Support thread for those with PND

[not4anotherday]

Hi there,

I thought a support thread might help me and others to get through this.

I think I have got PND again, I was diagnosed when my baby was about 5 months and took ads for a few months (I was ill and could'nt stomach them and thought I was ok without them).

Anyway it has dawned on me that it may well be back. I think a friendship (that was very special to me) ending may well have triggered it before christmas.

So, here I am just about to meet a friend (who is lovley) but I don't really feel like it and think this friendship will probably end at some point like most of them. I am worried that I will say or do something wrong. I know I need to get a grip.

Then there is the crying, unable to get off to sleep, late evening is when I feel worst.... snappy with the kids.....feel like I need to go on holiday and get away from it all (no my family).....will be but not for 5/6 weeks.

I keep worrying that DH is going to leave me - he might if I keep being so pathetic.

So, on that cheery note anyone else?

My sister's keeper is a brilliant book. I have read a few Jodi Picoult books- they are all good particularly 19 minutes and change of heart.

Enjoy!

Triggles- hope things are going better for you and you get a good night's sleep.

Well, both boys and DH are asleep. I am exhausted but cannot sleep. The stress is making my brain buzz along quite unpleasantly. This is DH's only night off work, and he's done the big sigh thing each time I've asked him to do anything regarding the kids, so I've given up on any help right now. Honestly, he's normally pretty supportive, but he just doesn't get that I'm barely hanging on here. I wanted to talk to him about it tonight, but he's just so uncommunicative right now, I don't want to start talking about it, as it'll just end up in an argument. I know for a fact that my brain is taking everything out of proportion, but HE's not hormonal. Just tired. You'd think he could be more patient and less crabby. I'm very much in a F it mood right now, I'll be damned if I'm going to tell him I need his help. I'm so angry at his attitude lately, I don't want his help. I'd rather struggle.. I've been doing it, I guess I will just continue

Morning lovley ladies,

Well I am here on my own, DC at school and nursery. Just having a little sit down before I start my chores.

I find the school run a real mix of feelings, on the one hand I like it because my girls are off to school for the day , it gets me and up and going but on the other hand I'm not a morning person and find the whole chatting to people hard - . It also feels like everyone knows each other and although I know lots of other mums - don't really know anyone well. I think I need to make more effort.

Triggles how are you feeling today?

I've just dropped off DS1 and DS2 and been to the doctors with DS3's eczema - we have a referral to the dermotologist so that's good I think as the creams we have aren't doing enough. DS3 slept through the whole experience though.

Know what you mean about school run. I miss out on the chat most mornings because we are always running late! It took me a while to make friends - it takes me ages. I have three very good friends now from DS1's class.

not4 I know what you mean about not knowing anyone well. It makes me feel a bit on the outside. And I think part of it is because it's so hard to make the effort sometimes. But small steps - playgroup tomorrow, and starting to get to know a few people. I've heard so much about the "schoolgate mafia" that I'm a little nervous about DS starting school. God, it just didn't seem this difficult when DD was little.

BBL Slightly better today. Still feel like I'm just putting on a mask for everyone and pretending to be normal. But did get out of the house, as DH & I went to Asda and picked up a few things we needed for his work lunches this week plus some babyfood. I initially wanted to avoid using jarred food (I know it's really frowned on here on MN too LOL), but I already have so much pressure on me now that I gave in and used jarred food, plus a mixture of some regular food when we can. I've mentioned to DH that some days lately I'm just barely coping, but I don't know if he really "gets it" how close to meltdown I am. I still have troubles communicating it, although I do try, as I don't want people to think I'm completely useless or barking. Does that make sense?

Triggles it makes total sense. I have told two of my friends from DS1's school about my 'post-natal issues' and I haven't told the other one and it's because she's the mother of four children and she's really got no sympathy for 'moaners and wingers'. I can't bare to tell her! It's so silly because she's a close friend but I really don't want her to think I am useless or barking either. Is your DH good at communicating? Or is he a bit of a head in the sand type? Perhaps he knows how you are feeling but not sure what to say?

It is blumin' freezing outside. Three trips to school today - bahhh too cold!

I know what you mean about the jar food. I felt like that about my problems with breast feeding and responses I got on MN about it when I posted about it on the 'breast and bottle feeding' section. Made me feel worse!

