desperately depressed

[lelarose]

21 weeks pregnant with first child, horribly depressed, chronic insomnia and full of fear. Partner away a lot, whenever we do spend time together I don't sleep and cry all the time and it all puts tremendous strain on our relationship (have considered splitting up even though I adore him). Can't enjoy pregnancy or even look forward to birth now. Even stupid things like choosing names now stress me out I'm so far gone.

Wanted to have a baby my whole life, feel now as if I must have made a huge mistake as will be a terrible mother as I'm too tired and unhappy to cope. Will have no support from family etc and be left alone a lot after baby is born. Been referred to psychiatrist, I keep the appointments but she doesn't help at all.

Dont know why I post on here as don't get many replies, I guess its just a relief to admit to strangers how I feel as only people Ive admitted this to in real life have no idea what to say or do so tend to just stay away.

Never felt so low in all my life. I try to bond with my unborn child but don't even know how to. All I do is feel guilty as I can't believe me being like this isn't affecting them already.

Thanks. Am actually seeing my sister for first time in weeks tonight and am nervous which would have been inconceivable before this, we were so close. She has been away on holiday and never bothered to tell me she had got back last week.

Sorry to sound so needy and pathetic, before pregnancy I was not like this.

hey Lela,
I am sad that you feell so isolated and I also didnt realise that things were so strained with your sister. Is there anyway that you can try and talk to her?

It is shit when ones DP is away, my DH is away 1/2 nights a week, and that is his job and just the way it is for us, unless we move, which we don't want to do.

You may find taht when you have your baby you will meet other mums and makes some new mates. I know that doesn't help you now, but something positive to think about for the future.

I think sometimes in RL people just don't know what to say face to face, they are embaressed or shy or don't want to offend or upset. I know you need people to reach out to you right now, I am just saying that maybe your friend would like to be there for you but just doesn't know how.
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We are here. If that helps at all

Just try to keep lines of communication open with your sister; you can recover this. back soon

It does help, thanks. I say I want people in RL to reach out to me but also cant see that much benefit long term in them knowing how I feel about the baby- its such a massive taboo.

I have to accept him being away all the time as this is what it will be like for the foreseeable future, soon it will be me and a screaming baby coping on our own so I guess I shouldn't be complaining now.

Hi Lela,

Sorry to hear today is not going so well, hope it goes well with your sister.

I think it can be incredibly hard to handle it when someone you love is depressed. I have had a couple of friends who have suffered from depression and however much I wanted to give them some relief from the pain they were in, it was so hard to reach out to them or to know what to say. This was over 10 years ago, I hope I'd find it easier now.

I wonder if there are things that you could do or share with your sister that you have enjoyed before so she could feel she is supporting you without feeling under pressure to actively support you? Does that make any sense?

I really hope you are still close enough to have a big hug without needing to say a lot.

Lots of love Lela,

S

Hope you're with your sister atm, and that things are going ok. You have been making progress with opening up in RL, and you could simply say that you have antenatal depression, to start off with, if you don't want to get into the detail.

And it's not long until the baby's born. You won't have to keep your knowledge a secret for long, you don't know how you'll feel, and you are working on this - you have the psych, the counsellor and you can start having psychotherapy for the issues in your past. Will the psych set up your referral?

I'm sorry I haven't had time to read the whole thread so my info may be repetative...#

I had antenatal depression with DS2(actually think it might have been post natal left over from DS1 but never realised) I straggled with the decision to take anti-depressants. I didn't even take a paracetamol during my 1st pregnancy. I did a lot of reading. At 27 wks I decided to go for it as I read about the stress that depression can put on unborn babies. I asked my GP for Sertraline as it is one of the better ones for pregancy and breastfeeding. It has worked wonders. I still have bad episodes but on the whole I am well. My DS2 is now 2.6 and I breastfed him till 19mths (though he will still sneak a little now!) I still take the Sertraline. He is a wonderful, kind hearted, good humoured little boy (and very laid back!!)

It was ok with my sister, she has her own problems and I'm not completely selfish so I can get past her total lack of support, but the whole thing has just made me realise how little I have anywhere else.

