do you know what just fuck it all

[memoo]

Can't even give a shit anymore, why am i looking towards a bunch of women who don't even know me to try and sort out the mess in my head, and lets face it at the end of the day how can anyone really give a shit about a faceless name on the computer

really i am on my own with this, i'm so fucked off with trying to make it better when its clear it never is going to be. really really had enough.

and now i'll just piss off everybody on here with my shit post, just like i piss of everyone cos i am such a fucking disaster.

can't find my way out of this hole, need to make it all stop

[memoo]

DD is wake, will go and feed her and add that to my list xx

[plonker]

I understand what you're saying Memoo.

I'm sorry I can't be more help to you, but please know that I'm here for you if you change your mind xx

Perhaps talking to a stranger such as the Samaritans as Madre suggests would help?
They don't know you, with or without the mask. They will listen without judgement.

Good luck with everything Memoo xx

[satc2bringiton]

Hope this tread is making you feel better.

I am often running out of school uniform and doing a rub down in the mornings - your not alone on that one

[ToccataAndFudge]

memoo - I took an OD (and ended up on a drip in hospital for 2 days), I was a lone parent, my DS's were asleep in bed when I took it, they let me go home to my children.

That's how bad you can get and still keep your children.

But you don't want to go there, I did because I didn't talk to people around me

[BrokenBananaTantrum]

hey memoo. I give a shit. PND is terrible. been through it myself and i'm having another wobble again 3.5 years on. feel like my life is going to shit atm too. i'm not far from you if you do decide you want to meet up.

[wannabeoriginal]

Memoo, I was sectioned through pnd but I kept my kids and I recovered. It took a while but haven't taken any pills in years and even managed another baby with no pnd
In the depths of despair I never believed I would survive the days never mind get through and come out the other side happier, stronger and more resilient.
The list is a really good idea as are the samaritans (they kept me here)the crisis team was great too. Do you have access to them?
If it's any consolation even though I'm fine now the wash basket is overflowing and I had to sponge dd's cardi this morning as well
Take care if I can help at all just shout.

[memoo]

This thread is certainly making me feel calmer, and fio i think you're right, i do get myself in such a state that I imagine all these really bad things that will happen. I love my DC so much, the thought of ever being without them terrifys me.

Toccata, I'm so sorry you went through all that! I was a lone parent to my eldest two fro 4 years before meeting DH 4 years ago. I so understand how very lonely it is. Those hours at night when the kids are in bed and you're on your own are just the worse.

Thanks for that offer brokenbanana, I am touched by the kindness of people on here

[ToccataAndFudge]

have you eaten anything yet?

[memoo]

Wannabe, you are doing so well! See I can't imagine a way out of this at the moment, I feel trapped in this nightmare. Thats so inspiring to hear that you even managed to have another baby and stay well!

I don't have access to a crisis team. GP has refered me to a psychiatrist and mentioned a CPN. Haven't heard from CPN yet but have psych appointment next months.

[memoo]

not yet tocca, really feel too sick! will put it on my to do list.

[ToccataAndFudge]

No I haven't eaten either.

Perhaps we should both go and stick the kettle on (the crucial caffeine), and get something to eat, anything - biscuit, banana, toast, icecream, doesn't really matter so long as it's food.

Not eating makes you feel sick.

[BrokenBananaTantrum]

also don't know if this will help but it is something i am trying this having learned it from my counsellor.

sit down. it's best to talk aloud at first
say 3 things you can see
say 3 things you can hear
say three things you can feel

then repeat for 2 things

then repeat for 1 thing

e.g
i can see my computer, my window, my clock
i can hear the TV, the washing machine, a car outside
i can feel my arm touching the sofa, my fingers on the keyboard, my bum on the sofa

the idea is to focus on stuff outside your head. i hope i have explained it ok. i must admit i felt like a bit of a dick at first sitting there nameing stuff but it does work for me.

well done on the list of stuff that you have done so far today. i've only just managed to put a load of washing in.

[wannabeoriginal]

Look when I was ill neither could I see the way forward. It's part and parcel of the depression really.I look back now and it is just like a bad dream.
It's great that you are going to see a psychiatrist mine was great. Being able to unload on him was just what I needed, he also got the rants, the tears and the utter tripe I was spouting too.
Hope you get one that makes you feel at ease. Be honest with him/her mine was pretty unshockable (or appeared to be anyway)
They can prescribe combinations of medication that will make a difference. Had ECT too(sounds awful but a doddle really) although it didn't work for me the lady having it at the same time had a miraculous recovery really quickly with it.
At the bad bits I survived 10 minutes at a time, if the day seems too overwhelming break it into chunks and go 1 chunk at a time.
Glad you've got a supportive dh. My marriage survived although it was sorely tested (don't think i was easy to live with)
If I can do it you will be able to do it too I'm sure. Thinking of you

[expatinscotland]

This is the anxiety talking, memoo.

You're not alone! So many of us have been there, too or still are.

Can you show your DH this thread? I'd like him to ring the GP to see if your referral can't be pushed forward, or you can at least get in to see a psychiatric nurse.

You're going to be okay! I promise you you will.

Wish I were closer to come round and make you a cuppa or do the washing up whilst you got a bath.

I never ate when I was bad with my PND. Don't beat yourself up about that.

At least you weren't puffing away fags like I was.

[ToccataAndFudge]

[memoo]

Tocca, right I am going to go and get more coffee and maybe make a bit of toast, i will if you do too!

Brokenbanana, I will try that, don't mind feeling bonkers doing it, I can't feel any worst than I already do at the moment.

Wannabe, I think i must be awful to live with! I often think DH must drive home wondering what hell he is going to walk into. I swear I can almost see the relief on his face when he gets home and I'm not doing too bad.

I'm really hoping the psychiatrist will sort my Meds out so they work. My GP said he really didn't know where else to go with my medication so hopefully the psychiatrist will find the rigth combination.

What was the ECT like? is that like electric shock therapy?

[expatinscotland]

Psychiatrist and psychiatric nurse can do wonders with your meds, memoo!

Think it might be time to push for a more urgent referral.

[ToccataAndFudge]

ok memoo - I've actually just sat down with mine - see you back here in a few minutes with yours

[memoo]

I gave up smoking last year after falling pregnant, on days like this I really wish I still smoked!! If it wasn't for the fact that I know DD1 would be gutted I think I might go and get some.

I am going to show this to DH Expat, I can't say it all aloud, just clam up, so letting him read this is a good idea. He finishes work on Thursday for a week and I am so looking forward to having him here with me.

I think I will get him to phone up and get me another appointment with GP. GP is great but I haven't got the strength to fight my way through the receptionists. Hopefully GP can get them to bring my Psych appointment forward.

Does anyone know how many Diazepam you can take in one day? I have 5mg ones

[memoo]

toccata, well done you xx I have coffee and a slice of toast!

[memoo]

""You're going to be okay! I promise you you will"" Hey Expat, I'm going to hold you to that!

[ToccataAndFudge]

well done (I had toast too).