Support thread for those abused (whatever the abuse)

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There seems an opportunity here to join together and provide support for each other wherever we are on our journey to recovering.

Post whatever you need, ideas, coping mechanisms, books you've found helpful, therapy techniques .....and anything else.

No sorry's needed
Its me that should be sorry

NO!!!! You feel the way you do. My dh sometimes wanted to be dead and my philosophy is if he feels it I rather know about it.

rhksmum - hope wed is a better day for you.

A little light in my darkness - is after 6hrs of meetings over 2 weeks, the 7page letter written by a junior doctor that has caused me real distress (justifiably according to some medical people) is now in the process of being recalled. Am still not knowing what is to be written instead, but feel heard - and it is not me that got it recalled cos I didn't like it, but a whole group of medical people who disagreed with it and got upset about what it said about them.

Still distressed, still crying - but clinging on in more positive way and am thankful prayer's answered!

Hope you feeling less anxious about that visit to police - how long are you planning to be abroad for?

Kezzie

Saw psychologist today, not seen her for nearly 2 weeks, had lots in my head I needed totalk about but when I went in I did my usual and hid behind my daughter. Spent the session mainly taking about her, how she made me feel, how I felt I deserved what she does to me. In some ways she reminds me of my dad, when she starts hitting me I go back to that small child that was battered black and blue, I struggle to see that its my 11 yr old daughter doing that to me and not my dad. I struggle to see her as her rather than me at that age.
I'm struggling with what happened last year to her and I really needed totalk about that today but I couldn't, I was scared she would tell me to shut up, to stop going on about it like my friend did the other night.
I've just sent the psychologist a letter telling her all this, telling her scared I was/am to say what I needed to, how I now have my weeks worth of medication and I know I could do some serious damage with it, I feel like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place, if I dont collect my meds I'm no good to any one but if I do collect them then I have the means to leave this world or at the very least do myself some serious damage.

I dont know what I'm doing anymore, I'm really scared, I'm struggling to work out whats real and whats in my head.

Still no appointment from psychiatrist, no cpn til next week but think I will need to try get her tomorrow, I'm really not coping at all and I'm scared of the consequences if I dont start to cope again

I've been doing alot of thinking today, along with crying, getting angry and feeling nothing.

I'm getting angry at the wrong people, I'm angry at my children for making me have to stay here, for constantly fighting and arguing.
I'm angry at me ex for not fighting enough to see his children and treating them the way he does.
I feel so sorry for my children, for the life I brought them into, they deserve so much more than I can ever give them.
I can get angry at everyone but the people I should be angry with.

I'm tired of being made to feel like I dont matter, it takes alot for me to pick up the phone and say I'm not coping but when no one calls you back you begin to wonder if you really are unhelpable, that you dont deserve to be helped. I dont want much, I just wanted someone to listen to me today, to make what I was seeing going away and to stop the thoughts.

I hope everyone else is doing ok

Hi rkhsmum - I really can't believe that cpn of yours. What on earth does she get paid for.

You are right that you are angry at the wrong people (I feel so that you feel angry at your kids for 'keeping you here' because well really it would be good if you just wanted to stay really).

Again it is something we all seem to share or at least a lot of us. I can't get angry at the b*tard who did all this to me...If I was then reporting him next week would be so much easier!!!

Yes how is everyone else?

I'm really tired and this permanent ball of stress has taken up residence in my stomach. It's coming close now and the one day at a time is no longer working quite so well!!

Seeing my therapist this morning for the first time in a month (we 'saved' our last few sessions to put them around my trip) We will go abroad Monday, return Friday, then back to work (after six months) the following Monday, probably office closure announced Wednesday, meeting new counsellor Thursday and last meeting with current therapist Friday. Errrm, I think I have a lot on!!!

Well she phoned me today, I told her how I was feeling, that I didnt want to be here anymore, she says that there's nothing they can do for me, all they can do is listen to me and try and reduce the distress I'm feeling

She's gonna get the crisis team to phone tonght and if I need support from them over the weekend I've tophone them.

There's no point anymore
I give up

Don;t give up

Let us be your support. You will get through this and the thoughts will go away.

rhks she accepts and acknowledges that things are bad for you - she has no quick fix remedy to help you feel better. No one has. Hugs, sorry you feel so low x

Don't give up - whichever way you twist wriggle or squirm it your kids need you. even your 11 year old, or maybe particularly her.

