do you know what just fuck it all

[memoo]

Can't even give a shit anymore, why am i looking towards a bunch of women who don't even know me to try and sort out the mess in my head, and lets face it at the end of the day how can anyone really give a shit about a faceless name on the computer

really i am on my own with this, i'm so fucked off with trying to make it better when its clear it never is going to be. really really had enough.

and now i'll just piss off everybody on here with my shit post, just like i piss of everyone cos i am such a fucking disaster.

can't find my way out of this hole, need to make it all stop

[allegrageller]

second Goosey there- if you can plan just a few things and get out of the house EVERY day it will help just that little bit.

I used to find when sitting in the house I would go down and down the black tunnel as it were. It felt like wading through concrete getting out (still does sometimes) but once I was out I could breathe and it felt marginally better.

I don't know if you are having money issues too, but if you are not, try sodding the cooking, a takeaway pizza will do for the kids tonight, and you could take them out for lunch to a park cafe or something? That way less housework for you etc and you get to have a bit of a rest.

[plonker]

Memoo, I do know you and you are a wonderful person and one of the best mothers that I have ever known! I mean that!!

Please call me, I want to help!

OK, first of all, don't worry about dd's jumper, the sponge down will be fine (I often do this!).

Tea - a loaf of bread and a tin of beans goes a long way. Don't stress trying to make something complicated. There's really no need.

Can you phone your mum/sister/friend, just for a chat. Do your family/close friends know how bad things have got? If not, then I urge you to tell them. You can't battle this alone.

You're a strong strong woman, and you will recover from this. There is a way forward Memoo and I know that you will get through all of this.

Chin up mate and stay strong xxx

[memoo]

my DC are 11,9 and six months.

I don't have a crisis team yet, my psych referal isn't till next month. I am on AD's, propranolol and diazepam, have taken them all today.

will go and put a load of washing on now. and see whats in the cupboards for tea, think we do have carrots, cucumber and fruit and some left over meat from sunday

i'm in warrington

[ToccataAndFudge]

I had to make the DS's wear the same pants and socks one day last week (and school uniform) that's how behind I am with my washing.

They'll live

You can get through this.

[whittywan]

memoo - i'm up north too. are you near york/scarborough? i'd be more than happy to pop in with a meal/two for you, dh and dc's

[Lulumaam]

there's tea sorted and one load of washing ! those are two things you can cross off the list , you have achieved two things now. anything else is a bonus

[memoo]

I don't feel strong though, i feel like i am falling apart plonker. Have nobody around, sister lives in Oz now and parents in cumbria. And tbh don't really want to see anyone, its too difficult

Do go for walks sometimes but its so hard just getting myself out of the door. Have to pick DC up from school but leave it to the very last minutes so I can get straight there and back without having to talk to anyone

[allegrageller]

Memoo if you need a hand I don't think Warrington is very far from where I am and I'd be more than happy to come over. Depending on the date though, I may be accompanied by two bonkers delightful young boys aged 6 and 3 who will either elevate your mood completely OR finish you off (they have that effect on me and it's unpredictable )

I am not sure how to CAT so if you are in need please email me, servalan 73 at googlemail dot com (no spaces in address)

Washing is an odd one isn't it. Depressing but when you've done it, you've at least achieved something. Hanging it outside sometimes used to help me, the breath of fresh air...

I used to make lists on my worst days of what I'd achieved. As in, I am feeling suicidal and vile BUT I have fed the kids, dressed them, got them to school, sent a few useful emails, fed myself, made coffee (!?) etc.

[allegrageller]

yeah Toccata second the pants thing...in fact mine have to do that on occasion even when I am NOT in deep depression because I am so domestically useless

[ByThePowerOfGreyskull]

memoo,
you are not alone, the feeling of being alone when there are people around is shit, BUT, people are here, can you go and put a load in the washing machine?
then at least by the end of the day you have not only survived another day but you have ticked one thing off a list.

[MathsMadMummy]

Memoo, just wanted to say people here do care. I've only been on MN a few weeks and I've been amazed how much support I've had when I've posted about feeling crap.

Please please tell your DH how bad you're feeling, he won't leave. It's better to be honest than to end up not talking to him.

Have you had a shower today? Hard to find the time with a baby, but it makes me feel better, even if temporarily.

MMM xxx

[MathsMadMummy]

I second the list thing BTW, there have been some days when my biggest achievement is... wait for it... having lunch! Score!!!

[ToccataAndFudge]

agree with the list thing.

Put every single little thing you've done today

Even as "small" as "got out of bed", gave DC breakfast, took DC's to school. It's all an achievement.

