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Original poster

Fighting Our Way Back Up - the depression list thread!

840 replies

MathsMadMummy · 30/03/2010 18:08

Thanks to ToccataAndFudge for the name

Right, so this is where those of us with depression can write our lists of daily achievements!

...hopefully tomorrow's list will be better than today's...

OP posts:
allegrageller · 20/04/2010 09:23

yeah I didn't sleep well either Tocc

I managed breakfast but it was a struggle.....

knackered hope the day picks up...at least weather is nice here, is it good with you?

BeckyBendyLegs · 20/04/2010 09:23

I'm not doing well either TF. I was sooo tired last night I panicked about not sleeping and took diazepam. I hate, hate, hate taking any drugs at all, esp for sleep. So I woke up feeling really down and depressed that I failed last night. I didn't want to get up. I didn't want to do anything but DH made me and told me 'you need to be positive, you need to do this'. So I'm back from the school run and the house is quiet. I don't want to do anything. DS3 is asleep in the pushchair. I feel groggy and I really don't like myself. I have been feeling positive all the way to school, chatted to my friends, postiive all the way back, but now I'm home I'm convincing myself the insomnia is back again, the anxiety is back again, and I'm a failure at everything. I know this is the depression talking but I can't stop these horrible negative thoughts.

I just want to curl up too.

toccatanfudge · 20/04/2010 09:26

oh fuck it just gets worse - decided to just print 90 copies out at home in black and white........done 15 copies and realised I'd changed the date but not the month from last month.

Now have to start again.

allegrageller · 20/04/2010 09:30

urgh....I feel your pain tocc. I can't seem to do anything properly atm...

BBL do you find tranx make you feel worse? I hate the grogginess...

think we're all in same place this morning, I just can't concentrate and feel so bloody shite!!

willsurvivethis · 20/04/2010 09:32

Hi all sorry to add to the misery but not great here either. Work yesterday was bad, those of you who've seen the thread will know what I mean.

Spoke to HR and they are letting me go asap (hopefully in two weeks). I will lose some wages but they will pay my redundancy pay (which is nice because strictly they don't have to). So I should feel relieved but i feel defeated, a failure, and low.

Didn't sleep well, woke myself up making some squeaking sounds.I'm aware I was having an abuse related dream but can't remembe it.

Tuesday is our family day off. Today ds and I have a dental checkup - dh is coming to have ds while I have mine. Then we will go out together, walk and lunch kind of thing. Then physio for ds at 4.

I'm so tired and just want to curl up, but better go and have a shower and dress ds.

BeckyBendyLegs · 20/04/2010 09:33

Allegrageller yes I feel like crap today. I hate myself for taking them. They are evil. But I was panicking. I hate myself for being so weak. I just want to cry. I know this negativity is not helping and DH will be so cross with me. He told me not to just sit and obsess and wallow but to do stuff, be active, be proactive.

toccatanfudge · 20/04/2010 09:35

willsurvive - I did see the thread - couldn't quite find the words to type so didn't - sorry

1/3 of the way through printing them out - hope I don't run out of ink.........don't use the printer much, and have loads of paper so hopefully be ok.

willsurvivethis · 20/04/2010 09:39

toccata why the sorry? I had a good moan and one of the people who responded has worked in the same environment for a sister charity and it helped get me through.

Hope the prining goes ok now xx

allegrageller · 20/04/2010 09:41

willsurvive haven't seen your thread but big hugs anyway....work problems suck.

BBL I think tranx make depression worse when they wear off. Have to say, easy for DH to take that position when it isn't him who is depressed. Although I am sure he is trying his best to help...sometimes it's hard to accept help eh.

xx all, we WILL get through today!

BeckyBendyLegs · 20/04/2010 09:49

We will. We can be strong. I'm not worried about being too chirpy today! I wish I could be, that was a nice worry

Allegrageller that would explain why I feel worse today than I did yesterday when I was tired. I feel like my head is not my own.

allegrageller · 20/04/2010 09:54

yeah I really don't think they help in the end bbl- I've had some very, very odd effects with them.

