Things you've learnt from the movies

[OrlandoWoolf]

If you capture a secret agent, kill them. Don't tell them your plans.Just kill them. Preferably yourself with lots of people around.

If someone is dead,make sure they're dead. Kill them again. Just to make sure.

If you feel like bursting into song in public, no one will stare or laugh. In fact they will join in and know the words and tune, even though you have just made i up on the spot. They will also know all the dance moves despite never having attended a single rehearsal.

It's ok to process a crime scene in your best clothes, loose long hair, long nails and high heels.

There are hardly any fat people around, particularly in the US.

If your class is misbehaving,jump on the desk.

Or sing. Guaranteed to always win.

Bombs either go off or are disarmed in the last 2 seconds.

If a dragon attacks you really really (I cannot emphasise this enough) need someone called Bard to kill it off for you (leaving you free to gaze upon his loveliness)

When being chased on foot, at least two of the following things must happen:

• You will run through a hotel or restaurant kitchen,

• You will knock over a random display rack in the street,

• You will crash into a random person. They will never swear at you or retaliate in any way,

• You will run down an alleyway that has a wire fence at the end of it, forcing you to attempt to climb it,

• If you need to jump out of a high window there will usually be a handy dumpster underneath for you to land in.

Movie-land phones are very special machines that allow the person at the unseen end to impart hugely complex information in under a minute. No conversation takes longer than this, and the visible half of the conversation only needs to say 'Uh-huh. Yep. Right. Gotcha' before slamming the phone down.

If you are the heroine you will have three best friends, one will be gay, gorgeous and bitchy. Another will be a bit academic and kooky, the other will be a total babe maneater with a heart of gold. They will all love you and their lives revolve around your own to the point where any conversation (in a bar, over cocktails) will always centre around you and your job/on-off relationship/hot guy in your office. You'll never actually find much out about them, they live to be your friends.

Dates are arranged by saying "shall we go on a date?", "Yes sounds good", "Ok I'll pick you up at 8".

But...but you don't know where they live, you haven't said where you're going, it could be a date to a concrete convention for all you know!

If you think you are being spied on, look out of the window.

Is there an unmarked transit van? That's the one.

If you are a lonely teenager, no one will really understand you the way your dog does. The dog will be a labrador or a golden retriever.

But, beware! When the earthquake occurs/the volcano erupts/the aliens invade, the dog will heroically rescue you before disappearing.

Never fear though. In the closing scene, you will wipe a tiny bit of soot from your face, sigh and blink your eyes. Then you will blink again as you see Fido coming towards you. Fido is alive!

This is more true of TV than film, but women always keep their bras on when they're having sex.

Any woman between ages 15 - 45 being sick, ever: always pregnant - unless it's a pandemic movie- in which case 'has caught virulent desease', obvs

If you go on a train you will at some point end up running on top of it whilst miraculously avoiding all tunnels.

If you are a kid, at least one of your best friends will end up dying.

If you have a cat, something very bad will probably happen to you but your cat will be all right.

If it is your last day at work before retirement, expect some life or death situation to arise.

If you need a wee or a poo, remember nobody ever does that on films apart from john Travolta in Pulp Fiction and he ended up getting shot when he'd finished.

If you are female and your male love interest* gets into a fight don't worry - you aren't expected to do much. Just flap around the edges and scream a bit. Even if you have a scaffolding pole or sledgehammer in your hands and the baddie is facing away from you and isn't moving too much, you'll probably miss. Or strike a glancing blow at most, giving your hero a few seconds' respite. You will not deliver the knockout/killer blow - only men have the ability to do this.

*love interest will of course be male - gay people are incredibly rare and don't get into life or death action situations

When you hear bad news, the expected reaction is to find the nearest sink. You must then run the taps and pour water over your face. Don't worry if you are wearing make-up. It will never run or leave you with panda eyes.

When you are being sick, you must always kneel on the floor and hug the toilet bowl. It doesn't matter if it's a public toilet. It will be spotlessly clean with no drips, stains, or other spillages.

It is apparently totally acceptable to go to a bar in America drink lots (preferable spirits? and then drive home with no comment from anyone who might also be in the car with you or cops that might randomly stop you.

Americans that live in nice big spacious suburban houses don't appear to have spare rooms. Unexpected guests and disgruntled spouses sleep on the couch in the den.

A lot of people work in advertising and fashion.

Homes are either slums or enviable decorated with trendy decor and mod cons regardless of income. They can never be kind of nice with a bit of worn out in need of a lick of paint.

All offices are really smart, with floor to ceiling windows and views of skyscrapers and/or Central Park. Everyone wears suits to work.

unlike the office where I work, which has two tiny windows and everyone wears a fleece with the company logo on it because it's so cold.

If you are a suspect and the police come to question you don't stop what you are doing - just carry on while they ask questions, don't look at them while they are talking to you.
If you are a man you will probably be washing your car, a woman will be washing up.

If you have to go into the woods at night, don't worry if you haven't brought a torch with you as the moon will be shining as if it is behind one of those trees over there and not at all like an industrial floodlight in any way.

If there's an emergency and traffic is gridlocked you can run across an entire city, just getting a little bit out of puff at the end for about 10 seconds.

And you can run over the tips of the cars with ease or shout/shoot across streets from the top if them.

Great thread!

Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what your gonna get.

Only Americans can truly save the world. The rest of us are silly blundering fools who don't stand a chance.

Bad guy minions cannot under any circumstances shoot straight anywhere near the hero, however sidekicks can be hit at 1,000 yards with a small handgun.

No handgun has recoil unless your name is Dirty Harry.

Anyone working in security had better have planned for their funeral as you will not make it the whole way through the film unless you are the comedy relief.

American cops have to decide at the beginning of their career whether they're going to be type A:- doughnut-eating jovial cop or B:- whisky drinking tortured cop. No-one is allowed to do both or neither.

No matter what covert military division you belong to, and no matter how many years gun practice you have, you won't be able to hit a standing target. You will, however, believe that shooting the pillar/wall nearish the criminal is an effective use of your bullets. You will also believe that bullets can go round corners. Your role is to lie on the roof/crouch behind the car and wait until the hero arrives.

Women who actually can fight don't need to worry about untied, swishy hair getting in their eyes/getting caught hold of by their opponent. They also don't end up sweaty and red of face after a prolonged bout of fighting.

In fact- the only people who sweat are men wearing vests. They will either be overweight, low-level criminal types, or the hero, who sweats in symmetrical fashion (usually prior to removing his vest to reveal a hairless yet impressively honed and toned torso)