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anorak would be grateful for some friendly support

235 replies

anorak · 20/07/2005 08:37

Further to chatting here I have realised that I am becoming depressed. I hope you don't mind my posting this thread asking for some day-to-day support for a little while. It would help me not to feel so alone. TIA xxx

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anorak · 17/08/2005 11:12

I've booked into a lovely riverside hotel for three nights this weekend. It's only a short train journey from where I live, nice and simple. Have strick instructions from dh not to try and solve anything but just to laze about.

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anorak · 17/08/2005 11:13

strict obviously!

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Christie · 17/08/2005 13:02

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Blu · 17/08/2005 13:21

hello MsAnorak, wonderful woman, sorry, I have been truly crap at keeping up with this thread. Also sort of feel I don't know what I can offer you, cos you seem to me to be the one who is good at emotional perception and strength and I feel a bit clumsy not knowing what I can possibly say. But I am thinking of you, and I am so very pleased to hear that you are off to a restful riverside.
Watch it all flow away, all that stress and upset. You have achieved SO much in the last few years, for you but especially for the poeple around you and those you love.
Who kows what one wekend away will achieve, but if it just a little time to rest and relax, that will be just that, a nice rest with realxation.

And I can tell you, there's an inner-mad woman of my own that will be struggling to sit beside you on that train and do the same thing. i do hope she won't be a nuisance.
XXXXXX

Blu · 19/08/2005 13:52

How you doing?

Christie · 19/08/2005 22:14

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sunchowder · 23/08/2005 00:31

Dear Anorak--I hope you had a wonderful weekend away and looking forward to hearing from you. I have been thinking of you. XO Sunny

essbee · 23/08/2005 01:32

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Blackduck · 23/08/2005 06:51

anarok, been following this thread off anf on - hope you had a good weekend away. I think you a a great woman, and wonderful mother, you just need space to learn that again IYKWIM..

Kayleigh · 23/08/2005 07:25

I saw Anorak on Thursday at our meet-up and she was much more like her old self.
Hopefully her weekend away (which she only mentioned every other sentence on thursday ) has done her the world of good.

Anorak, when you see this, I hope you had a fab weekend and it was everything you wanted. X

ninah · 23/08/2005 08:29

hope you had a good break anorak, sounds just the ticket

anorak · 23/08/2005 09:42

Ah,, thank you all for asking after me.

I was away 3 nights, and the time seemed to go by in a flash. I only really spoke to anyone the first night, but I didn't get bored and when it was time to go home I didn't want to go. It felt as if I needed perhaps a month in that hotel to get myself back to normal. However, three days without listening to my teenage daughters bickering or having pointless arguments with DD1 did give me a little chance to recover. I didn't have to cook, use a washing machine, stare at DIY jobs that are waiting for me, clean anything, wipe arses, drive a car, or do anything at particular times to fit into other peoples' routines. That was nice.

I wandered the shops, ate when I felt like it, drank wine, watched crap on the telly and read newspapers all the way through. I did my cross-stitch and read my Dr Phil book.

I also pulled! The first night I found out where there was a pub quiz (my favourite hobby) and went there. The barman paired me with a very nice man with whom I went on to win the quiz and be chatted up in a very unpushy way. He was drop-dead gorgeous and 9 years younger than me!

Had to tell him I love my husband and send him off into the night with a kiss on the cheek but it did my ego good anyway.

Downside - I felt ill most of the time I was there. Had terrible tummy upsets, headaches and great tiredness. Still looking like a panda.

Came home knowing that if I don't reduce my wine drinking and re-acquaint myself with vegetables and fruit I will die. Have done okay so far, two wine-free nights and extremely healthy food. Feeling physically better already but it's so tough not to reach for the wine bottle when my daughters start up, they leave my nerves in tatters. I still flare up at the slightest thing and feel long-term exhausted. Work still to do.

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fairyfly · 23/08/2005 09:52

Sounds like a really good break and its good to know you can enjoy yorself still and keep yourself entertained. Really important to know how to relax. It will be what prevents you going under.

Not drinking wine will get easier, you'll find something to replace it with when you get stressed. I have a punch bag fitted in my house. Really good!

ninah · 23/08/2005 09:59

you pulled! respect lol

Christie · 23/08/2005 11:10

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Christie · 23/08/2005 11:10

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Christie · 23/08/2005 11:12

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anorak · 23/08/2005 11:17

It wasn't exactly a lovely weekend, I'm afraid! I spent some of it lying on the floor of the room crying...I've got a long way to go yet. I'm just hoping I might be through the worst of it. I had to ask DH the other day how long I've been like this cos I can't work it out. Could be weeks or months, I'm not sure. It all happens so gradually.

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Blu · 23/08/2005 11:17

Oh Anorak, you are a one, aren't you?
Pulled, indeed!
It sounds as if the w/e was enough to give you a taste of what you need more of - and a bit of discipline around the vino and fruit and veg might well work wonders. It's SO easy to lapse out of healthy eating, isn't it? Thinking of you.
XXX

Blu · 23/08/2005 11:20

Sorry - cross posted with you.
This sounds so hard for you, Anorak.
It's not surprising you spent time crying - no one weekend is suddenly going to make you bettter if you are actually poorly.
You do sound quite poorly.
Don't feel that the w/e was a 'failure' because you didn't come out of it transformed - that would never have been possible. it was a little bit of fresha air, and at least somewhere peaceful to cry.
How are you today?

anorak · 23/08/2005 11:29

Hello blu. Still feel quite ill really, very flat. It's all peaceful at the moment as ds is at childminder and DD1 not yet up and about, only DD2 quietly reading. Have a list of jobs to do and can't face them.

I know there's grief inside me still to come out but I can't access it. It's bogging me down.

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Christie · 23/08/2005 11:56

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Blu · 23/08/2005 12:07

It sounds as if you have come so far and have now got stuck in a bunker.
Is it all grief? Anger? Anything else?

It sounds good that you can identify what is bogging you down.

Sorry you feel so flat.

XXX

Christie · 23/08/2005 12:14

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anorak · 23/08/2005 13:48

Don't apologise Christie.

Have just spent an hour making idle talk with my daughters which was nice. Normally I'd have created an agenda for myself for the day and wouldn't have had time. And for once they weren't arguing and DD1 is in quite a good mood!

I think that normally I fill my time so much that I never get a chance to 'stand and stare'. I feel I ought to keep busy as there is so much to do, sometimes it's a curse knowing how to do too many things and I have this tendancy to fill my time as I kind of feel safer if I know what's going to happen. Does that make any sense?

If I don't get some work done I feel useless, and that's been happening a lot lately. I plan out my days in lots of detail sometimes, often making list that I know I can't complete in a day - with an underlying morbid fear of being unable to prove my worth and thus (in my damaged psyche) not having any.

Even while I was away I caught myself getting really stressed because there was a museum near the hotel that sounded interested and I couldn't be bothered to wander round it. And there was a pool and spa in the hotel that looked gorgeous, but I couldn't muster the enthusiasm to get off my arse and go down there. I actually spent ages mentally trying to talk myself into it - I felt guilty because the facility was available and I was too lazy to enjoy it. I do this all the time.

A friend of mine prides herself on spending hours staring out of her kitchen window. She has 3 kids under 7 and is highly intelligent but has an emotional acceptance of her need at this stage in her life to give herself a break. I could learn so much from her in this respect but it's so hard to retrain my hyperactive mind and emotions into feeling okay about it.

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