I'm a mess, really strugglin, messed up real bad :-(

[rhksmum]

usin my phone to sort this so please dont give me a hard time for havin no paragraphs. I've been in hidin, last week i did something really stupid and to be honest im lucky im still here. My daughter has been in hospital really un well since saturday and im really strugglin tryin to keep it together for her. I'm tryin to split myself in so many pieces that i have fell apart, its my youngests birthday tomorrow and i wont be there for much of it because im in the hospital with my daughter, its just a mess, i cant cope, just want to walk out of here and not look back, i cant help her, shes really not very well, has to come back in 2 weeks for an operation, its all my fault, if i'd pushed more at the GP'S on friday she may not have got to this, i need to face it im a total screw up. Cpn not in,psychologist not in, no ones in and im not in a good place, I'm sorry

Why would she be pissed off? Genuinely curious, not saying you're wrong.

Maybe the shutters are down because you couldn't face it this week. You've had a hard couple of weeks, it's okay to slow things down a bit. You can pick it up again next week or whenever you're ready.

Hugs for you here x

It can be hard when people can't do what we need them to do, especially when we haven't the words or energy to communicate. Sorry you are struggling.

HM
I dont know why I think shes pissed off with me, it was just a feeling. I guess I put the barriers up today, couldn't settle, was really angry with her, dont know why.
She wrote me a letter about how the wee me needed compasion and love, I wanted to screw the letter up and throw it at her, scream at her telling her I hated the wee me, that there is no way I will ever feel anything but hatred for her.

Tried phoningher this afternoon but she wasn't available but did phone me back when I was out with the kids but I couldn't speak to her, told her it was too late, that it didn't matter, that I was just being stupid, story of my life right now.

I dont know where I go from here, I'm feeling really angry with her right now, and shes done nothing wrong but I cant get rid of this feeling.

She's making you think about some really difficult things which is bound to make you feel angry and afraid. She'll have made a lot of people feel this way and won't be offended by it, it's just a necessary part of her job.

A lot of people react angrily to compassion and kindness when they don't feel like they deserve it too. It's part of being depressed to push away those who can help and who are loving towards you because it feels wrong. Maybe you've seen that in your daughter from time to time- I know I've been that way a lot with those close to me when feeling bad about myself.

It's fine to be angry with her. Remember that anger and fear are closely related, you're not a bad person just feeling what anyone would. She's right about the wee you but don't forget to be kind to the (equally blameless) big you as well.

Sorry, wasn't saying that your daughter is depressed, just meant that kids do the pushing away/ reacting angrily thing a lot when they're upset.

Same nightmare again, woke up choking, cant work out whats going on in it, but I know I'm scared:(
I'm really angry today, kids have been screamed at, shouted at, cant get a grip today, just feel soo much rage inside me today but aimed at the wrong people :(

I dont get it though, she believes me, she says she feels compassion for me and the wee me, wishes she could have helped me when I was small but I cant accept it, cant see that someone can want to help and believe in me, I'm sared if I carry on on this path of distruction I'm going to push her away, that she will get fed up of me going on and on.

She won't get fed up. The more you rail at her, the more she knows she's getting somewhere with you.

Plus, you have a right to be angry. I'm furious on your behalf and I easily believe that she wishes she could have helped you then. How dare they do that to you?

Maybe she's trying to get you to think more about the wee you, to see yourself as a child, so that you can stop hating yourself over this and point that anger in the right direction?

Don't worry that it's wrong to be angry. Rage is an appropriate emotion under the circumstances. You could scream, shout & take it out a pillow, a physical release can really help.

rage and anger scare me, it feels wrong to have those feelings. I dont know what to do with them or how to use the right.
I'm scared if I get angry I will turn out like them, but right now with what I'm remembering I'm almost there so it probably wouldn't make much difference:(

They dared do what they did because I let them, didn't fight, didn't tell, just let them do what they wanted, when ever they wanted to.

How could a child possibly know how to fight this? With which resources/ knowledge/ understanding?

Can you think instead that this happened to you- you didn't cause it and it was never your responsibility to make it stop it was theirs.

You won't ever turn out like them, you haven't turned out like them. What happened to you was terrible and wrong- they hurt you so badly as a child and it continues to hurt you today. Too right you're angry.

It doesn't feel nice to be angry and out of control but try not to berate yourself for it. Do you remember apologising to the chair? You won't do anything 'bad' with the anger. I hope it gives way to some more peaceful feelings soon.

rhkamum - from what I have read her about your psych she sounds lovely and really full of empathy and compassion. Sorry you struggle to accept that - it took me a long time to accept that from my therapist (and was annoyed I left it so long as she then had to leave her job and I could have used her more, but that is my story!) - could you ask her to help her work with you on accepting that from her?