I am kind of descending into self pity i'm afraid. Woke up at 4.30, as usual lay in limbo for hours between too physically exhausted to move and too mentally overwraught to sleep. Finally nodded off into desperately needed sleep and dp starts calling me repeatedly waking me up. Didn't answer as am full of resentment as he is not away for work reasons and was meant to be back today. I have tried very hard not to be a burden to him through all of this for the sake of our relationship and because I didn't want him to feel as negative as me about the whole pregnancy. Thats also why i agreed not to find out the baby's sex (I wanted to know all along)and have kept the knowledge to myself at huge cost to my metak state so as not to spoil things for him. However, being heavily pregnant, totally exhausted, depressed and full of hideous guilt and dread is now becoming increasingly hard to get through when left alone all the time.

I need to get to a manageable state of health in order to give birth to and care for this child and I do actually need some support to do this. Unfortnately where I come from this apparently makes me selfish and unreasonable. There was day during this when a stranger found me staggering down the middle of the motorway when I took a panic attack in my car stuck in traffic. There was a night when I walked into a mother and baby unit because I was so terrified by my suicidal thoughts. I have also physically collapsed during my pregnancy due to stress and exhaustion. I kept all this to myself because I knew it would scare him. I did contact my sister and beg for help on one of these occaisions but she ignored my messages and never got back to me asked about it afterwards.

It's my responsibility to sort myself out, always has been and I have always realised this but I just can't do this anymore because the pregnancy is draining me so much. Sorry for the whinging its just all got too much and I need to get this off my chest before I compleltely lose the plot. You are the only ppl who actually listen to this, so I'm sorry for being so self indulgent.

Hi Lela got to be quick, I'm afraid. hang on in there - you can and will do this. Do just want to say: try to keep lines of communication open with DP and your sister - underneath all you pain and loneliness, you know they are good people who love you. They're not perfect, and maybe you can't get what you need from them right now, but just keep talking, keep listening and hold on. Vent your worst feelings, your stresses and strains, your furies and your tears here - that's our job to be a sounding board for all that. And remember you've come so far. When the baby is born things will get easier.

Oh Lela, you are not being self indulgent, so sorry your sister wasn't there for you when you needed her, please see this baby as the turning point in your life, you are starting to ask for the support you need and deserve and you are getting it from some quarters.

Maybe that is just not going to work with your sister, maybe she has some growing still to do that you have done since the start you both had in life.

Your DH has stuck with you when you opened up to him, are you sure you give people who know you enough of an opening to help you? I'm not suggesting you deliberately keep people at bay, but I was told by a counsellor years ago that I kept people at arms length and I thought she was talking utter crap, it was only later when I did start to be more open with and trusting with people that I realised she was right. I'm thinking that you have told very few people in RL what is really going on for you.

I know you have your reasons but if you feel noone is supporting you in RL it might be worth thinking about how open you are to their support...

Since I have become more trusting I have found people much more trustworthy! I am not saying there aren't toxic people around, but not everyone is toxic.

Most people find that having a baby cements them into their local community as well. I didn't use to know any of my neighbours but I had a minor disaster the other day and I needed someone to look after little man for about an hour. Straight away I could think of several neighbours who would help me out of a jam and be happy to look after a little whirlwind for a bit, it was just a matter of thinking who I didn't mind knowing that I had got myself in such a muddle. Baby might bring you closer to new people. I know I could knock on their doors if I just needed a shoulder to cry on, not that I would necessarily feel comfortable doing that, but they would want to help me if I needed help.

Hope that makes sense.

Just re-read your post - you seem to make your needs quite a low priority - maybe people pick up on that?

Lots of love again, crap all on telly, off to watch last night's, recorded for DH, even though I was pissed off with him, as he was at work.

Hi Lela,

Poppy-speaks sense, so i hope you can see some wisdom in her post.

I am sorry that your sister is not being what you need her to be at the moment. I hope that will change soon. Can you talk to her on the phone?

What happened when you went into the mother and baby unit? Have you been talked about being admitted to one when you reach the number of weeks when you go there?

You are not alone.

Sorry you had a crap night's/morning's sleep. Grrr....always the way when you finally get to sleep something happens to disturb it all. hope you get a better night tonight.

Something that I've wondered about is the arm's length support - same as Poppymouse really. It must be absolutely emotionally draining to keep up the outwardly OK-ish and not let people in on how you really feel. Even when you were writing down your feelings in a diary which was only for your eyes, you mentioned you were trying to find the positive about having a boy. I guess when I was writing a diary to release the tension it was my thoughts unbarred, completely uncensored, even if it was really ugly - not necessarily what I thought I should/was expected to be feeling. I know you open up to us a little, but I don't know, I just wish you felt able to open up to those closest to you. I know your sis has her issues and maybe just isn't as supportive as she could be right now - which must be monumentally hard seeing as she's the one person who can probably see from childhood the early story to now picture.