And you'r not on your own, I'm here and on fb and others are as well. Hang in there. Or ring the Samaritans totally anonimously and have a huge rant.

Marking thread for now...willsurvive posted on my thread..

Hi, I am Mitts...

I know no one can fix this and thats what makes it more scarey,
I really am on my own with this, I'm scared that they're always going to be there, its not like I've broke my leg and they can put a plaster on it and in how ever many weeks it will be fixed and I can move on, its not like that
This is so hard, harder than it was when I was going through the @bu$e, at least then I knew what to expect, but this I dont

don't give up rhksmum... please do't give up.

I had terrible problems with my DS's anger management and he is almost better now. Your DD can be helped. I could write a very long post about him and what we have been through, and he wanted to die because of it. He is 12 now and out with his friends and texts me to say he loves me. It can be turned around. It took nearly 3 years to sort out. They were hard and I sometimes wanted to give up, to let go, to stop fighting, but please, please don't.

No, it's not like moving on from a broken leg, but it is like being a russian doll and doing your best to heal and mend the broken layers and then making a new layer for the you you would most like to be.

I don't know how old you are.... but don't stop believing in making the future yours....

hi,
can i join if it's not me that's been abused but a family member?

i really just wanted some advice on how to help her deal with it and also how to manage the repurcusions across the family - the abuser is a step family member...

Mitts glad you came over - my therapist called me a set of Russian dolls as well...all perfect little dolls, shiny outside, none of them touching the others. Was in a convo about splitting.

Driedapricots - we would not be much use if we let others suffer. Tell us what you want to know and I'm sure if we can help we will. Just in terms of wider family implications it may be hard for us (well let's stick to myself instead of speaking for others) to help there as we're so in the middle of things ourselves.

ok..not sure where to start really. my neice has accused my gt auntie's stepson of sexually abusing her a few years back when she was 9 and he was 18. she has gone to the police and we are quite far along the process now with him being charged with various things..he's pleading guilty to most charges and he's had preliminary hearings - we're just waiting for a crown court date. she is in the middle of GCSES and goes from being happy go lucky, putting on a brave face perhaps to lots of crying..actually as i'm writing this i am realising i'd need to write a book to explain the entire situation. i guess my main questin is how often should i ask her how she's feelign/coping..? i feel sometimes like none of us really talk about it but equally i dont want to keep reminding her if she doesn't want to talk/share.
the other issue is that my gt aunty seems to be 'supporting' the stepson - he still lives there and they take him to court etc, they've even taken him onm holiday...we're all so angry about this as she also wants to 'be there for my neice' (we're a close family) but we feel she can't do both??? plus my mum,her sis, is standing up for her saying things aren't black and white and that 'he' needs support too...??? he's a 24 yr old man now. sorry, i realise this is all garbled but this has hit our previosuly close family like a ton of bricks and we're all finding it really hard to deal with...ton the point that we're not..it is like a dirty family secret we rarely talk about now - i guess this is a normal reaction?
plus, it shouldn't be about the family, but about my neice and how she's coping - surely. she's the 'victim'.
any advice very welcome

Wow - your poor niece - how brave is she!!! I was abused at the same age by a teacher and I'm only dealing with it now (35). It is fantastic that the matter is coming to court, especially if he's pleading guilty because that should mean she doesn't have to give evidence.

In terms of asking her how she is my philosophy is that with something this big you might as well ask because she's likely to be thinking about it all the time anyway. And knowing that you care will be very important to her especially if she is aware of the gt aunt's behaviour. Unfortunately the gt aunt's behaviour is so common you'd almost call it normal . There's a lot coming at her and if she admits her stepson has done all this wrong she has to accept that he is not who she thought he was and quite possibly feel that she's failed in his upbringing. Not an excuse you understand, more an explanation.

This is huge and you cannot give her too much support, she needs it. The only thing she doesn't need is to be made to talk if she doesn't want to. The most important thing is to go at her pace and let her be in control.

I would recommend contacting safelineif you want to talk about it in detail. They have a good helpline and their website has info for friends and family.

Driedapricots for your niece. And as willsurvive says, she is very brave and courageous. Willsurvive gives good advice.

