I'm a mess, really strugglin, messed up real bad :-(

[rhksmum]

usin my phone to sort this so please dont give me a hard time for havin no paragraphs. I've been in hidin, last week i did something really stupid and to be honest im lucky im still here. My daughter has been in hospital really un well since saturday and im really strugglin tryin to keep it together for her. I'm tryin to split myself in so many pieces that i have fell apart, its my youngests birthday tomorrow and i wont be there for much of it because im in the hospital with my daughter, its just a mess, i cant cope, just want to walk out of here and not look back, i cant help her, shes really not very well, has to come back in 2 weeks for an operation, its all my fault, if i'd pushed more at the GP'S on friday she may not have got to this, i need to face it im a total screw up. Cpn not in,psychologist not in, no ones in and im not in a good place, I'm sorry

ok
Have just bit the bullet and phoned her
asked her if next week when I see her we can talk about the letter I wrote her before they moved offices, if we could talk about what I had wrote in my book I left with her before they moved offices.
She said that was fine, I asked her not to let me deter(think thats the right word) from it.
I told her between sobs that I was scared I was sabotaging the sessions and she said she knew that was what I was trying to do but she knew me well enough just to let it go.
I tried to tell her a bit about my nightmare but could only get a bit of it out, everything is all muddled up, the past is mixing with the now and I'm struggling to work out whats real and whats not.

She said that if I have anything to talk about eg the court stuff then I can phone her and we an talk about it then.

Still struggling to take it all in, still sat here in tears but at least its out there now

I am sending you a big big hug, rhks.

I don't know you, I don't know your story, but you have been very brave, and you deserve someone to give you a hug and hold your hand.

She sounds like a sensible woman. She does her job because she WANTS to - so pay her the compliment of trusting her and asking for her help whenever you need it. I her shoes I would be glad to help if I could.

That's good, that's really good!

She sounds very nice and she definitely is there for you, makes herself available to talk to you, v.good.

One step forward. Bravo.

rhks I'm stupidly proud of you woman x

really bad night
really struggled
still not with it
feel so numb and empty

rhks I'm not surprised you had a bad night after you opened up yesterday. It is a big thing to do. Be patient with yourself x

How are you tonight?

Tonight...Today
They all seem to merge together
Supposed to be taking my youngest to the cinema this morning but I'm really struggling to get out the house
I dont feel safe today, and if I go out I know what I will do

Am worried about my daughters operation next week and I stupidly googled it and now I'm in a panic over what can go wrong

and you know whats the most stupid of it all..
I'm atually panicing and worrying about Gordon Brown
I dont do politics, I'm not fussed who gets in, but I'm worried about him, worried what he will do now, worried about his kids and I cant shake this feeling of dread. Told you it was stupid

Feels like someone has pressed fast forward in my head and everything is going so fast I cant slow it down, I'm reaching out to try and slow it down but all I can see is faces laughing at me, fingers pointing at me, the voices are so loud I cant hear anything else
I'm sorry

rhks calm down hun

it is so normal to be worried about her op - 9 out of 10 on here would be the same. I certainly would x

Worrying about GB is just an escape route for your brain - it is safer to worry about GB than to deal with your own huge problems.

Just take it hour by hour and do what you can - I have to do the same today.

And you are not stupid!

Did you manange to go to the movies with dd?

I agree with willsurvive re Gordon Brown. I know it's not funny for you, but will you permit me a - poor little Gordon!

I would be freaking out about the op as well. I am in a state of permanent anxiety about my kids, as are 99% of other mums.

What are you sorry for? WE're not some sort of tribunal that passes verdicts on your posts- we're here to support you and lend an ear when you want to talk.x

rhks just re read your post - don't do anything stupid PLEASE - come talk to me instead or call Samaritans or whatever.

rhks- how are you?

Hope you're allright. x

I'm sorry, been avoiding here, everything went belly up, not sure if I'm alright or not but I lived to tell the tale

Have got cpn tomorrow so guess I need to try and tell her whats going on in my head because I dont think the next time I will be here to tell the tale.

