TAMOXIFEN ****20****

[KurriKurri]

Hello ladies, - just taking the plastic wrapper off a brand new thread

Fwiw I have booked weekly appt with therapist (poss more). I was a bit as it is on the day that my new nct lot meet up (they don't seem terribly flexible). I had wanted this maternity leave to be about doing the normal baby things.

Unfortunately it's turned out rather different but I have found that had so much love and support from some
Friends that maybe i can just enjoy more time with them instead of mourning what might have been.

Sorry j- also missed your post. Sounds a nice service.

Evening everyone, so sorry to read some of you are feeling this awful paranoia. It's such a bugger when it rears it's ugly head. I had it a few weeks ago and totally understand how everyone is feeling. I desperately want a scan but they wont let me (not their usual procedure, etc. etc.) yet I know I'd be panicking if they offered me one.

KK, how lovely to randomly meet up with the lady who knew your dear dad and to hear how well respected he was. Comforting for you and your mum I'm sure. Sorry to hear about the fall - I hope mum gets an appointment soon.

Jane, glad the service went well today. You are bound to be feeling tired and emotional. I hope you manage to relax and sleep well.

Amber, sorry the insurance was a pain to sort out. You've reminded me that I must think about our insurance well before we go away in May. I'll try not to leave it till the last minute.

Off to bed now but I'll try and catch up more tomorrow. We've had a couple of very hectic days here and I'm all behind (in more ways than one ).

Jane, must have x-posted. Glad you're back. Does sound rather a lovely and fitting way to send someone on their way.

Topsy g'ah to that Paranoia woman. Counselling might be a godsend you know. Am considering it myself.

Gig you have been through it.

Is anyone out there drinking? If so let's raise a toast to the future for us all. There will be one, it's going to last years and I'd say it's going to be astonishing.

am sure that counselling is a really good idea (with added Mindfulness of course !) Am sorry that so many are feeling wibbly - it seems to go in waves.
jane am glad you're safely back- you must be exhausted -it does sound a very lovely funeral.
Big hugs to everyone xxx

Jane - what a very bittersweet day. Hope you have a nice gentle one tomorrow x

Topsy - it is soooo hard to get your mind into a more positive way of thinking when you are depressed, if not (temporarily) impossible. It's just not possible to 'snap out of it', or even be distracted sometimes. But it WILL come back. In the meantime, it is so draining - I know what you mean about the tiredness. Feeling down is tiring, and sitting/lying around because you're exhausted is depressing in itself - vicious circle! Have been feeling particularly tired the last couple of days, and the heavy grey skies definitely don't help. We all have to try to be very cunning Pollyannas - finding that bit of positive where we can and focussing on that. But if you're feeling wobbly, always tell us. And yes, organising some counselling could help too - nothing to lose by trying it!

Smee - yes it does help to know you're seen 3-monthly too, thanks! Or maybe we both have 'Paranoid. Needs constant reassurance. See more often than usual' on our notes!

Big hugs and goodnight wishes to all x

hope everyone is feeling chipper today - it's dh's birthday,so there'll be cake later- I think he's 47

Happy birthday Mas dh- look forward to cake later. Hope
Everyone happier today

Happy Birthday to Mr Mas , is it choklit cake ?

Am feeling a little bit more cheerful this morning , well actually I'm not , but feel if I keep saying it I will soon feel it

I have Crime Eggs and Hula Hoops on offer this morning ...

Lime, I should most definitely have that on my notes atm. The funny thing about me is that even my BCN says I'm levelled headed about it all. Not any longer though, ha!

Waving to Figgy. Am glad you were just busy, was about to come after you.

Topsy, you should maybe get some of the CD's MAS recommended. They tell you not to push anything away, but to recognise it. MAS would describe Mindfulness far better than me, but I like the way it looks at life. You could see if you're as useless at me at breathing..

DS has skipped off to school dressed as TinTin carrying one of the much treasured books. Had to stop him taking 'Tintin in the Congo', which involved a short lecture on the history racism and the patronising nature of colonialism.

Am off to my lovely acupuncturist. Sod the work which is heaping up, as I think I need it. Hope it's a lovely day where you are. Blue skies, birds tweeting here. Mind you, cat prowling too..

Forgot to type hip-hip for Mr MAS. I'll be back for cake later.

Smee I dont think there is any harm in having that on your notes- I told my oncologist I am shit scared . Also had it all over my maternity notes about my history and was told by one of mw that consultant had briefed the MW team about my history and to treat me as paranoid and I was appreciative that they did.

good morning all, sorry that some are feeling the wobbles, im feeling the wobbles too a bit as i see my onc-surgeon today. have to get 'my bits out' for him and also to see what is the future plan, and of course typical i think it has come back as i have a sore spot as i did before which has suddenly popped up..bloody flippin canceritis.

happy birthday MR MAS - arf @ you think he's 47!! hows he wearing as he gets older haha?

Gig, you have been through/are going through so much i am in awe of you quite honestly.

topsy or anyone thinking of counselling im having my 2nd session tomorrow at oncology centre. it went well in the first session as purely a dumping all nasty crappy thoughts on someone who i dont love/care about!!

lovely sunny day in kent. hot cross buns here for fbs
hope all have a good day - oh after my long walk i have nearly had to order a stannah stairlift!!

love and best wishes to all

smee, i love tintin! i think its a great costume for ds. my dd went for the pretty popular tinkerbell!

Yes tin tin original (does he have a snowy?). Dd1 was The little mermaid.

Holsten sorry you are having the fear as I know I constantly Query any sensation . And i share your pain re the indignity . Whilst it is good that nothing "vital" near my tumour, who hasn't seen my arse/bits over the last few months? Surgeon may well be able to make you feel Better as it could just be bruising or damage but am
Sending you good vibes.