If I add my own thoughts, I would say there may be times when she does want to forget and just be a 'normal' teenager, so maybe some opportunities to go to a concert, a shopping trip, girly nights in where she feels 'safe' to just be a daft kid. It will be a shadow for her, but she also needs to know that this experience does not need to 'define' who she is. Is she having counselling? It doesn't suit everybody but I wish I had stuck with it when I was much younger.

For me, there were times when I wanted to talk about it to someone close but was also frightened about the thought that that this person knew something so private about me and that it would be hanging in the air all the time. I have found counselling helpful for this as it means where details are concerned, one day I will walk away, having shared the burden but not have to see her in my everyday life. This is a personal thing though and may not be what your niece wants.

I have spent so much of my life feeling dirty and ashamed and guilty, that somehow it was my fault, I guess I would have to say finding a way to make sure she doesn't feel the same would be a big thing to me because it has affected who I am quite badly. I would hate to think of a young woman with the rest of her life ahead of her feeling this way.

thank you ladies. your advice is really helpful

Oh dear have done so well until now but the panic has kicked in - just taken rennies in the hope to settle my stomach and rescue remedy. Have pain in my chest and feel distant from the world. Dinner guests tonight and church tomorrow to get through yet, but have had to start preparing for trip (shopping, washing, green card for car arrived). Help!

willsurvivethis - have been thinking of you and wishing you luck. You are doing the right thing.

I wonder if I could ask some advice of those of you who've reported abuse?

I mentioned earlier my (extremely toxic) mother's sexually inappropriate behaviour - stuff she did in front of me in my early teens that I now know, or at least I think I do , was sexual in nature. I feel I want to tell the police but don't feel ready to press charges as such - though am aware that its my word against hers and it would not necessarily go to court anyway etc. But I think I want it to be on "record" in case someone else comes forward in future. Does anyone know if its possible to do this?
I just don't want the whole thing to run away from me before I'm ready, and also face repurcussions from her and family - she would be violent.
I've already told someone and am worried about it getting back to my mother - would she then be able to press charges against me - for libel / slander or something? I don't really have any other support other than dh, who is good but is worried that I'll have no family left if I go ahead.
Thanks if any of you can advise.

mynewme

When I was r@ped a few years ago I felt I couldn't press charges after things went so wrong whilst reporting my @bu$er$, I had asked my counsellor if I could just put it on file until I had decided what I wanted to do. She contacted the police who said no I couldn't do that as the other person couldn't defend themselves, my thoughts were the same as yours, if it was on file then if some one else came forward it would be make for a stronger case.
On the other hand the same counsellor contacted the police where my family stay and my d@ds name was put on file there for future reference.

So I guess every where is different, can you phone them and just ask what their procedure is?

Willsurvive I will be on facebook for a while and prob most of tomorrow if you need to talk,

Hope everyone else is doing ok

Thank you rhksmum. I think, as you suggest, I might have to take the scary step of phoning and asking what the procedure is.

Hope you are keeping ok.

Driedapricots - so sorry for the situation your family has been in. Encouraging to hear your neice has your support - I guess asking her what support she would like, if you not already done so may help. I told one friend I just wanted her to "be normal -do normal stuff with, like shopping etc" cos I needed one person close to me that I could do things with, without having to talk. Like willsurvivethis said, being there for her is massive.

Willsurvivethis - was thinking of you today, and will be this coming week. To be anxious sounds a totally normal reaction to the amount of activities you have on in the coming fortnight, no mind about what you will be doing. Really hope it goes as well as it can for you, with police, with support over there and with your parent and the decision you make regarding informing him. Those therapy sessions you saved sounds well timed.

Well cpn didnt turn up, I phone 45 mins after she was supposed to arrive to be told she would phone me.

She was caught up in something and that was the first chance she had to call me.

FFS do I not matter anymore? I really needed to see her today, things are really bad, but she cant see me until monday and I have to go to her at the centre, which means I wont be able to talk to her as I hate that place, it scares me, I dont feel safe there.

I dont know what to do anymore, I dont want to be here anymore, tired of feeling like I dont matter, that maybe if they ignore me enough I will tell them all to go away

It doesn't matter, nothing does anymore

Hiya - just a five second update - they found him, he's too ill to teach anymore so that's good, not so good it is officially too late to press charges (statutory limitations) and no one else has ever complained against me. They have spoken to my formed head master who remembers nothing. Needless to say not doing too great right now and having to keep brave face on for dad.