I'm a mess, really strugglin, messed up real bad :-(

[rhksmum]

usin my phone to sort this so please dont give me a hard time for havin no paragraphs. I've been in hidin, last week i did something really stupid and to be honest im lucky im still here. My daughter has been in hospital really un well since saturday and im really strugglin tryin to keep it together for her. I'm tryin to split myself in so many pieces that i have fell apart, its my youngests birthday tomorrow and i wont be there for much of it because im in the hospital with my daughter, its just a mess, i cant cope, just want to walk out of here and not look back, i cant help her, shes really not very well, has to come back in 2 weeks for an operation, its all my fault, if i'd pushed more at the GP'S on friday she may not have got to this, i need to face it im a total screw up. Cpn not in,psychologist not in, no ones in and im not in a good place, I'm sorry

winnybella
I've been on so many different ADs and antipsychotics that the psychiatrist when I see her says that medication isnt really going to help much, its the talking that will help me more.
My problem is my psychologist is lovely, and I'm scared that if I tell her the things I've done she will be disgusted with me, that she will hate me and I dont want to upset her.
There has been soo many things going on these past few years that there never has been time for me to just talk about me in the sessions(which in some ways suits me)
Pyschologist is phoning me in the morning to see how things are, she asked me last week if I felt a short stay in hospital would help?
I'm not sure, I would lose my children if I did that and then there really is no point in me being here

I can't see how a doctor could possibly react that way.

It is your health at stake and what follows, your children's wellbeing.

If divulging those things might bring you some sort of closure, you must do it.

Are you sure a stay in a hospital would mean that your children would be taken away?

If you don't talk about yourself in the sessions then you are not getting the benefits of them and you're making yourself more and more depressed. Please, reconsider. The psychologist can't help you if she doesn't know what is really eating away at you. I bet that saying all that out loud would take an enormous weight off your shoulders and be a beginning of a path to feeling well.

I wish I could help more, but in not knowing your problems it's hard for me to say more than the rather obvious things I said above.

Pointless so flipping pointless
There is no point anymore

I wonder why I bother
It always comes back to bite you

How are you today, rhksmum?

They know I'm struggling but I cant tell them how much for fear of what will happen.
I know they cant help me unless I'm totally honest but I'm scared.
Really bad night of nightmares and flashbacks, worse than before

I cant tell them now as my ex is taking me to court so I'm going to have to put on the 'I'm coping' face, I'm not feeling like I do,

It doesnt matter anymore,
I'm so tired and feel like I have run out of words, if that makes any sense

Yes, it makes sense.

I'm sorry you're still feeling so low.

Is your ex suing you for custody?

Are you sure that coming clean to your psychologist/ meantal health team about the nightmares and flashbacks would endanger keeping the kids? I mean you've been feling like this for a long time.

I wonder if actually talking about it and the events that gave rise to this might actually be of an enormous help- you are clearly at the breaking point and a release and consequent working through the issues might be that breakthrough that you really need.

Am I making sense here?

*mental health

What I was trying, not very articulately, to say is that you're filled up to the full with those images/ memories etc and you're ready to 'explode' if you will not release them iyswim. It would be extremely painful, but I have a feeling it's what you need right now.

Not for custody but a contact order, but he's very good at manipulating things to his advantage, he's not really interested in the kids its about control over me.

Tried speaking to psychologist today, needed to talk about the nightmare but she didnt call me back, which just feeds into my feeling of not mattering.

I have her tomorrow but by tomorrow I wont be able to talk to her about this.

I'm scared going back to the new room, last week was horrible in there but I dont have a choice.

RHKS you know that your psychologist cares a lot - she probably wasn't in or busy.

If you feel you can't tell her tomorrow write it down now and give her the paper tomorrow. You can do that.

Good of you to go back to the new room tomorrow - can only pray it will be slightly easier than last week x

I know she probably does care, when I spoke to the secretary she asked if it was urgent or if I just wanted a chat, I hate making a big thing out of things so I just told her I wanted a chat, she said she would pass the message on.

I know I am just being stupid, but it just feeds into the voices that tell me I dont matter, right now they're all telling me they were right that I dont matter, that they are the only ones to be listened to, and I cant shut them up

If you'll keep on saying that you won't be able to do it, then you won't.

You are in a bad place now and it seems a right moment to face the fear of opening up to her. She can't help you if you won't tell her, but more importantly sharing those demons with someone else might be cathartic for you.

You are the most important right now, forget the court fight, what you tell your psychologist will stay between you two.

Perhaps she didn't call you back because she was busy, perhaps she had some other emergency, I don't know, it doesn't mean you don't matter to her.

And look, I don't even know you, but from what I can gather you're amazingly brave to have dealt for so long with the baggage others burdened you with.

You can do it, you can speak to her tomorrow, about the nightmares and about things you did (or, if I'm correct in my assumption, you were made to do). You have nothing to lose by doing that and a lot to gain.

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow.

x-post.

Yes if you didn't say it was important than there you go. How could she have known?