I know you want to shield your DP. But...and I hope I'm not being really unhelpful - but maybe there comes a time when the shielding isn't working or isn't feasible for you, or him. I had a C-section so it was probably not quite as intense (or intense in a different way?) than a natural birth - but part of me wonders how feasible it'll be to get all the way through labour/birth and not let on how you feel? Its a pretty emotionally charged time anyway...let alone with a huge white elephant in the room. I can't imagine that the surprise of not knowing what you're both having is worth to him knowing how much trauma you're in. And I know you worry about how he'd take it/feel about you knowing about the boy vs girl thing. But he loves you....all he wants is you and this baby as a family unit together.

It's crap he has to be away as much - but he might understand it and you a little better if you let him know how you're feeling. I guess there must be an element of you now wanting him to know the true extent of everything - but maybe let him in to the reason or part of the reason - that you know the sex and feel really sad its not a girl. I don't know...maybe this is really unhelpful cos I know you've said you just can't do this....

And he's right about the mummy's boy thing. My two little men are complete mummy's boys, especially as babies/young toddlers. I feel quite sorry for my DH as my youngest (nearly 2) bats him away and says 'No mummy' for the upteenth time. Don't suppose you remember a TV programme - rather rubbish - in the early 90s called 'Dinosaurs' - where the baby used to call its mummy 'mamma' and his daddy was always just called 'not the mamma' whilst being hit over the head with something.

Anyway...did you speak to your work about changing your hours? I guess you must be thinking about starting maternity leave proper soon?

My sister does not have children and would love to, don't want to go into details but understandably she is hardly sympathetic to me getting the "wrong" gender, she just says she would love a little boy. I have opened up to her, she has seen me at my lowest, hysterical and blackly depressed, and I have literally begged her for help. I also told dp yesterday that I need him to be around more unless he's at work and he said that he wasn't driving up and down the country to suit me. I told my only friend who has kids that I thought I was having a breakdown and i haven't heard from her in weeks/months, even thought she is on holiday from work and has had severe PND herself.

So, sorry to sound defeatist but these are the results of me opening up and asking for help.

I've told him I don't want a boy but there is no point in telling him how devastated I feel about it, he has wanted a son from the start, and there is only so many times he can tell me it will be ok. So not only does he not have any of my fears about labour etc he is also getting exactly what he wanted at the end of it. Whereas in my eyes I am counting down to the day my body gets ripped apart so that I can start my new life completely dedicated to a child I just cannot relate to. My partner will still be away half the time and I will be here alone with a baby- he has no real idea how much they change your life, and lets face it when you're only there half the time and someone else takes ultimate responsibility its not quite the same is it.

It has been made crystal clear no one will help me with the baby. why should they? I always wanted this, just never realised I only wanted it with a daughter. You won't believe this, but none of this stuff really scares me if I imagine going through it to have a girl. I saw a woman in the shops yesterday calling her daughter by one of the names i would have chosen and it felt like a knife in my heart. Realise this is not rational or normal. My poor little boy.

OK - we really are getting down into the depths of it all now, and I do think this is a good thing, to get it all out into the open.

Your little boy is an unknown quantity to you, just now - try as hard as you can to be open to him as himself. He's not a random boy, he's part of you, and you will be his world and his joy. It's hard to resist that kind of love! Like I said before, try to focus on him as an individual, as a person. Think of gentle men you know, and harsh women - people aren't split down gender lines in character, as a rule, but are such complex individuals - gender is a relatively small part of what makes us who were are. You've proved yourself a fighter, Lela, so keep that strength and work through this.

When you have a baby you find yourself open to a new community that you didn't really know about at all. Plan to get out to baby groups, etc - you don't need to say much (just tell other people their babies are gorgeous, that's always a good ice-breaker) and see your boy as a little companion on this new life you're starting as a mother. It's not the one you planned, I know. Mine wasn't what I'd envisaged either, and that little prickle of pain sometimes does hurt, but find a place for the sadness and the feeling of loss, and let your boy show you just how wonderful and beautiful he is.

Oh, another name for you, from a lovely song I'm listening to right now (ds likes this album to go to sleep to) - Annachie.