[memoo]

Not showered yet, or eaten, feel too sick to eat. Just drinking lots of coffee and trying to stop myself from going and having a swig from the bottle of wine in the fridge.

DH is great. I can write all this down but have real problems actually talking to him about it. he got up this morning and fed kids, made pack lunchs etc which he does most days.

I have just put on a load of washing, kids uniforms and pants/socks.

[plonker]

Oh Memoo, I'm so sorry that things are so hard for you.

Can you choose your closest friend (rather than a bunch of mums from school) and have her round for a cup of tea and chat. She won't mind how things are, or even if you're don't want to talk much, I think just being there will be enough to break the isolation a little.

My mum had what was very very close to a total breakdown before dd3 was born. It was probably one of worse periods of my life. I'm so so sorry that you're suffering.

Please let your friends in Memoo. Let them be there for you. Trust them.

...and you must have faith in yourself - you say you're falling apart but even now, you're putting your children first. You're a fantastic person and wonderful mother. I really hope things get better for you soon.
Take care xx

[memoo]

allegrageller, your DS's sound fab, I think they would get on very well with my little brood of bonkers kids!

Your offer is really kind but I genuinely can't cope with seeing anyone at the moment.

List is a good idea.

DH sorted this kids out this morning so don't feel like I have done much. but have made lots of coffee! fed DD twice, sung songs to her because she is really unsettled and likes me singing and have now put a load of washing on.

[ToccataAndFudge]

There you go then - you list is nearly as big as mine yesterday (and bigger than mine today)

You've made coffee
Fed DD x2
Put load of washing on
Check cupboards for tea

I have

Kicked (metaphorically speaking) DS1 and 2out of the door to school (they get themselves berakfast/dressed)
Changed DS3's nappy x1
Made jam sandwich for DS3

[memoo]

Plonker, I know you have known me in real life but that person you saw isn't who I am now. I am and always have been really good at putting on my mask! but behind closed doors I am a mess. I can't let people in, I push them away, i even do it with DH. I find it hard to get too close to people because it makes me feel really vunerable. I'm also scared of having to talk to people 1-2-1, I sometimes don't know what to say, I feel inadequate.

I just opened the door to the postman, thats actaully an achievement at the moment

[MathsMadMummy]

Awesome, you've got a wash on. I haven't

That's great that DH is so supportive. I totally know what you mean about talking to him though, sometimes it's so hard to say how you're feeling out loud!

It has caused arguments between us as I was being all passive-aggressive (or passive-depressive!) - as a solution, I started jotting things down in a notebook and would leave it around so he could read it. It really helped and now I do find it easier to talk to him in person. Is this something you could try? Or email him even?

[wubblybubbly]

Memoo, I found the list thing a great tool, if you're not already using it. Like MathsMadMummy says, sometimes the smallest things are big achievements. Many times just cleaning my teeth felt like climbing a mountain. A really good day might mean I managed a bath or shower too, but it does get better, it really does.

Having a list and crossing things off gave me a opportunity to congratulate myself for doing something rather than achieving nothing at all. It's easy to forget those small things that you used to take for granted, but it can help to acknowledge what you are doing, it helps to balance against the things you know you're not doing.

Don't give up on getting better, you can do it Memoo. It's a shitty place to be, but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

[willsurvivethis]

Memoo!! Ouch so much pain in your post

Sometimes it helps just to throw the cr*p out unedited. I have a friend who can take it if I do it to them.

But MN is not faceless - well it can be if you want it to but people really do care and some of my rl friends and I started out on MN then facebook (and downhill from there )

Keep talking - I do want to hear it and I know I'm not the only one.

Too rubbish myself atm to offer any sort of practical help even if you live close but I do care!

[ToccataAndFudge]

memoo's "done" list

made coffee
Fed DD x2
Put load of washing on
Checked cupboards for tea
Opened door to postman

I know that feeling of having a mask. It's the only thing that's keeping off the very bottom now, is that 2yrs ago I finally had to admit defeat and lift that mask off to people. If I hadn't I wouldn't be sat here today talking to you .

I know how hard it is, I still keep my guard up a lot of the time.

[MadreInglese]

so sorry that you are feeling like this memoo

not suggesting that you don't post on here, but if you do want to talk to someone in 'RL' please consider calling samaritans 08457 90 90 90

they will be able to offer you support until you are allocated a crisis team

[memoo]

Letting my guard down and letting it all is out is a scary thought, I have a fear of losing it completely and then never getting back from that awful place. At what point do people start saying that I can't look after my DC? At the moment I have choices with my treatment but what if they take those choices away, what if I lose it so bad they section me or take my DC away.

"Sometimes it helps just to throw the cr*p out unedited" it does help, its like screaming and letting out the pain