And there is not much to be in awe of - of anything good came out of the horrible things that happened , I suppose it's being tougher .

Hot cross buns - yum

thanks gig, you are a tough cookie!
i can honestly say i never ever ever ever want to get my bits out ever again!! but, its not that simple so i just have to get used to it. its not looking too bad down there, in most part. thanks for the good vibes, i think its just because after op1 he said come back in 3 months, but i found a dodgy patch earlier than that and went back. so he did op2 which found the cancer. so now im thinking aargh i have the same sensation again, already. im really overthinking it, my appt is at lunchtime so not long to wait!

tonight will treat kids to pizza, something to look forward to and dd bday party saturday (5) so much to do!

Poor you. There are a load of nerves down there which Wont help that sensation (one of my se is numbness in that area due to nerves that come across the buttock) . You are Doing right thing getting it checked as earlier the better if anything amiss (i keep telling myself).

Right should rest now as was up with minigig who was restless last night

What kind of party is dd having?

Am as in the battle of wills I can hear downstairs , it's clear dd2 aged 6 weeks has got the measure of the nanny

I am sorry that paranoia is still running amok here, I hope we can all put it back in its box soon.

You are all very wise to go and get yourselves reassurance, whether that is from oncs/surgeons or from counsellors. Life is too precious and potentially wonderful to put up with the horror of the fear. Smee is right. The future is going to be astounding, for all of us.

KK - your poor Mum, how tough for her. It is hard getting old and infirm. I hope the spring weather can pep her up a bit.

MAS - your poor boy. It is horrible being 14, I still remember it.

Jane - the funeral sounded as lovely and personal as can be. Takes it out of you, though.

Whoever asked if I am a big Michael McIntyre fan - kind of. I mean, I can see that he has really annoying mannerisms, and it shouldn't really work. But when it comes to it, he leaves me helpless with laughter, every time. There have been occasions when I have feared for my ability to breathe

It is a beautiful day here, and I think I have just found an alternative supplier who will provide me with an online database that: 1. I actually understand how to use (miraculous), and 2. Does NOT cost £3,000 or anything near (joy). So things chez sometimes are on the up, at least for today.

Still feeling for those of you going through the mill, and I am off to light a candle for you all. x

Ooh and forgot to say, I have forgotten to sort out Mum's Tesco Clubcard points online, and they have gone out of date. I don't think I dare phone [scared]

will your mum be cross sometimes?
Hooray for database thingy !!
Dh's cake is coffee and walnut (thinking of myself as usual !) - he looks very good for 47 (worked it out-same age as my brother) all his own teeth and hair anyway...
topsy - smee is right about the Mindfulness- it is just really a way of living in the present moment,which is the only moment when we are truly alive. By focussing on your breath going in and out you will notice your mind whizzing off to deal with the millions of thoughts and ideas that come into your head -you just acknowledge them but don't engage with them,let them float by like clouds. it takes a bit of getting used to but it is very calming. You mustn't worry about having loads of thoughts because that is natural, but the Mindfulness bit is when you notice your mind wandering off and you bring it back to your breathing.
Lots of love to all who are sore/anxious/not in a good place- xxxxxxx
Am taking dh out to lunch !

Have a lovely lunch!

about that, the cake and DH having hair!

And OH YES Mum will be cross.

Right - I have bought more hot cross buns on this sunny spring like day, but I have also bought a big box to put paranoia in when we feel we are ready to pop him away for a bit, we can just put him beside the sofa, get him out when we need to and then pop him away again for a bit. This is all part of the new normal I guess. Big hugs smee, you have done the right thing, and to gig, ned, topsy, amber, holsten and lime too.

MAS tis bugger if that lump is back! Sorry.

Kurri - your poor mum! I hope they are taking better care of her now!

Sometimes - oh dear, if your mum is anything like my mum, I would be seriously worried [sympathetic emoticon]

I have had horrid dizziness and nausea for last 16 hours now, just managed to get the dc to school this morning. Have gone through, blood pressure, braintumour, fear will drop dead instantly...and settled on I have a virus! Yep I need that box for paranoia too.

Ds' feet much better today, thank you for asking. He is still quite down, but it takes a while to recover when he feels that low of course. He is 8 by the way.

Hurls Paranoia into Sparkle's box - is it padlocked Sparkle??

Holstein am rooting for you even though I was too late to wish you luck. Hope the appt. goes well and you get heaps of reassurance..

Sometimes did you hear Michael M on Desert Island Discs?? He sounded very sweet. Oh-er about the vouchers. Can't you just lie?? Well done on the database.

Gig, I'd bet your DD looked cute as Little Mermaid. Hope you've got some sleep now and baby DD has stopped fighting with the nanny. DS does have a Snowy, but he couldn't take it as apparently cuddly toys are embarrassing. He sleeps with Snowy and a sheep every night. Cuddly toy sheep, not a real one!

Can I just say how much I love my Acupuncturist. She has gone a huge way to putting my mind at rest. She said I was barely breathing, so it's no wonder my ribs hurt. Interesting too, as she sees lots of people coming through cancer and especially with women who keep going throughout, she says they often suffer with a form of post traumatic stress, so your body shuts down in defence. All food for thought and made sense to me. Am already breathing a lot more freely and my ribs are feeling less fragile too.

Am mighty envious of MAS and her DH's lunch. What a lovely thing to do. Way back when DS started nursery, DH and I used to go to breakfast together, as DS was useless with babysitters, so it was our only way to get out. Was quite lovely though.

Ooh, something weird happened then. Sparkle I typed a line or two to you worrying about your dizziness, but they're not in that last post. Come sit with me on top of your Paranoia box and eat Hot Cross Buns xx.