Could we have a support thread for those who have manic depressive illness / bipolar disorder?

[electra]

I don't see it talked about much here but it is quite common - I can't believe there are not other Mners who have it? Even if you name change it would help to hear how you manage your lives with it, etc.

I take medication, having had times where I didn't want to /self-medicated with alcohol etc....I find that it helps but I do still have relapses and after dd3 was born had to go into hospital for a month because sleep disrupted nights and stress with family made me get unwell.

All in all I find it exhausting to live with as well as frustrating.

do come back to the thread purpleone ,at least there is someone to talk to here.I hope you get some rest.

I will come back. need to get something to eat and close my eyes for a while.
Sometimes I MN at ridiculous hours of the night...

i hope you will manage to get some rest,especially as you dont have the children to see to.You do need to make sure you eat even if its only soup or something like that.

PurpleOne - it sounds like you are having a very hard time, indeed. I do understand the feelings of desperation myself. I often feel very alone and like I am searching for something but I tend to hold on to the wrong person, or someone who has similar issues to me when the rain sets in...

Thanks everyone for posting. Rones - I have never had delusions of grandeur either but my episodes have been mostly hypomanic, which is not full blown mania but the stage before that. I have had delusions about demons though. I also have strange dreams which contain symbolism. Luckily I now have a psychiatrist who knows me well and she knows when I am getting unwell - I also have a social worker and a CPN. But when I started off with problems I was not even referred at first and told that I just needed to take antidepressants and I would get better. Unfortunately it wasn't that simple! PurpleOne - it sounds like you need a lot more support than you are getting but in the meantime do keep posting....and if anyone wants my MSN you can have it if you want to talk.

I've never had full blown mania either. Although just the once I did hear voices.
Not been able to sleep - my mind won't switch off. Just every so often I'll get that burst of energy, need less sleep and spend money like crazy!
I borrowed money to pay off debts...I spent it all....Debts are still there!

One of the things that does bother me is dreaming stuff and thinking it happened for real.
Like I told off DD2 a few weeks back for eating all the ice cream.
What ice cream mummy?

I've been trying to tell the psych that every time I start these silly meds, I go on a downer realy badly. they started me off on 20mg 2 weeks ago...then a straight jump to 40mg last week. I felt better without them.

MSN also sounds good. x x

electra,i was interested to see you post about demons,for a time sis was heavily involved in some strange religious group and she used to get so frightened in the middle of the night ,she thought that someone was coming in ,then sitting on her bed and that she was at risk ,to help her to cope with this .i bought hera little guardian angel on a chain which she wore evey night to bed,and whilst this didnt stop it altogether ,it helped her and she felt a bit safer.She used to see other things in her kitchen as well.One of the other things that she tried was she went off to a remote retreat for 3 weeks ,she wasnt allowed to even speak to anyone in that time ,not even at meal times,no phone no nothing.No meat,no short skirts,no makeup was all very strange,but of course it didnt cure her.She was supposed to tell them about her mental position but didnt as they wouldnt of taken her as its stated on their website .Again this was expensive ,even though they say they dont charge you ,you are expected to make a significant donation.

anyway folks ,if i can help you ,at least by chatting i will.I promise there is a light at then end of it all ,it just may take a time ,Now i am off to watch the tele for a bit.goodnight

night night mummylin - thanks for talking to me tonight x x

mummyline - your sister is very lucky to have such an insightful, concerned and caring sister as you, we all need someone like you in our lives but alas that's always possible!

Thanks again for explaining the symptoms a little more to me, I don't get full blown mania for sure but the hypomania sounds quite like me and I've just been looking up symptoms on the net. I've been advised that I should probably take a mood stabiliser which would be more appropriate to the moods I have. I've taken various Ads previously which although I haven't had side effects from, don't seem to have helped much. PurpleOne - the problem with ADs is that it can take time to find the right one for you which doesn't help much when you're feeling the awful side effects of the ones that aren't working very well. Hope you find something that works soon...

How are you doing this morning? did you seek any help last night or are you preparing to receive your children home from holiday? Btw, well done for not drinking last night - you could have but you chose not to. Hope things look a little clearer this am.

