sorry but my first response to the title before I’d even read the post was “how do you know your son has herpes” 🤯 But I guess it’s nice he can share these things with you.

Hopefully you discovered that in the event that your son has contracted HIV (it’s actually very difficult to catch) that he can still serve in the army. In fact people with HIV can work in any role in the armed forces. https://tht.org.uk/news/people-living-hiv-can-now-serve-all-armed-forces-roles . HIV today is a chronic manageable illness where on effective medication, which might be one pill day or an injection every two months, it’s reduced to undetectable levels in the blood and it can’t be passed on to any partners.

She was clearly saying that she ‘hopes’ the girl won’t be pregnant as it wasn’t full sex, so it’s obvious there was unprotected sex of some kind, because there obviously would no NO chance of pregnancy otherwise. It was clear what OP meant, it’s not her fault you didn’t understand

No quite....
off the top of my head and a quick Google:

painful rash and sores, fatigue, flu-like symptoms
if passed on to those with vulnerable immune systems can be severe and have complications
stigma
life-long management, precautions, medication prophylactically to prevent symptoms or during an outbreak (time sensitive)

Doesn't sound nice.

This 💯👆. To make it more relevant getting support from friends after a positive HPV result following a smear test can help reduce anxiety . Or how about discussing worries due to vulval / vaginal irritation or needing to wee all the time in menopause due to vaginal atrophy/genitourinary syndrome of menopause? Seeking support from friends and family raises awareness, reduces stigma and can be massively reassuring.

This. I wish people would be able to be realistic about the impact on the average person's life (probably not too bad over their total lifetime, unless they're unlucky), without minimising it and acting as though it's just a little, harmless rash (it's not), as normalising it as 'no big deal' and 'super common' is likely going to lead to people thinking they don't have to disclose it, and infecting others with painful, recurring genital sores.

I have HSV-1 on my lip and have only had a handful of outbreaks in my adult life, and it was quite painful despite being only relatively small sores. The thought of having that occurring on my vulva is horrifying – and some people have frequent, even monthly outbreaks, which sounds horrendous, and would ruin your sex life!

So while it's not going to doom a person to loneliness, it does need to be treated with seriousness and not brushed aside as no big deal.

It’s a tricky one. Whilst this is true for some people, the fact also remains that the majority of people who catch genital herpes have no idea they have the infection and never get noticeable symptoms. It’s also the case that it’s not even included in STD screening at NHS clinics (including ‘full’ screenings). Given that it’s so common and so easily spread a good chunk of the population are walking round blissfully unaware they have it, and will never know. OPs son is very unfortunate to be both experiencing uncomfortable symptoms and also have to deal with a diagnosis of something most people essentially ‘get away’ with not knowing about despite having the exact same virus and infection.

Right?? My cousin who's a paramedic posted about it on Facebook.

I speak as one who has genital herpes, so I know. All of what you posted is worst-case scenario. Like the vast majority of people, the first outbreak was a sore rash, and since then (20 years now) I have had the very occasional tiny sore if I get run down, and I hardly notice it. I've certainly never had fatigue and flu-like symptoms, not even with the first outbreak. If there's supposed to be lifelong management, I must have missed that. I disclose to any potential partners and I use Valtrex and condoms. While there are no guarantees, with medication and condoms, transmission is unlikely.

I have it, my BIL gave it to my sis 30 years ago, and we're all in our fifties, healthy and happy. For the VAST majority of people, it is a harmless skin rash. Ohhhhh, you could have things that are SO much worse. Have you heard about the antibiotic-resistant strain of gonorrhea? And syphilis has made a comeback.

This is so true. Two of my friends have had it show up on blood tests but have never had a rash.

No, not "this". I have genital herpes. For the vast majority of people, it is a harmless skin rash. I've had it for twenty years and it's had no impact on my life at all. In fact, disclosing has been a useful way of weeding out men who are not interested in me as a person but only in my body. I have had some wonderful relationships after I came out of the marriage that gave it to me. I rarely get any sign of it, and when I do, it's one tiny pimple that I can barely feel. This is the experience of the majority of people, and if it's not, there is medication.

We have to de-stigmatise this disease, because it's full of shame and stigma yet really is pretty harmless. What you really need to be worrying about is the antibiotic-resistant strain of gonorrhea and the roaring comeback of syphilis.

I don't think getting an uncomfortable rash on your genitals that prevents you from having sex is 'harmless', frankly. Even if it's not particularly painful, it's much better not to get contagious genital rashes.

I'm glad it doesn't affect you badly, but there are plenty of people who do experience occasional outbreaks of painful sores, or frequently recurring painful outbreaks, and you don't know whether you'll be asymptomatic, mildly symptomatic, or have a horrendous time of it, until you catch it, and then it's too late. Chances are most people will only have mild symptoms...but they might not. Or if their immune system is compromised for some reason, it could become a real problem when it wasn't prior.

So it's very important that if people know they have it, they disclose it (as you do), and not think that because there shouldn't be stigma, or because it's common, or a 'harmless skin rash, that they don't need to tell their sexual partner about it. Obviously, many people won't care or may have it themselves, but they should be informed. I mean, really, it sounds like you agree with me for the most part, in regards to disclosure.

Additionally, it's possible to worry about all STIs, be careful, and disclose. Being concerned about gonorrhoea and syphilis doesn't mean herpes shouldn't be taken seriously.

I don't know what to tell you. It's been a non-issue for me. Although I was VERY upset at the time.

I disclose early and upfront, every time. When doing OLD, I tell them before we meet, so that I don't waste anyone's time. While physically it's usually a harmless skin rash there are social effects and a real stigma. If you do not disclose, then you are taking informed consent away from the person. Just because it ultimately amounts to a harmless skin rash is not the same as saying you should not disclose. Of course you should, and I have, every time. And yes, of course it's better to not have it. I have to have that conversation every time I have a new dating prospect, which is only about once every two years or so! I have learned to see a silver lining in it: It does weed out the men who like me for me from those who are only interested in sex. Also, if the man doesn't want to risk it (I have had a 50/50 response) I still feel really good about myself for doing the right thing.