desperately depressed

[lelarose]

21 weeks pregnant with first child, horribly depressed, chronic insomnia and full of fear. Partner away a lot, whenever we do spend time together I don't sleep and cry all the time and it all puts tremendous strain on our relationship (have considered splitting up even though I adore him). Can't enjoy pregnancy or even look forward to birth now. Even stupid things like choosing names now stress me out I'm so far gone.

Wanted to have a baby my whole life, feel now as if I must have made a huge mistake as will be a terrible mother as I'm too tired and unhappy to cope. Will have no support from family etc and be left alone a lot after baby is born. Been referred to psychiatrist, I keep the appointments but she doesn't help at all.

Dont know why I post on here as don't get many replies, I guess its just a relief to admit to strangers how I feel as only people Ive admitted this to in real life have no idea what to say or do so tend to just stay away.

Never felt so low in all my life. I try to bond with my unborn child but don't even know how to. All I do is feel guilty as I can't believe me being like this isn't affecting them already.

Lelarose I need to look after myself right now and I wouldn't post if it cost me too much - just wanted to share my experience in the hope it would help you a tiny bit.

Ok so this is now it for me I really have to deal with this all by myself now.

The nurse turned up 40 minutes late. I told her exactly how I was feeling. She responded by getting a bit nervous and calling another psychiatrist and arranged for me to see them on Friday and get anti depressants. I said I felt as if I was on a merrygoround with being told talk to someone about how I feel,trying this, then that person saying see the psychiatrists about taking drugs, then the psychiatrists saying you really need to talk to someone about this.

She said well I have another appointment to get to. If things get worse go to A&E. Told her I did on exactly that on monday night and after waiting several hours was told to go home and then talk to her about my feelings hahahahaha.

You have all been so very kind, but I appreciate all you can say is tell a mental health professional how you feel. What on earth else can anyone say?

Well I have done that. Repeatedly. I've seen a psychiatrist, a doctor, two CPNs and a mental health nurse in the last week. And told them all how I felt.

Losing much needed money and possibly a very valuable job by not going to work. But I cant bear to see anyone only to be asked for the millionth time whether I'm having a boy or a girl. So I basically feel housebound.

And all this because of one little decision I made. My thoughts about this wont leave me be. I will take the drugs I will go along with whatever and I will stay alive for the sake of this poor, poor little person inside me. But I cant keep hoping that if I call this person or that person I will get "help". This is down to me and me only. I just dont know where to find the strength right now.

That mental health nurse sounds useless and I am so angry for you!

However she made a call, and has referred you on, so take heart in that. It sounds very much like she is out of her depth with this, and has decided to move you up the chain. This is a good thing.

I know you must feel like that you are doing everything and nothing is getting better. It takes time, I feel like you are not giving yourself enough time.

You need some breathing space.

You know the decision you made to fine out the sex, the thoughts that are torturing you, well they will go away, it will take time thats all.

You are not alone in this.

Well, she sounds rubbish. You don't need to do this on your own, but you do need better healthcare professionals. Can you call the PALS team at your local trust and explain how you're being bounced around? Also, is there another GP at your practice? I know you feel as though you've seen everyone, but you've had bad luck with HCPS - they are not all like this.

PALS information

Dear Lelarose

I want to send you a great big hug and to tell you well done for dealing with your feelings and for reaching out for help.

Pregnancy is a very difficult time for many of us, I was quite depressed with mine and my sister spent months crying when she found out she was having a boy. Don't beat yourself up for this, and most importantly please try to stop worrying about others - this is about you, I'm sure your husband would cope with you knowing your baby's sex and you had every right to find out.

I too wanted a girl at first but let me assure you that as the mum of a 2 year old boy I can't even remember why I wanted anything but him in the first place. He will be your little man and he will love you like nobody ever has. Do try to get some practical help for the first few weeks, as the lack of sleep tends to exhaust mentally as well as physically, but allow yourself to find things to enjoy. Maybe your friends could cook food for you and stick it in the freezer, or you could get a cleaner once a week to help with the upkeep.

Like others have mentioned, sometimes going back to work (when the time is right) can be helpful as you're not constantly recycling your own thoughts.

When I was really low, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy helped as it have me ways to get out of the anxiety and depression I was feeling, taking active little steps rather than digging for reasons from the past.

I'm sending you a lot of love and a smile, I do hope this will be a better day for you

xx

Thanks I appreciate what you are doing more than you will probably ever know but i cant go on like this just trying to talk to the "right person" in the hope that it will help. The problem is that right now no one can really change how I feel.

I opened an envelope with one word inside it last week and it has just changed absolutely everything. It has tipped me over an abyss and I need some kind of wee miracle to get me out.

I'm praying even tho I'm not remotely religious.

I want to eat for the babys sake but just cant. I will eventually I know its just depression had never hit me quite like this before.

I loathe the victim mentality but I do have these thoughts that this is my bad karma for pushing my partner into having a baby before we were really ready in our relationship (I was terrified I was becoming infertile), and for various other shit, selfish things I have done. That is fair enough, make me feel bad just dont affect an innocent baby.

I will keep these appointments and take medication but I've really run out of hope.

Being alone in the house all the time like this just makes me think about my future with this baby all alone all day for weeks at a time whilst my partner will be away andI have no support. I dont look forward to anything about being a mother now its just horrible. I am at the point today where I feel like I'm going to have to have the baby adopted. I dont even know who this is talking anymore it would be inconceivable to my pre pregnant (or even pre last week) self that I could have feelings even remotely like this.

Sorry, boring myself now.

sorry nellykats I just cross posted with you- was your sister really that upset about having a boy? I wish I knew anyone who had really felt this bad about it.

Lelarose I just want to give you a huge too. You are being so, so, so hard on yourself and piling so much guilt onto yourself it is heart-breaking to read your posts. Not many people are prepared to admit that they might feel grief on whatever level about the sex of their baby so well done for facing up to your feelings and admitting it, I think that takes a huge amount of courage, but I am sure a lot of people do feel it. I have three boys and the last one I really wanted to be a girl but he wasn't. He was another boy. I have had some level of PND since having him and perhaps this is partly due to my disappointment, on whatever level (I'm not sure I consciously felt disappointed, perhaps a bit - probably supressed due to expectations of others and lack of courage on my part). But he's adorable, he's gorgeous, he's lovely, and I love him so much it hurts, we call him 'Mr Toes' because he has the most beautiful wriggly toes and he loves to suck them when he's in his pushchair or on the changing mat! Despite what you found by googling I am sure you will love your baby boy, even if it takes time to develop that bond, I am sure of it. The mother-son relationship is very special, and in some ways more loving than mother-daughter as there is less conflict I think. I do feel sad when I see my friends with their little girls but I can't change it, I can't do anything about it (except perhaps keep having more babies but too late for that now). All babies are different anyway and boys can be so loving and caring.

I don't know if this helps you.

Ok - just take one day at a time for now. Eat small amounts often; don't push yourself into eating a meal. Small goals, such as washing your hair, going for a walk - wear sunglasses to avoid eye contact if you want, and walk briskly and with purpose - less chance of people stopping you to talk about the baby.

Keep appointments and try your hardest to be as honest as you have been with us. At the end of each appointment ask what the plan is next; what will THAT person do for you next, rather than the person they're going to bounce you to.

And look around to see what groups there are for new parents in your area. There may be breastfeeding groups, or new parents groups, or baby massage. you will, no doubt, Hate the idea of these at the moment, but all you have to do right now is find out when and where they are so that you know there is an escape route if you do feel stuck in the house.

Can your sister attend one of your appointments with you? She will want to help, and may be able to articulate better some of what you've been saying to her and us.

Dear Lelarose

Yes, she was absolutely crushed... but now she too is in love with him! Things do change after you have some time with your baby, it's true that it's not love at first sight for everybody, but it's a relationship that builds over time and before you know it he will smile at you and you will melt!

Most of the women that I know were very anxious whilst pregnant, it's not something that we expect and it's a big shock. Your body and your hormones are a bit of a battlefield at the moment, so please remember, these are feelings, it's not YOU. They are true feelings but they don't define you, so please don't feel guilty on top of everything...

What your neighbour said was rubbish by the way, very few mums experience rosy pregnancies and thankfully our babies are sturdy little things that have a rather nice time in the womb all warm and protected!

It helped me to give my son a name whilst he was in me, and then I could have little conversations with him and he was a bit more real and a bit more "my son" which helped me bond with him a bit.

love, N xx

Sorry you seem to be getting the run around with the healthcare professionals. Hopefuly the referral will be better. I was wondering about CBT too (I'm having that for anxiety at the mo) - any chance that the GP would refer you - or the nurse? You can also go privately to someone in your area - when I looked it seemed to be around between 35 and 70 quid but certainly many of them seemed to go by what you could afford as well. I agree about the little positive steps one day at a time.

Thought about a few basic coping strategies....(probably really basic and sorry if these are all crap suggestions I'm a complete novice so apologies if they're rubbish)

At the moment I'm working on 'postponing my worries/negative thoughts' - seems a bit daft, but does seem to be working. So when you think about these negative, worrying, beat yourself up thoughts - just allow yourself to notice you are feeling them and say to yourself. I'll think about this later - and set a time when you will. If your mind comes back to the worries then just keep saying you'll postpone it til later, don't beat yourself up about it still popping into your head. Then set aside your time for thinking about it. I don't know if this is anything you could try and think might help.

I've also read about grounding yourself...where if it all gets overwhelming you bring yourself back to the present but noticing little things around you - your breathing, what noises you can hear, the feel of your clothes on your body. It sort of brings you back to the present and releases some of the tension.

Does seem like you need to give yourself a chance to breathe and a few moments to not let all these negative thoughts go round and round your head.

Maybe this might be something to buy - help you feel like you're not alone in feeling like this?

www.amazon.co.uk/Altered-Dreams-Living-Gender-Disappointment/dp/1438935455/ref=sr_1_ 1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1276696570&sr=8-1#noop

nellykats your post there was really helpful thanks. I have been wracking my brains since I got pregnant for a boys name I like and just cant find one, but I think stuff like that would help if I could do it.

I really want to do stuff for my baby like buy nice clothes etc but since I found out the sex I've really struggled to do this and I feel so guilty. I dont enjoy looking at stuff for boys as I just dont like any of it (loathe baby blue) and it feels so wrong.

What absolutley kills me is that prior to finding out the sex, I had started bonding with my bump by reading to it, singing to it, and even knitting for it. This made me so much happier than I had been, but now I feel paralysed to do any of thse things by this horrible disappoinment- what a total bitch I feel.

I felt as if finding out the sex may also help me bond and hoped that that might alleviate my exisiting anxiety and depression- and lets face it if I'd found it i was having a girl it would have taken a huge fear away from me, so I guess I probably couldnt have just waited til the birth but I still cant get ast the regret of finding out. I was also just so sick of everyone telling me I was having a boy by the way i was carrying the bump, symptoms and cravings I was having etc and I got obsessed with wanting this all to be proved wrong.

zam72 thanks for the thought about the book but I just had a look at it and its all about people who cant get over it, say it never goes away and feel terrible for years and keep trying to have girls and its just horrible, I cant even go there.

I was just sitting here thinking how i wish I could explain a bit more about myself here to put all this in context but I'm too scared of identifying myself.

Thank you all again your messages of support are amazing xxx

Lelarose I'm not keen on babyblue and I have a cutiepie blonde example. Try buying bright stuff for him, ds wears greens, reds, yellows, dark blue, stripes, organge. Baby blue is so twee. Or buy off whites and other neutral stuff.

Forcing yourself to buy baby blue stuff is just another thing that rubs your nose in it in a way that is just not necessary.

posting in haste, as kamikaze 8mo ds is trying to fling himself over the edge of the sofa - am typing one-handed and holding his leg with the other. Get a few neutral things for the baby - there are shedloads for wee ones, and if you look for some scandinavian makes @(ebay good for this) - there are loads of beautiful gender-neutral things.

Gah. ds on floor now, and making a break for it. Wish I could lend him to you, lela - he's so fab, and I think a big smile and cuddle from him might help!

Yes I'm sure the thought of me having a boy isnt as bad as the reality will be.

Thats why i just want to die every time i think about my decison to find out. I'm like a broken record with ocd but I just CANT get past this.

Even if I thought there could be any doubt this could all be a mistake, but they don't make mistakes when they think its a boy.

I want to switch off from this so badly but I cant. I need to get back to work and seeing other people but I cant. There are other pregnant women I come into contact with at work who dont know what sex they are having and the envy I have of them is soul destroying. To the pont where the thought of being anywhere near them is just way too hard.

I used to be ok.

I'm sitting here praying again. God this is nuts.

ooh nooo blue is so 50s!! get oranges and yellows etc, you will be a fab mum and he will grow up with genes that mean he will be approchable and able to discuss his feelings just like you do here x where do u live btw can u go to mn meetups?

