do you know what just fuck it all

[memoo]

Can't even give a shit anymore, why am i looking towards a bunch of women who don't even know me to try and sort out the mess in my head, and lets face it at the end of the day how can anyone really give a shit about a faceless name on the computer

really i am on my own with this, i'm so fucked off with trying to make it better when its clear it never is going to be. really really had enough.

and now i'll just piss off everybody on here with my shit post, just like i piss of everyone cos i am such a fucking disaster.

can't find my way out of this hole, need to make it all stop

[memoo]

I'm actually feel ok this morning thanks trinity, Kids are off school now so the chaos kind of keeps me going. I've still had to take my diazepam but I'm actually showered and dressed and its only half 9!

How are you doing today? Are your DC on school hols now too?

[FabIsGettingThere]

I have just seen this memoo and I totally know how you feel.

I am on ADs and have been for years and will be for the foreseeable future.

I am crap today due to swearing at the boy and feeling I have let DH down.

I just want to give up but there is a bit of fight still in me.

I hope you have a good day today memoo.

[SPBInDisguise]

memoo, no advice as I have no experience but just to say we do care x

[allegrageller]

how you doing today memoo, I'm pretty down in it myself but still fighting , have posted on the achievements thread xx

[memoo]

Today started ok but it has gone downhill since about lunch time. I'm just soooo tired and my baby is sooo clingy I can't put her down for a minute!

She is currently crying in her cot. She has been crying for the past hour and I am losing patience. so I put her in her cot and have walked away for a few minutes to calm down.

See fab, I feel like I'm letting them all down too. DH will come home to no tea for the 4th time this week as I just can't get myself together enough to sort it out. Made scrambled eggs on toast with beans for DC.

[FabIsGettingThere]

Absolutely nothing wrong with what you made the kids and as for your dh can you text him and say you haven't managed to sort dinner yet and can he bring something in or does he mind doing it? He gets warning so no stress there.

You then get an early night.

[Xenia]

Sometimes it takes a lot of different tries on different drugs to find the right one. See the doctor about changing. Some don't work on some people.

I found going back to work when I had babies made everything so much easier. Have you considered that? NOt everyone is made for being home doing housework and holding crying babies.

[wubblybubbly]

memoo it sounds like you've really done well today. It's the nature of depression that you'll beat yourself up over the things you didn't get done. Usually we can just shrug off those things but it's not that easy when you're depressed. That's the horrible thing about this illness, it really knows how to kick you when you're down.

On the ADs, it's amazing how quickly they can start to make a difference when you click with the right one. I'm hoping your appointment comes through quickly so you've got something to hang onto. Have you had any more news yet?

You've done so well in the last few days, don't forget to balance that against the things you feel you've not managed today. I'm not kidding you when I say what you've achieved since you started this thread is far more that I've done all week!

I'm sure your DH won't give a damn about tea. I used to stress so much (still do sometimes) over making a good variety of healthy meals, but he's happy with beans on toast, or fishfingers and chips. It just doesn't seem to matter to them as much as it does to us, probably 'cos it's another stick to be ourselves with.

Can you make some time for yourself tonight, sod everything else, just some time to spoil yourself, a lovely bath, a good book, something you usually struggle to find time for since the baby? You DO deserve it!

[SPBInChocolate]

how are you this morning/?

[memoo]

Don't know why but feel really crappy today. DH off so had a lie in and really could have stayed there all day. My stomach is churning and I feel sick. I was thinking this morning while lying in bed that if I didn't have my DC then I honestly don't think i'd be here much longer. the only thng that stops me at the moment is that depsite everything I love my DC and could never do anything to cause them hurt

[Tras]

Hi Memoo, my sister had severe post natal depression after the birth of her second son and was actually hospitalized with baby. It did take some time for the consultants to accurately diagnose her and get her on the correct medication. She did struggle for a long time however she eventually began to get her life together. She had everything from depression, hallucinations, lows, highs etc.

Long story short, a few years later she is now a trained mental health nurse! She always says that you should never write anyone off and that someone can go from the bottle of the barrel to achieving their dreams!
Sending you BIG HUGS. Hope you feel better soon.

[wubblybubbly]

Hi memoo. Sorry to hear you're feeling rotten today. You've done brilliantly just getting yourself out of bed today, despite how bad you're feeling. You've definitely got what it takes to beat this!

Just remember it's the depression that's making you feel this way. It's an illness and you will get better, although it's hard to see that sometimes when you're feeling so down.

The fantastic post from Tras is a great example of how you can and will come out of the otherside.

Be easy on yourself today memoo. I think sometimes when you've managed to achieve so much and are starting to feel like you're getting somewhere, it's really easy to start expecting too much of yourself, then you feel shitty all over again. Try not to beat yourself up for having a rubbish day - we all have them. Just be kind to yourself and keep remembering all the things you HAVE done.

I wish I could do this as well as my counsellor used to, I'm not sure I'm making much sense

[SPBInChocolate]

do you need to contact someone urgently about your medication? Sounds like it isn't doing what it should be - and it's a BH weekend of course.

[FabIsGettingThere]

memoo - how long have you been on your ads at this dose?

[memoo]

Hi,
Tras that is fab about your sister, I bet she is amazing at her job given that she has been there an knows how its feels. Wish she worked in my area!

