Things you've learnt from the movies

[OrlandoWoolf]

If you capture a secret agent, kill them. Don't tell them your plans.Just kill them. Preferably yourself with lots of people around.

If someone is dead,make sure they're dead. Kill them again. Just to make sure.

The hero will have a cool name like Brock Hammer, never something like Cyril Willyglue III.

That in the future, we will meet lots of types of aliens all of which will be humanoid except just with slightly different heads.

That there are no women over 40, unless they are solving crimes or ruling the UK.

You can tell how good a man is by shooting at him. Bad men die instantly if you so much as point a gun in their direction, while good men can run through a hail of gunfire and emerge with only picturesque scratches.

All uniformed police officers are shit drivers unless they are the lead character!

In any major city anywhere in the world you will always find a parking space directly outside whichever restaurant, bar, City Hall, courtroom, dry-cleaners or post office you are going to, which will not require you to buy a pay-and-display ticket, find change for the meter or use a pay-by-phone service.

All London taxi drivers will drive past Big Ben regardless of where you are going.

During a car chase you will take a detour down an alley and hit a pile of empty cardboard boxes.

All US police officers driving marked cars in a chase stop by parking them on top of the police car in front instead of swerving and stepping on the brake.

If you are the hero you will run across three lanes of traffic and bounce off the bonnet of a car and get up and continue running.

IRL if your cat trips you and you fall awkwardly against the table you will not lie sprawled and winded on the floor with a broken rib while the cat yells 'Wah!' into your face and runs off.

Guess who spent Friday night in A&E?

Also, if you are the hero driven to reluctantly car-jack in order to save the city the driver will not have locked the door.

The driver you turf out on the road will be a smug, white middle-aged man in a top-range BMW or Lexis who is undoubtedly pulling down a six-figure salary and shagging his secretary and not a woman in a crappy Vauxhall Corsa who needs to release her children from their car seats.

Just before a major disaster or critical event, a full blown orchestra will strike up and violins will lurch upwards into a crescendo, yet when you look round whether in the middle of a desert, ocean or park, there are no musicians there....

Except for Space Balls.

Do not, ever, look under the bed.

If you are making dinner for the family you don't just grab a few vegetables out the cupboard/fridge - have a massive pile of veg on the counter top which must include a huge bunch of carrots complete with carrot tops.

You can get fit really really quickly as long as you train in a montage style...

When you are dumped you will console yourself with ice cream. Not getting pissed and drunk texting your now-ex and all previous exes.

Considering how popular it is, only one person has ever been seen using Mumsnet. That's Sue from Outnumbered.

The only people who use forums seem to be people who are found in comic book stores.

All horses will neigh when galloping furiously for 14 days straight and will either be absolutely fine or suddenly collapse and die. They will never buck you off because they're tired, but will rear so you fall off at the worst possible moment.

People galloping furiously across the countryside always know exactly where to go. They never pause and look around hopelessly wondering if they just did ten miles in the wrong direction.
If someone turns on the radio it always gives forth immediately the one snippet of information that they needed to hear. No ads or faff.

The horse ones always really bug me, DH finds it really funny!

If there's a wild, untameable stallion (it's ALWAYS a stallion!) the hero will pacify him with a quick forehead rub and turn him into a pussycat.

On other issues:

Zombies/vampires always have impressive Bruce Lee-style martial arts skills, even if they were office workers/bin men when alive.

The only people who use forums seem to be people who are found in comic book stores.

Or are murdered very early on in the story, or are the murderers.

If you are a beautiful woman sometimes your face might be in darkness but you'll have a strip of light across your eyes.

Women with bobs are kooky. Women with layers have a cheating boyfriend.

If you are a lawyer you can run in really high heels and mini skirt for quite a long way.

No-one is a bit chubby - it's a size 6 or obese.

It is possible to commandeer and fly a military jet with absolutely no training whatsoever.

You will be able to manoeuvre this jet with precision ability while balancing seven of your children, a criminal mastermind and next doors dog on the wings.

Only the criminal mastermind will fall to their death. The seven children and the dog will be able to cling on until you land.

Even when you fire a missile that blows up the other commandeered military jet, which is filled with the criminal masterminds minions, all of whom are shooting at you with various machine guns at the time.

If you are pregnant on an aeroplane, your plane will be hijacked and suffer engine failure, but you will give birth safely thanks to a retired, elderly doctor and a handy nurse who happened to be flying with you. They will be diverted from helping you because of a businessman having a heart attack, but you will be saved at the end by the hero, who helps you down the rubber slide with your newborn to the safety of the waiting ambulance and applause of the airport staff.

If you are a teenager on a bicycle, you will be able to peddle faster than cars can drive.

If you are a teenager in a 4x4, you will run somebody over and leave them for dead on the road.

If you have a baby you can just leave it aside until it is needed for the plot. Don't worry organizing care for it.

If the hero of the film has a son (usually under the age of 7) he is separated from, said son will have a glossy pudding bowl haircut resembling that sported by Anne Widdicombe.

Hello everyone,

With the OP's kind permission we're just sweeping this one into films.

Thanks

Anyone drinking alcohol and then seeing something unbelievable will pick up the bottle and look at it in astonishment and chuck it away in horror.

People get up after a night of passion and wrap the sheet around them. I'd be pretty annoyed if someone dragged my sheet off the bed and walked off with it.

Then they pad to the fridge, which is always stocked with goodies, (not like mine with the congealed spoonful of baked beans and the soggy end of an old cucumber) and have a lovely midnight feast.

Ooh another..in America,n films, ALL their groceries fit into a large brown paper bag (with some flowers peeking out the top) and are carried nicely in one arm.

My groceries involve me red faced wrestling with a million bags and stuff rolling out all over the place.

American women keep their bras on for sex.
It's perfectly acceptable to have an active working day, raunchy sex all night, then pull on your clothes and set off for another day's work WITHOUT EVER HAVING A SHOWER

People dig really deep graves effortlessly. Digging is hard work. That's why they have machines in graveyards and IRL the bodies of murder victims are stumbled upon by dog walkers unless they've been killed by someone with contacts in the construction of a new motorway.