BBL I think he's so used to me being able to cope with anything that he isn't quite sure what to do. I also think that I am hesitant to tell him precisely how bad it can be, as I don't want to freak him out, IYSWIM, and so I soft-pedal it a bit. Which, of course, means that he doesn't get the full picture. We talked a little bit more today, and I'm slowly getting him to understand where I am without dropping the whole thing on him at once. And at least we're talking a bit and I feel a little better now for that. It eases the stress just that small amount that leaves some breathing room again. Like a vent to let out some of the pressure, for lack of a better way to put it.

So at least a step in the right direction.

And oh god, yes it's cold. I dread school runs starting in September. brrrrrrrrr and it's a long walk to our school!

I breastfed my other children, but had some tremendous difficulty with DS3, stemming from him having jaundice and a completely unsupportive midwife who basically told me I needed to be either breastfeeding, expressing, or topping up with formula (ideally according to her all 3!) every hour around the clock! (Apparently she didn't feel I needed sleep?!?? )She said if I didn't, and DS3 lost weight, she would force us to take him back to the hospital. I was a basket case, and it got to be so incredibly stressful that it affected both DS3 and myself. I finally told her "that's it, I'm feeding him with formula" after she demanded to know in ml's how much he had drank off each breast. (Do any of YOU have "ml" markings on the side of YOUR boobs?? Because I don't!! So how in God's name am I supposed to know that??) She started fussing at me that "breast is best" and I got angry and basically told her "my baby, my rules" and told her she didn't need to return, that I would be taking DS to the GP for further care. Stupid cow.

Thinking of you Triggles and hoping you are feeling bit better. Nothing wrong with baby jars. Mine were all weaned on them and eat normally now!

Know what you mean about making friends.

I survived the day on my own! Got discharged from the midwives and already feel like I am moving away from babyhood! Mixture of relief and sadness about this. I am feeling ok, not sure if this is the ADs kicking in?

becky7000 glad you're feeling a bit better today. I'm always excited as they grow and learn new things, but a bit sad for the newborn part left behind.

Still doing a little better tonight. Watching Blink (Dr Who) - my favourite episode. Cheers me up a bit. And just relaxing, without worrying about getting things done for now. Taking some "me time" as both boys (and DH) are in bed right now. Ok, DS2 is in bed, but awake, but he should nod off to sleep soon.

Morning all, I'm sleeping much better at the moment but sooo tired in the daytime. What's that all about? DS1 and DS2 at school and nursery, DS3 asleep in the hall so time for a bath I think with my book

Positive thing today? Going to the transition in motherhood group - I really enjoy going and DS3 gets to spend time in a creche next door which he loves! Also got to go to Tescos and buy pass the parcel present for DS2's birthday party (on Saturday in our house). I've got lots to do for his party... but he's sooo excited about having some friends over.

Becky glad you survived the day! I dreaded my DH going back to work after DS3 was born but it's never as bad as you expect.

Triggles we are big Dr Who fans in our house! DH was a member of DWAS when he was young (Dr Who Appreciation Society). He is a walking Dr Who encyclopedia.

Afternoon

BBL I dunno what that is all about, sometimes am like that myself. prehaps the body gets used to not having much sleep and if you have more - feel overslept? IYSWIM

I hope everyone is good today. I am having a good day on the whole, even though I've still got car trouble and a meeting for work (which involved chatting over coffee and cake) was cancelled. I've played with my baby lots and my house is a bit tidier so that has made me happy.
I have been dwelling on some of my friendships (or should I say ones which i have ended) I decided that I am sick of being a doormat ie the friend you tell your troubles to but I don't seem to get much back or the friend you can let down on a whim. I dunno prehaps i'm just a bitter old bag.

I'm the friend who can be let down on a whim!

BBL I'm that way too, although not getting enough sleep I think right now. But my body clock is so unbelievably messed up right now that it doesn't know which way is up! I do know that the few times in the past couple months that I have gotten a good 4 hour block of sleep or more, I've been so exhausted that I didn't MOVE the whole time I was sleeping and then woke up with a stiff aching back. Odd.

not4 sorry your work meeting was cancelled - sounded like you were looking forward to it. I'm envious of the tidier house! LOL I think I know what you mean about friendships, although I'm not sure if my perception right now is coloured by how I am feeling in general. I had good friends in the states, but they are still there, and I don't have as much contact with them (very much an out of site, out of mind thing, don't you think?). And I have DH's mum and sister, who are friends, but obviously I can't sniffle or vent about DH to them, can I? You know.. the kind of thing you normally vent or talk to a friend about. And I just don't know that many people here, certainly not any I would consider a very close friend in that regard that I see in person. So it all gets a bit lonely, which gets even worse when DH & I are stroppy with each other and then I have absolutely nobody to talk to. There are a few potential friends, but because of DH's work schedule, I can never really go out with them or enjoy a girl's night out or anything like that. Frustrating.

