I'm a mess, really strugglin, messed up real bad :-(

[rhksmum]

usin my phone to sort this so please dont give me a hard time for havin no paragraphs. I've been in hidin, last week i did something really stupid and to be honest im lucky im still here. My daughter has been in hospital really un well since saturday and im really strugglin tryin to keep it together for her. I'm tryin to split myself in so many pieces that i have fell apart, its my youngests birthday tomorrow and i wont be there for much of it because im in the hospital with my daughter, its just a mess, i cant cope, just want to walk out of here and not look back, i cant help her, shes really not very well, has to come back in 2 weeks for an operation, its all my fault, if i'd pushed more at the GP'S on friday she may not have got to this, i need to face it im a total screw up. Cpn not in,psychologist not in, no ones in and im not in a good place, I'm sorry

I tried to talk to her 2 weeks ago about how I feel like I'm being punished, and I'll give her her due she did try and talk me out of it, tried to put it a different way, but I couldn't see it, I cant see how I'm not being punished, they always said bad things would happen if I told and if I tried to find a way out, and now not only have I told, I have tried to get out, look whats happened, my daughter dosnt desreve all this, me on the other hand...well thats a whole new thread.

Spoke to psychologist tonight again, she said yesterday she would phone me today and when it got to 5pm and there was no phonecall I did my usual, but at 7pm she phoned, said she knew it was late but had promised she would phone.
She asked if I wanted to cancel tomorrows session as I sounded really tired and deflated but I told her I really needed to see her as I felt I was slipping further and further down. She did remember what I wanted to talk about which I had hoped she had forgot.

I just want to sleep but I'm soo scared

What a nightmare with your daughter's op. Weren't they aware before of the apneas? Still, at least they're doing everything they can to operate safely-that's good. I presume apneas are a risk for GA?

Of course you're not being punished. First of all, we're not 'punished' for anything in life and even if you did believe in karma, surely you don't think you would be 'punished' for something others did to you?

Keep on talking to the psy. Does she know that you tried to take your life? I think it's very important you tell her.

Oh, and you're were and are very brave for speaking about your abuse.

They knew she had sleep apnea and possibly narcalepsy(sp), when she was in 2 weeks ago they were told, the anaesthetist said there was a big sheet in the back of her file saying all this and didn't understand why she was down on the list

Psychologist knows about first attempt, not the second.

I guess tomorrow is the time to tell her

whats the f*cking point
please tell me because right now I dont know
I'm sick of it
I've had it
Is it urgent
well how the hell am I suposed to know,
yes I dont want to be here but I also dont want to be a bother,
I dont want to inconvenience anyone

It doesnt matter anymore
I've tried I really have but I have nothing left to give

rhks - that the choc teapot you're trying to get hold of or your psych? Yes it is urgent now or you'll never talk.

I know you had a hard time there today and that you're tired. Keep breating it will pass xx

been trying to get hold of chocolate teapot since tuesday, she left a message today saying she's really busy she wil try get me tomorrow if not it will be next week

tried phoning psychologist this afternoon, was told she is in with a client, fair enough, she would pass on that i called and to call me back, well they have closed now and shes not back in until next week

this talking stuff is too hard, it hurts, i dont want it, i want none of it, i dont want to breath, i dont want to be here anymore, my kids deserve so much more than i can give them, they dont need to keep coming home to find their mum in tears everyday
its not fair on them

like I say it doesnt matter anymore

It still does matter xx

I haven't forgotten what you told me last night, I know today is a really tough day. Been thinking about you. Keep going xxx

Oh rhksmum. I really want to put my arms around you. I am so sorry you are suffering. I have felt desperation too. I had a time when I didn't want to wake up again...but i did....and i'm so SO grateful now that i did. I have truly thought that my children would be better off without me, and it's only when the fog clears that i see that it's not the case- they need me more than anything, even if I get it wrong, or even if get it very wrong. Yours do too. Please get as much help as you can. Please get as much sleep as you can so your mind has a chance to rest.Keep going.This awful time will pass. Just keep going. xxxxx

I'm sorry everyone, you have all been soo nice to me and I do appreciate it even if at times it doesn't look or seem like it.

I am scared, more scared than I think I have been in my life, I feel so vulnerable and lonely.

Today has been really hard, I lost my first baby 18 yrs ago today and have never really had the chance to talk about it, it has been brushed under the carpet for so long becuse I felt I was to blame, then I think if I hadn't lost it which one of my children that are here now would I not have had.
I remember the Dr's words after I had come back from theatre, telling me that I had to undergo counselling because I was a risk to other mums, that I may try and snatch their babies
I never told anyone about this until today and I guess for long enough I beleived him.
When I lost my baby my friend had just had hers and I found it soo hard to be around her and him, and now this week my other friend has just had her baby.

I think the past few weeks have finally caught up with me and I'm falling apart, I'm trying to stay strong for my children but I dont have the energy anymore, I wasnt someone to make it ok, I want to be looked after, not forever, even if its just for an hour, I just want to be held and to be able to cry feeling safe, but I'm kiding myself that thats going to ever happen

It will happen.

At teh darkest times, we jsut want an arm around us to keep us safe and secure and to now someone cares.

We are all huggin you though this and you will be able to find someone in RL to do this for you.

Take care.

We're all thinking about you. Even if we don't know each other in rl, you are not alone.
Your children love you and need you- they really do- losing their mother would be devastating for them and so, so much worse than the fact that they see you depressed. Really and truly. You've been so brave- just hold on tight xxx

Even more hugs - you are feeling your loss so keenly now because you can only surpress grief for so long. Then it just finds it way to the surface when you are already low.

You were dealt with insensitively - God knows you needed counselling but not for the reason given.

I so know that need for someone to hold me, care for me and make me feel safe. Talked about it in counselling only today.

ADQ is right we are all hugging you through this and the reason we keep coming back to your thread is because we want to support you. No one makes us, we just want to. Accept it.

And think of the beautiful baby you never had, and the beautiful babies that did make it xxx

I'm so sorry about the loss of your baby, and all the years of suffering and mixed up feelings you have endured since.
It's amazing how negative words from medical professionals have the power to stay in our minds for many years.It was wrong of that doctor to treat you as he did.

I understand your need to be cared for for a while. I have had times myself when I have been desperate for someone to metaphorically scoop me up and carry me along for a while until I have the energy to manage myself again.

Like other ladies here have said, I really want to help to support you through this. I would love to put my arms so you could just sob.

Please try to get as much sleep as you can tonight. Thinking of you. Keep going xxxx

How was your night? Did you manage some sleep? x

Didn't get any sleep, can't close my eyes

Finally managed to get a hold of my cpn, told her about what happened with my daughter and her operation, or should I say lack of it, tried to say what was going on in my head but I couldn't, I'm too ashamed

I've messed up good and proper, and no amount of super glue is going to put it back together

Hugs from me here, to join with others.

Glad you got hold of cpn - and able to speak.
Do let her know about 2nd attempt, so they ccna offer you that extra support.

After my 2nd attempt, doing anything that stopped me being with children was not an issue for them but it helped raise my profile and the extra support that I was then entitled to if I wanted it.

Most cpn/psych's have heard lots of things - just like me being too ashamed to have interneal tests when people paid to do those tests all day every day.

Hope you can explain things in person and realise you not messed things up.

Hi rhksmum,

Been thinking of you.

Keziahhopes seems to have personal experience of what you are going through, and gives some good advice.

I agree that whatever you share with professionals in mental health, they would have dealt with people with similar issues. They're there to help you and your family.
Please consider sharing all that you need to share with those professionals that are trying to help.

How have your children, especially your daughter been the last couple of days?

Keep going rhksmum. Hugs , Lou xxx

I feel like I'm living on borrowed time,
I dont feel anything anymore

You know how people say there's always light at the end of the tunnel, well I think some one stole my light

I haven't slept in 2 days, am really shakey, I have to go shopping tomorrow for a prom dress for my daughter and I can see it far enough, it has to be done but I dont want to go out, its not safe

You are not living on borrowed time. This time and this bit of space on the planet belong to you no matter how hard they have tried to take it away from you. They are a waste of space. You are not.

The light is still there, believe me, you will see it again x

You will cope with buying the prom dress. You will put your facade on and you will cope.

Why would it not be safe? What's out there that is unsafe?

Keep going hun it will get better.

Are you taking any medication to help you to sleep? If not, would you be able to get a prescription from your doctor. Anyone would be struggling on the tiny amount of sleep that you are getting. Are you eating ok?

There is a light at the end of your tunnel. The fog that you are in caused by having so SO much to deal with all at once has made it hard for you to see it. But you will see it again. You will have sunny days again rhksmum.

Thinking of you, Lou xxx

Will it really?

Will I ever get to the stage where I can look at myself and not feel sick or be disgusted in what I see?

Will it ever stop hurting?

I believe it will. But it will involve at some stage you accepting it wasn't all your fault. You know I think that as I harper on about it all the time. And that's not a switch you can flick but something to just keep plugging away at.