Son has caught herpes

[Ohgodcantbelieveit]

I can’t believe this. Our 19 year old son has caught herpes in Freshers week. I’m so mad and upset.

He’s a long way away too, 7 hours drive.

He has had all the chat about safe sex, gave him condoms to take away. Utter idiot but paying the price big time now. He sounds so sad on the phone. He’s got medication but is really sore and getting more sores popping up and is now worried about the future.

The girl knew she had it but hadn’t given it to her last three partners (!) so thought it was OK. Speechless at her idiocy. He really likes her too.

Just really sad today and mad and worried for him away on his own dealing with this.

Any advice? Please be nice as I know he’s been stupid and so does he.

It's great that sons, daughters, nephews & nieces are close enough to be able to discuss things like this.
I pity the poor youngsters who deal with it alone & scared because of judgey mothers.

Weird? Rea.ly?

It’s weird to need support because you’re worried about your 19yo chikd that has just left home? It’s weird to winder what to tell him, what it means for his future so she can address some of concerns?

I’ll be honest. I find much weirder to think the best thing to do is to ignore said child ‘because he is an adult’ and say it has nothing to do with the OP when her child ASKED for support

I have herpes. To this day, I do not know who I got it from because I never had the awful first outbreak. I had my first one that I was aware of while in a long term stable relationship with the man I am now married to, think we had been together about 3 years. He had never had it and didn't have an outbreak until about 10 years into our marriage. I get very regular, but very mild issues, most often when I am tired and stressed. They are much decreased now I am menopausal, so I assume they also were influenced by hormones. My husband had never had another one.

It does not affect everyone the same way, nor does everyone get the regular outbreaks. I take l-lysine to reduce mine and acyclovir when it flares up.

First outbreak is awful. Mine was in my early teens way before I met my DP and Id actually forgot about it tbh until a few years into our relationship. I havent had another outbreak though and again i always forget until i read something or see a theead on here. 🤞 he might get lucky. Hope he feels better soon. Its really nice he felt he could talk to you ☺️

You do realise that he’s caught herpes right? He’s not sitting over breakfast randomly talking about his latest sexual encounter and his favourite sexual positions. He’s told his mum that he’s contracted herpes which is a life altering thing that’s happened to him and given her the minimal details surrounding it. You don’t sound heartless, you sound a bit dim if anything:

Herpes is a virus. Antibiotics will do fuck all to “clear it up”.

As he now has it his next focus will need to be on making sure HE doesn’t spread it to anyone else.

It's a virus. So no it's not cleared with antibiotics.

No. A lot of transmission occurs when a person isn't experiencing symptoms, so it's very important he always uses protection and warns his sexual partners prior to sexual contact, as condoms don't totally eliminate the risk of transmission either.

It's also not true (in regards to other comments) that the majority of the population have genital herpes. Most people with herpes have oral herpes, whether HSV-1 or HSV-2, not genital herpes. Most stats show (iirc) that only about 20% of people have genital herpes. So people shouldn't think it's fine to have sex with someone without telling them because 'most people have herpes anyway'. People have the right to give informed consent.

I'm sorry this young woman has been so terribly irresponsible, OP. Unfortunately it's a hard lesson for your son to learn - that you can't trust anyone else when it comes to your sexual health.

Would your reaction be the same if it was a daughter?

My son knows he can come to me about anything, no matter how big or how small or how scary. I don’t judge and I’ll be there for him.

The fact you think that’s weird sounds like a you issue.

Legal liability: In some places, knowingly exposing a partner to a sexually transmitted infection without their consent can lead to legal action or criminal charges

If she didn't tell him she had it, he could press charges

You can get hsv1 on genitals, it's just more commonly found on mouth.
Same as you can have 2 on mouth but it's more usual down below.

Some of the comments are just mean. young people make mistakes.

I do think the anyone with known heroes has a responsibility to tell new partners but anyway....

