Things you've learnt from the movies

[OrlandoWoolf]

If you capture a secret agent, kill them. Don't tell them your plans.Just kill them. Preferably yourself with lots of people around.

If someone is dead,make sure they're dead. Kill them again. Just to make sure.

If you're a German spy in the Second World War trying to assassinate Churchill (yes you Michael Caine) you will speak with an impeccable English accent throughout the movie until you are caught when you will then speak with a thick German accent

If you are alone in a large house and are woken in the night by a strange noise, you will not put on some sensible clothes, leg it out of there are call the police. Instead, you will go down into the basement which is lit by a single 20w lightbulb calling out "who's there". You will either be killed immediately, or will be tied and tortured for the duration of the film. If you do manage to escape through the tiny window (which had been boarded up by planks of wood) the serial killer will be waiting for you on the other side.

Everyone has perfectly straight teeth even if they lived hundreds of years ago. No women ever have any body hair. No men have thinning hair as they are either completely bald or have a full head of thick lustrous locks.

Just before you shoot someone, you need to say, hey, Pilgrim!

If you get an invite to the Christmas Party at the Nakatomi Plaza find something else to do.

Cell phones are different to mobile phones - they can get a signal and work anywhere (and never need recharging).

A single match can ignite a forest blaze to rival the fires of hell but will not start your campfire if your life depends on it. A single match will however light up an entire room.

Medical training is not always required to save a life - just shouting "Don't you dare die on me" is sufficient if they are important or beautiful/handsome enough.

Don't pick up hitchhikers.

You will die.

Don't cut people up in your car on a deserted highway.

You will die.

Babies are most silly. They will most often look away from their parents to some invisible other parent just out of eyesight and act as if they are dying to get out of their parents' arms.

Babies will coo and/or fall asleep in their cots, if you sing to them, act silly, or show a funny toy. With all the lights on. Ah!

Very few babies are breastfed and if they are, mum's breasts don't hurt or leak, or get mastitis or blocked ducts.

Sometimes, women get very bloated and suddenly find an urge to sit at their desks or carry large items on their arms or wear large heavy coats all the time, for no apparent reason. Conversely, when they do get pregnant, they keep their former weight and there are no signs of being bloated.

Paper will suddenly ignite throughout if you so much get a match near it.

If you are a man and are on the run, put on a dress and a wig. Instant disguise. No one will ever suspect you are a man and you will probably get chatted up by blokes.

If you are in the military and are training to be an Officer or an ace pilot,don't have a dad who used to be in the same job. You will have a reputation and a shadow hanging over you.

If you are training someone,be hard to them.Really annoy them, wind them up and bully them. It will be fine. Honest.

If you are an insanely dangerous psychopathic cannibal prison transfers will be made in a blaze of publicity and snapping lenses.

If you are being chased by a car you must always run down the middle of the road to make it easier for them to follow you. Do not run into any shop or house to get away from them.

If you steal a car, it will always be full of petrol so you can drive as far as you like.

Your life won't be worth living should you taunt hairy truckers via CB radio or even by overtaking.

Always take the darkest and most isolated footpath you can especially if there is a well lit, well-populated alternative.

All American bars have a TV tuned to the news channel which will flash up a photograph of the serial killer/man-on-the-run/prime suspect, who also happens to be sitting at said bar, but who will not be spotted by anyone else in said bar, and will manage to make good his escape.

If you want to fight criminals, don't bother joining the police or anything like that.
Get yourself a suit and some impossible gadgets and go off as a vigilante.

If you are guarding someone and they look like they have escaped from their cell,them:

1. Call for help.Wait till the help arrives.

2. Open the door carefully.

3. Go in and lock the door behind you. Keep your back to the wall and look up.

4. Whilst one of you is covering the other one, look under the bed, in the bed and behind any posters. Shoot the bed if need be.

That should cover anyone still hiding in the room.

That it's possible to buy orange juice in gallon cartons and swig from it by the neck without being repeatedly clipped on the ear by a parent.

That you can eat ice-cream straight from the fridge in the middle of the night and stay skinny

That American's are very conservative dressers but love a great big blingy engagement ring

That it's perfectly reasonable to trash an entire section of an overseas city with an extensive car chase killing a fair number of non-americans, in pursuit of a baddie who is threatening to kill a single american.

That France will always be hit first in an asteroid or alien attack.

That any idiot can hack a computer/come up with the password under pressure

If you are guarding a dangerous cannibal, do not ever lean over. If it looks like they are dying, let them, no loss there.
Likewise, do not attempt to blackmail them. It will not end well.

On the other hand, if you are their life long enemy, make sure your family is safe at all times, but you can be caught 1000s of times that they won't actually kill you.

If you don't have a body, the villain is not dead.
If you don't have a recognisable body, the villain is not dead.
If you have managed to identify the body through DNA evidence or dental records, but you haven't actually seen the villain dying, the villain is not dead.

Any blood when you cough and you are dead, either through TB or lung cancer. The same for a nose bleed or a headache, which mean a brain tumour.

When you take that gorgeous man you met in the bar back to your trendy apartment for a night of passion, said apartment will always be beautifully tidy with fresh sheets on the bed, you will never be on your period, you will be wearing matching sexy underwear, you will be completely hairless from your eyebrows down and contraception is neither required nor discussed.

The morning after the night of passion you will wake looking glowing and perfectly made up, with sexily tousled hair, to find the man from the bar ha been staring at you while you slept having fallen madly in love with you.

You will only realise you are around 6 months pregnant when someone mentions the date and you rush to your well organised bathroom cabinet to find a full box of tampons, before staring thoughtfully off into the distance. This realisation was all you needed to develop a pronounced bump overnight on your previously slim body.

Even after the most minor of car accidents, you have approximately 10 seconds before your vehicle explodes into a ball of flames.

You might be slightly bruised and bleeding after a long fight, but won't have a mark on you the next day. Someone should tell that to the moderate bruise of mine that is still here 2 weeks later..

To add to the randomly barking dogs and meowing cats, horses will whinny frequently for no apparent reason.

Most men with jobs are architects.

CaveMum, agreed! It is also not truly night in the British countryside unless you hear a tawny owl call or a fox bark.

If someone burns an incriminating document in a fireplace, there will always be an unburnt fragment with half a significant word legible on it.

Lol at "Don't you dare die on me"
Could save the NHS a fortune