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Original poster

Fighting Our Way Back Up - the depression list thread!

840 replies

MathsMadMummy · 30/03/2010 18:08

Thanks to ToccataAndFudge for the name

Right, so this is where those of us with depression can write our lists of daily achievements!

...hopefully tomorrow's list will be better than today's...

OP posts:
BeckyBendyLegs · 18/04/2010 08:28

I've used hypno CD for sleep and I think it is amazing! Works wonders, powerful stuff. I'm convinced I'd still be taking sleeping tablets if it hadn't been for the hypno CD.

willsurvivethis · 18/04/2010 08:49

Hi Kaloki always room for you on here

Sorry about the sh - remember it doesn't make you any less of a person

LittleMarshmallow · 18/04/2010 08:59

Morning all I am planning on doing very little today have a date this afternoon. Am still feeling crappy and my parents have decided to show up tomorrow at 2 instead of 7

rhksmum · 18/04/2010 10:24

Had a really bad night, needed to cut so badly but because the kids are here I couldn't, ended up scratchin myself to bits. Everything seems so pointless, my kids would be better off without me, I know they would, I just mess up their lives by being here

Kaloki · 18/04/2010 10:52

Thankyou, means a lot.

I'm right there with you rhks, but it's not true, they wouldn't be better off without you, that's the depression talking and it lies.

BeckyBendyLegs · 18/04/2010 11:09

I've said the same thing at 3am. DH has come back with: 'do you honestly think your children would be better off without you? They'd be devastated.' It's true. They love you.

rhksmum · 18/04/2010 12:47

I really wish I could believe that,
But just now I feel like I'm doing them more damage by being here.

They shouldn't have to see me get upset over the stupidist of things, they should have a normal life, do normal things

LittleMarshmallow · 18/04/2010 13:05

rhksmum I am sorry you feel like that but your children do need you I know you can't see that right now but it is true.

Do you anyone helping you in RL as well ?

rhksmum · 18/04/2010 13:28

I have a cpn and pyschologist
I have some friends but I cant tell them how I feel, I'm scared that if I do they will walk away.

I just feel like I'm mesing them up more,
Last night my oldest was mugged and I couldn't cope, I was more worried about the fact that I hadn't hoovered so I couldn't phone the police, its stupid I know, but thats just me all over

LittleMarshmallow · 18/04/2010 14:00

I understand how you are worried about telling your friends. I sometimes think if RL people knew what went on in my head they would never talk to me again.

You are not stupid everyone has quirks I hate people coming into my house unless it is tidy and everything is in its place. I am slowly learning that any good friend or professional wont care.

I am sorry to hear about the mugging, is there anything we could do to help?

Buttons2708 · 18/04/2010 15:06

rhksmum firstly your so not messing up your kids life and if you wasn't there they would be worse off. I've attempted suicide 5 times and all was before I had kids. When I had 3 dd they were what stopped me, until a few weeks ago. After having ds I feel back into it all and ended up planning it all. I had the dentist the same day (that's above my doctors)and ended up walking in and falling to the floor like a sweaty crying psycho there on the floor (whilst ds sat in buggy chatting). I hadn't been that low in years and as you can imagine the doctors saw me straight away. The thing is afterwards I thought about what would actually happen to my children and what would they remember me for. Trust me what thoughts followed was enough to make me realise that no matter how bed things get how backed into a corner or how dark it gets there's always 1 light to bring us out....our children. I really think you are a wonderful mum no one is perfect, everyone shouts (trust me I'm the queen at it) but I love my children as we all do and we want what's best for them and trust me its you

Buttons2708 · 18/04/2010 15:29

BBl hello! Yes I live on the south coast been lovely here again today, just got back from another 2hr walk with kids. All that sea air means they'll all be asleep nice and early ready for school tomorrow. I've got my own ironing business. It's great I get paid more than if I was in part time employment I never have to pay for childcare and I'm here for the kids all day long. The only tiring thing is as I only work in the evenings I'm sometimes burning the candle at both ends. But the perks of being with the children and being able to do special things with them as well as paying for those expensive school/Guides/Brownies trips makes it all worth while. The only problem that i do have is saying no. My dp hates it as i always over book my 'as and when' clients and i never take time off. Only took 2 weeks off when was born and had the week before the hol's off too. What do you do?