The Unthanks

When are you seeing your counsellor next, btw?

fwiw, when ds was born, and they said "it's a boy" I did feel a little wave of disappointment - I had worried about this through the pregnancy, and felt bad, as I'd lost a baby - I knew just how precious and fragile pregnancy and birth could be, yet it's how I felt. So I ddid what I've said to you - I looked at him, really looked. And I remember these tiny wrinkly hands, these perfect closed eyes, beautiful mouth. Didn't look at his genitals - dh put his nappy on! - and just hugged and held him, and told him I had No Idea what to do with a boy. This feeling lasted for a while as I got to know him, but he just overwhelmed and delighted me, and now I cannot imagine ever having wanted anything other than him.

What I'm saying is try as hard as you can to be open to your baby - he is unique, not like any other boy in the whole world.

Hi Lela,

I don't think I've posted here before but I have followed your story and although I know it sounds a bit naff I think you've been doing amazingly well all things considered.

I remembered today an article I read in the New Scientist a few weeks ago about how a mother's stress doesn't seem to affect male babies and thought it might be useful to read (if you're so inclined, I won't mind if not!). Apologies if it's already been posted, I just thought it might ease your mind that while your worries are terribly distressing for you, at least there's some comfort in thinking it won't affect your baby.

www.newscientist.com/article/dn19195-male-fetuses-ignore-their-stressedout-mothers.h tml

Here's the link - really interesting, hamster!

Thanks that was very kind of you to post that link. I am still scared of the effects of the drugs I'm on but am seeing a homeopath today to see if there is anything they can do to counteract this (no idea but told it may be possible). I see the counsellor on Friday.

I am crushingly depressed today. All i want to do is get into bed and never get up again.

Just looked at a thread about how people mentally get through labour and its all about how they are looking forward to seeing their babies at last etc. I genuinely feel like I want to die.

Lela believe me - I've been in labour for three days and what got me through is the end of each contraction and nothing else. Don't get fooled by romantic ideas.

We women forget about how painful labour is once the babies are here because that's nature's way of ensuring we want more...

Have you considered discussing the option of a c-section? It's not ideal, it's major surgery but needs must and if it helps you cope then so be it. There is as far as I am concerned no glory in a 'natural' labour and if a section gives you a better start I think if I was your consultant I would consider it if you asked.

Hi again Lela,

I'm really shocked that people around you haven't been there for you when they can see how things have been for you. I truly believe there is an opportunity when you have your baby to forge new bonds with people who are there for you. You will meet mums if you go out with baby, so many people will strike up conversation with you wherever you go with a little baby and some of those people may well turn into lifelong friends - some mums you meet may be best avoided, drop them fast, you don't need people like that, but I'm so sure you will find people who want to be there for you, I have. And some of them I wouldn't be in contact with now if I hadn't been the one to make the call, the text or the e-mail and suggest a meet up.

Lots of Love

S

Thanks. I saw the homeopath and it was really painful as she basically wanted to know all about my family and I wasn't in the mood for telling her.

I couldn't admit about the gender thing. she asked whats the worst thing that's ever happened to me and I just said having depression in pregnancy. The truth is the worst thing thats ever happened to me is opening an envelope that said the word boy.
And I have been abused, abandoned, bereaved and seriously ill with depression before. I've not had a straightforward life my upbringing was hellish but this is so so so much worse than anything I've ever been through. I feel really morbid right now I feel so black and my head throbs, my body aches I feel so alone I cant describe it.

I met a girl i know today who is having a baby 3 months after me. She was unsure whether to find out the gender, I said go for it. You know why? Because if she's having a girl I don't want to become any more friendly with her, the jealousy will eat me up. I disgust myself i would do anything to stop feeling like this including having ECT if I thought it would work.

I dont know what to do anymore.

Have just sat here basically contemplating suicide for an hour or so. I know deep down that if it wasn't for taking the baby's life I would not be able to survive feeling this bad and I would probably have to do something, anything just to make this stop.

Enough. I have made myself call dp and tell him I simply can't cope alone anymore. I have severe depression and I can't pretend to be ok for him or anyone else I just need help.

He was lovely, he says I was right to tell him but he doesn't know what to do. He will be home tomorrow evening.

I am now even thinking of telling him its a boy and how I feel about this because its all just too much. I feel burdened and alone and can't take anymore.

If I'm not better by the time he goes away to work again I think I am going to ask him to get me admitted to hospital. I am not in a fit state to give birth to or look after a child right now.

I'm getting through tonight a minute at a time.