*then

I didn't say it was important because it doesnt feel important, I dont feel like I'm important enough to matter.

I know she's not a mind ready, I know unless I tell her whats going on in my head she cant help me, but there has been so much going on in my life in the now rather than the past that we have had to speak about that the past just keeps geting pushed further and further away and I guess in some ways thats how I like it because I will use any excuse not to talk about it.

My cpn and psychologist know this is what I do and they do try and reasure me that they aren't going anywhere and so far they haven't given me any reason to think that they would but because of my childhood I really struggle to believe them.

Its not thy're fault its mine and I guess until I can get by that I can only give them wee snippets of whats gone/going on

But you're not doing well right now, are you? You need to get it out. This is what is tormenting you right now and it's also influencing the way you deal with day-to-day stuff.

What is important enough? Why would you be less important then others? Even if you weren't an intelligent, eloquent, warm person that I'm sensing through your posts, you would not be unimportant.

I'm really urging you to speak openly to your psychologist tomorrow, if you feel it's way too hard, try writing it down as willsurvive said. But you said you were ready to talk about your nightmares today- you can do it tomorrow, too- and perhaps then you can go on and talk in depth about the nighmare you have lived through. Sharing can only help, I think, especially with someone who is well equipped to deal with it in a professional and sensitive manner.

Good luck.

Not been on here for a long time. Feeling so low with no one to talk to. I have few friends and no-one close or who I see regularly. the more down I get the less I make contact with anyone, including my family.

I'm 32 with a 2 year old son and live my on-off partner of nine years. I wont bore you with the why's and wherefore's of our relationship, but it's been turbulent, let's say. I can honeslty say that if it weren't for my son we would have parted company some time ago. We dont have a sex life, which is the main problem for him; I feel angry and resentful toward him, for lots of reasons, which I know is the block to our intimacy. This is causing daily tensions and rows and I dont know what to do for the best, it's all been affecting me and my physical and mental health for some time and I just dont know what to do. Now it's affecting my son because the past few weeks have just been so dark and draining and I have no energy and am impatient and bad-tempered with my lively little boy.

Today has been particualrly low which is why I;e come on here; I dont cry often, but have spent the day blubbering around the house for no particular reason. Another mopey morning has culminated in my smacking my little boys bottom and shouting at him to go to sleep for his afternoon nap. I;m so gutted. I can't stop crying.

Ive just come on to splurge. I dont even know what im looking for.

well I went

she said she got my message but it was too late to phone me and because she knew she was seeing me today there wasn't any point in phoning me this morning.

we spoke about the up coming court case
about how my ex is so perfect nothing affects him
she spoke about the chairs and swaping places

I told her how I was scared now to say what was going on in my head incase it was put in the report, she said that was understandable but because I was between psychiatrist just now she would do the report if it was asked for.

When it was time to leave I managed to tell her how I was feeling about the room and the building, she seemed a bit shocked and made all the right noises but it doesn't matter anymore

I cant do this anymore, its too scary a place to be in, its leaving me vulnerable
I know its stupid, I'm stupid
I just dont know how to do this anymore

Hi usually only lurk but couldn't not post as you seem so distressed.
I know you probably wont listen but please try to not be so hard on yourself - you've got such alot going on, anyone would struggle.
"I just dont know how to do this anymore" is how you feel but if you can just get through one day at a time you will be doing it.
I can imagine your mind is buzzing all day, and probably alot of the night with the dreams. Would trying a relaxation tape help?
Please keep posting as there are lots of very wise mnetters around to listen.

So she would put everything in the report if she was asked to do one? Or not? Sorry, I didn't get that part.

You're not stupid, you have an illness called depression. You know that.

Have to do the school run, but will be back later x

rhks you are not fair on her when you say she's making all the right noises - she means it, why wouldn't she

And if she would do the report at least it would be fair on you even if she would have to confirm that you're none too stable at.

I am pleased you told her about the room. You've been in it twice now - maybe you can learn to cope being in there slowly and then you will be a bit stronger again.

I'm in tears just thinking about what you are going through rhksmum. You are not alone. There are some very wise people on here who will always listen and try to help.You are obviously in a dark and desperate place right now and we all feel for you but you really have no choice. You must keep going an hour at a time. Your children love and need you. You should be proud of yourself for telling the psychologist how you are really feeling. Accept all the help the SW can provide. There is no shame in asking for help and you and your children will benefit hopefully in the very near future.
Be brave and strong. [big hugs]

winnybella
she said if she was asked to do the report she would say that although I struggle and have alot of on going issues, my children always come first, I do the very best I can for them.

willsurvive
Your right I'm not being fair on her because I dont feel I deserve her to be nice to me, I struggle really hard to accept she wants to be nice to me because she wants to, not because she's paid to or that she wants something in return which was how it was when I was growing up.

I guess the main problem is me, until I can accept that some one wants to be nice to me for me and not what i can do for them in return I'm not gonna be able to move on

And this probably makes no sense at all

You know it makes perfect sense to me because you know I'm struggling with the same thing. It's our past talking...