do you know what just fuck it all

[memoo]

Can't even give a shit anymore, why am i looking towards a bunch of women who don't even know me to try and sort out the mess in my head, and lets face it at the end of the day how can anyone really give a shit about a faceless name on the computer

really i am on my own with this, i'm so fucked off with trying to make it better when its clear it never is going to be. really really had enough.

and now i'll just piss off everybody on here with my shit post, just like i piss of everyone cos i am such a fucking disaster.

can't find my way out of this hole, need to make it all stop

[expatinscotland]

slice of toast much better than what I call 'The PND Diet To Lose Weight', which consists of living off coffee and fags with an occassional packet of crisps thrown in.

always amazed by comments of how well I did losing the baby weight so quickly.

if they only knew! .

[expatinscotland]

Please show him!

Like you, I have a very hard time asking for help.

DH stepped up to the plate!

I've taken 3 10mg Diazepam in one day but I know this is not ideal and it was only when I was a day away from seeing consultant.

About my anxiety .

[ToccataAndFudge]

expat - someone at church said to me the other day "wow you've lost even more weight you're looking so slim".........if only they knew

[memoo]

I've had that too! Had to go into school to for parents evening the other week, I use to work there as a TA before having DD. An old colleague commented on how much weight I'd lost, and even said being a mum really suits me as I look so well!! Its a mazing what you can do with a bit of slap on and a few diazepam.

expat yes! getting help for the anxiety does itself cause anxiety! I've sat in doctors waiting room with sweat dripping down my face at the thought of having to go in and talk to him

[expatinscotland]

Yes, although after I got the PND under control I went back to eating cake .

[ToccataAndFudge]

oh I'll hopefully be back to eating cake and icecream soon, this caffeine/nicotine diet is getting to be boring, just don't have any motivation to do anything else.

[wannabeoriginal]

ECT was nothing much.Had it three times a week. After eight sessions it was obvious it wasn't working for me so stopped.
Had a light anaesthetic each time woke up to a cup of tea and toast and home within two hours. Had a slight headache a couple of times but only needed paracetamol.
The lady for who it worked it was miraculous really. By six sessions you could see the light back in her eyes and after twelve she was pretty much back to her normal self.
If it's offered don't be scared, it doesn't turn you into a zombie, I have a little bit of memory loss for about a fortnight when I was really ill. Never worked out whether that was the ECT though but it is a possibility they warn you of.

[expatinscotland]

'I've sat in doctors waiting room with sweat dripping down my face at the thought of having to go in and talk to him '

That's why the best docs are the ones how ask you questions to get you talking instead of leaving the ball in your court!

Our GP is brilliant. Had me confessing about my insomnia from hell and all I'd done to get to sleep and my suicidal tendencies, which wasn't good.

I had gone into the see the nurse, because all I really had was thrush, right?

Needless to say, she was rather alarmed by my hollow-faced appearance and jittery manner.

'Are you depressed?' 'Nah, I just spent from 2-4AM out on the beach, wondering if the hypothermia would render me unconscious before I drowned.'

[Lulumaam]

I had in patient treatment too ( 3 weeks of it ) and never even a whisper of Social services or children being taken away.

it just does not happen like that

[GooseyLoosey]

Write yourself a long list for tomorrow and then engage auto pilot and do it.

How often are you seeing your GP? When I am at my worst. Just knowing that there is someone there at a precise time helps me get through the days immensely. If I am feeling OK, I postpone the appointment.

It may take a while to get over this, but you can get through it and there will come a time when things are better.

[TrinityIsFuckingTrying]

memoo

hi

I dont think we 'know' each other

but I care that you are struggling

I know what its like to feel like you do now

try dirty clothes for weeks, no food that could ever be called healthy for days on end

and I didn't care for a little while
I had given up

my kids are now on the child prtection register because of 'risk of physical neglect'

but they will not be there for long.

I looked deep down and I asked EVERYONE for help

MN was a fucking life saver I can tell you

please go back to your doc, please tell your dh

you can get better

stop beating yourself up for struggling and just decide to change it

tiny tiny steps

ask for all the help you can

seriously scream from the rooftops FUCKING HELP ME

to anyone that can help

its ok to need help
its ok to almost completely give up

but you can turn it around

I Know

I am

[ToccataAndFudge]

Trinity - glad things are starting to head in the right direction for you now

[minxofmancunia]

memoo just to let you know I'm thinking of you, you sound despite your self criticism like you're doing a grand job, you've done more today than you think you realise!

Even though I don't think I feel as rough as you I can feel myself going that way, I have a 3.5 year old and a sixth month old. I feel flat, lifeless and ugly. Doing ANYTHING seems like the most colossal horrendous effort and I swear I'll bash my head against the wall if i have to think up another idea for dd and ds (separate meals as he's a baby) tea. The kitchen is a mess and I feel sick at the thought of sorting it out. Making any decision is pickling my head completely.