I was going to take the boys to playgroup this afternoon, but my stomach is playing up, and DS2 took a nap at lunchtime as he was up half the night, and I wasn't about to wake him up!!

Oh, and although tired and not feeling great, from an emotional/psych standpoint, I'm doing a bit better again today. DH was more supportive this morning, and I'm hoping we're seeing a bit more eye to eye on things as well. Maybe he is starting to understand a bit more....

I get that stiffness and aching when waking sometimes, I think mine is because baby sleeps in my bed so i don't want to move incase she wakes up!

Hello, Gosh it is quiet on here today!

I am bored.... just waiting for a lady I met at toddlers to come over for coffee. I have been cleaning and looking after my baby.... playing with the baby -fun, cleaning - I'm really not cut out for it. The house does look a bit better than it has been for ages, still not great by most peoples standards but at least I feel ok about having people round at the mo!!

I'm actually ok in myself today, I think the fixation on friendships is probably to do with PND. I defintley think the ads are helping along with this thread.

Positive for today - new potential friend coming over.

Mantra for now - I like myself.

not4 I'm not cut out for the cleaning either. LOL Glad you have a friend coming over. And I like the mantra - I may adopt it if you don't mind.

DS3yrs starts nursery for 2 half days per week next week. Tomorrow is a trial run, so he can just get used to playing there, with me still there. And they've said we can schedule another one before next Thursday if we'd like. The plan is for him to be there Thu/Fri afternoons, and then possibly add in Friday morning. That will give me one half day and one full day for more one on one with DS6mos as well as time to get some much needed cleaning done. Plus it gets him ready for a school environment and socialising with other kids. I fought it for a long time, but finally agreed that nursery can be a good thing.

I am still not getting much sleep, but am trying to steal an hour or two here or there when I can and with DH's help. He actually split his sleep today so that he could be awake for a couple hours in the middle of the day, so he could watch DS6mos while I took DS3yrs to a toddler group meetup at the local fire station to see the fire trucks. He loved it, but was rather hyper. I think because we don't go many places, he doesn't know much how to be patient and stand still and listen sometimes in public. Mainly because we're always home! So new goal added to start soon (DH's hours are less starting in April, so may start this then) - take DS3yrs out more so he learns the appropriate way to behave and a little patience in public. He's a runner, and we HAVE to sort this out. I think going out more and starting to reward him for staying put (and clamp down when he tries to run off) will soon get that under control.

Our positive for today was our trip to the fire station - we got out, DH got a taste of the split sleep that I've been dealing with (and was more sympathetic about it), and DS3yrs got some alone time out with me without his little brother tagging along.

Tomorrow's positive - the nursery afternoon - our first step towards a bit more time for me and DS3yrs prep for school.

Hello lovely ladies

I've not posted for a while but have been watching the thread. It's awful that we're all going through this but sooo good to know that your not alone!!

I've been having a crap time recently, I'm so confused with my feelings towards everything at the moment.

I love my DS 4 yrs and DD almost 2 so much but have so little patience with them, I seem to shout constantly and I feel ashamed of myself this is not the kind of mother I wanted to be. I am parenting like my own mum did and I hated it as a child and I hate that I am inflicting it on my own DC, I spend the day counting the hours till bedtime but as soon as they're both asleep I feel guilty as hell for my behaviour.

How do I change? I don't want to be like this!!

I've completely switched off emotionally. I don't even know how I feel about DH any more. I love him, we still have a laugh and talk.. He is my best friend but ever since DS came along and the PND set in I can't stand DH touching me intimately it literally makes me want to cry when he tries to initiate sex (Its a miracle that we conceived DD).

DH asked me the other day if I just love him as a friend but I honestly don't know anymore I don't want to be without him but is this because of habit or do I really love him?

Are my feeling toward DH (or should I say lack of feelings) a symptom of PND??

I feel like this bloody illness is stripping me of everything.

Narketta I don't think I shut off emotionally from DH until I get incredibly angry, then I shut off as a safety valve kind of thing. It's either shut off or go off, IYSWIM. I will say it has affected our closeness, which is frustrating, because closeness (cuddling, sitting together, and such) are things that could probably make me feel better or more supported sometimes, emotionally. But I do feel a bit like there is a wall between us and I'm looking through the breaks in the wall sometimes.

