Things you've learnt from the movies

[OrlandoWoolf]

If you capture a secret agent, kill them. Don't tell them your plans.Just kill them. Preferably yourself with lots of people around.

If someone is dead,make sure they're dead. Kill them again. Just to make sure.

And- if you're a woman, you can eat the hugest meal in the world, go home and roll around the bed with the hunky hero and still have a completely flat stomach. You will never flop on the sofa and say 'Not tonight dear, I ate way too much and if I move I'll be sick."

AND you'll orgasm within three seconds.

If you end up in a wierdly designed car that has doors that open up as wings, make sure you don't drive any faster than 87mph or else you may find yourself in a different time zone and different era of time. DO NOT under any circumstances go at 88mph or think that 1985 was a great year.

If you work for the Federation, study study study. You do NOT want to be an ensign as you will be first killed on any expedition that the Captain sends you on.

If you are trapped at the top of a very tall building a helicopter will miraculously rise from the depths and peek enticingly over the parapet at you.

If you accidentally fall from the top of a very tall building a superhero will catch you.

If you are injured (especially by sword) and subsequently acquire an infection while you may be in for an uncomfortable few days you will nevertheless be a picturesque patient and recover completely thanks either to the power of love or the extensive knowledge of a gnarled and grumpy wise woman hiding a heart of gold.

No-one in Hollywood has ever seen a zombie movie and the world is therefore taken completely by surprise when people start getting ravaged by flesh eating desperados.

If you are a teacher just starting out you will inevitably be given the most challenging class who will test you to the limits. There will be one kid who has major issues in life (drugs/home life) whose life you will forever alter for the better within 2 months of knowing them. The class will all become A grade students even though you are shite at your job because you discover how to be 'down with the kids'.

When you cry, but especially if you're a woman, you will wipe away your tears with that weird palm to the face movement that allows your mascara not to run. This is the case in RL now, too.

Back in the day folks used to screw up their fists and really get into the eyes.

It's not unusual to not know you're having twins, despite full pre natal care.

You will birth the first, everyone will coo over the baby, then you will shout that it still hurts. The Dr will jump up, and without any further investigation or examination, will shout "there's another one", and out the second twin will pop.

It's never safe to go back in the water.

In space no-one can hear you scream but it's not for want of you trying.

There is no such thing as specialising. If you're a lawyer, you can handle complex Intellectual Property cases one day and go defend a guy on a death row the next. If you're a doctor, you will do a lumbar puncture, analyze some samples, diagnose a few extremely rare diseases and then perform a few surgeries from brain to bowels, all in the same day.

If you are being chased through the house by a mass murderer; when the murderer falls down the stairs, out a window or does anything else to make you think he is dead, do not cautiously lean over him to check. He is just pretending and will grab you and kill you, instead find something heavy and repeatedly whack him with it until you are certain he isn't getting back up. This all must be done whilst wearing a cute little vest top and pants.

If you are a Dr, at least one case per shift will be directly relevant to your own personal situation, and after helping them all becomes clear and you can rush off and resolve all your issues.

Everyone in Britain has a cool American acquaintance.

Even people with relatively normal jobs can afford to live in lovely houses in major cities OR they live in grungy-yet-boho flats with an eccentric Scottish/Irish/Welsh friend.

When you meet someone who you detest, you will actually love them.

Electric toothbrushes do not exist. Everyone saws away in their mouth for about 10 seconds with a manual and yet has perfect teeth.

I've learnt a lot about IT:

Whatever you do with a computer - searching, typing, entering a password, clicking a button etc - it will make futuristic little beepy blippy noises.

If you do a search for something e.g. fingerprint or mugshot search, every single image in the database will flash up on the screen for a nanosecond until a match is found.

Computers, especially ones with big screens at government or big corporate headquarters, always run a weird futuristic blue-themed operating system where all the windows are transparent. Never Windows or Mac.

Everything runs on a mainframe. "Mainframe" in movies and TV just means the main computer or database. E.g. "I need access to the mainframe to pull those files" is a really normal thing to say if you're a civil servant type employee.

Hacking just involves loads of really fast typing and no clicking. You can hack "against" an enemy in real time as you attack or defend their server, they will also be typing away furiously and little windows will pop up or close down on your screen, it's also really easy for hackers to send you messages by just making intimidating text show up on your screen when you're in the middle of something. If you don't have access to something it will flash up saying "ACCESS DENIED!" in red text on a huge box.

If you are a cop and are working on some drugs case with really really really bad people, tell your family. Or make them move out. Otherwise they will be kidnapped.

Don't tell people where they are though as someone on the inside will be an informer.

Complicated scientific diagnostics take minutes. "I ran a southern blot on the stuff we found this morning, here are the results". Never, oh I have to wait 3 hours for the reagent to work, then leave it overnight to run. Then repeat it 3 times to make sure the results are correct, plus another time when I got reagent x and y mixed up.

Also a mass spectrometer can do everything.

all court cases take a day, at most, and not years and years. Submit your claim in the morning and the jury will award you a few million by lunchtime.

Mobile phones don't really need to be charged - not even iphones, and they will always work.

Ditto laptops.

If your marriage has failed, just move back to the town you grew up in and your childhood sweetheart will be there waiting to declare his undying love for you.

Pmsl at tictactoad

Whenever you open a door to leave, someone else will always be just about to enter. But when you knock on someone's door, either they won't answer and you'll have to kick it down, or it'll be open and you'll see their dead body through the crack. If you don't see their dead body, it'll be stuffed in a cupboard.

There is a view of the Eiffel Tower from every window in Paris.

It does seem very easy to kick doors down. Ryan Hardy did it twice on the last episode of The Folllowing.

It didn't work for me when I was locked out.

I managed to shin over the 10ft fence from my neighbours'. Luckily I'd left the back door open. They were quite impressed by my athleticism.

Unluckily my trousers snagged revealing my big pants.