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Original poster

desperately depressed

999 replies

lelarose · 02/06/2010 21:34

21 weeks pregnant with first child, horribly depressed, chronic insomnia and full of fear. Partner away a lot, whenever we do spend time together I don't sleep and cry all the time and it all puts tremendous strain on our relationship (have considered splitting up even though I adore him). Can't enjoy pregnancy or even look forward to birth now. Even stupid things like choosing names now stress me out I'm so far gone.

Wanted to have a baby my whole life, feel now as if I must have made a huge mistake as will be a terrible mother as I'm too tired and unhappy to cope. Will have no support from family etc and be left alone a lot after baby is born. Been referred to psychiatrist, I keep the appointments but she doesn't help at all.

Dont know why I post on here as don't get many replies, I guess its just a relief to admit to strangers how I feel as only people Ive admitted this to in real life have no idea what to say or do so tend to just stay away.

Never felt so low in all my life. I try to bond with my unborn child but don't even know how to. All I do is feel guilty as I can't believe me being like this isn't affecting them already.

OP posts:
willsurvivethis · 05/08/2010 21:49

Hey Lela well done calling dp

Keep going minute by minute

You are not alone
I'm here
And I know what it is like when death is more attractive than life...

Talk if you want - I'll keep checking until I go to sleep x

Original poster
lelarose · 05/08/2010 21:57

Thank you

I'm so unwell now I'm scared. .

OP posts:
willsurvivethis · 05/08/2010 21:59

If you feel you cannot keep your own life it is possible to call 999

They will take care of you in A&E

Tell the operator that you are heavily pregnant and scared that you will kill yourself and your baby

Original poster
lelarose · 05/08/2010 22:01

No I'm not going to do anything, I wouldn't harm the baby, it would kill my partner.

I just don't know if I can get better.

OP posts:
thatsnotmymonkey · 05/08/2010 22:04

Lela, you will get better and in fact you are. By calling your DP you have made a big step. I hope you feel better tomorrow.

If you feel unsafe, or low. Call the samaritans, just to have someone on the end of the phone.

I am thinking of you.

willsurvivethis · 05/08/2010 22:05

There is no reason why you cannot get better.

what are you most afraid of right now?

Original poster
lelarose · 05/08/2010 22:08

I am most afraid of continuing to feel like this up until the birth, then never being able to accept my baby is male. The bad feelings about this just never stop.

OP posts:
willsurvivethis · 05/08/2010 22:12

Remember that you do not know how you will react when you say your baby - it may be love at first sight for all you know.

Try as best you can to deal with today's fear of not wanting a boy.

Not both at the same time.

thatsnotmymonkey · 05/08/2010 22:12

YOu will get there, and like others have said, it is just minute by minute for now.

This too shall come to pass. I think you should adopt this as your inner voice. When it all gets too much, just whisper it to yourself.

You are going to be ok, and you will begin to feel better. You will be a good mum and you deserve to be happy.

You deserve to be happy.

Original poster
lelarose · 05/08/2010 22:25

I can't begin to describe how much i wanted a baby. I thought it would be an unbearable regret if I never had my own child and I was careless about preventing it because I thought I was probably infertile and would need help to conceive.

I now feel totally responsible for this whole mess and the burden is just too much. When I was about 13 I used to put a pillow up my jumper and imagine what it would be like to actually be pregnant with my very own baby (I have never told anyone this before) and have fantasised about it my whole adult life. Imagining having my own family was an escape from my horrible childhood and my only dream for the future. I used to do stuff like name my babies in my imagination and act out all these scenarios with my imaginary family in my head.

Was so scared it would never happen, that before I met dp was having therapy for this. It would have been INCONCEIVABLE that it would end up like this, with me now feeling like I don't even want my real live baby.

what has happened to me?

OP posts:
willsurvivethis · 05/08/2010 22:40

The way I see it it is a bad combination of circumstances. Your earlier desire to have a baby rooted deep in your childhood and now this ante natal depression. It seems very difficult for you to allow yourself to feel the way you do. You blame yourself for being depressed. You can't. It's an illness. Would you blame me for having PTSD? Thought not!!

willsurvivethis · 05/08/2010 23:18

Lela I'm off to bed - will check in soon. keep going x

Habbibu · 06/08/2010 13:20

Lela - you are not well. Try to remember that. Well done for telling dp. I would tell him that you know it's a boy - I wouldn't be surprised if he's guessed anyway, and your mental health is MUCH more important than him finding out something a bit sooner than planned.

Ditto that what got me through labour was shed loads of gas and air (great stuff) and getting to the end of each contraction. Go for an epidural if you feel that would help. Should say, though, that despite having no pain relief at all for dd (long story) and her being 10lb 11, I never felt like my body was being damaged at all - never had this sense of being torn; just felt like it was something my body knew how to do. And it ends - it does not go on forever.

If you need to get admitted, get admitted. Takes guts to realise you need help, and what kind it is you need.

poppymouse · 06/08/2010 16:19

Tell him Lela, he will still love you and your baby.

Thinking of you, hope he gets home soon and takes good care of you, can't stay logged on, call Samaritans if you need someone, please.

thatsnotmymonkey · 06/08/2010 20:39

lela, my parents are here, so cant be with you this weekend. I hope you are OK xx

Dalrymps · 07/08/2010 13:16

Just popping in to see how you're doing today... I've been reading but not commenting that often as the other ladies are all giving such good advice.

Have you managed to talk some more with your dh about how you're feeling? I know you don't want to burden him but I'm sure he's string enough to take it. You could do without the strain of keeping it all to yourself, I think it'll be better for you in the long run.

fluffyguineapigs · 07/08/2010 13:57

Lela, how are you today? Please keep talking to everyone how you feel and don't bottle it up.

It's really hard to go on sometimes and I speak as someone who has felt suicidal post natally, but I'll just echo what so many other experienced posters have said in that please keep going, small steps, day by day. I know you find this impossible to believe but you will feel better. It may not be tomorrow, or next week, but it will happen. A storm however awful will end and the sun will appear again.

I hope that things are ok with your dp and that you are able to update soon.

Habbibu · 07/08/2010 19:29

Lela - are you ok? Please keep talking to us. Thinking of you.

zam72 · 07/08/2010 21:57

Hoping you're OK Lela....big hugs

Habbibu · 08/08/2010 10:25

Lela - come and talk to us, please. Starting to worry about you.

Dalrymps · 08/08/2010 10:38

Lela, when you get a minute post and let us know you're ok. We all genuinely care about you x

Habbibu · 08/08/2010 19:39

Hey, Lela. Just checking in again.

willsurvivethis · 08/08/2010 19:59

Hi Lela - another request for a life sign here - hope you are simply not posting because dp is with you x

thatsnotmymonkey · 09/08/2010 12:20

Hey lela, I have a rare few minutes to myself as my parents are here and have taken my DS to the fun farm. I hope you are OK. Please post.

Habbibu · 09/08/2010 20:40

Hey lela. Hope you're being well looked after. Will keep checking in. Please post if you get a chance.