Fighting Our Way Back Up - the depression list thread!

[MathsMadMummy]

Thanks to ToccataAndFudge for the name

Right, so this is where those of us with depression can write our lists of daily achievements!

...hopefully tomorrow's list will be better than today's...

Sat here crying ds screaming can't settle him and he wont eat. Thanks for hugs needed it.

I'm sending you a hug too Buttons. I'm also struggling today. DS3 being lovely though making me feel guilty for feeling crap. He keeps smiling at me, the little tinker!

I spent the 2 week hol's feeling guilty that I didn't take dc out, now they're back at school I'm panicking about going out, it just doesn't seem fair. I'm fed up of putting on a brave face.

Buttons where abouts do you stay? If it is in Scotland I could maybe give you a hand.

How old is ds? I found with ds putting music on and giving him a cuddle and walking around the room seems to help calm him even now that he is 3.5

Tried phoning cpn today, needed to talk, but hung up the minute she answered

Phoned lawyer, now waiting for a call back from her, not looking forward to that

Got psychologist this week but I'm worried she wont be there, she was off on holiday last week and I'm panicing she went abroad and wont be back.
I just feel so alone, kids are back at school tomorrow, uniforms need sorting, house is a disaster and I want to run away.

I keep thinking that if I can get to wednesday then I will have a weeks worth of meds,
but right now I dont even see tomorrow

rhksmum - could you try and focus on just today, I am the same that I need to hang on till tomorrow afternoon and I don't how I can do that but I am working on 30 min chunks. So right now I am sorting out ds to go to Edinburgh to meet a friend, which is always complicated as we are eating out.

Littlemarshmallow thank you so much for offer but I'm the opposite end of the country (near Southampton). Ds is 8 months big shock to the system after having 3 dd. Ds is ok as long as he's attached to me, I can't eat I can't go to the loo, I can't do anything or else he just screams like I'm killing him. I've joined a 'baby peep' group at my local sure start centre but I can't face going although I know it'll probably do ds good but I can't face all those strangers starring and judging. I tend to get defensive and close up then sit on my own in a corner.

hi all
big hug for you buttons.
ds1 was like that and it was hell- you can only think that it WILL get better- but that doesn't help much at the time I know.

I sometimes used to put him down for the odd 10-20 mins and go upstairs where I could only faintly hear the screaming- usually if I left him he'd fall asleep! I felt awful but it was better than doing what i really wanted to do i.e. walk out of the front door!

rhksmum are you going through a divorce? (just clocked the 'lawyer' bit)

'next 10 mins' is all we have to get through remember...I know it doesn't always work...

Not going through divorce, trying to sort out contact for kids with my ex, which isn't really working out.

I'm so tired of everything, its not supposed to be like this,
Having kids was supposed to be a happy time, but its not been, its been so much harder than I ever imagined.
I wanted something better for my kids than I had growing up and in a way they have but I'm still a crap mum, have given them a crap life and they really would be better off without me

rhksmum I'm right there with you with the contact thing. My exh thinks his tart is more important than his kids then blames me for it yet i'm the 1 doing everything to make it easy! I've spent 2 1/2 years trying and still not really getting anywhere, feel guilty that I chose him and he's such a shit dad. Luckily my dp is an amazing father to them.

rhksmum I know that's not true and I haven't even met you....

so sorry you don't have support. If you're in London CAT me, I've been where you are and no doubt will be again at some point xxx

Buttons how crap you've had to deal with no contact. I just can't understand these guys who can abandon their kids

unfortunately I'm in Scotland otherwise I would have took you up on that offer.

Buttons, my youngest 2 haven't seen their dad in 8 months, but to him its all about control, my oldest has never seen his dad, I just dont get how any dad could do that to their children

Evening everyone, I haven't posted for a while, things seem to be going unusually well for me of late, which is of course a good thing, but I've been feeling a bit of a fraud being on this thread. I keep lurking to see how you are all getting on. I know that I will struggle from time to time, and hope that I will be welcome back when I do need a little support.

Best wishes to you all

rhksmum where about in Scotland are you ? I might be able to give you a hand if you want obviously.

Took ds for pizza no idea how much sodding hassle it was as pizza hut won't cater for food allergies and tesco were out of stock of pizza bases so had to drive into Edinburgh go to Sainsbury get pizza bases then drive to pizza hut but ds had a good time so I suppose that is all that matter. Due to my parents deciding to land down at 12 instead of 7pm the house is a massive tip we are literally climbing over piles of clothes, washing, ironing, toys, bags of stuff for the attic, ds's elefun is in the hall on the middle floor so far I have fallen over it and the lodger but neither of us have the energy to tidy this late.

really Em, do they not even do nut-free? (though not sure what allergies ds has)- what a pain.

you must be so glad to have him back though :D

my DS's haven't seen there dad on their own for proper "contact" since the start of march - I know it doesn't sound long, but he's not working, and he lives on the next street (literally).

