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Original poster

I'm a mess, really strugglin, messed up real bad :-(

999 replies

rhksmum · 27/04/2010 13:43

usin my phone to sort this so please dont give me a hard time for havin no paragraphs. I've been in hidin, last week i did something really stupid and to be honest im lucky im still here. My daughter has been in hospital really un well since saturday and im really strugglin tryin to keep it together for her. I'm tryin to split myself in so many pieces that i have fell apart, its my youngests birthday tomorrow and i wont be there for much of it because im in the hospital with my daughter, its just a mess, i cant cope, just want to walk out of here and not look back, i cant help her, shes really not very well, has to come back in 2 weeks for an operation, its all my fault, if i'd pushed more at the GP'S on friday she may not have got to this, i need to face it im a total screw up. Cpn not in,psychologist not in, no ones in and im not in a good place, I'm sorry

OP posts:
jonicomelately · 27/04/2010 13:51

Try to be positive. Is there anybody you can talk to? If you are blaming yourself for not spotting the signs of something being wrong or pushing the point with doctors, don't. Lots of people have made the same 'mistake.'

Can I ask why you are hiding? Are you hiding from a person or a problem?

jonicomelately · 27/04/2010 13:56

Are you OK?

Original poster
rhksmum · 27/04/2010 13:58

im hidin from life, i dont have anyone really to talk about how im feelin, feel like iv messed up everything, i feel so helpless, i cant help her, i cant help myself. I really wish i hadnt woke up last week

OP posts:
scurryfunge · 27/04/2010 14:01

Get an urgent appointment with your GP or phone the crisis team and tell them how you are feeling. Who is looking after your other daughter now?

jonicomelately · 27/04/2010 14:01

Is there a walk-in clinic you can go to get some help? If you can't what about getting some sleep? I get the sense you are very tired.

You are going through a very tough time but your eldest will be OK and with help so will you.

You are scared, very scared, as lots of us are when our children are unwell.

Take deep breaths.

jonicomelately · 27/04/2010 14:10

Let us know when you've contacted someone in rl and keep posting if you need to

cpanda · 27/04/2010 15:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
rhksmum · 28/04/2010 00:03

No one to contact in RL, tried everyone I could think of and they weren't available.

I feel so alone, so useless.
Came home from the hospital at 10pm and have just wrapped up youngest sons birthday presents, need to be back at hospital for 8.30,
I'm physically drained but I cant sleep.

Had to cancel CPN appointment tomorrow as I will be at the hospital with my daughter.

I dont have anything left to give to any of them,
I feel so useless and helpless.

OP posts:
winnybella · 28/04/2010 00:12

How can you say you're useless to them? You're their mum and they love you and need you. Can you imagine how would they feel if you were not there for them anymore?

You must be exhausted. Is there any way you can try to relax a bit and get a few hours of sleep? And then I guess you need to rework/ have someone rework the strategy for dealing with your depression. Do you think you could plan to see someone in the next few days to discuss that?

If you're feeling like you can't take it anymore, you need to go to A&E now.

Keziahhopes · 28/04/2010 00:14

Rhksmum - things sound stressful.It is the Gp's job to spot things, and it sounds like daughter in best place and getting treatment. Is there anyone you can share the load with being in hospital?

If cannot see CPN, could you still talk on phone during that slot for part of the time, just to fill cpn in on what going on foryou right now. Remember if cpn not in you can ask to talk to the duty worker at the cpn's office, or contact crisis team. Could you share your concerns about daughter with hospital team where she is, they may be able to reassure you and offer support.

Being there is something you can give them RKHSMum...

you matter, however you may feel.

winnybella · 28/04/2010 00:15

I actually read few of your posts on the other thread, and so I realise you're dealing with very tough issues- I wasn't trying to minimise them, just that if you're feeling that low right now, you need to see someone now to get through it.

winnybella · 28/04/2010 00:20

I reread your OP- please don't feel guilty about not being more assertive with the GP-it is very difficult to argue with them, they always know best etc etc- really, it's not your fault.
You are NOT a screw up. You sound like a loving mother that's in a really shitty place now, but you can get through it, even if it seems impossible now.

winnybella · 28/04/2010 00:31

rhksmum- are you ok?

