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Original poster

I'm a mess, really strugglin, messed up real bad :-(

999 replies

rhksmum · 27/04/2010 13:43

usin my phone to sort this so please dont give me a hard time for havin no paragraphs. I've been in hidin, last week i did something really stupid and to be honest im lucky im still here. My daughter has been in hospital really un well since saturday and im really strugglin tryin to keep it together for her. I'm tryin to split myself in so many pieces that i have fell apart, its my youngests birthday tomorrow and i wont be there for much of it because im in the hospital with my daughter, its just a mess, i cant cope, just want to walk out of here and not look back, i cant help her, shes really not very well, has to come back in 2 weeks for an operation, its all my fault, if i'd pushed more at the GP'S on friday she may not have got to this, i need to face it im a total screw up. Cpn not in,psychologist not in, no ones in and im not in a good place, I'm sorry

OP posts:
Original poster
rhksmum · 15/05/2010 23:08

but I dont think I can ever accept it wasn't my fault, to do that means I have to say they were to blame and I cant, I really cant.

I cant get my head round that my own parents would want to hurt me, that they would let their friends hurt me, it has to be my fault, it really has to be or it means I'm related to people that would want to hurt their daughter,

OP posts:
willsurvivethis · 15/05/2010 23:40

You've said this before and yes you are related to totally depraved people. But we all make our own choices and you make yours.

Blood relation only counts for so much. You are your own person.

You need to at some point accept this to move on and become whole.

By putting the blame on yourself you are making life impossible. And you are still not seeing that putting blame on yourself is what abuse survivors do to survive. I do it. Less no with counselling and talking but it is still there.

He's was my teacher, he told me I was bad, if I tell my parents they will no longer love me, he can't be bad he's my teacher, ergo it's my fault. It's a mechanism not a truth.

But you will get there, in your own time.

lou4791 · 15/05/2010 23:45

rhksmum,
I obviously don't know your full story or who/ what agencies you have been to for help with this before. I am also not a trained councellor or experienced in dealing with survivors of child abuse. But it's NEVER the child's fault...NEVER. I know that survivors of child abuse do struggle with this , as the blame thing gets so ingrained. But IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT. IT REALLY WASN'T YOUR FAULT. Please contact an agency that can councel you through this, perhaps one of these- www.supportline.org.uk/problems/child_abuse_survivors.php www.napac.org.uk/

You'll make it through this. You'll find the strength. You'll see that light at the end of the tunnel. You have to, for YOUR babies and for YOURSELF.

For tonight just rest and sleep if you possibly can.

Lou xx

Keziahhopes · 16/05/2010 00:04

The light is still there, even if right now it doesn't feel like it.

From personal pain I can honestly say that it will get better. When we lack sleep, have lots to do or are ill/stressed it can make everyday things seem so much harder. Being able to rest, sleep, eat healthily, have some fresh air each day can help our bodies and minds begin to heal. Not the total answer, but helps us keep going.

And you are doing it, keeping going and doing things. How lovely that you are planning on buying that prom dress with your daughter.

Original poster
rhksmum · 16/05/2010 22:21

4 panic attacks, 1 very distraght daughter and 1 very worried friend, my daughter got her prom dress.

I cant go back out, I cant see my friend, I'm so ashamed, I've come home and I've hacked my arms to bits

OP posts:
willsurvivethis · 16/05/2010 22:27

RHKS I was worried about you already as you were not around.

So she got her prom dress but the cost to you was high. Please stop cutting now and come to talk to me.

Yes you can see your friend and tell her it was panic attacks even if you can't tell her why.

Yes you can go back out again it won't always be like this .

lou4791 · 16/05/2010 23:02

Difficult though it was for you, you did make it out and you did manage to sort your daughter out with a dress. You are very hard on yourself when, although you were feeling terrible beforehand and endured panic attacks during, you did achieve what needed to be done today . There is no reason to be so hard on yourself. You did really well to get it done. You have done nothing wrong. Please stop hurting yourself. xxx

hairymelons · 16/05/2010 23:12

couldn't read and run...

rhks, I don't really know how to be of help you but it is heartbreaking to read about the pain and torment you experience every single day. I don't honestly know how you get up in the morning. You say you can't go on but somehow you are putting one foot in front of the other. I think you are amazing.

I have never suffered how you suffer but I have been in a bad place. Recovery started for me when I let something good happen to me once upon a time.

Can you think of a kindness you could do yourself? Just one little thing that doesn't terrify you and won't exhaust you...disagree with the voices that say you are worthless, or remember something good that happened, or consider opening up about something to your CPN so that she can help you. She really can help you, it's the letting her help bit which is so hard.

I hope you can see that a lot of people care about what happens to you, people you have never met. It is because you are suffering and no-one should have to experience that much pain. What happened to you should not have happened. It's not fair and it's not your fault.

What is happening to you right now isn't your fault either. It's a direct result of the hurt that was done to you in the past. You aren't being punished because you have done nothing wrong!

Rememember that your children love you and need you whatever state you are in.