Wubbly, it is so hard to beleive that I will ever get over this, I feel like I am slowly sinking rather than getting better. Today I have felt so very low and have literally done nothing, while poor DH has run round looking after the DC and the baby. Then I feel even worse because of the guilt of being a rubbish mum.

SPB, I'm not sure what to do about my meds. My GP has now refered my to a psychiatrist as he is unsure what to try next. I also find it hard to trust other doctors. My GP is really good and I trust him 100% but I am so scared of talking to someone else about it, I have this fear or being sectioned and being taken away from my DC and I just coulnd't stand that!

Fab, I am on Citlopram 60mg, have been for about 2 weeks, also propranolol 40mg and Diazepam 5mg, been on them for about a month or so. The diazepam calms me down but also makes me feel like a zombie, So I seem to swing between behing a nervous wreck because of the anxiety and lying on the couch spaced out. Either way I'm putting my kids through hell.

The thing is I look at my children and I love them so very much it hurts. I don't want them to grow up damaged because I wasn't a good enough mum, but that is exactly what I am doing.

[FabIsGettingThere]

And I feel exactly the same.

Have you considered therapy?

[StealthPolarBear]

memoo, i'm sorry if this sounds trite as I don;t and have never suffered from depression, but what you say about not wanting to mess your children up because you're not a good enough mum - I feel like that almost every day. So please don't use this as another thing to beat yourself up with, as far as I can tell it's just part of being a good mother

[wubblybubbly]

awww memoo, you do realise the only reason you worry so much about your kids is because you're such a good mum don't you?

I really do understand that it hurts you, I just hope you can be a bit kinder to yourself memoo. You've got an illness, just because no one can see it doesn't mean it's any less debilitating than a physical illness. The difficulty with depression is the guilt makes you feel worse. The great thing is you're talking about it, you're actively seeking out help, you're in exactly the right place to get through this. So give yourself a bloody big pat on the back for that!

Has your GP suggested any kind of therapy? I tried few different kinds and, for me, CBT really helped, but everyone is different and it's also about getting the right counsellor. The medication should be about getting you stabilised, so you're able to get help to get better, at least that's how it worked for me.

[memoo]

Thanks guys, being a good mum is the most important thing in my life. My children are the only thing that get me up in the morning.

On a good day I get myself together enough to take them places, have fun with them. I probably look like any other mum to the outside world but inside I am dying every single day.

My GP has refered me to a phychiatrist but I'm not sure wether that is just to look at my meds or wether it will include some kind of therapy.

He has also suggested CBT but I'm really reluctant for some reason. I guess I actually just don't want to talk about it.

Its safe on here, you can't see that sometimes I'm sat here sobbing. I'm still in control.

Having to sit in a room and talk to someone face to face scares the crap out of me. Then I do lose control and then how do I get it back. If I let it out I'm scared of what I'll discover. Because I have no reason to be like this. I have a good life, a good DH, beautiful DC. Maybe I'm just flawed, maybe there really is something wrong with me in my head, that can't be fixed.

My posts sound so self absorbed, like I'm wallowing in self pity. I'm so sorry. I really do appreciate you all taking the time to talk to me xx

[junglist1]

I get like this. I remember putting my arms out and begging God to take me. But a few days later, things improved, and they will for you. If you want to wallow do that, it's not self pity in a negative sense. Be self absorbed. I started a thread like this and someone said "be kind to yourself". It really helped.

[mummiedearest]

I used to feel like this when i had delayed PND 16 years ago. didnt know what was wrong just everything. still have days when my life is spirallling out of control cos trying to do too much with very little support. havent read all the posts but im sure that half of us have felt like this at one time. You are not going mad, youre just not feeling able to cope. Be nice to yourself.Can someone look after the little one while you go for a swim or a coffee with a friend. If you can get a break for an hour or two it will help. It will get better.

[wubblybubbly]

memoo, you don't sound like you're wallowing at all, far from it, but I do understand what you mean. I always used to put a brave face on too, it was just easier to cope with the outside world that way. I think we all do that to some extent, otherwise we'd all be knocking about in Tesco's in our PJs and slippers!

I used to think a lobotomy would be just perfect, if they could just cut the 'bad' bit out of me, so I would stop feeling I suppose. I thought I'd never get better, sometimes I even questioned whether I really wanted to get better because I felt I should be able to just sort myself out. I realise now of course that isn't how depression works.

Have you done anything nice for yourself yet memoo? I remember really struggling to think of anything but struck on buying a few pots of herbs, daft as it sounds, it felt fantastic to feel like I deserved to spend a few quid on something for me

[FabIsGettingThere]

memoo - I have had so many counsellors that it just got ridiculous and none of it helped because I wouldn't talk. I just didn't want to say it out loud as then that would make it real. I still will not acknowledge that I am that little girl but i am seeing someone know and somehow working through some things. Give it a go.

[willsurvivethis]

I echo what Fab says about saying things out loud making it more real. I had that very much too. With my first therapist I was able to do a lot of fundamental early years stuff and learn a lot about myself, but now i have a new counsellor (NHS funding ran out) and with her I can suddenly just about manage to talk about the actual abuse and what little me felt and thought and as I talk more comes back...It's friggin hard and I spend the whole session with my hands in front of my face but it is manageable and I know it will help.

Remember a counsellor has heard it all before and it is their job and they just leave it behind at the end of the day and go home. Well that helped me.

[StealthPolarBear]

as someone else said, this is an illness - you wouldn't blame yourself for any other illness, so why this one?