please help me, don't let me do anything

[itisddsbirthdayandiwanttodie]

please help me
I want to die so much
I can't talk to ring up the samaritans because I can only cry
i know this looks like a stupid attention seeking thread but if I move away from the computer i;m scared of what i will do.

sometimes my internet goes down so please don't think I have done anything if I suddenly disappear.
I am starting to be able to breathe now.

It is never stupid to ask for help

Have you called your DH yet? I'm here for a while you can phone me if you like. Keep on talking to someone, anyone and know that everyone here is ready to talk. You need help in real life though too, so call your DH NOW, he sounds lovely.

You could say something like 'there is an emergency at home and I need to speak to DH straightaway please' - you don't have to give them the details.

DH will not mind. You don't need to tell the secretaries what is going on, just tell them there is an emergency and he needs to call you/come home asap.

just ring and say it's urgent if you get secretary or he is in a lecture

I have had counselling in the past, years and years ago.
When I was a student (about 20 years ago!) I once took an overdose of antidepressants (but not enough to cause serious harm). It is the only time I have ever physically done anything. After that I had counselling and I became much better at understanding what was going on and became better at finding strategies to deal with things. Obviously talking about it is the most important one.
I will try and keep my posts short so you know I am still there.

If you speak to one of the secretaries say 'It's x I need him to call me back very urgently it is an emergency' - just read it out what I've jsut written. Cos it is true.

you sound like you have a good awareness of what's going on.
Are these episodes (sorry, can't think of abetter word) like panic attacks do you think?

There are people here waiting to listen if you feel you can talk now. You really need to call Dh. Would you feel okay about counselling again?

Glad you are able to breath, you've jumped the biggest hurdle by speaking to us - it's out in the open now and that always makes it shrink a bit. Don't be tempted to think you're ok though, you need your dh and you need to tell him what happened and let him help you access medical help today.

It sounds like you are coping really well with this.

ok I'll explain the background and what happened today.

I used to be a university lecturer. I am in the last few weeks of what would have been my 3rd maternity leave only I resigned and won't be going back. I had hyperemesis in all 3 pregnancies and work started a disciplinary thing because I hadn't published enough. (Academics on here might recognise me.)
I stupidly posted abotu the trouble I was having, on both Mumsnet and Facebook. My head of department found out and was very angry
(will post this then carry on writing)

Have you called him yet? Please please do.

ok

I don't understand much about academic procedures, but have you talked to some one does about it? Or CAB?

ok

Just want to say I feel for you. That's a dark place to be in. I hope you will find the strength to call your DH soon.

I won't be able to stick around but will be thinking of you.
Take care.

It's hard when someone is angry with you, but they are your EX-head of department and you don't have to work there any more. Are you scared that they will take it further?

ok - so what happened next?

I have childcare today (have just started doing this) because I am supposed to be finishing a book. I went on my work email because I need to go through it and copy all my important info from my work email before my account disappears when my job officially ends. I have been putting off and putting off doing this. On work email I read a copy of a letter he wrote me supposedly last November which I never received. Quote: 'Some colleagues within the School have identified themselves as being the targets of some extremely hurtful and deeply personal comments which you have been making. My concern is that whilst your activity on this site is less explicit, it has nevertheless offended a number of your colleagues and is detrimental to the collaborative and team-based culture I nurture in the School.'
the thing is it isn't true, I wrote on here about the situation but I didn't slag off colleagues because I got on with them and would have nothing to slag them off about.

I can;t believe he hates me so much, has he made everyone else hate me? I know it sounds so trivial but it feels huge. Some time in the next few weeks I have to go there to get all my stuff from my office and I just can.t. I am utterly terrified of seeing him and seeing all these people I used to work with who must hate me.

practically
he has overreacted
someone else can get your stuff if it comes to that

Please get your DH back and discuss it with him IRL
Is it your DD's birthday?

Blimey - horrible, is that the part you think we would think is silly?

Doesn't sound like he nurtures a great team spirit there as it goes.

Have you got hold of DH?

I am afraid I will never work again as my file has all these things in. I feel like such a useless waste of space. I am not a good SAHM at all - I was so horrible to 3yo ds yesterday and dh does most of the housework despite me being at home. I feel so guilty.