HM
I hope I dont do anything bad with the anger because I dont want anyone to feel the pain I felt when they got angry, but it doesn't stop the worry or fear that one day I could just snap :(
In my head it was my responsibilty to stop them, that they didn't know what they were doing was wrong because to think differently then it means I was related to people that wanted to hurt their child, that wanted to do disgusting things with their child and that scares me, makes me want to run away, makes me feel sick.
I cant blame them because they were my mum and dad:(

Kezia
My psych is lovely, she is caring and is so nice, and their lies my problem. I struggle with the nice, if someone is nice to me I dont know how to react, dont know what to do, but if someone is horrible I know what I'm doing, where I am.
I've told her some really bad things I've done, she hasn't ran away and I'm struggling with that. She should run away, she should get as far away from me as possible.

I feel like I'm spending my time with her worrying about what I say and how it will afect her, when it doesn't have the affect I think it will it throws me again, then how it all makes me feel, it all confuses me.
I dont know how I'm suppossed to feel, how I'm suppossed to react, it all feels wrong.

RHKS you know that I will keep saying thiis over and over again but it was not your fault. And even parents do bad things.

I know the struggle with people being nice, caring. My close friends now sometimes say no we are not going to get fed up, we are not leaving, you are not too much, the whole litany I've used over time and still do.

I remember saying to a friend please call me a slut then I can cope

But there are people out there who care and she's one of them xx

She shouldn't care and I dont want her to care.
I need her to feel like I do about me, it's less confusing, but she's not going to is she :( and I have to try and deal with that as best I can.

I feel so down today, yesterday I was angry today I'm down and tearful, everything feels so pointless, so desolate.

Hey don't know why you went offline and told me you had to shut up but I'm here if you need me xx

It's an awful, painful truth to accept that those who should have loved you and taken care of you didn't. It's heartbreaking. What's worse is you punishing yourself your whole life for something that you couldn't help though.

I'm really sorry this happened to you

You seem like your perspective has changed a little though. That's good.

If there was ever a time I needed to keep my mouth shut then today was that day, but no stupid me didn't and the only person that probably cared enough to want to help me is probably right now sitting scrubing me of her list.

Why couldn't I just keep it too myself?
Why can't I talk about what I need to but can say other things?

I'm tired of all this, my phone goes I'm jumping, incase its her, feel physically sick. This is so stupid, so pathetic, so argghhh I dont know, my head is soo messed up with all this.

So you spoke to the psychologist on the phone - will you tell us what you said to her that makes you think she will no longer help you?

No I didn't speak to her on the phone, I wrote her a letter and handed it into the centre where she was working this afternoon.
I told her I was sorry I was such a cow on Friday, that I thought she was peed of with me.
That when she phoned me back on Friday I did need to speak to her but couldn't, when she offered to phone today I told her it didnt matter and to forget it, but I really did want her to, stupid and pathetic I know.
I told her that when she hugged me it scared me but it made me feel safe, that no one does anything nice for me unless there is an ulterior motive and for the life of me I couldnt figure out what hers was and that was scaring me too.

She phoned me tonight and we kind of talked but she didnt mention the first part of the letter.

Really bad thoughts, went past my youngests school and noticed the gate was unlocked, thought it would be better locked but if it was locked then the kids couldnt get out when the man came in shoting them all, I saw the bodies, saw the blood, cant get it all out my head, :(

soglad you could be honest in the letter ... my therapist hugged me, made me feel safe and said she cared, had empathy - she just did, up to me to accept! Glad I did before lost her.

I hope the letter and phonecall can be a stepping stone forward for you to realise there are some nice people out there and you are worth helping x

If I understand you right, there's no reason to think she won't want to see you anymore. It's just that you opened up to her and are feeling vulnerable and anxious about it.

It was brave of you to send the letter. You keep taking these really courageous steps and I think you're now just feeling understandably unnerved by the fact that she cares about you and can be trusted.

Those awful scenes that run through your mind must be very upsetting. Nothing bad is going to happen, it's your anxiety creating these thoughts. They are distressing enough though I know.

I'm terrified, I'm out of my depth with all this.
Her being nice is killing me, its exhausting and scarey.
The headaches are really bad, the tears are flowing like theres no tomorrow and I feel like I'm losing my grip on reality.

Well this kind of unconditional support is a new experience for you, no wonder it's freaking you out. I'm so glad you finally have a bit of a lifeline though.

Do you have anything for the headaches?

I took some paracetamol probably too many but it took the worst away.

CPN was in and we had a really good talk, still couldn't tell her somethings, but told her my fears about going out this weekend for my friends hen night, about eating infront of people and them eating in front of me, about how much I'm cutting.

I have the duty social worker coming on Monday to see us, not sure what will happen.

rhks I thought you had been given something stronger for the headaches -still not working?

try not to be ashamed or worried about the cutting - it's just another defence mechanism and you need it rigt now - it's not good for you in itself but it will pass.

I'm here if you need some company

I need it to stop, please make them stop, I'm going mad, I want out, no more, its all too much.
Psychiatrist was lovely says hes concerned about me, my Gp that retired last week sent me a card, please stop being nice, stop making me think you care, stop confusing the voices because they are getting mad and I cant get them to shut up.

I dont know what to do anymore :(