Son has caught herpes

[Ohgodcantbelieveit]

I can’t believe this. Our 19 year old son has caught herpes in Freshers week. I’m so mad and upset.

He’s a long way away too, 7 hours drive.

He has had all the chat about safe sex, gave him condoms to take away. Utter idiot but paying the price big time now. He sounds so sad on the phone. He’s got medication but is really sore and getting more sores popping up and is now worried about the future.

The girl knew she had it but hadn’t given it to her last three partners (!) so thought it was OK. Speechless at her idiocy. He really likes her too.

Just really sad today and mad and worried for him away on his own dealing with this.

Any advice? Please be nice as I know he’s been stupid and so does he.

He is a consenting adults. Lesson learned the hard way but he's 19, away from home and doing what young people do. He will get well, his balls won't fall off and hopefully he'll take care next time. The Uni medical centre probably has a revolving door at the start of term for this sort of thing

Yes I literally said she should have told him about it even if not symptomatic at the time but that's not an easy conversation when you've just met someone. And the risk (of transmission from asymptomatic shedding) is extremely low (<5%). Absolutely in an ideal world this would always happen. But we all know that there is a risk of STIs when having sex with someone right? It's not new information to anyone. Some people can shed HSV without ever knowingly had an outbreak. I think saying it will 'plague' him is hyperbolic and adds to the stigma personally.

So sorry this has happened - I would be as upset as you.
It’s really good that he confides in you (despite what some others have said). He must be devastated.
Your son has been stupid and the girl involved has been a hundred times worse - she should have told him so he could have made an informed decision about intimacy.
Not much advice to offer but I’m sure you’ll get lots of information here, hope he gets some positive support that puts all this in some form of perspective.
His life has changed but his condition is manageable and not life threatening. He has got a future!
Good luck to both of you.
Ps so sorry you got some horrible responses although that’s the main reason that made me want to comment.

Two herpes vaccine trials - Herpes Viruses Association

Might be something to consider

What a nasty thread.

OP, you poor thing getting that call.
Your poor son.
No wonder there is such a crisis in MH in young men, if people think he shouldn't talk to his parents.

He's 19 and just left home.
I can really understand your devastation.
This is a hard lesson, but nothing at all to be gained by making him feel worse.

She is some piece of work as is anyone who is casual in such a situation.

If that was my son I would talk to him about supporting his immune system and going forward to look after his diet.

Add a L-Iysinne supplement to his diet immediately and eat foods rich in it.

Look into Arginine and the foods rich in it.
Herpes need it to replicate so by reducing these foods you could help to reduce it.

He more than anything needs his mum to reassure him that this silly mistake does not define him and his future.
Everything will be ok.

You mind yourself too OP.
I'm so sorry.

I hope a lesson has been learnt and glad to read that despite this, before he went off to university you felt able to speak to him about sex and relationships.

Yes, well, she shouldn't be having sex at all if she can't have that conversation. But I agree, OP's son should've been more aware of that risk, and perhaps asked her.

I said 'plague' (but hopefully it won't!) as I know two people who have struggled terribly with genital herpes, with one of them having monthly flare-ups that are quite painful, despite taking L-lysine and another medication (can't recall the name), and it really does plague them. That's not as common as the occasional flare-up, of course (thankfully), but it's always a risk, and you never know how (un)lucky you'll be until you catch it.

This is so strange that he told you this. It’s not the kind of thing you share with your mum, sorry. The only good thing is he might learn a valuable lesson. And your son is just as idiotic as the girl you are trashing.

Absolutely. It’s lovely he feels able to tell you.

Hi OP, I think it’s a testament to your relationship with your son that he’s told you, you must be a great mum.
I have genital herpes also given by a partner who did not disclose some years ago now, the first year I had some outbreaks with it, but nothing since. Your son will need to come to terms with it for a while but he’ll be ok. I know a few people with it and all are in lovely relationships.

He should hopefully be able to find out if he has HSV1 or 2. Both can appear on the genitals, type one is the most common strain that people have and usually appears on the face, around the mouth. This can be passed on to the genitals via oral sex. Condoms don’t always protect you from Herpes. I doubt the girl had an active outbreak, as it would be very painful. If it is type one, he may have less outbreaks and may not have many more in his life time. Keeping a healthy immune system will help as does Lysine supplement. He hopefully has been given an anti viral. If he gets repeated attacks, these can be given daily for 12 months or so and can really help. It is more common that you realise and is an awful thing it go through. Poor boy, good he can talk to you about it.