Tolalola · 28/04/2010 03:13

hi rhksmum are you still up? are you ok?

willsurvivethis · 28/04/2010 06:14

RHKS just a reminder - you know where I am -anytime. My phone's been stolen so nothing goes beep when you send a message but i will keep checking.

Guys RHKS would love to sleep but that's one of the biggest problems right now

Original poster
rhksmum · 28/04/2010 14:11

she's getting discharged today and I'm glad but now I'm worried, she's on the mend and now I have to think about me spoke to cpn briefly this morning but couldn't say what I needed to, I cant stop crying, I have to keep leaving her room so she doesn't see me. My ex is being a pig, nothing new there but its not helpin me, I'm barely functioning, feel like such a failure, have to go home and be all smiley for my youngest sons birthday and all I want to do is run away, hurt myself. Got psychologist in morning but thats only if I can find a babysitter for my daughter, why is it so hard, I need to go but dont want to, it's me offices shes in and im terrified. Arghhhh I hate myself so much

OP posts:
cpanda · 28/04/2010 15:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jonicomelately · 28/04/2010 21:09

Well done for getting through a tough 24 hours

Original poster
rhksmum · 28/04/2010 21:28

sorry that should say new offices

Reality has just set in

I'm so useless at this, I've messed up my youngest's birthday, shouted at him tonight, I've barely seen him in days and his one special day and I ruin that for him to.

I really wish I hadn't woke up last week, I really wish it had worked,

Doesn't matter anyone, just another thing I messed up

OP posts:
CB13 · 28/04/2010 21:41

rhksmum, should you call the samaritans or nhs direct about how you are feeling? Are you taking anti-depressants? Your feelings are not caused by you, it's like an illness. You're depressed and you need help, you're spiraling, try to pick out one positive thing and focus on that. We call get cross with our children; they can't control their behaviour always. He will remember the party, not your shouting. Worst case bring your daughter to the psychologist, don't miss the appointment whatever you do. I think you need a psychiatrist; ask for a referral. You need to be selfish for your children's sake. Do you have any family or friend you can lean on?

willsurvivethis · 28/04/2010 21:55

RHKS I'm glad it did't work and you are still here xxx

I'm online if you wanna talk

don't beat yourself up for shouting, would have been better for him if you hadn't but with the amount of stress you are under..

Keziahhopes · 28/04/2010 22:01

rhksmum -I am glad you work up (and i woke up when is such bad place too) and still here.

There will be plenty of other special days with youngest and you can create special times when you up to it too. It is amazing what kids don't remember though!

Original poster
rhksmum · 29/04/2010 12:14

it's all spiraling out of control

told psychologist how I was feeling, what I had done, she mentioned hospital, but I cant do that, she says she will phone cpn to tell her how I'm feeling, she's also phoned social work to see if they can help with anything,
Came home from appointment and s/w were phoning, she wantsto come this afternoon to see us, I agreed but have now just canelled and asked her if she can come tomorrow, I just want some normality, just want my youngest to come home from school to me, to do a normal thing,
apart from the fact I'm still really angry with them all, I'm worried that I'll end up losing it with her.

I dont like the new room that shes in, it feels really cold, really clinical, I hate that you have to walk out past everyone in the waiting room, they all looked at me, no wonder though, I was a mess, red eyes from crying,
still cant function, still struggling big time, house is a disaster, my lifes a mess, i cant keep going

OP posts:
winnybella · 29/04/2010 13:00

The sw is coming tomorrow, that's good.
Don't worry about dd's hospital room,most important is that she's getting treated and soon she'll be out.
I think people being upset/crying in the hospital is quite a common sight- anybody looking at you would just feel sympathy.
Keep on seeing the psychologist, try to make look at other options re medication, therapy etc.
You must be suffering so much, but you do keep going, so there's some fight left in you.Don't give up.

Original poster
rhksmum · 29/04/2010 19:52

sorry, my last message was probably all topsy turvey,
My daughters been discharged from hospital,
Psychologist moved offices and I cant cope with new room.

Doesn't look like s/w is coming tomorrow, she didn't return my call today, didnt really expect her to.
Pyschologist phoned me back this afternoon, ended up in a state again, I cant do this crying, its not allowed, its wrong, she said couldn't get hold of cpn so I will have to try and explain to her whats been going on.

Nothing matters anymore, everything feels so pointless, I feel so worthless.
I'm totally drained, emotionally, mentally and physically.

I want out

OP posts: