desperately depressed

[lelarose]

21 weeks pregnant with first child, horribly depressed, chronic insomnia and full of fear. Partner away a lot, whenever we do spend time together I don't sleep and cry all the time and it all puts tremendous strain on our relationship (have considered splitting up even though I adore him). Can't enjoy pregnancy or even look forward to birth now. Even stupid things like choosing names now stress me out I'm so far gone.

Wanted to have a baby my whole life, feel now as if I must have made a huge mistake as will be a terrible mother as I'm too tired and unhappy to cope. Will have no support from family etc and be left alone a lot after baby is born. Been referred to psychiatrist, I keep the appointments but she doesn't help at all.

Dont know why I post on here as don't get many replies, I guess its just a relief to admit to strangers how I feel as only people Ive admitted this to in real life have no idea what to say or do so tend to just stay away.

Never felt so low in all my life. I try to bond with my unborn child but don't even know how to. All I do is feel guilty as I can't believe me being like this isn't affecting them already.

When is your DP home?

YOu will get better. Try and stop being so hard on yourself.

What about a nice bath before bed? Then you could take your pill and go to bed? What are you reading at the moment?

Tomorrow if you can face it- try and go to the Libray and get a couple of good books on audio format that way you can just listen and not have to concentrate on reading the words.

I was thinking that lots of men don't feel connected to their unborn babies until they arrive. And then when they meet them they feel that connection that was too abstract for them to fathom in pregnancy. I wonder if that could be part of what you are experiencing?

I was also thinking about the birth of my DS. I had a tricky birth and DS was in intensive care for 5 days. My DH held our son whilst I was out of it on morphine. He told me the sweetest thing. He said that when he held our baby, he felt unbelievably calm and he felt like he recongnised him. That he had met him before.

Hes home on friday so hopefully I'll have at least managed to maybe move from this sofa and have a wash or something by then.

Ladies a little miracle has just happend to me. A friend of mine who I hardly ever hear from just called out of the blue. She could tell something was wrong and eventually I admitted to her I think i'm having a breakdown.

She then told me about when she had pnd with her first baby and that she had really bad obsessive thoughts as well. I couldnt tell her what mine were about but I did say I was worried about having a boy in case I couldnt bond with it (not admitting I'd found out it was).

Guess what she said, she said I tell you exactly what to do, you go tomorrow and find out if it is a boy or a girl then you can at least deal with reality. It doesnt matter what your partner thinks hes not carrying the baby or suffering like this so you do what you need to. It makes fuck all difference (her words) whether you have a "surprise" at the birth or not and it helps you see the baby as a real person.

I CANNOT describe how good it feels for someone to have said that to me, not knowing that that is the very decision I have been torturing myself with. I have lost my sense of self so badly I needed someone sane to say that this is a rational kind of decision to make in my state of mind (not in hindsight when I think they are just trying to reassure me is what I mean) I still really really wish I'd never done it as its triggered all this but at least that gives me something to cling to.

I have known this woman for many years and when she was ill she didnt feel she could even tell her friends how bad it really was, and I have been trying to hide my feelings from her all this time. We all think it is just us, but its not and I really wish more ppl were open about these things.

All of you who are sending me posts encouraging me and sharing what happened to you have helped me like I cant describe while I'm not able to leave the house or see anyone in the real world.

Thank you so much and dont give up on me I have a long way to go but I'm still here and trying x

Lelarose maybe all that praying was not for nothing then

Hi, you said earlier this is all because of one decision you made, but I think quite a few people reading your posts suspect you would have been really anxious and depressed and fixated on something regardless. You must realise that the way you feel is out of all proportion to what's happened. We've all done things we regret, but it fades, and this should have faded by now.

Habbibu made some comments I liked, like about eating regularly. When I'm anxious, I don't want to eat but the hunger makes it so much worse. I used to eat flapjacks, apparently the oats have vitamins that are good for your nerves, they're easy to nibble on and the slow energy release of the oats is good for keeping your blood sugar on an even keel and therefore your mood too.

Habbibu wanted to lend you her son, me too! He is such fun, his smiles are just sunshine.

I don't like baby blue either. I got sick of being given it when he was wee. Well we don't get given much stuff for him now he's bigger and he hardly ever wears blue. I found a snow suit that I loved before he was born and I so looked forward to putting him in it, and it was totally gender neutral. Maybe you could find some things like that to look forward to.

Zam72 made some good suggestions about coping. I though about suggesting the book "Feel the fear and do it anyway" (dead cheap second hand on amazon). It's not meant for replacing professional help, but it is at least easy to dip into and there are some bits I found helpful for anxiety, really helped me and a friend I lent it to.

