I'm a mess, really strugglin, messed up real bad :-(

[rhksmum]

usin my phone to sort this so please dont give me a hard time for havin no paragraphs. I've been in hidin, last week i did something really stupid and to be honest im lucky im still here. My daughter has been in hospital really un well since saturday and im really strugglin tryin to keep it together for her. I'm tryin to split myself in so many pieces that i have fell apart, its my youngests birthday tomorrow and i wont be there for much of it because im in the hospital with my daughter, its just a mess, i cant cope, just want to walk out of here and not look back, i cant help her, shes really not very well, has to come back in 2 weeks for an operation, its all my fault, if i'd pushed more at the GP'S on friday she may not have got to this, i need to face it im a total screw up. Cpn not in,psychologist not in, no ones in and im not in a good place, I'm sorry

sweetie as I have said before (and last night I think) the voices are going mad because they know that when you start listening to the 'nice' people in your life and start believing different things about yourself they no longer stand a chance. They need you to be isolated and ready to believe any old cr*p they say about you. They are under more threat than ever before. Just hold our hands and you can do it xxx

They're shouting louder because you're making progress. Can you tell them to shut up? Tell them that you are getting well and that people care and that you matter?

Keep saying it to yourself: I am getting well, and people care and I matter.

I dont think I can do this, I told psychiatrist today that I wanted out, that if I could get it so my children had a better relationship with their dad I could go, why is he such an arse, why cant he make it easy for me, just once.

Cant get anyone on the phone, cant breath, need to get a grip before the kids come in from school and see me upset again.
I've had enough

rhks trust us - try to listen to us

you will never be able to leave the kids with tosspot without damaging them beyond belief.

There's only one thing for it - fight

But you don't have to do it alone xx

Maybe you don't want to hear this, but even if he wasn't an arse, your children would still always need you. You are biding your time until they don't need you anymore but that time will never come. Not having you would leave a huge hole in their lives.

Sorry you feel like giving up today but please don't. You can do this, you are doing it.

Your right I dont want to hear it because it hurts that I could even think of leaving my kids, but living hurts too.

I hate that he's an arse and he brings the kids into things they dont need to be involved in. Tonight he told them he was busy filling in Child support forms why did he tell them that? They dont need to hear it.

I have nothing left to give, psychologist tomorrow and suprise suprise I dont want to go, but I will because I dont feel like I have a choice:(

gentle safe hug from me.

No, they don't need to hear that stuff at all. FGS.

Hope today goes well.

How are you today?

Am really struggling.
Things just feel so impossible right now.
Went out with my friend and her partner this morning and all they did was fight and argue, had a really bad flashback, ended up on wrong bus home, in a panic, being sick.
Really need to get a grip with all this.

My arm is a mess from yesterday's session with the psychologist where I scratched it to bits.

Half term starts today and I'm worried how it will be. Kids are going to their dads next weekend so will see what the fallout from that is this time.

Sounds awful this morning, you don't need that kind of drama right now. Hope you're not feeling so panicky now.

Has there been any word back from the curator since the last visit?

No word from curator, if I'm honest I dont expect any of them to do anything.
I'm so tired of everything, no energy, no get up and go, big fat nothing.
I cant get the feelings of the beasties crawling on me away, I'm scratching and scratching but they wont go away.
I feel like I'm losing it completely

I'm sure you'll hear from the curator, she's seemed on the ball so far.

I'm not surprised you're low on energy. Don't expect too much of yourself and rest in the day if you can- I take it you're not getting much sleep?

The panic followed by feeling so tired must be hard work but I believe you're working your way through.

Any plans for the week with the kids?

Me and my daughter are going to my friends hen night tonight (not bridezilla's) but the fighting has already started over that.
Am so sick of all the petty arguing over all this, who's going or the meak, who's not invited to the meal but for drinks after.
They all need to get a flipping life, I'm so tired of the pettyness of them both, so now its back to secrets and lies, dejavu all over again.

Want to go back to bed and hide under the covers:(

I hate all that stuff too. Just don't engage with it. Politely nod etc. when people moan but don't give it a second thought. Bloody politics.

Is your daughter excited? Quite a grown up thing to do going on a hen do :)

Yes she was excited, she seemed to have a good time, seeing her smile and laugh was so nice but heartbreaking as well if that makes sense.

She only stayed for the meal and then my friends mum brought her home.
I left early as everyone was really drunk and getting quite nippy.

How do I do this?
I honestly dont know anymore, I'm tired of this, tired of breathing, tired of living.
I really thought I could do this, thought I could do it for my kids but I dont think I can.
It feels so cold where I'm at, so empty.
I dont know how to get out of this place or if I even want to.
Time for some long hard thinking I think:(

Hey welcome home from the party and well done for going

Don't think too hard - you tend to conclude that you shouldn't be here when you do that

Biug hug - thinking of you xxx

Ah bless her :)

What is it you need to think long & hard about? Don't do it if you're trying to convince yourself to give up.

The part of you that's saying this is all pointless is just trying to keep you ill- that's the nature of it, it self-perpetuates. It's not true so don't listen, you're doing so well.

Sounds like you felt a bit lonely last night? You're not alone.

Rhksmum, you need to start a new thread! Only 5 messages left.

What am I doing?
How am I supposed to do this?
It's wrong that I'm here, wrong that I'm messing up their lives by still being here.

Last night made me realise how alone I actually am. How empty I feel, I could just slip away and I dont think anyone would notice.
Sorry I'm just feeling sorry for myself today, just not a good day/week/month/year/life :(

It's ok to feel sorry for yourself, you deserve a bit of kindness and sympathy.

You know it's not true that no one would notice. Your children and your friends would be devastated. Forever. I wish you could see what a positive force you are in their lives.

but thats where I struggle, I dont feel I do deserve any kindness or sympathy.
I wish I could believe that my friwnds and children would be devasted if I wasn't here but I cant see it, all I can see is the damage I'm doing by still being here.

I'm sorry I just dont see any other way of being rid of this pain.

I would miss you - and I would notice it damn quickl if you were gone

And I can think of some others who would. Who would stand up for dd, for ds2?

I know how you feel but the feeling is not based in reality. You have to accept that this is your past talking, and your ptsd and your depression. You do matter and you do deserve love and kindness.

I'm going to start a new thread for you just to prove that

Just one message left to post the link

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