I've stopped eating.

[KayHarkerInTheBackOfTheQuattro]

I've had a rotten few months, for one reason or another, culminating in an incident with my husband a few weeks ago.

I've only just registered that since then, I'm not eating very much. It's partly a lack of appetite, and partly because I just don't feel like eating when everyone else does. My eating habits are all messed up - no breakfast, and I've just had a pot noodle snack and that's the first thing I've eaten today. I'm existing on cups of tea and coffee, and if I'm honest, I think I'm getting used to the feeling of control over what I eat and when.

This isn't normal, really, is it?

bump (and a hug x)

Thanks

not sure how to answer kay
but hope someone comes along soon who can offer advice

Kay, I get like that when I am depressed/down/stressed...

Its not 'normal' no, have you spoke with anyone about it? Are you still experiencing the stress?

Hugs to you x

Hi Kay

No it's not very healthy

It's normal to lose your appetite but it's not healthy to start getting a kick out of that. This is really a sort of self-harm, but a pretty shitty one because unlike slamming your arm in a door and moving on, a shit diet will further suppress your mental health and make you feel worse in the long run - it's a spiral. Eating healthily is crucial to maintain good mental health.

OK you have control but you know it's unhealthy. Good control would be exercise, or running. This is bad control that will make you severely depressed. Being depressed is shit.

Do you have any support, anyone you can talk to?

Where do you want to be in six months? Grey and depressed and thin, with everyone seeing your inner turmoil (satisfying in a lot of ways, I know)? Or healthy, with energy, and motivated?

Not sure what to say really Kay, although I have been on one of your other threads so I kinda see where you are coming from....

Your dh trys to control you and now you have control over this eating thing which makes you feel good? Your own little bit of something that no one can take away?

Yeah, I thought that's what ye'd say, I just wanted to ask in the vague hope someone might say 'Oh yeah, I do that all the time, completely normal.'

Nope, no-one in RL to talk to, not really. Yes, more and more depressed, and yes, I think this is just about me having some sense of control.

I am a skinny wretch anyway, and find it difficult to keep weight on, so it is very stupid, I know. I don't really know what to do. Thanks for posting, I think I need to try and go to the GP, tbh. Dh will hate it if I go on anti-d's again, though.

Never mind what dh will hate, if they make you feel better then that's a good thing..

I think the fact that you've become aware of this as a problem and are trying to sort it out is very positive and healthy
I know where you're coming from

Kay: I think a multi-disciplinary approach would be more helpful than JUST anti-depressants. Talking therapy is good (like a counsellor) or some sort of mental health life coaching i.e. recognising your triggers (such as depriving yourself of food) and planning how to put positive actions in their place (such as making yourself eat something nutritious instead). You sound like you are floating off into the blue a little bit and I'm sorry that you don't have more support - you really need to try and FIND some because it will really help. Can you think of something else that might help, as well as seeing the Doctor? Or could you / have you asked for counselling?

Agree re talking therapy (has recently massively helped a friend who also stops eating at times like this). I wonder if your DH would also have problems with that, though.

Kay, I'm so sorry to hear that you are feeling like this. MP's posts, esp Mon 20-Apr-09 20:34:31 are completely spot-on.

Please please look after yourself. Why would your DH hate anti-d's for you? And please, as the strong and wonderful woman that you are, don't let his preferences overrule what you judge to be best for yourself.

xx

Yes you are lovely Kay

In fact I NEVER post on mental health threads normally but I think you are so lovely and can't bear to think of you suffering

I have done this a few times - I used to doit to extremes and that was when I got very ill, but I was in my twenties then and didn't have the same experience an attitude as I do now - what I mean is I have a better safety net in place now for when I know I'm hurting myself in that way.

I try not to focus on it if it happens now, I just ignore it and let my body and brain work together to get me back on track - and they do.

Kay it sounds like you are in a bad place emotionally right now. Self harm (ie not eating) can be a form of passive aggression. I reckon (and shut me up if I'm way off) that from what I can gather, dh is not being kind, not looking after you, and at the same time being controlling. While you want him to love you and you would be happy to do stuff for him if it wasn't demanded - you see you have a big conflict, here - you're angry that he's treating you this way yet you want/need him to love you.

So it ain't safe to get angry with him, you have to do it to yourself.

What is this about him not wanting you to take a-d's? Bullshit, he can get stuffed basically if they would help you.

Maybe you each want the other to be strong and get cross when they are not.

I apologise that I haven't caught up with the situation so am very much guessing, but it does sound familiar - you need to work on the relationship/emotional side of things and sort that out and you should be ok. xxx

Plus I am not certain you actually need a-ds's.

It sounds like you would be fine if it weren't for the issues going on atm. HTH, dear.

Wellness Action Plan

This is the sort of strategy that I think is very helpful - more holistic and practical. Perhaps you could print this out and have a think about it, or go through it with someone?

Oh have read up a bit now...fwiw in a crisis such as this recent thing I would say it is quite quite usual to have some issues about eating, and if you can bear it, to try and make the conscious effort to.

I don't think you are going to stop eating completely but it is a handy response to big stress. Do not worry about it. You need to concentrate on finding a way through what's been going on and I hope we can all be here for you and help you do that in whatever way is the right one for you.

Lots of love x

No, Dh point blank won't allow counselling or MH nurses in - whenever I've been depressed before he's been very suspicious about the whole thing. He tries to be sympathetic, but he does have that underlying 'Why don't you just pull yourself together' thing.

MP, that link looks quite helpful, I'll print it off and have a think through it later.

We had a chat late last night and he was full of how much better he feels since we talked after the incident, and he was quite cross that I didn't feel any better about things. I think I'm actually still a bit scared of him, and he's getting resentful of that.

I don't know what the incident was, Kay, or anything about you and DH. But it isn't for him to allow or disallow you medical treatment. Remember there has just been an international outcry about the law for Shia Afghanis, which required wives to ask their husband's permission to visit the doctor?

Thready, he lost his temper and attacked me.

He'd allow me to the GP, but he couldn't take any time off for any counselling appointments, and he's barely comfortable about letting the HV in when she comes.

I'm really sorry to hear that Kay. I hope that you are getting a lot of support on an mn thread, and more importantly in rl. Even hearing about it gives me a feeling of the purest venomous anger, and I imagine that those on this thread who have spoken of not eating as an expression of anger might have a point (though awfully arrogant of me to make any kind of speculation here).

That was how I was last summer. And in September I ended up on citalopram . See your GP?

I knew someone many years ago who had such an awful time growing up and had issues, that not eating and controlling strictly what she ate, was her only way of getting control.

As for your h - he can't stop you allowing people into your home that you need support from to get help.

I know. I made all these firm resolutions about not being quite so sheeplike the other week, and now I've just got no idea how to carry them out, and all that's happened is I've fallen into this wierd eating thing.

I've been thinking about leaving, but I've got nowhere to go, no way of supporting myself, and he did the ironing last night, so a large part of me is now thinking I'm blowing it all up out of proportion.