And I'm a mental health professional! This dullness I feel is quite like anything I've felt before, don't even feel angry anymore.

The list thing that people have mentioned is a fab idea, I'm going to do that myself tomorrow just to feel like I've achieved something. And am going to force myself to tidy the kitchen RIGHT NOW!

[memoo]

I see my GP once a week at the moment, he is really good but openly admits he is out of his depth a bit with knowing what meds to try me on at the moment. Expat my GP is good at getting me to talk, have told him a bit about the urges to self harm that I sometimes get. He never makes me feel bad about it, he makes me feel safe, i can really trust him and be open. I just really hope the psyhciatrist is the same.

Trinity, I have read a lot of your posts so do know alot of the hell you have been through. I've never posted on your threads because have never known what advice to give, but I have read posts by you when you have been at your lowest. You sound like you have got some of your fight back! Thats what I need to find, some fight, and I'm going to find it, I really am going to beat this!

I think I would be up for trying ect or anything really wannabe, I'll do whatever it takes to get through this

Have to go and make that awful journey to pick the dc up from school, can't wait for sunnier weather so I can hide behind sunglasses and a big hat!

Thank you from the bottom of my heart to all of your for your messages. You have no idea how much you have helped me today, don't think i'd have got through today without you

xx

[allegrageller]

memoo I am off now to Stoke (which is not helping my depression :D) but if you need anything inc. just a virtual chat with another depressive mum I am around. All the advice on here is brilliant

my list today
got out of bed
showered
ate lunch (prepared by someone else)
made various irritating phone calls e.g. re. council tax
updated CV (painful process)
faffed for 3 hours over MN and cover letters for jobs I don't want to apply for but have to

what a day eh?? at least no housework as I'm staying with parents...

[ToccataAndFudge]

memoo - I hope you had a good school run.

You sound a bit more "settled" now than you did earlier.

I got home with DS2 and 3 just in time it would appear. DS1 has just got home totally soaked.

[MathsMadMummy]

in no particular order:

• breakfast for me and DD
• fed and cuddled DS loads - stroppy today
• reheated leftover pasta for DD's lunch
• made myself a sandwich!!!
• got both kids changed/dressed
• got prawns out of the freezer in time to defrost for dinner
• did NOT panic when I noticed DH had left our recently filled freezer open this morning!
• texted/emailed a couple of friends to arrange get-togethers
• phoned mum for a (largely superficial) chat
• biggest achievement of the day: DS actually napped in his own bed!!! first time EVER! left him in there while I made aforementioned sandwich and he dozed off!

And I've managed to do this despite having a messed-up leg from where I idiotically fell over yesterday

I love this listing our achievements to each other, I know people do it on the Fly threads but an exclusive PND club list thread would be cool...

BTW, Trinity, I'm relatively new here, haven't posted on your threads but I'm glad you are feeling more positive.

[TrinityIsFuckingTrying]

YES
get some fight back

dig deep

find it wherever you can

I'm fighting for my kids

I'm fighting my depression and anxiety so that I can be the mum my kids desperately need to cope with losing their dad

I have to fight

I have to be their mum

[ToccataAndFudge]

there is the slatterns thread (that I started 2yrs ago to put my lists on).

Or we could start a list things for those with depression, I don't have PND, "just" depression (oh and probable PSTD).

I have just put chicken drumsticks in the oven for dinner.

[MathsMadMummy]

oh yeah I spose it's not all PND is it (mine is now, but I had depression/PTSD before DCs)

yep, a depressed list-writers thread! what should we call it?

[BrokenBananaTantrum]

just popped back to wave at everyone. glad you're gonna try the thing is described memoo

ok here is my list for tomorrow

get up before nine
have a wash /shower
eat something
put in one load of washing

i think that's all i'll be able manage. shit that looks pathetic written down.

[ToccataAndFudge]

oh I dunno - "every little counts, fighting our way back up" (or something)

[MathsMadMummy]

tis set up, fighting our way back up in mental health topic!

see you tomorrow

[kizzie]

Hi Memoo - just a quick thing about finding it difficult to eat. i really recognise this - but its one of those catch 22's because one resultis that blood sugar levels go all over the place and as a result so does your mood.
I know its so hard for you to get to shops etc at the moment but maybe doing a shop is something DH could help with. If so then make a list to include things like - wholemeal pitta bread, bananas, cereal bars, yoghurts. Anything really that doesnt involve too much effort to eat. And then add to your 'to do' list to eat something every 2 hours.
I know how impossible it is to eat a meal when you feel like this - but 'snacking' is a bit easier and will help.

Agree totally with what everyone else has said re. making a list and congratulate yourself for everything you do. Answering the door to the postman may not seem like much - but from you are at the moment its like climbing a mountain. Dont be too hard on yourself.

Sorry for rambling on. x