anorak would be grateful for some friendly support

[anorak]

Further to chatting here I have realised that I am becoming depressed. I hope you don't mind my posting this thread asking for some day-to-day support for a little while. It would help me not to feel so alone. TIA xxx

I know you would have given her a lift if she had asked nicely. She is her own worst enemy. Does she ever ask nicely? Has she learned how nice her life could be if she made it so? I would feel like texting her as she walks home in this horrible rain 'you only had to ask politely'.

Anorak - don't let her set the agenda. You are worth more than a sobbing binging wine-guzzling heap because you are YOU - you can't set your worth in relation to anything about her. Try - oh god I know that's hard - but can you try to let it wash over you - much like a toddler tantrum, just step back and let her frazzle away in her own poisonous juice - and get on with concentrating on yourself? because much like a toddler, you know, don't you, that half the time she probably does this because she knows it will have an effect on you?
Don't give her the pay off!
Stay calm, keep saying 'no' calmly and reward her when she does it nicely - exactly like with a toddler.
I know, I know, i'm down here in S London and well out of range of her baiting and bullying, so what do i know? it's just a suggestion.

Oh, and i now you worry about what went on in the past but you have done more and more still to do all the constructive things to create a life where things can get better for her. You can't live her own life for her, you were both direct victims of your ex - it isn't that you were a victim of him and she was a victim as a result of you, iyswim.

I have to go Anorak, but I can't bear to think of you so unhappy and upset on a rainy night - is DH home or on his way?

anorak - I thin you are doing the right thing by refusing to give in to her bad behaviour. Whatever happened in the past is in the past and dd now needs to start taking responsibility for her actions - okay shes a teenage and lets be honest they can strop better than the average 2 yr old, partly because they can wind themselves up with the old 'poor little me, mummy has made me walk home in the rain' Well TOUGH - ask nicely treat me like a human being and perhaps I'd have given you a lift!. She isn't treating like a human being so don't take it. I know this is easy to say, but hang on in there....

I used to try and let it wash over me, and it was hard, but I managed to do it mostly. But now I've got no patience any more, I'm on edge and I can't stop it getting to me.

She knows I worry about the safety issues when she asks for lifts. I find it hard to sleep till she gets home. But I don't think I'll be able to last out tonight. I'm going to bed in a minute to watch tv and just be with dh and try to relax, and I don't think I'll be awake long. But I feel like a bad mum - she is still under age and she is out there till god knows what time and walking on her own in the dark.

It's really hurtful that she knows I'm in this state and still doesn't hesitate to shout at me and wind me up.

I don't think she truely understands what a state you are in, teenagers are notoriously selfcentred, your pain doesn't impinge on her that much I expect. Try to relax, and no you aren't a bad mum, far from it...

Message withdrawn

I'm sorry to hear DD1 has upset you. When I was a teen, I was really rotton to my Mum, which really upset her. The thing was, that while my conscience didn't stop me from doing that, it was not malicious towards my mother - I was just acting out and she was in the way of it. I've heard it said that we hurt those closest to us because they are the ones who can be (they will be hurt cuz they care so much - it wouldn't have the same impact doing it to someone who did care) so its a twisted way of saying I love you

To me - Its not so bad to drink some wine - just try not to allow it to be excessive - limit it to two glasses if you can. Taking something like milk thistle for about 2-3 weeks will help to strengthen your liver and get it on track which should help you to feel better generally too.

From my knowledge of chinese medicine, when the liver is out of whack, we tend to me more vulnerable to feelings of anger and frustration and irritablity, so taking something like milk thistle may not just help your liver, but may, indirectly, help you to feel a bit more stable.

Thank you ladies. I will look for some milk thistle the next time I go shopping. I did managed to stop after two glasses and drink a cup of bouillon before going to bed. I talked the situation over with dh. He was very annoyed and wanted to stop having her to babysit but I can't bear the confrontation so I told him I'd talk to her. I heard her coming in at 11.30ish - someone gave her a lift.

She was up for once this morning, had arranged to meet a friend to go into school for her GCSE results. I was hoping to take her but no. I also would have liked to take her out for lunch or dinner but she's already got plans. But I did manage to have a chat with her where she started off very hostile and ended up smiling with a hug. I explained to her how her sister is frightened of her and caves in to her bullying even if (for example) she doesn't want to lend her her bike. I also explained the effect all this has on my health. I told her I needed her now, to try and keep things calm so that I can get better. I tried to explain how her behaviour affects me. Asked if she could be there for me as I'd always been for her. She said yes.

So things are okay for the moment. I just hope my words really have had some effect on her. Perhaps if she gets good results today she will relax a bit - I know she's been nervous.

essbee I am emailing you.