Seashore hello! Well my CBT was fab, hard at 1st though as I spent 6 months sat the crying for an hour and saying I don't know. It was hard as they discovered that although I was loved as a child I wasn't shown much or any emotion really. This meant that I could never express myself properly in any relationship whether it be friends or partner. It taught me how to take control of situations that I felt I couldn't e.g walking through the high street on my own or talking to mum's at toddler group etc. They taught me to sieve out the negative thoughts, this was great I also had to write a diary of when anyone said or did something nice to/for me. That alone was massive as I had pages and pages of nice things and on bad day's stopped me thinking I was the worse person in the world who was hated by everyone. Although 4 years on I have relapsed I am aware that my expectations and circumstances are to blame and that a lot of the time if I take a minute to think about things, I can achieve what I need too. Although I must say internet food shopping has been my saviour as supermarkets are my biggest fear when I'm alone. If you have any more questions let me know I'll be happy to answer what I can. There is a book on CBT that's really practical by Melanie someone i'll try find out the details and post them on here

As for me today is going ok had eyes tested need new ones( that'll explain the headaches), as well as dp who can't believe I was right when I told him he needed them too. We then took the dc out for cake and a nice cup of tea for me, then we all walked down the seafront again. I am so nervous about tomorrow though, school run is my biggest fear I hate it. I get all anxious and teary. I have 2 drops to do quite far apart as well as collecting the work load. This means I'm rushing the whole time from 5am until 9.30. Is anyone else worried??

LittleMarshmallow · 18/04/2010 16:13

Well I have managed a shower and washed my hair couldn't stand it any longer so I hope my legs ok now.

My lodger has dragged me out for coffee since I cancelled my date as I can't really deal with people.
I do wish I could function without this constant exhausting feeling

toccatanfudge · 18/04/2010 16:16

don't you just hate it when you've got stuff done but you still feel like shite?

I've done ALL of the ironing this afternoon, DS1 and 2 have already put theirs away, and DS1 is sorting the socks into pairs.

Done a load of washing, put the dishwasher on, clothes are hanging to dry, so basically completely up to date with the washing, went to church, and house is still pretty tidy......

But I feel flat and fed up

topsi · 18/04/2010 16:21

Any one looking at the 'decision time' thread? I am concerned!!

topsi · 18/04/2010 16:24

ANy one please

toccatanfudge · 18/04/2010 16:31

topsi - have read it - and reported to MNHQ.......didn't want to post as such on the actual thread (though obviously it could be someone from this thread??)

topsi · 18/04/2010 16:49

Thanks Toccan

LittleMarshmallow · 18/04/2010 16:56

I feel like to TF it seems to require so much more energy to do anything when you are suffering from depression

allegrageller · 18/04/2010 22:00

I feel flat today too after feeling on a (relative) high yesterday, knew I would though...

hi Kaloki and rhksmum (sorry for sps in names!)

rhksmum you will find a lot of us have been where you are. It is a depression delusion, that the kids will be 'better off without you'....they love you as you are with all the challenges you face.

I remember at my worst feeling I was only putting one foot in front of the other for my two even when they weren't with me....it got me through something....although I felt like shit. It would be so awful for my 2 to lose me even though I have often fallen so far beneath my own standards as a mum, etc.

xxx

BeckyBendyLegs · 19/04/2010 09:23

Hello all, after worried about being too chirpy last week I feel really awful today. I slept hardly any last night and feel like a zombie. Bloody insomnia I hate, hate, hate, hate it. It makes me feel those feelings 'everyone would be better off without me' and in fact I said that to DH last night and at the time I really meant it. I hate myself when I get like this and feel consumed with guilt for saying that to him and thinking about it when I love my three boys so much it hurts. I thought I was better. I really did. But as Willsurvive said to me on my 'please tell me I'm going to be ok' thread I need to realise that getting better is not the same as being better. I was running before I could walk perhaps, or at least singing from the rooftops how I was better before I was.

toccatanfudge · 19/04/2010 10:05

Becky I know exactly what you mean. This time last week I was slumped on the floor going no-where. The help that Bitter gave me (and the company) helped pull me to my feet again, so I am stumbling along now (am actually pretty much keeping on top of the housework so far - haven't done any cleaning yet, but have tidied/done washing etc)) which already feels better than lying on the floor in a heap (metaphorical) heap.

I did manage to sleep (sort of?) in bed last night (slept on the sofa again on Saturday night) and have already got DS3 dressed, the dishwasher on and a load of washing in the machine......and of course the other 2 off to school with hair cut (and hopefully now nit free), new (cheap) school shoes. Hoping to get some more housework done today, and maybe even some cleaning, oh and I need to pop to Morrisons/town/shop to get some cereal and biscuits and stuff.

I just feel so rubbish though still, normally, as I'm a regular type of slattern at the beset of times getting as much done as I've done today already would have me on the top of the world............but I'm not

Buttons2708 · 19/04/2010 13:52

Feeling like absolute shite, so come on, what is the point???? Everything I do leads to more crap absolutely pointless doing anything.

toccatanfudge · 19/04/2010 13:56

look at what you have done. And don't tell me you've done nothing at all because I bet you have

LittleMarshmallow · 19/04/2010 14:07

Sending you a hug Buttons.

The point in keep going is that eventually at some point you will feel better, depression / pnd is an illness and although it doesnt feel like it at some point in the future you feel better. It would be a case of waking up and feeling like everything is brilliant but it will be small things, laughing at your kids or finding a joke funny you can get there.