I know a guy with it, happily married, two kids. I don't think it's such a big stigma anymore and plenty of ways to stop spreading.

Hope he is ok soon OP and glad you have a relationship he feels he can get support from you rather than struggling alone x

I’d be happy about that too. Feels a million miles from where I’m parenting now, but would never want to just be cut off at 18!

Yes, I know that. Perhaps I wasn't clear in my comment - my point was that most people with herpes will have oral sores, not genital sores, of either strain. HSV-1 is more commonly found on the mouth although it can be caught genitally, but it doesn't tend to flare up as often, if so. HSV-2, I believe, is usually genital, although I'm not sure about how 'aggressive' it is if it appears elsewhere.

My point was just that people shouldn't assume that because the stats say 'oh, most people have herpes', that it's okay to expose a partner's genitals to HSV (active outbreak or not) without telling them as 'they probably already have it', as they probably don't.

Sexual health doctor here - lots of good advice here but also some incorrect information. As others have pointed out - it's spread from skin to skin contact so the unprotected sex element doesn't really make any difference. Please don't apportion shame to the partner - if she didn't have an outbreak at the time the risk of spread is low. In an ideal world anyone who has ever had herpes should tell every partner before there is any sexual contact so they can make an informed decision but these conversations are hard and I think calling her an idiot is a little harsh - having that sort of reaction just increases the stigma. Whilst painful - this is otherwise a benign condition that will not cause him long term harm. The first outbreak is extremely painful and makes people feel really glum. It will pass and then people generally fall into one of 3 categories - body clears the virus and they never have another outbreak again, have outbreaks in the future but only every few months - getting further and further apart and then eventually stopping altogether after a couple of years or so, or having frequent outbreaks every few weeks - if they fall into the latter category, they can take suppressive treatment with antivirals to prevent this. I would support and sympathise but don't join him in catastrophising - of course he can have relationships and children in the future. He's been unlucky. It shouldn't put him off this girl if he likes her! Genital herpes doesn't say anything about a person other than they have had sex - which most adults have. We really need to move away from stigmatising this condition. Sex is risky unfortunately and he'll be feeling horrible right now - but his life is not ruined! Don't be complicit in dramatising it to that extent.

Well I’ve learned something. I thought using protection would make a dramatic difference.

Sorry your son is going through this. I think it’s great that he has confided in you. I’m not sure mine would and I’d hate to think of catastrophising (as he most certainly would) on his own.

Is there some sort of coordinated influx of morons on this thread? My god!

She should've known that asymptomatic shedding was a possibility and told him that she had it, so he could at least make an informed choice. Now she's spread a painful disease to someone that he can't ever get rid of, which might plague him (hopefully not), and which he'll inevitably have to risk spreading to his future partners.

She deserves at least a mild shaming for not being honest about the infectious, incurable disease she carries and has now passed onto someone else, without him being informed of the risk he was taking.

He obviously really trusts you to share this news with you - and you are a great Mum to support him as you are.

Ignore the vile comments on here and take heart from the fact you have such a good relationship with your son.

I agree, we all talk about "be better men" and he is open and able to speak with you, just the ki d of man we need in this world.

Good for you OP

Hi OP,

I'm sorry this is proving stressful for you and your son. I can speak to this as I had a positive test for HSV1 genitally one month ago and my god is it draining, upsetting, overwhelming etc especially when all you've ever heard is the stigma around herpes. This is a bit of a long response but I've tried to share what the last month has taught me as I know how horrible it is when you first find out.

Does he know if it is HSV1 or HSV2? That will make a bit of difference to the likelihood of reoccurance etc.

First of all, it's really not a big deal. I know it will be hard reading that and you may disagree at the moment. I spent the first two weeks crying, hyperventilating, panicking about the future, feeling dirty, and not knowing what to do.

The first outbreak is said to be the worst, I found walking and sitting down painful so you can imagine how that only deepens the spiral of 'ahhh it's going to be like this forever!'.