I moved on the 6th March, he was here for 1 1/2hrs on the 7th (but upstairs putting the beds together and keeping an ear open for them while I was at church), and then again on the 14th March when he came round to use my internet.......for 1/2hr.......so didn't really talk to them, he did see DS3 for a few minutes the other week when I went to pick some stuff up from his, but didn't even give him a hug.

Alle - ds decided to be intolerant / allergic who knows, (did I mention the NHS lost all his GP and hospital records when we moved?) to Wheat, Gluten and Lactose so I need to get rice based pizza bases but only Tesco and Sainsburys do them Asda and Morrisons contain milk.

It is nice to have him back even if to sit down you are pulling piles of toys everywhere. I really should be writing ds's care plan for his new childminder tomorrow but I am too tired, it has been a long stressful day and tomorrow is going to be just as bad.

I nearly got offered a job today, but since the manager is being a twat I am probably not going to be taking it. So the job hunt continues.

god TC didn't realise your ex lived on the next street!

What on earth is wrong with these guys- in what universe can you just walk away from your kids....( I know Tocc that yours has 'challenges' but don't we all...)

My mind just boggles. Much as I do not like my ex I would prefer he were fighting and competing with me for the kids' affections (which he sadly does ) than ignoring them...

yeah the mess is something eh LM, I have spent the day mostly picking bits of playdough out of the rug...

What is manager doing to put you off taking job? Though if you have a bad feeling about someone, it's probably right I should think.

littlemarshmallow I'm just outside Glasgow

The manager is annoyed that although I said last week I could start this wednesday, he never got back to me on Friday to confirm this and I realised that I have appointments all this week so the earliest I can now start is a week today but that is inconvenient to him as he is going on holiday.

Then the issue of time off for uni which I stated at the interview I would rather was either annual leave or a pay cut for those hours, has turned into can you work a 40 hr week in 4 days, the job offer apparently hangs on that! Just to add to my stress (and I haven't even had a job offer yet) he was going on about how many extra hours etc I need to work before June at zero pay might I add.

He even had HR call to try and convince me to change my week around for them, when they aren't showing me any flexibility at all which was a key thing I asked for at interview.

I am lucky as ds doesn't get to play with play dough (there is wheat in it) so less hassle. He does how ever have moon sand but that is limited to the kitchen.

I know what its like to battle for contact through the courts it is a never ending cycle of hoop jumping. xh went on holiday last year rather than stay and deal with the facts. To add salt to the wounds he served me court papers on ds's birthday. I just wish we hadn't wasted so much time arguing over everything.

yep next street - and there's a cut through by the church - only takes DS3 (2yr) about 2 minutes to walk from here to there.........exH - about 45 seconds

jeez TC- was he always useless with them when you were together too?

TAF - me and xh used to live along the same street too, would be a 2 min walk. But he was never allowed to come to my house to get ds had to pick him from the train station 15 mins away as it was a Public Place.

One thing that used to keep me sane during the hardest times was that ds wouldn't stay a child forever and he would grow up and nothing could replace my memories of reading ds stories or picking him up when he fell over or even just being there.

he was pretty good with them when we were together, and when we split up 2yrs ago he had then fortnightly right from the start. The last few month or so before I moved out though he hardly spent any time with them - he was either out pissing it up with his mates, or upstairs listening to music/reading.

Turns out DS1 overheard me at some point telling someone that he'd offered to have them for a few days (only during the day to start with due to past events, and building up slowly to ensure stress doesn't trigger anything nasty again) as he's been upset the last few days.

I've had to make up some excuse about him (exH) being busy and "sure he'll ring soon", and I've explained that I'm not stopping him having them (indeed it helps that DS1 knows that I actually do quite relish a break without them as much as he relishes time with his dad without me) and as soon as he rings we'll arrange it.

not doing so well his morning, not helped by taking ages to get to sleep last night and then DS3 waking up at 5am, I eventually gave up trying to get him back to bed in his own room and let him sleep in my bed.......but then woke up at 8.40

DS1 and 2 were up and dressed, but I had to send them to school with no breakfast although shoved an apple and banana in DS2's hand (he's the one more likely to keel over by lunchtime if he's not eaten).

I've just realised I have't printed out the flyer for our after school service at church, so I need to do that and get across to church to photocopy 90 copies of it before 10.15.....as today is the day that we do assembly in the infant school. (we do our after school service once a month, and the day before we always go and take assembly at the school).

We're doing a little sketch today, and whereas yesterday I was ok to reluctantly do it, I can't bear the thought of it today. I'll have to do it, otherwise going to let them down, but I'm not sure I can.

I just want to curl up on the sofa today