No no worries about being chirpy here either!! heheh. I neeeeed to work but all I can do is make coffee and think about going out to buy fags...(I gave up last week but after having a drink last week, the addiction has resurfaced )

x

toccatanfudge · 20/04/2010 09:54

ok printing is done, used just over a 1/3 of my ink but that's life, couldn't face going over to church to do it.

Still need to get DS3 and I dressed and we have to be out of here in 15 minutes.

Really don't feel up to this sketch this morning.....

toccatanfudge · 20/04/2010 09:55

I'm not even thinking about attempting to give up the fags at the moment. Some days I live on caffeine and nicotine - it's all that gets me through

rhksmum · 20/04/2010 09:57

I thought I could do this, kids have gone to school, they had to get themselves sorted because I couldn't do anything

I hadn't cut for 2 weeks because the kids were here, now they aren't I've fallen right back into it, have made a right mess of my arms
God I'm so stupid, so pathetic,

LittleMarshmallow · 20/04/2010 09:58

I'm having a bad day too sorry.

Finally fell asleep at 2ish only to have to get up at 6 faffed around was late to take ds to his new childminder got lost and stuck in traffic which stresses me out big time. Am now home with a huge list of stuff I need to do but want to go hide in my bed from the world

LittleMarshmallow · 20/04/2010 10:05

rhksmum - You ARE definitely not stupid or silly. You are trying to cope and although SH is not a good coping method it is exactly that. As you recover you are going to have relapses. Is your arm ok?

BeckyBendyLegs · 20/04/2010 10:07

What is it about sleep and depression? With me I find a bad night leads to the depression and when I sleep well I'm much, much happier. Is this the same for everyone? Does depression cause the sleep problems or visa versa?

In my case I think I had PND ever since DS3 was born. I spent the first six weeks in a state of high anxiety (but sleeping well between feeds, etc) and then after Christmas the sleep went big style. I didn't feel 'depressed' as such then. But then once the sleep went, I felt terrible and low and not worthy of this planet. Gradually the sleep has got better but every time it goes again, the depression comes back. So I'm not sure, in my case, what is causing what.

allegrageller · 20/04/2010 10:10

bbl they do say depression and sleep is a vicious cycle. I couldn't sleep when had newborn babies- and it would send me into a flat spin.

Do you ever get the sleep too much thing? I find that almost as bad...just not able to get out of bed...

rhksmum you are not stupid, you're doing what you can but you're suffering. I wish I could be there to stop you hurting yourself though sweetheart you deserve better. xxx

allegrageller · 20/04/2010 10:12

yeah Tocc, I am definitely going out for some fags... I feel twitchy today and they really help with that... I can't eat much atm, caffeine and nicotine is not a good long term diet eh

BeckyBendyLegs · 20/04/2010 10:15

DS3 is awake, we're watching Outnumbered on BBC iplayer. I love this programme.

I never sleep too much at the moment. It is definitely lack of sleep that is causing me anxiety.

LittleMarshmallow · 20/04/2010 10:19

I used to sleep fine, wasn't really till I started having flashbacks from November that I cant sleep.

BeckyBendyLegs · 20/04/2010 11:18

I used to sleep great too, until DS3 came along.

allegrageller · 20/04/2010 11:19

never have slept well, never will I reckon!

nicotine levels now back up...so why cant' I flippin concentrate...

LittleMarshmallow · 20/04/2010 11:22

Alle - prob because you are stressing about it? What time did the boys have you up this morning?

rhksmum · 20/04/2010 11:27

My arms ok, thanks for asking, just a bit sore.

Sleep is a sore subject here too. Haven't been to bed yet, only slept (if you can call it that) for 2 hrs the night before. I'm now at that shakey stage