Fighting Our Way Back Up - the depression list thread!

[MathsMadMummy]

Thanks to ToccataAndFudge for the name

Right, so this is where those of us with depression can write our lists of daily achievements!

...hopefully tomorrow's list will be better than today's...

Happy Easter

I'm trying to summon the energy to go and grab a shower before church (have to leave in just over 1/2hr)

Stilll need to get DS3 dressed as well.

Happy Easter everyone! We're off to the in-laws today and although I am very, very fond of the in-laws I get really grumpy when we go round there because we just sit around all day and I can't help thinking 'I could be at home cleaning / ironing / going to the park with the DSs but instead I am here making small talk'. Bahhh humbug! I feel guilty about being so ungrateful because they cook us a lovely Sunday lunch when we go there.

ok played at church, got given an Easter Egg each for the DS's from someone that helps run the creche, went to the shop on the way home (was out of tobacco), came home made lunch for the DS's (and myself) eating is going ok at the moment, stil not loads, but reasonably(ish) regular.

Oh and I managed to have a shower and find some clean clothes to put on before church and hang some washing around the house to dry.

Ds managed to throw up in 4 different rooms still havent got it all out the carpet yet

urgh LM how vile kids were saying yesterday they were feeling sick but luckily no splurge

they have just gone off with their dad and I have been crying again...this is always my darkest time, when they have just gone. I need to find a way to value my own time but I just feel so awful about not being with them.

I used to hate it when ds went to his dads I felt lost without him and the house seemed so quiet.

yeah that sounds about right LM Dh is obsessed with strict 50:50 so it seems I just get used to running my life around the little terrors and then they vanish.

I was talking to someone recently who said it's much harder for the parents than the kids in that sort of situation and I have to bear that in mind and hope they grow up happy with the arrangement. Am going to give up work soonish (once I've finished this flaming book) and then will be with them both every day even if I do have to deliver to ex's house 3/4 nights a week.

It gets me down so much though, I feel such a failure as a mother, if only I'd known how this would feel and I would have worked harder at my marriage etc etc...pointless rumination. Part of depression of course.

Alle, I completely understand, I am going through the whole guilt thing too, if only I did this or if only I had got help for the pnd I obviously had etc but my hv keeps giving me a row about that train of thought as it isnt the present and it cant be changed, but sometimes I seriously wish I could change the past.

I sometimes found putting music on really loud helped as then there was some noise there not just the dreaded silence.

I have to confess I don't mind the DS's going off to their dad's mind it took some getting used to last time round, havent' actually had any time off from them since I moved on the 6th March.

Been asleep on the sofa most of the afternoon so nothing done, and just shoved a quick dinner in the oven, late.

ds is just up so have had to make his tea, ended up giving him scrambled eggs dont fancy any more decorating today.

Toccata I couldnt find you on fb.

hi all
having a terrible night tonight, mum and dad took me down the pub and I started crying at the table and had to be taken home how embarrassing.

Very sad because my mum won't seem to support me in my attempt to get rid of H's precious nanny and do the childcare myself. I just need that sense that my family at least are in my corner and I don't have it. I feel so horribly alone.

Anyway enough moaning. Not done a lot today. Was doing riot control with the boys this a.m. before their dad came and now I'm closeted up with the computer again.

Toccata I reckon if my H were never actually having the kids I'd be desperate for him to come and have them too! It's just the 50:50 I struggle with especially now I've given up work and he still insists on his nanny whipping them off on 'his' days so I end up not seeing them for 3/4 days. I think I've got very emotionally dependent on their company (I know, not good) as have few real friends in London. All the nice supportive people I meet in RL and on MN seem to be from north of London for some reason!

alle, I know how it feels to think your parents arent backing you. I currently lead I think at last count 4-5 versions of the same life depending on who I am talking to, my mother isnt supportive so at the moment we arent talking but well at least I have peace.

I would come see you if I were closer but I am probably as far away as anyone could get.

Hi, can I join too? Or is this only for PND? I've been struggling since December because in order to save my sanity so I can raise my children I have had to cut all ties with my parents. I have so far avoided going to doc because I know medication would be on order, I have never taken any in my life and I don't want to start now. But I am finding each day/night very hard.

Hi seashore, of course you can join, not all of us are suffering from PND. I suffer at the moment really badly from depression / anxiety and also haven't been coping that well since Christmas

aw sorry to hear that seashore- I have nearly been there myself in terms of cutting ties with parents. They treat me like an idiot and hurt me so much a lot of the time.

of course you can join the merry band of fighting-back depressed mums :D

tbh if medication would help is it really the end to take it?

I am on citalopram and mood stabilisers. Not sure how much good they're doing though....

LM- I know, all the people I want to meet seem to be in Scotland/Newcastle/Birmingham. Something about me and London just doesn't gel. Dreading going back there next week to sit on my own for half the week. Need to find some way of getting through all this. Atm just crying and crying

btw seashore this def isn't just PND, my youngest is 3 so don't think I can qualify for that ;)

LM, yes I know what you mean about 4 or 5 versions of the same life. People end up taking weird positions when you split up with someone don't they.

Thanks Little Marshmellow, I've found mn a great distraction from my troubles during this time. I have a 9 mth old ds and I don't know how I have avoided PND, with each birth my parents give it their best shot. (They did the same 3 yrs ago when I had dd, I should have cut ties then)I'm finding it near impossible to get any sleep because of anxiety.

seashore- anyone can join

allegrageller- I sympathise with the parents thng, my family have totally abandoned me again now I've separated from XH again.

Doesn't suprise me, and not hurt this time round, they did that last time round by leaving me on my own when I was at the lowest i'd ever been, and pointing the finger of blame at me.

They have no idea what happened last September.......doubt they ever will.

My brother is at least talking to me now, but even he sides with my parents........keeping thing neutral with him as much as I can seen as though he hasn't totally cut me out (of course my parents make out that "I" have cut them out and don't want to contact them............well I dont' now but I did then

Oh it's so complicated to explain it. Basically they think they've done nothing wrong ...........and it's all me.

Anyhow, haven't had too bad a day, very emotional and ready to burst into tears any minute, but I have got some stuff done today, just got another load of washing in, the dishwasher is loaded and ready to go and I've hung up the other clothes to dry.

alle, yeah they do, worse for me was when I was at xh's funeral people actually made snide comments.

I am currently trying to work out how I am going to make it through my mil's wedding in July for the full day with ds and all of h's family, there will need to be drink involved.

I too am on drugs although they have increased the dosage, alle might be worthwhile trying to get yours looked at?

If you are ever Scotland bound come say Hi, my ds is also 3.5 btw

You're all so lovely, I'm really glad I found this thread, got to go now ds has woken and is crying, but I'll be back! It's great to know I'm not the only one struggling. Thanks all of you

oh LittleMarshMallow - where abouts in Scotland are you - I'm coming up for 2 weeks in August (staying in Edinburgh but "can travel" (via public transport).

Are you a MN fan? I've just "liked" the latest update on their wall (actually I have no interest in it at all, but figured it would be an easy way to hopefully find me.....)

aw no Toccata sorry to hear that on top of everything else your parents are being shite.

good one on the domestic progress! I cleaned parents' house this morning from top to bottom but then I clean and tidy more when I'm depressed...

I know what you mean about not being hurt, you can go numb over these things I think. For some reason I always keep hoping my parents will back me up and stop siding with xh and they never do. So I still end up hurting over them- will I never learn....

Guess having insensitive parents is one reason we're all depressed, no shit Sherlock! :D

LM sorry xh died, whatever your relations with him that must have been hard.

yeah I'm back at the GP next week when I get back to London. I am already on 40mg citalopram though so fairly high dose...

Hey Toccata, I am near Glasgow but I am over in Edinburgh at times taking ds there tomorrow, definitely should catch up in August I shall be here

I found you on fb but I can add you or send a message maybe settings or something tis weird.

ahh ok - can you like the post as well and I'll try and add you (I do have my settings odd I think)

LM I love Scotland to bits but the midges love me too much too!

I may well be up soonish as often take short hols there. if you want a put-up in London feel free too, we are in zone 3 but near enough to Brixton to get the tube in to town.

xx