Lelarose,

only read this today but I felt I should reply. I could have written your OP 2 yrs ago when I was pregnant with DD - I never had a history of depression and all this was out of the blue. I could not sleep, managed to drag myself to work and feel useless, then my mind started playing little games which meant I could not sleep the following night, and it all went into a downward spiral of gloom - it was like a black tunnel I could not get out of. I was convinced that I would be unable to give birth, and that somehow my baby would be damaged, and that I would not be able to love her becasue she would be damaged and that I would be a useless mother and she would be better off without me. My partner was very supportive but my situation put a huge strain on our relationship - rows and rows.

My psych/counsellor were OK, but I have to say that was not what helped me the most in the end. What helped me was realising that I had supportive people around me that cared and would be there for me. You do too - you say your friend came around and helped you in the house, and your sister has been there for you. Your partner is loving too, and I am sure he would be horrified to know what you are going through and not telling him; he is a man after all (patronising I know!) and if you do not tell him straight what things are like he is not going to guess. Please try to talk to him honestly about what is going on...

I do not know for certain what will work for you (friends, family, ADs, spending some time in hospital or a combination of all those)- but pls keep talking to us here. You will be a good mum - you obviously care deeply about your baby, and I am sure that feeling is just going to grow.

By the way, I did not have an easy birth at all at the end (DD very prem, spent 7 weeks in SCBU, birth was a shock so could not bond with her immediately, did not manage to breastfeed etc). However, despite all this I did not suffer from PND at the end - I was back to my old (very imperfect!) self very quickly after the birth, and DD quickly became part of my life. I am not a perfect mother, only "good enough": but DD needs me, and I want to be there for her as she goes through the ups and downs of life.

There can be light at the end of the tunnel - I am thinking of you and send you lots of hugs... Keep posting...

Thanks so much for telling me about your experience and how you recovered. Things like that really do give me a bit hope, however i cant keep relying on the same two people for support and I'm scared of losing my partner if I tell him how I really am.

Someone has just stolen something from my house whilst the builder was in and the front door was open. I'm trying not to let that push me over the edge, its only things.

My home is not even my safe haven at the moment as all this work is getting done on it and I just want to be left alone and not have to leave it to go to work but its very awkward, just adds t the pressure. Cant go anywhere else I dont feel safe.

Hi lelarose,
Been in your situation with my last PG, so know how you feel and what your going through even down to the whole mother thing.

Sleep deprivation is the last thing you want while all those hormones are going round your body, not to mention the nuturients your lovely unborn baby is taking from you.
So have you asked your Dr if you can try Dimenhydrinate for your sleep problem, safe in PG. Also are you taking a multi vitimin for PG woman, boost up all those nuturients for your baby and yourself.

I have been through depression whilest PG and after the birth. Have you tried CBT for depression, it is a very affective way of dealing with problems you are facing, you really need to get right into it for you to get the most out of it. It helped me greatly and the problems I'm having at the moment it is really helping me to keep focused.
Can you find out if you can see a CPN from the mental health group, you seem to have issues with your past to do with your mum and other things, which I had the same and I didn't want to open up to anyone else, I was proud, but I talked to the CPN over a couple of months and got every thing out in the open about my past and it really helped to release the bottled up tension I had been holding in all these years.

I have to go but will write some more later.

Yeah I'll take whatever drugs now. Have just spent an hour and a half staring at the wall counting minutes til its late enough that I can maybe take a temazepam so I might not wake up in middle of night again.

Its just about survival now cos if I dont stay alive it will be too hard on my sister and my partner.

look at the baby clothes on things like The White Company and Jo Jo Mamam Bebe. they have gorgeous boys things.
Some good boys names:
Kit, Billy, Josh, Leo, Luca, Benjamin, Joe

The obsessive way that this is taking over your mind is VERY typical with anxiety and depression. with you it is the sex of your child and the fact that you decided to find out. For someone else it will be something different (eg. fear of germs/food poisoning) but its the same problem underlying it all.

Glad you seem to be getting some help from other peoples experiences.

Re. your baby being affected. i was very poorly during my pregnancy. Could hardly eat etc. babies were absolutely fine

x

really want to believe that just cant imagine getting better right now.

Just wanted to write something in reference to what sophdan said...
Please be very very careful and do NOT take diphenhydramine and temazepam together:

"In a case report and animal data, the combination of temazepam and diphenhydramine resulted in an increase risk for stillbirth or death shortly after birth. It is presently unknown if this interaction will occur with all benzodiazepines. To be safe, it is best not to take diphenhydramine while you are taking a benzodiazepine."

see here

So sorry don't want to scaremonger but I just couldn't leave that unsaid, as I feel it is very important.