Another thing I wanted to ask is re drugs.. I went through a phase in my 20s of taking quite a lot of ecstasy recreationally (as well as drinking more than I should, smoking, smoking weed sometimes, a few lines of coke) and used to get just the worst comedowns ever.... I twice spent a whole week totally incapacitated and feeling like I could'nt even get up - it was truly horrendous. I know the drug taking isn't the cause of my depression (as I've suffered since 14) but obviously I know this didn't help me and worry I've done myself long term damage. I suppose we'll never know until later down the line.... I regret it in some ways but know there's nothing I can do now and I don't do any of these things now and only drink alcohol minimally.

The other thing that happens is that I've always had a huge fear of death and it clouds everything with thoughts such as 'what's the point in anything as we all die in the end anyway'. I've never come to terms with death really and find the idea so hard to cope with I almost can't bear it but know I have no choice - does that make sense?

Anyway, thanks for all your support and all the best for today PurpleOne.

good morning to you all,purpleone ,i do hope you managed to get some rest and that your mood has picked up a little with the thought of your children coming home.Are they coming today ? For the rest of you ,i wish i could do something to help you all ,i know the terrible times that can happen with this illness,and dont forget this is what it is. Holding out a virtual hand for you all.

Ayup - I'm really pleased that you manage to escape any bad episodes whilst pregnant and after the birth. I was anxious leading up to the birth that I might suffer PND having suffered depression in the past and unfortunately it hit me harder than I could have possibly imagined. I pretty much 'lost it' the night after I had my dd but managed to somehow pull myself together enough to look after her and breastfeed for 11 months although I did go on ADs (sertraline) when dd was 10 weeks old as I couldn't carry on as I was. My dr decided on these ADs as thought to be the safest when breastfeeding. My dd is absolutely fine, happy and gorgeous (amazing really as I worry she might have been 'damaged' in some way by my state of mind). I think your thoughts about worrying you might harm your dd in some way are classic symptoms for PND at least and I had horribly distressing thoughts until my dd was about 4 months that I was going to literally throw her out of the window. I was absolutely terrified that I might do it and what would happen after (ie. I'd get taken away, sectioned etc...). On reflection I realise that this was really my mind's way of saying I couldn't cope and wanted to run away from the situation I was in.

Maybe you could speak to your doctor about putting you on something that is safe whilst breastfeeding? I found this was the best option for me all things considered.

I have been feeling terrible today and the black fog is really coming down around me. I have lost count of the amount of times I have cried and posting on here seems to be my only release at the moment and somewhere to get some reassurance. My dh is fantastic but he's heard it all before and really doesn't know what he can do for me - just be there, which I am very grateful for. One of my big issues is really lonely and isolated. Although I have friends, people lead busy lives and I feel like I make the effort much of the time or I can't face anyone because I'm scared of admitting just how bad I feel. It's bank holiday tomorrow and my dh is working and I will potentially spend all day alone with dd. I do find the though rather daunting and just wish someone would pop round and give me a little support. I so wish my parents were close by but they are not and no other family either - I really do feel so alone. I think this is part of the depression too.

I think I will sit down with my CBT book this evening and actually try to put some of the exercises into practice whilst I feel so bad. The irony is that when you feel down it's the last thing you want to do!

Anyway, thanks again all for your support and let's keep the thread going. Hoping to hear how PurpleOne has got on today....
x

rones ,i can assure you that if your friends are true friends ,they will be there for you ,no they may not understand the illness ,but they can give you a hug and listen ,and listening is very important.Dont go on pretending to everyone that all is well.You will be surprised how your mates will rally round.

thanks mummylin - I've just called a friend (and cried down the phone unfortunately!) and she's coming round to see me tomorrow morning. She was lovely and understands what depression is about. Thanks for the advice - I really didn't want to call anyone but I know that getting support is the only way forward. thanks again

ah thats great to hear that you will have someone to talk to ,as i say your friend may not understand about the illnes ,but im sure she will be supportive to you.It so hard to watch someone you care about go through this especially when it can be sucha complex ilness,but you will get there im sure, good luck tomorrow.