DD1 just phoned me. 1 A*, 3 As, 5 Bs and 1 C.

I just burst into tears again, which made her laugh.

Thats brill Anorak - is she happy!

oh wow! must get her brains from her mum!

Yes it's odd, they are exactly the same grades I got in my 'O' Levels!

Yes, she sounded thrilled to bits. I hope she will cheer up a bit now!

Those are great results, tell her well done from me

Wow Anorak, that's fantastic - I'm so pleased, for you and for her.
Maybe she had the jitters, yesterday.

And A to you for the way you handled it with her, that really is A parenting. I'm dead impressed. You will be my guru when DS is a teenager.

Bloody hell woman, you achieved a LOT in the conversation you had with her. Put that on your list in capitals.

Yes, i know, she will be vile and selfish again before the week is out - but you have laid out your needs, she has agreed, so you don't have to take any more nonsense, and can let it wash over you again.

And well done - 2 glasses of wine, and under such horrible pressure.

oh, but how good is that? Such good results. You must be proud.

XXXXXXX

So nice to see this Anorak! A little ray of sunshine in all of it you see....hope it continues on today for you.

excellent news!! What a silver lining indeed!

Congrats to your dd anorak - she's done so well. And give yourself a pat on the back too

Thank you for all those messages. I do feel reasonably good today. It was lovely to see Christie last night and talk about our daughters' success.

I just have to be careful because I sometimes feel fine and then cave in at the slightest thing.

But I don't plan to waste this feeling. I might just move my bot away from the pc today and try to get one or two things done while I'm feeling ok. By that I mean I'll only spend fifteen minutes every hour looking at mn instead of all of it!

I can't help thinking that feeling that DD1 might be in a good mood today is a huge influence on how I feel. I really do react to her in a huge way.

I don't think we can help reacting to people around us - and some more so than others, but recognising the fact is a good thing. I have a friend whom I love dearly, but if he's in a whinge mood and I'm not feeling crash hot myself I have to avoid him ... bit difficult when you are under the same roof....

Ok, sounds good Anorak.
Don't overdo it - and don't be on tenterhooks re DD if you can help it.pursue YOUR day, your agenda.

XXXXXD

Anorak--I do tend to have the "bleed-over" emotional effect too. If my DD is upset or sick, it is very difficult for me to separate myself and not let her feelings overlay my own. I wonder if your DD has a bit of the same thing going on with her too?

I am very much connected to my daughter (which I thought would change when she was no longer an infant). I used to be able to tell when she fell asleep even if she was in another roomit was like a light going out feeling. When she is upset or sick, I just have those feelings wash over me, whether it is just a heavy weight, or intense agitation or guiltI always have feelings associated with it. For me, I try my best to recognize it and be clear that these are not my feelings, but hers, and I usually try to offer her support if she will accept it.

The older she gets, the quicker she is to shut me out depending on my approach and how upset she is at the time. The teen-ager egocentric thing doesn't seem to jive with the bleed-over emotional thing, but I wonder if she too, is sensitive like her Mummy and she doesn't realize it is happening to her as much as to you.

I always want peace and I don't think I will really ever accept not having it, but I keep striving to adjust to all of these "interruptions" of my peaceful state. Have no idea if I am doing the right thing though! XO, Sunny

Hello all. I'm almost afraid to post this in case something happens to me in the next five minutes but I think I am over the worst.

Over the weekend I found I was feeling much more like my usual self, relaxing and laughing and enjoying all the usual things as normal again.

I realised that I've kind of put my life on hold during the holidays. I've lost my rhythm a bit since every five minutes there is a child who wants something to eat, or a lift somewhere, or a referee for a fight. I'm looking forward to coming home after the school run and knowing that I have 6 hours to get stuck in to a job - do some cleaning, or DIY, or crafting and not be interrupted. I hadn't really noticed before how disrupted I felt with the kids under my feet. I must say I was glad for the rest though. I'll miss getting up at 9 in the mornings.

I've spent all day out shopping with DD1, kitting her out for 6th form. It's her 16th birthday tomorrow and now I'm going to make her a cake and wrap the last few pressies before I go into my workshop and make her a card. Actually I feel a bit tearful that my eldest child will officially become an adult tomorrow. In a good way though, I think.

Thank you all for the support you've given me. Fairi, I did buy some milk thistle while I was out today and I'm still taking the tissue salts. DH and I finished our back garden at the weekend and it felt so good, after the years it has taken us. And we've started planning some social gatherings for the next few weeks, which I haven't felt up to doing for ages. My old energy is returning and I am feeling quite excited planning the weeks to come. And I have decided to re-start my diet and try to lose another stone before Christmas.

Thank you, thank you so much all you lovelies who helped me through this patch. I will come back to this thread if I go down again. xxxxx