I'm sorry to hear this OP. I haven't been through specifically this but do have a son whose uni years were utterly terrible and unexpected for other health reasons so I understand the worry you will be feeling.

Firstly, it is great he told you - he trusts you, and there is no point being judgemental (I'm sure you wouldn't be). I'm not a herpes expert but have heard of people living totally normal lives after - obviously being careful around outbreaks, which I think can get less and less over time.
It is hard when the uni years are not as joyful and exciting as you think they should be, but they are often very difficult indeed. I wish I knew 6 years ago what a long haul we were in for, but it's just like life with even less control. You have to keep solving every problem as best you can, and make sure he knows you are there for him.

Best of luck OP.

He will be fine BTW so hopefully hes learnt his lesson!
FYI, my friend caught herpes from receiving oral sex from someone with a cold sore as she didnt know you could also catch it that way too 🤦‍♀️ Might be worth telling your son to be careful in that area as well in future. I didn't realise either until she caught it! They guy told her it was just a spot on the corner of his mouth ffs 🙄🙄

Unfortunately, herpes can be passed on even if there is no breakout.as a friend of mine knows to her cost.

Do you actually have children? If you do, would you not be anxious for your child if they had a potential life altering condition? If you dont, just get off Mumsnet

My DD caught it, 1st time apparently is always the worst, he needs to find out what strain it is, you can’t also buy meds that keep it at bay. My DD doesn’t sleep around, just bloody unlucky. Try not to be mad at him, if like mine, they realise what a mess they got themselves in, at least he could tell you xx

This was years ago tbf but I recall the STD nurse saying to me it wasnt something I even had to share as the risk was that low if I wasnt having an outbreak. Luckily I never did have another outbreak anyway but I did completely forget I had it when I met DP.

I dont consider it life changing either. I dont understand the stigma around it, especially as its possible to have it and not be aware.

Condoms don't 100% protect against infection particularly herpes simplex.
Skin to skin on uncovered areas and asymptomatic shedding are always a possibility.
Did the girl tell him she had herpes before he had sex with her?
Hope the medication (hopefully antivirals) help limit the episode for him.
self help soothing can help ie:pain relief,salt water bathing,drying the area and cooling packs.
avoid spreading by touching to other areas.
Medical advice if no improvement.
Hope hes feeling better soon.

You can catch herpes with protected sex.

😂 it’s so funny. Not.

Hope you’ve read this OP & the other post from someone recently diagnosed - both long posts full of sensible & calm advice from people who actually know what they’re taking about. Also well done you on parenting a teen who is honest and open with you - be calm now so you don’t risk losing that dialogue in future.

Your poor son. It’s a shit outcome at such a young age. I’d be absolutely furious with the girl. She’s an irresponsible idiot!

It’s a sign of a great relationship between you and your son that’s he’s confided in you and sought your help/advice. Hope he’s feeling better soon. His STD is understandably devastating, but hopefully a manageable condition.

And it could be worse… My cousin was caught out at age 18 when his girlfriend told him she was on the pill. He was stupid and should have used condoms to protect himself. Her reaction to her pregnancy was joyous (we don’t think she was on the pill) 😳🤔 He was absolutely devastated when she gave birth to twins!! He fucked up his life massively, all of his plans went totally out of the window.

Loads of advice and support here: https://herpes.org.uk/

I have herpes. It was mortifying and I was like your son - convinced I was scarred for life. First outbreak was awful & I was really ill, but since that one I have had a flare up minimal times, probably 3-4 times in the last 10 years.
So many people have it, most deny it, it was only when I got chatting to some honest colleagues that I realised this. It doesn’t have to affect your daily life in the slightest! When I have had an outbreak, it’s been a couple of days of no sex, then it’s gone again.
I’ve gone on to have children with no adverse results. It really is incredibly common.

You can catch herpes even with safe(r) sex

Tell him what people on here have said about how many people do have it, and management etc. I think it's great that he can talk to you and get loving, non judgmental support-because where else is he supposed to get it? As evidenced by this girlfriend's behaviour, the younger generation is not more clued up than us (and yes, he should of course have used protection and maybe asked her questions, not saying it's all on her, but then a lot of people get mad about being asked about sexual history, and hindsight is always 20:20), so he can't ask his own age group. I hope my kids trust me to ask me things when they grow up.
Maybe bullet point all the positive stuff (and warnings) and send it? Or could you afford to pay for a private online appointment for him, where a professional does this, for reassurance? Can you possibly visit soon or meet him half-way?