Fighting Our Way Back Up - the depression list thread!

[MathsMadMummy]

Thanks to ToccataAndFudge for the name

Right, so this is where those of us with depression can write our lists of daily achievements!

...hopefully tomorrow's list will be better than today's...

No need to apologize allegra, isn't that what this thread is for?! And I would think each persons 'issues' are relative to them and just as important no matter what the 'level'. I understand what you mean though, that was probably why I asked if people minded me posting on here when I haven't got any DC yet. Good night, sleep well

Morning all, thanks for your kind words, I am just fed up of this sleep anxiety I have. Even last night it took me over an hour to get to sleep. Grrrr. Boring!! I used to just go to bed and sleep and now it's become a source of anxiety.

It is hard to motivate when feeling low, isn't it? I'm feeling low now and my period is due any day. Surely can't be a coincidence? Baaaa just want to be happier again. Got lots to do today: posting ebay parcels, cranial osteopath with DS3, dermatologist with DS3, fruit cooking for DS3 (we're weaning). Soooo tired.

allegrageller and other single mums here I think you are doing a marvellous job. Single parents really don't get the respect and support they deserve. My mum was a single mum of three after I was eight years and at the time I really didn't appreciate all she did. I do now!

Well, better make everyone their breakfast now.

Morning All,

Alle, dont apologise for having a rant, it only natural that you feel angry because you have lost the ability to choose what you want to do.

I went through something similar in January and I became to reset ds because suddenly I have no choice left in my life I have to survive and be here, I have to look after him there is no one else. I still do get angry at times but time has helped as well as my counselling for me to understand that it is ok to feel that way.

I spent most of yesterday digging up the garden and ds and I planted some bulbs so it was nice.

He left at 7pm yesterday my parents are taking him away for 8 days, his little face was awful, he kept telling me that he was going to miss me, and within 2 hrs had called me to tell me he wanted me back.

I feel really lost today have wandered through the house and its empty and quiet. My bed was empty last night where ds normally comes and cuddles up.

Morning all

Feeling ok this morning, other than a stinking cold. Weekend was quite good, considering! My parents spontaneously came up to keep me company as I was ill, and insisted on taking me and DS out for lunch, and later we swapped with DH and took DD into town. DS is finally old enough for me to have some freedom from him (not BFing as often now), which is nice TBH. Mum really wanted to buy me some new clothes but I asked her to get DD a toy buggy instead - ATM it makes me much happier to give DD something! She's been to bed with the buggy for 2 nights! Also got her a few other toys that we can use on our lawn.

Yesterday we got a bit of housework done and spent decent time together, including with aforementioned toys. So glad the weather is improving. Ooh ooh and I also made the most fantastic lasagne ever!!! I enjoy cooking but lack confidence so that was great for me. I feel really guilty that DH cooks after work, he never complains but I feel I'm not pulling my weight - I'd love to cook dinner for when he gets in, as we could get the kids to bed earlier too! Might start a thread on that actually!

I totally understand the detached feeling - the only time I've cried recently was when I finally accepted that I do have PND. Again most of the time now I feel quite flat - good as it's probably better that I don't feel sad, but I'm certainly finding it harder to feel happy too IYSWIM.

I also understand the frequent change in emotion! I'm sick of only being able to have one good day at a time. Still, I know it's all a lot better now than it has been in the past when I was self-harming and all sorts - it's all relative though isn't it, as now I have the kids to look after and there's a lot of pressure to be a good mummy.

Wow, that's probably enough waffle from me. Not sure about having a list today, this cold has knocked me for six. DH's son is coming over later to revise for A levels, it'll be nice to have some company in the afternoon.

Hope everyone has a good day

BBL - I think it's incredible that you even went on holiday in the first place! At my worst times there was no way I could even leave the house let alone drive a car and stay somewhere without anyone else to help with the DC. Rather than look on the negatives of the break perhaps focus on the positives. (easy to say I know but not so easy to do)

The very fact that you challenged yourself and did it is absolutely fantastic. Well done. x

CL thanks for the encouragement. It does help. I know I need to try to focus on the positive and not dwell on the negative.
Postive: DSs had a lovely two days by the sea, and I did sleep after having a total paddy in the middle of the night. I did enjoy myself too - I find the sea very theraputic. I just feel so tearful at the moment and guilty for not being the best mummy for them all (it must be PMT).

Busy today: sending ebay parcels, making stewed peaches for DS3 (what a faff! five peaches made six cubes of mashed peach).

oh BBL I know how you feel about the faff involved in making baby food! How old is DS3?

weaning DS seemed like a lot of hassle, unlike when we had more time when DD was being weaned. so we just started giving him what we're eating, sometimes putting it through a food mill thingy, other times just letting him pick at it. it's been quite relaxing! we made a load of back-up pots though, when DH made a veggie stew and there was some left over so we blended it.

DS3 is five months. I did that with DS2 and agree it makes life so much easier just giving them the same food as everyone else so will probs again with DS3 soon but at the mo. we've only just started so he is on the basics: sweet potato, parsnip, apple, carrot, etc.

Just back from cranial osteopath. It is weird. She just seems to hover her hands over him like some faith healer but I can't deny that he is more settled and content since he started going to see her. (I wonder if it would work on me too )

shit day again, done nothing, house a tip, scared about the boys making too much noise

TF - I am sorry you are having a rubbish time, I saw your other thread but didn't have anything helpful to say.

Could you maybe take the boys to a park? (If there is one near you?) going via a shop and grab some sandwiches etc for lunch.

