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Original poster

please help me, don't let me do anything

153 replies

itisddsbirthdayandiwanttodie · 10/06/2010 12:02

please help me
I want to die so much
I can't talk to ring up the samaritans because I can only cry
i know this looks like a stupid attention seeking thread but if I move away from the computer i;m scared of what i will do.

OP posts:
RumourOfAHurricane · 10/06/2010 12:34

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StealthPolarBear · 10/06/2010 12:35

you can get past this! Everything you mention can be sorted out, just probably not today.
Please get your DH home, and while you're waiting is there something nice you can do for your DD - put decorations up, wrap presents?

RumourOfAHurricane · 10/06/2010 12:35

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Original poster
itisddsbirthdayandiwanttodie · 10/06/2010 12:36

yes dd is 5 today.
the stupid thing is that it was exactly a year ago when it all kicked off and exactly a year ago I was sitting on a train heavily pregnant and making myself write a list of reasons why I mustn't kill myself because it would be such an awful thing to do to dd on her birthday. I really wanted to just get off the train and go somewhere by myself and die but I did stop myself. (Obviously!)

OP posts:
heading4home · 10/06/2010 12:39

Did you get any help with these feelings last year? I know that for myself, I assume that it is normal to feel suicidal, but I have learned that for other people it is NOT normal and if you go to the doctor they will take it very seriously indeed.

Original poster
itisddsbirthdayandiwanttodie · 10/06/2010 12:39

Shineon thank you for saying you remember me as strong and capable. I don't think I am but oddly that does make me feel a tiny bit better!

OP posts:
Madascheese · 10/06/2010 12:39

You don't need to see anyone there ever again. You have nothnig to be ashamed of - if anything it's your head of department who should be hanging his head.

I think later you might want to get some advice from ACAS or some union (sorry I don't know about which one would be right) because this sounds like you've been in a shitty place because of work for over a year, which is utterly unacceptable from them as an employer

ShinyAndNew · 10/06/2010 12:39

Don't feel guilty. Your DH clearly wants to help you. He loves you.

RumourOfAHurricane · 10/06/2010 12:43

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Madascheese · 10/06/2010 12:43

I don't know if this is a good question to be asking you - but what have you got for DD's birthday present - does she have presents at breakfast or teatime? Always breakfast time in our family.

ballstoit · 10/06/2010 12:45

you are so brave, asking for help here, it's a first step. Things will get better for you.

Sounds like you dented the bosses ego...if there was such great team spirit where was the support for you?

RumourOfAHurricane · 10/06/2010 12:45

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Madascheese · 10/06/2010 12:45

And by the way, I have a part time job and I only have one Littlemad who is 4 and I feel like I'm doing a half arsed job of the whole thing, so maybe you need to be a bit kinder to yourself there.

Original poster
itisddsbirthdayandiwanttodie · 10/06/2010 12:46

heading4home - no, I didn't.
the thing is it's not like an ongoing depression situation, it's something that arises intermittently and then in a few days I am fine.
but while it is happening it is so hard to keep going. What medical help is there for this?

OP posts:
Madascheese · 10/06/2010 12:46

Shineon - great birthday tradition there which I may shamelessly steal - it's my birthday next so I'll try it out then

toddlingalong · 10/06/2010 12:47

I'm an academic and a mum and I just wanted to let you know that it really isn't easy for any of us. It's such a difficult career choice as a mum and you should be proud of what you have already achieved. I don't know which university you are at but they all need to take into account both your maternity leaves and parenthood into account when setting targets. Are you a member of UCU, as they can help. I don't believe anyone would think you are a terrible sahm, everyone has moments they regret with their children it's all about being human and they'll learn a valuable lesson with it that people are not perfect and that is normal, for them and for you. Do call DH, no lecture is worth giving whilst your other half is feeling so bad, it's just not that important.

ballstoit · 10/06/2010 12:48

Oh, and my 3 year old tipped 4 pints of milk all over the kitchen earlier while I was having a crafty fag . I have 3 under 5, and I know I would find any extra responsibility very hard to manage.How old is yougest DC?

ShinyAndNew · 10/06/2010 12:48

Oh I have just noticed you have a three yo. My sympathies. I also own a three year old. I attempted a trip to the shopping centre with her and no buggy yesterday. NEVER AGAIN.

I ended up buying a buggy while we were there

My sister was there. Even with two of us we could not control her. We manhandled her into Argos, where she sat in the doorway screaming until we got the buggy.

winnybella · 10/06/2010 12:49

Sounds like a panic attack to me as well.

You sound very together, though, in a sense that you seem to have a good grip on the situation.

We all have good and bad days with LOs. I have to confess that even though I'm at home at the mo, DP still has to put the wash on in the mornings and often hang it up in the evenings as I always forget. Same for many other household tasks ie bins etc. I'm studying so that's my excuse.

Work...you'll find another job, don't worry. They seem to have massively overreacted.

willsurvivethis · 10/06/2010 12:49

Don't dismiss the idea of help just because it only happens intermittently. First of all it is bad enough when it does happen (bit like migraine and everyone gets that treated) - plus it sounds a bit like the pressure cooker syndrome that I suffer from. What tends to make me suicidal for a night or an evening is lots of huge feelings turned inwards and not being expressed.

Madascheese · 10/06/2010 12:50

FWIW counselling is likely to be a good start for you.

It does sound like something that has been thrown up beacuse of the job in this case, but you must be really self aware to have recognised it and asked for help here.

I found counselling so helpful in giving myself 'permission' to take time out to sort out my head.

Is DH on his way?

acebaby · 10/06/2010 12:50

I am an academic and my heart goes out to you. I have come across people like your head of department many times, and have been victims of this type person before in academia. Here is how I see your situation:

your head of school is a bully. You aren't his first victim and sadly you won't be his last. I'm sure you colleagues know this

There is no 'file' on you that is passed around when you apply for a job. I have recruited many post-docs/lecturers and have never been sent a personnel file - just references. There is no reason for your head of department to be your referee.

You will get another job when you want one. Or you can go freelance for a few years while the children are young and take the chance to get some writing done without the teaching responsibilities

your children love you and need you.

Snapping at a 3 year old does not make you a bad SAHM.

Being grumpy does not make you a bad mother. Everyone gets grumpy - including your DCs!

Original poster
itisddsbirthdayandiwanttodie · 10/06/2010 12:52

I am/was a union member - just for the next couple of weeks I guess!
The line I always got was 'we have taken your maternity leaves and sickness into account but you haven't done enough in the time when you were not sick/on mat leave'

I am trying to call dh but finding it really hard to make myself do it as I just know I'll collapse into sobs the moment it is answered.

OP posts:
heading4home · 10/06/2010 12:54

I agree with willsurvivethis about the pressure cooker. When I was a SAHM without much adult company, all my stress got turned inwards and like you I ticked along fine most of the time but every so often something would tip me over the edge.

I ended up finding a psychiatrist who specialised in anxiety disorders and he taught me how to deal with my own feelings a lot more productively.

ballstoit · 10/06/2010 12:56

Call him when you're ready...is there anyone else at the end of the phone for you. I would hate to think that a friend of mine coulld be feeling low and wouldnt call me x

When did you last eat or drink? Silly question but I know when I've been depressed I forget to, and feel even worse as a result.