I've stopped eating.

[KayHarkerInTheBackOfTheQuattro]

I've had a rotten few months, for one reason or another, culminating in an incident with my husband a few weeks ago.

I've only just registered that since then, I'm not eating very much. It's partly a lack of appetite, and partly because I just don't feel like eating when everyone else does. My eating habits are all messed up - no breakfast, and I've just had a pot noodle snack and that's the first thing I've eaten today. I'm existing on cups of tea and coffee, and if I'm honest, I think I'm getting used to the feeling of control over what I eat and when.

This isn't normal, really, is it?

Kay, sadly I think your background conditioned you to believe that men are entiteld to beat up disobedient women. They are not. Nice men do not invariably resort to violence when women disagree with them or see no reason to obey them just because they have dicks. Nice men accept that women are human beings with full autonomy. Your father was a shit (I remember you saying that he was a total liberal until you did something he didn;t agree with and then he beat you up).and so's your husband. Sorry but he is. He's been taking advantage of the patriarchy thing for years, and now he sees his control slipping he is getting violent, because he doesn't want to acknowledge what a selfish exploitative tosser he has been and is being.

gizmo, sorry I didn't CAT you - the thunderstorm yesterday whacked my net connection, and I didn't know for how long it would be, and in the interim, I've organized something else, I'm going to stay with a friend in a nearby city over the weekend now.

Had a very bad night last night where he admitted he was terrified I was going to leave after the weekend, and I told him that I might, but he couldn't control me going, and what was going to happen would just have to happen.

Didn't help that last night was the night Ds worked out how to get out of his cot with his gro-bag on, so it was fun and games to the wee small hours.

Custy, thanks for your post, I recognize a lot of what you describe.

I think I'm faintly horrifed at the thought of acknowledging I've been abused again. It was only a couple of years ago that I realized that having my face held under a running tap and furniture broken over me by my mum when I was younger was abusive. It never even occured to me before that, it just was what happened to me.

I've got a lot of thinking to do over the weekend, that's for damn sure.

I'm so glad you are getting away this weekend. Make sure you are very kind to yourself and do lots of restful things if you can - strong emotion of any kind, positive or negative, is exhausting - and your life would be tiring anyway, without all this crap.

Whatever you do, Kay, it sounds like you'll never be the abysmal parents that your own parents were to you. Hang on to that.

Very pleased you're going to get some peace, Kay. That's the main thing. The amount of mental energy you must be burning right now to keep going even though you're low must be stupendous.

How's the eating?

Well, today I've had a cheese, mayo and jalapeno sandwich, and I've made a bolognese for tea, so better than yesterday.

Cheese, Mayo and Jalapeno?

Something from all the essential food groups there, then

jalapeno, part of your five a day, naturally.