I'm so sorry to hear you're still feeling so down. I'm not sure how to interpret your first sentence- did you try again?
Definitely speak to the psy tomorrow- tell her everything.
Please don't do anything stupid. You can get through it and your children need you very much. Don't do this to them.
I'll be thinking of you tomorrow.

Yes I tried again, not proud of it

I really tried to speak to cpn today but didnt do a very good job, I know what I have to say, but the words just dont come out, the voices wont let them, the same with writing it, it just wont come.

Watching Home and Away earlier I was shocked at how much like Miles I was, how his imaginary friend(or what ever she is) Rabbit controls him, needs to be kept a secret, I dont see anyone, but I do hear them and there is always a constant battle going on in my head over who is in charge and who I can tell things to.

I dont know if any of this makes sense, because it doesnt to me.

Got the social worker coming tonight to see out how she can help with my daughter going into hospital tomorrow, she's a bit late in offering help as everything is worked out now as to where the boys are going, but I will see her anyway

Okay, look. I think you need to check yourself into a hospital. Did you tell your psy that you tried to kill yourself again?

I know you worry about loosing your children- can you speak to someone to find out whether your fears are founded? And if you will not stay at the hospital, but will take your life, then your children will end up with no mother at all.

Right now, your wellbeing is the most important thing. You're going through a really horrible time, it seems, and it's not just a 'little' depression (sorry, don't mean to be patronising, of course you know that it's not)- your state warrants admittance to the hospital and professional, full-on care. If there's a good chance the doctors there will help you and make you feel better, why would you not take it? I have a feeling that despite the nightmare you're going through you are still fighting, you know there are things and people worth living for. Don't lose courage, don't give up and most importantly, don't hang in this awful limbo you're in now.

And even though I realise that all the voices you hear are a result of the awful experiences you had and a medical illness- so it's not easy to deal with them at all-but please don't let them fuck your life up now. Those people that hurt you deserve to be hung and quartered- YOU deserve to have a good life, with your children, friends and just being you iyswim.

Call up your psy, tell her about how desperate you are and let her advise you re hospital. You need people taking care of you now, helping you to get stronger.

x

Things aren't any better, dont have any energy at all to do anything so on that point I'm safe.

My daughters operation was cancelled, they waited until she was getting tok to theatre before they decided they couldn't do it. She has sleep apnea and they said she is too high risk to do it here so she has to go to the sick kids hospital where she will have to go to HDU/ICU after it.
I ended up crying my eyes out in the nurses room as what I thought was a simle ooeratin they had now made into something so big and serious. I was angry at them but I know they were putting my daughters safety first, but they weren't the ones that had had to sit up all Monday night being sick and panicing about the operation.

Came home from hospital still bawling my eyes out and after trying for 3 hours I managed to get a hold of my psychologist who managed to calm me down.

Fastforward to today, phoned the ENT consultant, was told that she will get brought in for a sleep study to check her apneas, if that goes ok they will do the operation at a later date, if she does have apneas while in then she has to be refered to sick kids hospital and will continue under their care for the forseeable future.

I feel like I'm being punished all over again, I have nothing left to give, I'm existing but thats it, have no energy to hurt myself so I guess thats a good thing although it doesn't feel like it.

Phoned cpn today but not heard back from her, so guess it will be tomorrow before I hear anything now,

rhks I am going to repeat this until you are totally sick of hearing it (you probably already are) - you are not being punished for talking about what happened to you through your DDs health x

willsurvive
Your probably right, I just dont have the energy to try and process it all.

Slept for a wee bit this afternoon but the nightmares were horrible, I'm scared to close my eyes.
Got psychologist tomorrown not looking forward to it, had great plans for this week, was gonna buy a plant for her room so I had something to focus on and it might make the room less clinical but thats gone out the window. Forgot to collect my prescription today so I dont have any of my medication, will have to get that tomorrow.

Good idea to buy a plant for her room. Even if you are not getting round to doing it this week do you have a photo of dcs/something you are attached to that you can take in tomorrow?

So glad you phoned her too and allowed her to calm you down. Can you try to talk about this punishment thing with her? I think she will understand.