I hope hope hope that something good happens for you soon, that you can begin to let some light in. Like your lovely friend IWill says, just keep breathing.

Sending you love xx

rowingboat · 17/05/2010 00:41

RHKS I have just read the whole thread and I feel frightened for you because you are blaming yourself for everything that happens and has happened. You aren't responsible for everything that has happened, it is sad and you are obviously suffering because you have had sad things happen to you through no fault of your own.
I haven't experienced anything like the same things you have and feel as if I am patronising you by replying without really understanding your situation, but I just wanted to say what I feel about what you have written.
Firstly, I think you are doing so well to cope with your daughter's operation. It does sound as if they are taking care of her and thinking of her best interests. If it weren't for you she might not have had this care.
I also think you are amazing to go on and cope when you feel so wretched inside, just to go and buy a prom dress is painful for you, but you have still done it.
OK it didn't go the way you hoped, but you still did it. You can't help it if you have panic attacks, you got the dress despite all that so you didn't let it beat you.
I can't know exactly how you feel, but I can understand how frustrating it is when a physical response or a irrational fear can stop you from functioning. I had an irrational fear of shaking, which made me shake more because I focussed on it so much and worried about it. Now I don't think about it, it gradually faded, but it plagued me for quite a few years.
I'm sad to hear about how people in your past have made you feel worthless.
I feel that despite their cruellty it doesn't mean you are worthless. If you had an idyllic childhood and felt better about yourself you would still be the same person that you are with the same value that a person has. The cruelty you have suffered hasn't actually changed your value as a human, but it has changed your perception of your value.
I want to say it isn't about who you are, you are just a person like anyone else, you do good things and bad things like anyone else. It is sad that you are finding it much harder to forgive yourself the mistakes you make. It must make it so much harder when you have the voices telling you that you are to blame for things.
I know it's a cliche, but everyone makes mistakes and we all have to forgive ourselves otherwise we would all be crippled by remorse. I hope you can start to forgive and accept yourself, I think you deserve that.
I don't know the ins and outs of the support available for mental illness, but you sound as if you need to have something more than the visits you are having.
Have you called the Samaritans at all, it sounds as if you often need help when there isn't an professional available. Perhaps it would help to get that contact when you need it by using another support organisation, like the samaritans, rather than waiting for the professionals to call back or visit.
I hope you are getting some rest without the nightmares.

lou4791 · 18/05/2010 07:24

How have you been over the last couple of days? Been thinking about you and wishing you well.x

willsurvivethis · 18/05/2010 08:24

rhks you've disappeared again and I'm worried. Have you ried i again? Please get in touch xx

willsurvivethis · 18/05/2010 08:25

That should be 'tried it' - not awake yet

winnybella · 18/05/2010 08:30

How are you? Let us know, please x

willsurvivethis · 18/05/2010 12:38

Not been on facebook since early Sunday evening - I know what that means - can only hope this attempt failed too

shabbapinkfrog · 18/05/2010 13:09

Im sorry to butt in - has anybody on here asked for advice or help with this thread? I only ask because I got very involved trying to help a MN lady and it really took its toll on me. I was thinking about her all day and worrying about how I could help her. I was just wondering if MNHQ could help?

Have you sent rhksmum a private inbox message on Facebook? Has she been on the instant message part of Facebook?

Sorry to hi-jack x

cpanda · 18/05/2010 13:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Songbird · 18/05/2010 13:31

oh God will, I was afraid of that. I've only just discovered this thread, and read the whole thing this morning fingers tightly crossed. It's desperate, and i wish janet fucking Street fucking Porter would read it!

cpanda · 18/05/2010 13:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shabbapinkfrog · 18/05/2010 14:00

With no disrespect whatsoever to rhksmum, please be careful everybody who is supporting and helping so well. I began to spend my entire days (and nights) trying to figure out how to help the lady I was talking to . She needed professional help and I was not trained to give it. I do wish there was more that MNHQ could do in these circumstances.

willsurvivethis · 18/05/2010 15:36

shabbapinkfrog no she hasn't - we chat often. I know she will look at this thread if she's on the computer.

She has professional help including a good psychologist and a useless cpn.

willsurvivethis · 18/05/2010 15:39

rhks if you read this what shabba said doesn't mean I don't still want to support you - I really want to talk to you.

Shabba I appreciate your concern but I know what I'm doing and I know my limits.

It's hard for rhksmum to allow anyone to support her so your post was well meant but possibly not well timed.

shabbapinkfrog · 18/05/2010 15:39

willsurvive Im glad that she has you, and the other ladies on here, to talk to. I think this is when MN is at his best x

shabbapinkfrog · 18/05/2010 15:41

It was totally well meant - I have suffered with severe depression in the past and still, at times, now. It is a hard road to walk - maybe that was why I struggled so much with the lady I tried to help. Also want to apologise for my timing which was lousy x

Headbanger · 18/05/2010 15:50

Marking my place; have been following this with great sadness but felt I had no words that would do, but want to know she's OK.

winnybella · 18/05/2010 16:49

We're worried about you rhksmum- let us know how are you doing, please.