Things you've learnt from the movies

[OrlandoWoolf]

If you capture a secret agent, kill them. Don't tell them your plans.Just kill them. Preferably yourself with lots of people around.

If someone is dead,make sure they're dead. Kill them again. Just to make sure.

If you are a teenager you will always, always, be either a straight A student, or a troublesome dropout. You will not ever be someone who is kind of average.

Everyone in England drives a mini, speaks with a posh accent and went to boarding school.

If I see a woman fall over I know she must be both beautiful and kooky.

You will never run out if ammo until all the bad guys crowd you. Then you'll be rescued.

You can steal any car and drive off at speed without thinking 'Where the fuck is the clutch? Shit it is an automatic. How do you open the door? What does the red light mean on the dash?

You can pick up a card game and learn in twenty seconds flat. And win.

You can stand up pissed and wow a bar room full of people with your singing and dance moves.

If you're crawling through a ventilation shaft the spinning fan will restart half a nano-second after you've dragged yourself clear.

And all buildings have ventilation shafts you can crawl about in and move from room to room unseen.

If the baddie realises he will shoot randomly at the ceiling, while you cringe watching little rays of light appear. But the bullets will magically miss and on you crawl...

I'd rather let the baddies get me than go scuttling around a ventilation shaft.

Baddies can never shoot straight.

And all ventilation shaft are so clean!!!!

Pristine monuments of shining stainless steel without a spec of dust or a spiders web to be seen.

And they always take the sturdy heroes bulk.

Ventilation shafts should have their own chapter in the The Big Book of Film Clichés really.

That what men really want is instant domesticity - have sex with them, yes, but make sure you cook sexy breakfasts and put wildflowers on the table in a jar, this will = true love.

That if you take your eye off anybody under 18 for a single second, especially to do something fun, they will be dead. I didn't really learn this one until I saw a Czech film (Tolya) where the lead male actor left a young child in the bath and went off to another room where he fooled around with a hot young female actor in scanty under crackers and the child was fine. That would NEVER happen in a US or UK film.

if you are an attractive lady with swishy hair and you are wearing a crisply ironed white shirt, it will remain crisp throughout the film. (always the case in Revolution)

Stomping around in a grumpy and standoffish fashion only serves to make people fancy you more, rather than make them think 's/he's a grumpy sod. I'm off'.

It's quite possible to have a two minute conversation with your passenger without once looking at the road ahead of you, while driving at speed through heavy traffic.

When exploring dark caves and tunnels, one small torch or candle will give off the same amount of light as several 40W lightbulbs.

You can type 90 words per minute in under 30 seconds.

Heroines never have spots, cellulite or unsightly nasal hairs.

They waft through the film in an orgy of hair flicking, cutesy smiles and a complete size 0 wardrobe.

Even those women in the old Cowboy films (circa John Wayne, Gregory Peck and James Stewart) looked impeccable with hair groomed, full make up (in 1850???? purleese) and the amazing phenomena that is the "triangular bosom" !!!!!

If held prisoner for weeks and months, men will grow long beards. Women's legs and armpits will magically remain hairless.

You will only be murdered if you are wearing underwear that matches. Grey, baggy knickers act as a cloak of invincibility.

When you are the only good guy against a bunch of bad guys, you will be fine as they will never think to attack you simultaneously.

No one farts. (Apart from in comedies)
If a couple embrace and there is a closeup of one of their faces, they have A Big Secret (in eastenders this will be followed by duff duff dufff)

In high school nobody is ever allocated the awkward low level lockers.

When the hero is surrounded by a group of baddies they will only attack him one at a time.

You can make a car jump to great hights, and if it does jump, it always lands perfectly without becoming a write off.