I try very carefully to separate the anger and frustration feelings from the boys, as I've always been terrified of those stories of women with that postnatal psychosis that actually harm their children - and I'm terrified that if I ever allowed the anger to be directed at them, what would happen? I can't ever imagine hurting them, but it's so scary. I think that's the part of the PND that scares me the most, feeling out of control sometimes. Thankfully, I seem to be able to partition it somewhat.. but that means poor DH takes the brunt of my frustrations.

Hi Triggles
My DH's shifts are all over the place so most of the time I feel that he doesn't fully appreciate how difficult it is being at home all day with the DC. And sadly because he isn't here much when my temper flairs it is the DC who get the brunt of it although I would never physically harm them like you said I am scared that I feel so out of control.

I think I need to speak to my GP again. I'm not on anti depressants at the moment and tried to avoid them because when I've taken them in the past I felt that they didn't help but I can't carry on like this. I was refered for counselling a year ago and got as far as the assessment and have been on the waiting list ever since. maybe I need to try something different.

Narketta My DH works shiftwork as well, mostly nightshift. So he's gone at night and sleeping during the day, which means he's pretty inaccessible most of the time. So I often feel that he doesn't quite understand how difficult it is as well, although to be fair I truly need to get better at communicating it to him as well. I have a tendency to just simmer all day when things upset me, then vent when he gets up or gets home.

I'm a bit hesitant to do the ad's.. mainly because I've never had them before. I promised my DH that if I ever felt that I felt I needed them or felt that I was spiralling completely out of control, that I would say something to him right away. I don't think I've reached that point yet. I'm stressed and unhappy, but I can sometimes pull my head above water to see rationally so I'm holding off a bit longer. If I start feeling like I'm sinking, then I'll be off to GP right away. We have to do whatever we need to do to feel more like ourselves, don't we?

Hello had a stressful day. DVLA fined me for not getting my car taxed - I haven't driven it since before DS3 was born and forgot about the tax!! Then we couldn't find the MOT certificate and DH giving me stroppy comments. So I got upset, then took DS3 to the post office and he screamed the whole time and the guy was trying to tell me I had forgotten some random document but I couldn't hear him. Then at tea time DS3 crying, DS1 and DS2 had turned the house into a tip, me trying to cook their tea, I have a stinky cold too. Ahhhhhh! Meltdown! But we're all alright now. DS3 chilling on the floor sucking his hands now.

BBL Oh my it does sound like a stressful day! Hope you're taking some time to relax tonight! And hope tomorrow is a bit calmer for you!

Oh thank god, I had a pretty good day today! Combine that with the fact that I didn't even get done all I planned, and I STILL feel pretty good (although a bit tired), I'm pretty pleased.

I took some edge off my recent anger to vent at some annoying people on AIBU as well. Shame on me!

And I went to a nursery yesterday that I just didn't like for DS3yrs. On the recommendation of a friend I have recently met, I checked out a preschool that is not too far from us, and I absolutely loved it!! Perfect for DS3yrs and small and personal and very good with the children. And friend's 3yo DS goes there as well, so my DS knows at least one child there. (It's actually the same place that has the toddler group that I just started, but silly me didn't even think to check it out as a preschool!) So DS can go there starting next week, 4 (3hr) sessions per week, and there's another 3hr session opening up after Easter, so he can spend one full day there per week and 3 half days. Brilliant!! And DS loved playing there today while I met with them. I just had a good feeling about this place.

The bank made an error on our account, putting two charges on it in error. I called them and they've already corrected the first one, and are investigating the second one as they said it shouldn't be there either, so they need to find out why it went on there. Hopefully that will be corrected soon.

I felt a bit bad as DH didn't get much sleep today, as I had to run some errands that absolutely HAD to be done, but were unplanned. But he's getting some sleep this evening for a bit, and it's dreadful of me to say but it always seems to drill home to him exactly how miserable it is for me when I haven't gotten sleep during the night with the kids.

How is everyone else doing today?? Positives??

Hey everyone... (EM here just incase you'd forgotten!)

Haven't got time to read through everything, but really hope you're okay. Am playing the "pretend everything is right as rain whilst I scream inside" game again. Really struggling. Therapist didn't turn up today (helpful) and both my arms are very sore. I'm so angry at myself but its the only way I can hold it together. I'm sorry if that's too much information, but I don't know who else to tell.

My parents have friends and relatives tracking me on facebook so have to have cheery, happy-go-lucky status updates so they don't know. Having them watching over my shoulder makes it more difficult. They don't know my new screen name on here.

Anywho - seeing DP tomorrow. That's good. Picking up new pictures from Boots of DS, which will be nice. And the smiles from DS are beautiful, getting cheekier every day.

Love and strength to you all. x