I'm sorry I am not much use today I am hiding and have cancelled most of my appointments for the week as I can't face anyone.

today is rubbish here too. sneezing all over the place, yuk. right, going to turn the computer off now, and achieve something - lunch!

My day just gets worse, I have spent most of the day hiding in the livingroom, manage to get dressed to meet a friend but had to cancel as I couldn't face it, also cancelled my cpn app this afternoon and my uni counselling tomorrow, its not going well.

Thanks seashore just not sure what to do for the best at the moment re AD. Everyone keeps telling me I'm harming the baby by not taking them but can't guarantee I won't do any harm if i do .

already feel like I'm the worst mother in the world and this isn't helping.

On the positive side I did make a cake today. Just off to take DS to Drs.

Well I wasn't doing too badly - made it to work, dealt with interesting stuff (expert report on the difference in scars left by torture versus self flagellation anyone ), bad stuff (complaint against staff member) and stressful stuff (staff member booking his client into my diary with 5mins notice as he ran out of patience with her - though for good reason). OK, still standing. Went out, got lunch, bought pressies for far away friends we're seeing tomorrow.

Come back and find that the decision on the funding for my new job, which I was hoping to start soon (being made redundant soon plus this job makes me ill again )has been referred to the Cabinet Office to ask whether it is ok to make the decision in the run up to the election!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!So what am I going to do now? I had an interview with another law firm but they are stuck waiting for the same decision. I sat here at my desk crying.

Sorry for rant

well I made lunch, and ate it. that's about it though, totally wasted DCs' naptime and sat about doing MN nothing

PC going off now, the kids are awake so it's a DVD for DD (again) while I attempt to blitz the living room before DH's DS arrives.

Littlemarshmellow very concerned that you've cancelled your cpn - you need support when you are this bad. Can you please ring and rearrange, maybe even for today. Don't let yourself slip that far down hun.x

Bexy I do think there is a significantly higher risk of harm to your baby from you being unable to cope than from the ADs - sorry if that is not helpful but having read up on it recently it does seem true that the right AD does no or very very little harm to your baby.

LM is it cos you are missing ds- I know that feeling- you kind of long for just a bit of a break, but in my case anyway a bit is all I want- just to recharge not to have them whipped away from me for 3/4 days at a time.

bexy you are not the worst mother in the world That's me (joke!!) Well I certainly can't get it together to make cakes etc.

I don't think ADs do do any harm at all tbh. I have spoken to a few psychiatrists who reckon if anything they bring benefit and there are no documented cases of them harming the baby unless it's Paxil which doesn't get prescribed anyway. xx

Thanks for the concern WillSurvive, i'm sorry you are having a rubbish day too. I don't really like my cpn as when I am bad and tell her normal response is to go quiet and say I don't know what to do.

Alle, I know what you mean, I prob wouldn't be so bad about ds but he is missing me and wants home yet my parents are determined he is staying there till next Monday, my dad thinks other people have fed him ideas instead of just a little boy missing his mum prob because I never did at that age.

I still have counselling at the hospice tomorrow so that is my aim, today is a write off I am hiding in my bed watching Home Alone which is stupid and silly

Bexy you are not harming the baby by not taking medication, not unless you are totally unable to cope without them. If so, I'm harming DS3 too and the other DSs. I'd like to think I am doing my best to get better whatever method I use.

We've mowed the lawn, with DS3 bouncing in his bouncy chair, and had ice lollies.

gah. absolutely horrible day.

feel like crap (mostly due to cold though), am now late putting DD to bed.

here's to a better day all round tomorrow, folks!

Morning all. Hope everyone is ok today. Off to doctors this morning as DS3's eczema around his eyes are really infected, poor little thing. Then need to think of something to do in the sunshine this afternoon. I slept better last night but still somehow feel exhausted every day. I guess the quality of sleep is never good these days. I just crave a good night's sleep. I had one two weeks ago when I slept 10 hours and it was heaven. DH was so sweet he let me sleep and dealt with DS3 in the night.

MathsMadMummy hope you are feeling better today.

LM how are you feeling today?

Morning Al,

BBL I hope you get something for ds3's eczema from the GP.

I had a really bad night last night, ended up sleeping in the livingroom. I am trying to put all my energy into painting the house as it helps distract from the nonsense in my head.

I called ds this morning and he was asking again if he could come home which broke my heart.

I have cancelled my counselling this afternoon as I am not strong enough to talk today. So my only aim today is to get dressed go to b&q get the rest of the paint for the hall.

WillSurvive and MMM I hope today is a better day.

Hope you are okay T&C - am thinking of you.

Morning all. DS off to Wales today until Saturday with his Dad so a few days of being able to have a sort out of the toys which is an impossible task when DS is here.

Hope everyone is doing okay.

Morning all!

LM that's good that you're putting so much energy into painting the house. Are you going to do something nice for DS for when he gets back - a little present/toy maybe? I'm sure he'll end up enjoying himself anyway. I know it must be really hard but try to enjoy being able to do child-free stuff - like JP I can only sort toys when DD isn't here! Any chance you could go swimming or do an exercise DVD or something?

BBL I know what you mean about craving sleep. Just as DS has started sleeping longer I'm having a bit of trouble with it myself! Though last night he was hungry at 2am - I'm supposed to feed him on one side then put him back but I caved

Had a decent morning, got a quick bit of tidying up done as a friend is visiting today (and other friends tomorrow) - it'll be nice to have the company.

DS3 has got some romantic sounding infection in his eczema which is streppto something gold in Latin! He's got some antibiotics for it now and I've been told to scrape the crusty bits off his face, lovely.