I've stopped eating.

[KayHarkerInTheBackOfTheQuattro]

I've had a rotten few months, for one reason or another, culminating in an incident with my husband a few weeks ago.

I've only just registered that since then, I'm not eating very much. It's partly a lack of appetite, and partly because I just don't feel like eating when everyone else does. My eating habits are all messed up - no breakfast, and I've just had a pot noodle snack and that's the first thing I've eaten today. I'm existing on cups of tea and coffee, and if I'm honest, I think I'm getting used to the feeling of control over what I eat and when.

This isn't normal, really, is it?

KayHarker, I don't know you so I hope you don't mind me butting in.

You do know that all this stuff about your husband not letting you have healthcare is very very wrong, don't you? I am sure many others are better placed to give practical advice about if you have to leave, etc. But to me it doesn't sound like an "if": you can't be staying in a place / relationship where you are not "allowed" healthcare.

Please get help, even if you have to keep it secret at first. This is not to be taken at all lightly.

You aren't blowing it out of proprotion. It is a big thing. Of course I can't say anything about what action you should take bcs I don't know the kind of relationship you generally have with him. But it does truly sound like you need to talk to a cousellor or therapist about your feelings. I find it hard to imagine someone of your strength and independence of mind submitting to unreasonable control without suffering inside.

Hi Kay,

I've also been there and no it's not normal but as others have said, it is a recognised way of trying to have control when everything is going a bit pear-shaped. Unfortunately, understanding that on one level doesn't necessarily give you all the tools you need to stop doing it. It can just become a default setting for coping with any kind of stress.

Really sorry to hear about all you've beenj going through. Unfortunately don't think your DH is unusual in the not 'getting' depression/anxiety thing but you really shouldn't let that stop you getting the support you need.

I personally didn't get that much help from my GP which I think was my fault because I was rather embarrassed by the whole thing and perhaps didn't explain myself properly so important to be clear about what the problem is if you do go, so that you get the right advice. Would agree with others who've said that A-Ds aren't necessarily the best course of action although obviously v valuable in the right circumstances. MN's action plan looked like a very sensible place to start.

Hmm, not sure I've added anything new here but thinking of you anyway...

He did some ironing so that means it is okay he attacked you?

You know that isn't right, lovie.

Kay, you need to talk to someone (I know you're talking to MN but it isn't necessarily the same).

I have come across this attitude to ADs and counselling lots of times in Christian circles (I'm assuming it is a combination of a theological objection and being predisposed by personality to find it objectionable), and when I have seen the two abused I have had some reservations myself.

Having said that, I think they can be incredibly useful: ADs to get to you to situation where you can cope with having a talking therapy.

Is he worried that another person will encourage you to leave? Would seeing a counsellor who shares Christian presuppositions reassure him?

In the absence of a mate to whisk you out of the house for a coffee and a listening ear for starters, I think you should insist on talking to someone professional. It doesn't sem to me that this is something ironing can help ...

hiya. Not a lot more has happened, I just wanted to acknowledge the last few posts.

Talk to us

How are you doing in general now then? x

Life can be shite, I know that, and I for one (er...recovering alcoholic amongst other things), know how easy it is to 'use' crutches so you feel you have some control over your life.

Just be kind to YOURSELF, cut yourself some slack, it's difficult to work through things.

Hi Kay - I'm afraid I don't have any more advice, but wanted to just add my support. And (with disclaimer that I Do Not Know what I'm talking about), could you maybe just make a plan to eat breakfast, for a start? I just know that days go worse if my blood sugar doesn't get a boost. and by deciding that you are also in control, iyswim.

V. sad about your DH's attitude.

h Kay. He is a dick and his behaviour is deteriorating. I thought he was going to move out for a bit? Please bear in mind that he doesn;t want you to seek help because he doesn't want to have to face up to his abuse of you. Lots of Christians would be disgusted with his behaviour, and he will be aware of that, and thinks that by keeping it 'in the family' he can pretend it didn't happen, that it doesn't matter, and he is still a good person. You can seek help. You can tell your GP and HV what has happened. It;s not wrong or shameful. Whqatever happened in the past, whatever beliefs you shared, this man is NOT ENTITLED TO ASSAULT YOU. It;s HIS fault.

OOh yes, that's a thought!

Well, we've talked, and he's finally acknowledged that this doesn't go away because he is in control of himself, because things still happened.

I'm holed up in my bedroom atm, feeling a bit sick. It is self harm, without a doubt, and it's not the first time in my life I've self harmed, I just didn't connect the food thing to actually being self harm, iyswim. I thought I was over all that, ha de ha.

I looked at the women's aid website, you know, but I just feel like I'd be wasting their time. Plenty of women actually being abused, they don't need me clogging up the phonelines with self-induced whining.

Just phone them!!

Old habits die hard and all- it's something we (by 'we I also mean 'I') fall back on without even realising.

What's going to happen tonight- are you ok?

Just phone them.

'It's just me so it doesn't really matter', doesn't wash.

POhone them anyway, they will now what you mean an wll be able to give advice. x

SGB, he left for a night and came back.

Kay, it's never too early to get help....don't leave it until it really IS unbearable, and you are totally messed up from him

You know, I'm looking at my reluctance to phone them, and I recognize that his possible response is what is making me so reluctant.

I've put the number into my mobile, I'll give them a ring at the weekend when I can get out on my own.

Are you ok tonight though?

Yeah, I'm ok. Kids are fed and off the bed, and he'll be downstairs on the playstation probably.

'Abusing you spiritually' - bloody good term, dittany. Kay, please believe that you matter: very few Christians would say that God is cool with domestic violence (and the ones who do think like that are the ones that give other Christians a bad name).Women's Aid will never think that you are wasting their time. They know damn well that one of abusers' favourite tricks is to convince the victim that she is worthless and no one will listen, that she is making a fuss about nothing. It;s all crap.

hey Kay you sound like you are develaping anorexia this is very serious and you NEED to see a docter.

Well, I weighed myself and I'm 7 1/2 stone. Bit of a shock, that, as I'm also 5'7".

Had a talk to him and told him I was going to phone Women's Aid, and he said that I should do whatever I needed to, to feel safe, which I thought was positive.

Don't suppose anyone knows what I should say to Women's Aid, do they? I'm extremely nervous on the phone, and I'm a bit worried I'll just freeze and be silent like the ridiculous time I phoned Childline, a looong time ago.