I also liked the suggestion of postponing the worrying. Permit yourself so long to explore your feelings.

Is there a Bumps and Babies NCT group you could go along to? Company is good. You might even find yourself thinking that the wee boys are quite cute. No?

Anyways, I'll try to pop in on you, keep strong, you're a good person, you've done nothing bad.

Ha. spent so long writing that I totally cross posted - happy for you. Big hugs, you're going to be okay.

Hi Lela

hope you're OK sweetie. Seems like your friend was a great help. I hope you didn't think I was suggesting that you were irrational about not wanting a boy, because I really don't believe you are. I think you have very strong reasons/deeply held beliefs for wanting a girl and I thought that by writing them down may help you understand your thoughts better. I also think it will help to write down your thoughts about not wanting a boy, again to help you understand your feelings.

You could actually show this to your dp without actually admitting to him that you have found out. It could be a first step to helping him understand how you feel.

What you are feeling about having a boy isn't wrong, you are perfectly entitled to feel as you do and you must not beat yourself up for feeling like that.

It will take time to recover, but you are definitely doing the right thing by getting the support you need, lots of us have been through and are going through depression.

Keep holding on Lela

xx

Oh hurray!
Lela - back at the beginning of this thread you couldn't admit to anyone else in RL anything was wrong, you couldn't even tell a bunch of internet sprites you were worried the baby was a boy and now, now you've been able to tell a friend almost all of it straight away. Hold on to that, missy - you have actually come a long way already.

One day, you'll be on here, asking about weaning, or shoes, or biscuit recipes, and someone will write a thread like this, desperately looking for someone in the same boat, and you'll be able to help her.

It cheered me up reading your last post, Lelarose. Glad your friend called you up and her words have helped you.

I wasn't that keen on baby blue either. A few months before my baby was born I bought an outfit from Gap which I thought would do either sex - red joggers, grey fleecy GAP hoody and a red padded nylon gilet - good for a boy or girl I thought. I still have the items.

Hope you're managing to eat and that you get some sleep tonight. Two days your partner will be home and I hope that gives you comfort. Sleep well Lelarose.

Hi lelarose,
In conjunction with what Getdownyouwillfall said about mixing meds, I did put in that you would have to talk to your GP about going on these first.

Anyway, I thought I hadn't bonded with my second child because of extream depression and axniety, but when I had my mental break down and went into hospital all I could think of and missed was my two children. So even if you think you wont bond it's more likely you will with out knowing it as someone said a few pages back it might not be as soon as you set eye's on that little bundal, it might just take time but you will get there.
I don't know the reason's why you can't go out side, but if it's the same reason's I had when PG and had very bad depression then this is what I found a great help, a short walk at first with some good music songs you know to keep your mind on something else and songs you can either sing or hum to will give you great results, singing is said to mak you happier, plus your baby will hear you singing or humming and that will make your bond that much stronger, plus the songs you use in PG that your baby hear's, if you sing or play them when your baby is crying it settles the baby down a lot better takes lot's of stress off of you.

Something I was told to do by my councilor was to write down exactly how I felt, I don't know if you find this but my mind was compleatly mixed up so much so that I stop thinking and went into a fuzz ball, anytime anyone asked me anything I went into a transe like state because I couldn't coupe with the extra pressure. So that is what I did, I could only manage one or two words first because I was so confused and that was all I could do, then the next day was a few more words and so on and so forth. As I got in to ten to twenty words, the councilor told me to start putting these words into sentences useing these words. It was great, because I couldn't talk to people about my problems because I was so upset, my councilor found a way of under standing my problem and getting me to under stand my self. I was also able to get my husband to, not compleatly under stand because unless you have been in that situation you will never fully under stand how poeple feel, but to shed a little more light on how I feel, and what sup[port I needed from him as a husband. I also used this way of comunicating with my mum, because she had her five pennies worth to say soon as I opened my mouth about anything and everything and we didn't get along at all anyway, Useing this method I felt I could tell her about how I feel and about our relationship and what I wanted from the relationship, and as I hoped it did turn our relationship around and I now have the support I need because she understands me a bit better. It has been one of the greatest treatments she has given me, with the greatest of results.

If you can get to a mothers and babies club please do, you will get lots of support from other mums and HV and you will make friends which is very important for you at this point in time so you can focus on different things.

I hope you do get better soon, it makes me sad just thinking what your going through, brings back memories.
Above all enjoy your PG, that lovely little baby thats growing inside you. You will be able to see light at the end of the tunnel soon with peoples help.