The sexual health clinic that I went to recommended the Herpes Virus Assosication (HVA) and strictly nowhere else for advice so please don't take any of the stats shared here or on any other forums/sites as gospel. The initial panic sends you straight to Google or ai where you'll find horror stories but for most people it's a non-issue after the first occurence. I devoured the HVA website and it made me feel so much better, I also rang their helpline which was the turning point for me going from sobbing daily and thinking my life was ruined to thinking 'ahh well, it's a pain but most people have the virus, it's just an unfortunate inconvinence much the same as a cold'.

I'm in my 30s and all sexual health professionals so far have said that by this age it's 50/50 whether people have it or not and 60-80% (depending on which sources you refer to) of the UK population has HSV1 orally or gentially.

There are actually a few positives (I'm not going to share potential misinformation that I've misremembered with you, but if he rings the helpline tell him to ask if there are any upsides with regards to antibodies etc).

The clinic also recommended a YouTube video by Ella Dawson: 'STIs aren't a consequence, they're inevitable' - very helpful and reassuring video. Please do watch it!

Finally just to say that this isn't a consequence of him being irresponsible. I am an extremely responsible adult and have had two partners in my life, both times we have been fully tested before sleeping together and had conversations about contraception etc. HSV isn't part of standard tests because it's assumed most people have it anyway and as others have said, you can still catch HSV even if you use condoms.

My partner had no idea he was an asymptomatic carrier. He has been incredible and the sense of guilt he feels is pretty heartbreaking for me to watch. I'm not sure if it's worse to be the giver or the receiver in this case! Hopefully this is a big wake up call to his girlfriend to be upfront about it in the future.

I'm at the tail end of the symptoms now but I honestly thought they would never end a couple of weeks ago, it's like having chickpenpox on your bits which makes trying to forget about it pretty difficult, but it will heal and if it ever reoccurs it will be milder.

The most useful thing I found was Vaseline to prevent chaffing against underwear and clothes when you go out. And not wearing underwear at home and wearing loose clothing. HVA also sell LomaHerpan coldsore cream on their website which I have bought for if I feel a prodome (telltale tingle in the area) in the future. I am also taking 1000mg of L-Lysine twice a day in the morning and before bed as this is said to help - but as I've said do your own research into that and don't believe anything you read online other than from official HVA or NHS sources.

I hope your son heals quickly and that his mood and mental health don't take too big of a hit. It's a pain but in all honestly if he didn't catch it now he would likely have caught it at some point in the future. Lots of people, (roughly 2 in 3), have HSV1 and will never know because they have no symptoms or the symptoms are so mild they think it's something else.

Big hugs to you both xx

I think from reading this he hasn’t used protection, however even if he had he could have still caught it so hopefully will be a real eye opener going forward. I understand why you would be pissed but there’s unlikely any thing additional you could say to make him feel worse than he already does so maybe time to try and be as supportive as you can with putting it in perspective it’s not the end of the world it’s happened to a LOT of people and this is likely the worst it will ever be pain wise. It’s probably not the time to go over this (because I’m sure sex is the last thing he wants right now) but while it’s absolutely not something he needs to share with any of his friends it is something he will need to share with any future partners which is something you will need to drive home. Be kind to yourself you’ve done everything you could and he has went against your advice, unfortunately he’s at an age where he needs to make his own mistakes and while he’s fucked up he has done something stupid not bad x

…but maybe I’m just a bad mother… Or maybe you’re just a bitch? Sorry, I also can’t help saying what I think.

OP, he’s reeling and miserable. I think it’s admirable you’re close enough for him to confide in you.

As OPs said, the first outbreak is apparently the worst. On top of the emotions of realizing what he’s contracted, his immune system is in full panic mode. I like the Deliveroo suggestion, sounds like he could do with some comfort food, it’d also help reassure him you’re not angry, just upset for him 💐

Your question doesn't make any sense.