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Original poster

I'm a mess, really strugglin, messed up real bad :-(

999 replies

rhksmum · 27/04/2010 13:43

usin my phone to sort this so please dont give me a hard time for havin no paragraphs. I've been in hidin, last week i did something really stupid and to be honest im lucky im still here. My daughter has been in hospital really un well since saturday and im really strugglin tryin to keep it together for her. I'm tryin to split myself in so many pieces that i have fell apart, its my youngests birthday tomorrow and i wont be there for much of it because im in the hospital with my daughter, its just a mess, i cant cope, just want to walk out of here and not look back, i cant help her, shes really not very well, has to come back in 2 weeks for an operation, its all my fault, if i'd pushed more at the GP'S on friday she may not have got to this, i need to face it im a total screw up. Cpn not in,psychologist not in, no ones in and im not in a good place, I'm sorry

OP posts:
winnybella · 29/04/2010 21:08

You are not worthless.

Why do you think that?

Why is crying not allowed? I would think that should be a sign to your psychologist that you're not coping very well at the moment. Push her to get you all the possible appointments etc, call back sw, make sure they provide you with all the services you have a right to expect from them.

I think you need more care than what they are giving you at the moment- please try to make them give it to you.

You're feeling like shit, ok, but your children don't want you out. Quite the opposite, I would think. They would be devastated. Please,seek all the help you can get.

xxx

cpanda · 29/04/2010 21:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
rhksmum · 30/04/2010 14:08

cpanda
Thanks for that link, unfortunately I'm in Scotland.

My daughter is feeling better today, she can now breath through her nose, I should be happy, I am happy and glad she's feeling better, but I cant get rid of this feeling of dread in my stomach, she might be getting beter but I'm slipping further and further down.

Cpn was in and I tried to tell her, tried to explain but I couldn't get the words out, I didnt know the words to use.

I dont want this anymore, I dont want to breath, but I'm scared, scared it wouldn't work especially if last week was anything to go by.

OP posts:
willsurvivethis · 30/04/2010 14:15

RHKS don't go there - we want you to stay here, that's your kids, me and everyone else who cares for you.

Keep breathing, one hour at a time. Glad your DD is better than she was.

Sending hugs - at work now but around later if you want to talk xxx

louii · 30/04/2010 14:15

Have you no one that can mind the kids for a bit? Where in Scotland are you?

cpanda · 30/04/2010 16:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nemofish · 30/04/2010 23:03

rhksmum my heart goes out to you. Wish I had some magic words for you, but all I can do is echo what other posters have said.

Can't imagine what your dc would do without you? They need you, they love you, it's okay to cry, it's not wrong, it is allowed.

You are at your lowest ebb at the moment.
Hang on in there sweetie.

Original poster
rhksmum · 30/04/2010 23:04

louii
No there isn't anyone to mind the kids, if this week is anything to go by when the going gets tough my friends disapear

I'm just outside Glasgow

OP posts:
Original poster
rhksmum · 01/05/2010 20:17

Nothing
A big fat nothing
No where to run, no where to hide
It's all crumbling down around me and I cant stop it

OP posts:
SurpriseParty · 01/05/2010 21:34

You've done so well to keep going during such a hard week
Have you spoken to the samaritans?
http://www.samaritans.org/ samaritans
Also breathing space is a scottish site - they have helpers on at the weekend here

RHK please please contact someone in RL about this?

grapeandlemon · 01/05/2010 21:43

You poor love do you have any family near?

AgentProvocateur · 01/05/2010 22:30

Can you call NHS 24 on 08454 24 24 24. Someone there will be able to help if you need help just now.

willsurvivethis · 01/05/2010 23:35

RHKS you know I am here for you if you need to talk - keep breathing keep going. Nothing is crumbling or falling apart xx

ancientbutstillgorgeous · 02/05/2010 16:54

Hi RHK, how are you doing today? I'm in a similar place to you, due to lots of things, feel hopeless and useless and the GP was totally unsympathetic.

Just wanted to say, I really do know how you feel and that you're not alone and posting on here was a really good thing to do. Your kids love you and need you, never doubt that and you sound lovely and I know how hard it is to talk to RL friends/family about things. I certainly can't for fear they'd disown me, but that's probably not the case because they care about me.