Regards
Elizabeth.

soph I agree whole heartedly, writing down is an enormous help.

I always thought as everything a a big pile of tangled spagetti in the corner of the room that I couldn't bear to look at never mind untangle.

With the help of a counsellor I started to unravel it strand by strand and this included writing things down bit by bit.

It will help your dp understand Lela.

xx

How are you doing today Lela? Hope this morning is seeming a little sunnier following the positive chat with your friend. Internet is great and all, but there is nothing like chatting with a friend who knows you in the flesh as it were! Small positive steps....you can do it!

Hey Lela, you have come a long way. Hope you are doing OK. x

Hi there I have been taking your advice and writing things down, thanks sophdan etc, but just try to write positive things about having my boy, which feels a bit fake.. Writing how I feel about not having a daughter is too scary for me and I feel too guilty.

I am proud today that I got out of the house and faced people. Had to endure about 6 conversations about whether I was having a boy or a girl but just gritted my teeth and kept pretending I dont know and saying I dont mind. Went and bought some boy baby stuff which I found very upsetting but did out of guilt for how i feel about having him.

Also proud that my partner called last night and I did start crying but even when he kept on at me to tell him if anything had happened I said no its just my hormones as I would have felt even worse worrying him. He'd never understand and he cant help me anyway, he'd be horrified if he knew I'd been at hospital etc.

Thanks for your concern about medication, just to reassure you I wont be touching anything without a cast iron guarantee from the dr that it is the least risky to the baby. I have WAY more than enough to feel guilty about with this child.

It was good to talk to my friend but only so far I can go with ppl in real life as they have to know me after the birth and I cant stand anyone knowing how I've really felt about having him who knows us personally.

I just wish I could feel more positive about when the baby arrives and stop tormenting myself over what I feel could have been but wont be now. Depression is horrible.

Wow, you bought some baby clothes, that is lovely, and you went out. Two massive accomplishments. Well done x

Take it easy on yourself. In a way I bet your DP is desperate to know and help you. Just a thought though.

Your friends in RL will be more understanding than you might think. I SIL suffers from depression and she has said some awful things about her DS. But I know she says these thing because she is depressed. There is no judgement. Good friends and family will understand and will support you, even in your darkest thoughts.

I think writing things down is a great way to focus your mind. Keep going.

Lela, have been thinking about you today, and an idea occurred to me - it seems to me you need to let yourself grieve for the girl you wanted, imagined, focussed on, had pictured - you need to allow yourself the grieving process for that baby, and then let her go. I know that you haven't actually miscarried, but how you are feeling reminds me a bit of one of the feelings of loss we had - we'd said goodbye to ddd1 in person, but a few days later I realised that we hadn't used the nickname we'd had for her as a bump since her diagnosis. I sat dh down, and told him we had to say goodbye to *, and it just about broke our hearts all over again.

That's one of the things that make me think of you - you've had this picture, this dream, these hopes and plans and ideas for a baby girl, and now you have to grieve for them and lay them to rest, before you can properly build an image of life with your son. Everyone builds pictures of life with their child - if you're lucky they largely come true, but sometimes your child doesn't make it, or you can't get pregnant, or it isn't the sex you'd imagined, or your child has a disability. Those pictures are a big part of how we deal with pregnancy, and they can be tremendously hard to say goodbye to, even without depression mucking up your thoughts. Let yourself grieve for that lost image, Lela, and then find a way of laying it to rest.

what a wonderful, moving and helpful post Habbibu

habbibu THANK YOU. You dont know what it means to me to have someone take how i feel about having a daughter so seriously and without judgement, because thats what it feels like, a loss. I'm ashamed to say that because I have this new life growing inside me and yet I feel like I've lost something and it seems such a terribly ungrateful thing to say. I have a close friend who cant conceive and I remember very clearly that feeling when you think you will never carry your own child and gender is meaningless, this makes me feel even worse for my horrible negative feelings towrds the child I never even though I'd never be able to have.

It has been my dream for such a long time, I dont know maybe I wanted to create the mother daughter bond. I never experienced. I am by no means a man hater I just feel no affinity with little boy or teenage boys whatsoever.

I think you are right I do need to grieve the daughter I'm not going to have and let her go but I really have no idea how to do that. In the shops today I just couldn't bear to look at baby girls clothes or baby girls in their prams. I am tormented with how, given time the gender of the baby may not have mattered to me so much as my pregnancy progressed and I could have just respected my partners wishes and left the whole thing alone. I was trying to pre empt post natal depression and look at me now I'm a wreck.

thatsnotmymonkey I know what you are saying but in not admitting this to my friends i feel like I'm trying to protect my baby because I cant bear the thought of them being told "its a boy!" and thinking oh dear if you see what I mean.