Just checking in. Am ok for now. (just about)
Still feeling dead inside and have done nothing today/tonight.

DDs got back this morning. DD1 has complex first degree sunburn on her back, with a nasty brown patch on her shoulders. With skin cancer running in my side of the family, you'd think that exh would have kept them all covered up.
Docs for me and vets for cat on Tuesday. Docs for DD1 on Weds if nothing has improved. Just popping by to say hello.

Hugs to everyone x

sorry to see about dd,s sunburn purpleone,how are you feeling now ? have you managed to eat and get some sleep ? rones i hope your day has gone well with your friend and that you dont feel so alone now.

thanks mummylin - my friend literally spent all day with me and dd and I we had a very bonding day talking about everything - she has been through a hell of her lot herself and has had experience of mental health problems and so was such a huge help. I cried quite a few times in the morning but didn't feel the need as the day wore on... it was very reassuring. At the moment I'm feeling like a bit of a zombie & exhausted, which tends to happen when my mind has been working overtime. I'm feeling the fog gently lifting and being very kind to myself. Thanks for your support. Purpleone - I hope your dd's burn has been seen too, I'm sure it was distressing to see. Hope you are feeling a little better too - of course I know as well as anyone it doesn't change overnight but things can become manageable and even good with time, patience and support. I hope you can find support from somewhere as everyone needs that xxx

i am glad to see that your day has gone well.I think it helps a great deal to have someone you can trust utterly,someone that you dont have to try and cover up things.That must be a strain in itself ,so now for you hopefully that will be lessened a little.Good on you for speaking about it all to your friend.

i have to say ayup ,i wasnt all sweetness and light all of the time ,but as i have said previously ,we had agreed to differ and not to let anything brew into a big row ,it really was qite simple ,she is my sister and she needed help from me, have to say that sometimes she drove me spare and just despaired,but we got there in the end.

how heartbreaking for your parents.Yes i agree that people think when you are discharged that you are now well again ,how wrong they are ! to me thats when a lot of the problems became more apparent with my sister,and yes she would be the first to say that she really needed the support.She seemed to avoid everyone ,old workmates ,friends most of the family ,she felt so ashamed and wouldnt tell anyone but me the truth,the awkward thing is she always made me promise not to reveal anything she had told me ,so it was difficult when our mum asked me about it,i used to tell mum somethings so she didnt feel entirely left out but hide others so she wouldnt worry too much.Yes in hindsight it was such a difficult time and awful to watch it happen.

Hi - still here, I need to catch up with this thread! I hope everyone is ok. Ayup - how interesting - when I am pregnant I also feel and act completely normal. In fact, during my last pregnancy I can't begin to describe how much of a relief it was. Having had various episodes of mania/hypomania and a horrible depressive one in April last year where I was seriously contemplating suicide, I became accidentally pregnant in July and for 9 months was able to enjoy my children and everything, make sensible decisions and afforded the luxury of not being tormented by my thoughts! I look back on it frequently and wish I could feel that way again. I am better on medication but even then never as well as when I'm pregnant. My psychiatrist also noticed how well I was when I was pregnant.

How right you are, too about depression - I have had depressive episodes where I feel as if I am in hell but always found that I arouse everyone's concern much more when manic/hypomanic. I think it's because when I'm like that my behaviour is unpredictable. It is such a hard illness to live with, but at the same time I do believe that I have experienced depths of emotion and appreciated the beauty in some things that I wouldn't otherwise have because of the illness, although obviously the flip side of it is very unpleasant and it's not something I would want other people to know.

it sounds like you have been through so many various emotions electra and i know from my sisters point of view she too liked to keep things hidden.I cant begin to know how it feels for you all because i havent been in your shoes ,i can only say what happened in my own family . It is a terrible illness to have to bear and i hope by sharing it with others it will help you all to cope a little better,I will leave this thread now as i am really a fraud for being here as i do not suffer any mental illness,i will pop by and see how you all are now and again if that is ok with you all.good luck.