Hang on in there, don't give up on the NHS because it's a great system and if you find the right people they really can help. And let us know how you're coping.

Original poster
rhksmum · 02/05/2010 18:21

I'm not doing very well at all,

Everyones been so nice and helpful on here and I dont deserve it,
I dont know what I'm doing anymore, nothing feels real anymore,

I tried talking to my friend last night and was told to get a grip, I so wish it was that easy.

I dont know what to do anymore, I dont want to do this anymore, but I'm scared

OP posts:
BeckyBendyLegs · 02/05/2010 18:37

You do deserve it. You really do. Please believe that. You really do deserve everyone here helping you and being nice to you (it's because we care or have been / are where you are right now). Please just take each day at a time, don't look further than tomorrow. If only it were as easy as to 'get a grip'. That's someone who hasn't had depression speaking.

monkeyfacegrace · 02/05/2010 18:43

RHKSMUM, Ive just seen this thread, and you remind me of me a few years ago.

How is your daughter?
How old are your kids?
Tell me about them? What are your best memories?

Sending love x

Original poster
rhksmum · 02/05/2010 19:42

My daughter is feeling much better, still on a lot of medication but getting there slowly.
I feel so guilty for what she went through, I cant get the images of her out my head of her lying in the hospital bed seriously ill, I keep thinking if I had just pushed the GP more it may not have come to this,but i cant change that now.
My children are 10, 12 and 15
Right now I cant think of any good memories, everything they do reminds me of what I didnt have growing up.
I want it to go away, I want it all to go away but it doesn't matter what I do it doesn't happen, I mess it up
I couldn't even end it right last week and my punishment for trying that was a seriously ill daughter

I'm a mess, a screw up and I dont know how to do this anymore

OP posts:
willsurvivethis · 02/05/2010 21:13

RHKS her illness was NOT punishment for your attempt to end it OR for the fact that it failed. Don't let them tell you that. The lie and they don't have your interest at heart only their own.

Take care hun, please xxx

BirdFromDaNorf · 02/05/2010 22:04

I didn't want to not post. I have been watching you post. Please keep going. You sound like such a good mum. I'm sure your children love you very much and that you are the centre of their world, even if they don't always phrase it like that.

Please try to think of good things - warm sunny days coming now, your daughter getting better.

We are all here for you, thinking of you and willing you to keep going and know that we do not think any of the things about you that we do - we see a mum who is working so hard to keep everything going, who is loving, kind and everything a mum should be.

Please keep posting, we want to be there to hold your hand. And for what they are worth online,

Original poster
rhksmum · 03/05/2010 13:53

I'm so ashamed, I've really lost it

I cant do this being a mum, I get it wrong all the time

Lost the plot with the kids, my oldest wont do anything, I threw his clothes at him, the other 2 have lost their pocket money for this week and its only Monday.

I walked out this morning and sat in the bak door crying, neighbours were giving me funny looks.

I've had it, I cant keep doing this, its too hard, I want out now

OP posts:
tortoiseonthehalfshell · 03/05/2010 14:02

Has the social worker come out to talk?

Original poster
rhksmum · 03/05/2010 14:09

No she didn't come out.
I spoke to her on the phone on Friday she said she will try and come out this week.
I keep hoping that when the kids go back to school it will be one less thing to worry about, but then I have my daughters operation next week to worry about, it just seems never ending.

I just want it to simple, just once, is that asking too much

OP posts:
winnybella · 03/05/2010 21:22

Can you try other ADs/ different doses? Can you try to get a different psychologist if this one is not really working?

Why would you say you don't deserve us being nice to you? Of course you do and we are happy to be here for you. I still think you need to change something re your meds or therapy, though.

Your kids love you, they would be heartbroken if you left them. You don't want to do this.

May I ask you how long have you felt like this?

MitsubishiWarrioress · 03/05/2010 21:42

My heart goes out to you rhks...

I have been in a bad place and where I am now is fragile but better. If at the very least you can hang in there and tread water please, please try.

I wish you the very best, and that you get the support you need..

take care xx