Partner home tomorrow night and I have no idea what to tell him, the strain of keeping so many secrets is hard.

Hi Lelarose,

Sounds like you're doing really well. I like the singing idea. The right song can do wonders for your mood, well it does mine anyway. E.g. Chesney Hawkes or something. Well done for getting something for the littl'un. What next - a toy?

Cross posted, you're not a wreck - you're having a hard time but you're fighting it to do your best for you baby.

I think if you shared your feelings with your DP, you could allow yourself to grieve and try and move on. You say often how you are keeping this from him, but at the same time protecting him. Could you be underestimating him?

You could have a little ceremony to say goodbye to this chapter and these feelings. Maybe write a letter, make a little box of treasures associated with the baby girl you are not having. Sew some meadow flowers and go somewhere beautiful and have a special day next to nature. It sounds like if your acknowlegde how you are feeling in a more positive way, in a way that frames the feelings as a chapter rather than a defining moment, you could deal with it?

It is like you are bereft. Know that, trust that.

Its all a process, and it will change.

Well, everyone grieves differently, and for you it's particularly hard to know where to start, I understand.

Perhaps properly think about all the images you had about having a girl before you knew. Face them clearly, think about where they are nice, where they are unrealistic, just look at them as calmly and thoughtfully as you can. And then cry, shout, wail, punch pillows, whatever. Let the storm pass, wash your face and make some tea, and then think about where your mind needs to go next.

My grief took the form of utter, utter rage at everything and everyone save DH. I threw flowers in the bin, tore up cards, raged at notes where people said they'd pray for us - I was an angry whirlwind for ages. And I needed to be - you need to find a way to express and release the pain you feel. Fuck whether anyone else thinks or would think it's justified - this is how YOU feel. Full stop.

oh god thank you both so much i really think you are right and your ideas are so thoughtful.

habbibu if you can get through losing a real child then I can surely cope with saying goodbye to my imaginary one.

I think the next step after that (not jumping ahead) is that I need to face my fears about having the real child that I am going to, because before I found out he was a boy I was already very anxious about this. I have very little support, a history of depression (that dp knows nothing about) and will be alone with this child most of the time and it terrifies me.

Anyway, one step at a time eh.

You ladies are wonderful, Thanks xx

lela, it is totally up to you how you decide to move on, but I can't tell you how impressed I am at how far you seem to have come.

There is alot of support and distractions out there for new mums. Are you going to any ante natal classes yet? Have you met any mums to be in your area?

I really like my baby massage class, my new mummy/baby yoga class, music with mummy class, swimming, and my peep group. I found that as long as I had one activity a day I would be OK.

How is the sleep?

If it helps, my social life got a HUGE boost after having dd! There are lots of things to do with a baby; personally, I'd recommend the stuff that people think is good for babies, but in fact makes no difference to them at all, but avoids awkward sitting around and stilted conversations. By this I mean aactivities like baby massage, music, library sessions etc, rather than just groups - you are doing something, so there's less pressure to talk, and you have common stuff to say when you do talk, like whether it's a good class, whose baby pissed the furthest in baby massage (boys have much more comedic value on this front), etc.

BUT. This is a while away, Work on the first step, as calmly and openly as you can. Letting go of dd1 was hard. I miss her. But had we not lost her I would never have had dd2 and ds, and I cannot comprehend life without them now. And I am, I think, in many ways, a better person for having had and lost her - having been through this storm and come out the other side.

You know, I didn't identify with boys either. I'm not a girly girl - went to an all-boys school for 6th form, and got on better with boys, but as a mother, I couldn't comprehend having a son. I actually felt sorry for people with boys. All I can tell you is that ds has amazed me, overwhelmed me, and changed me forever.

Sleep terrible as I'm just so anxious about everything now and run out of tablets which I was halving anyway. I want to beg dp not to go away again but I cant. I was going to an aqua aerobics and relaxation class for pregnant women but I cant go now because the last time I went one girl was talking about how she'd found out she was having a girl and another was on about how she was just looking forward to a wonderful surprise at the birth. I know there are other classes but I just cant be around ppl who are happily pregnant right now I feel like an outcast even though I can put on an act I just want to die inside.

I wouldnt mind a son if I knew I could also have a daughter at any point. But I'm very unlikely to be able to have another child and dp has already said he couldnt go through this with me again cos of how bad I've been which makes me feel like absolute shit as well. So this is my one experience of pregnancy and my one and only shot at motherhood. Breaks my heart really.