I've stopped eating.

[KayHarkerInTheBackOfTheQuattro]

I've had a rotten few months, for one reason or another, culminating in an incident with my husband a few weeks ago.

I've only just registered that since then, I'm not eating very much. It's partly a lack of appetite, and partly because I just don't feel like eating when everyone else does. My eating habits are all messed up - no breakfast, and I've just had a pot noodle snack and that's the first thing I've eaten today. I'm existing on cups of tea and coffee, and if I'm honest, I think I'm getting used to the feeling of control over what I eat and when.

This isn't normal, really, is it?

OK, it seems we will probably have to differ on who owes who what in your relationship but Kay, if your DH has shaken and bruised you, if you're actually afraid of him now, then that is a very difficult place to rebuild a strong relationship from. Particularly if you are feeling depressed and weak.

I second MP's advice from earlier in this thread. And talk to WA, the Samaritans or any other real person (we don't count) who has experience in counselling women in stressful situations.

i hope so. They play, they do their workbook. sThey had a nice time yesterday making cakes to take to church. they can twistvhim round their little fingers too, wish I had that trick down.

he's home/

Come back later and let us know how you are doing please.

He's washing up. With two of the girls and it;s so hard to think he's anything other than a model husband and father. he was resentful wehn he came home to a scrappy dinner, but I did the chicken, and roast potatoes and peas and broccoli. it was ok. I had some too. Feel sicker than sick now.

oh god he's not a bad man. He can be very kind and gentle and he provides for all of us. if i've learned anything over the years its that the grass isn't greener on the opther side. because I'm still there, and Im the opne with the problem. Can't run from me.

Kay, it's fair enough to be self aware and take personal responsibility, but that doesn't mean that you let other people away with things that just aren't right - just because you (like all of us) are not perfect, doesn't mean you deserve any worse treatment than anyone else.

And he should not - should NOT - have gone for you, shaken you, bruised you. He should still be fucking horrified with himself - I hope you realise that. Resentful at chicken, peas, roast fucking potatoes and broccoli?!! My dh would think it was Christmas...

No, you can't run from your own personality, but you don't owe your dh or anyone any leeway for abuse - and even if it's just once, he treated you in an abusive manner.

You took him on just as much as he did you - marriage is a partnership, not an act of charity. You've come so far, Kay - you have this in you. I know you do.

Yes, Habbibu is exactly right. More articulate than I can manage right now. You deserve to be teated well Kay, by yourself and by your husband.

Thanks. I know. He's gone out for the evening. I'm a bit more sober now, just got a raging headache. He did says thanks for tea.

meh, I wrote that and read it back and thought 'yeah, and?' Going to have another go at the WA helpline later, but I'm going to indulge in mindless Gene Hunt escapism in ten minutes.

Ugh, I'm doing that gasping shuddery thing that you do when you've been crying lots.

Do phone, Kay, once you've done the escapism thing. I think you need to hear sane words in a real voice, iyswim.

How are you this morning, Kay?

crap. Dh came home before the end of Ashes the Ashes, so I didn't phone. We stayed up late talking. I'm knackered and I've got a headache still this morning. Just want to go back to bed, but bolshy children aren't even letting me have any quiet.

Dh told me he was still consumed with guilt about what he did, and that he didn't want me to stay out of fear or obligation. He's said I can have some time away in the next week, too, to think about what I want to do.

Oh - well that sounds a bit positive, in a way - that he's accepting responsibility, at least.

No, you should not stay out of fear or obligation. he has that one right, certainly. Take the time away - get some rest, for a start, and see if it lets you think clearly.

Is there somewhere you could go to do this?

he he, nope. The big flaw in the plan. I'm going out on my own on Saturday, having negotiated him not going to his morning thing so I could have the whole day.

I've been reading this thread, Kay, not sure what to say, except how sad I feel for you.

Long term, of course you need to decide what you want to do. In the short term, you need to be strong and healthy enough to help you make a good long-term decision.

If I could write you a prescription, it would go something like this:
-rest: a day, better overnight, even better a couple of nights away. Anywhere you can clear your head.
-a cleaner: just because every girl should have one
-driving lessons: as soon as I could drive, I felt more confident and more free.
-send your kids to school: not forever, just for a year, or even a term. It gives you a break and gets you outside, gives you the chance to meet more people.
-some talking therapy: just for you, or for both of you

Would any of those things be possible? Can any of us help practically? If he is serious about taking responsibility then you are in a strong position to say that one or all of these things would help you decide better how you want the future to look.

I just realised how patronising this post might sound - sorry, it's not meant to. You're a clever girl; I have every confidence you can work this stuff out.

I've been thinking about you all day, Kay: trying to think of something helpful to say. But ProcastinatingParent's post sounds like the best advice possible.

So much of what you need to do, to make sense of your life and relationships, needs energy and some mental resilience. Taking steps to get that back has got to be a priority.

At the risk of sounding like an internet stalker - are you anywhere near Cambridge? I have a relatively peaceful house over the weekend - just me and the kids...if you wanted somewhere quiet to chill out and catch your breath it might make a nice change...

dittany, no, it's not permission this time so much as logistics. I'm a SAHM with four children under 8, and he has to organize time off, plus I'm limited to public transport. Staying here on my own with the kids would be about as restful as the London Marathon.

The relationship was based on the obedience thing, but one of the things we discussed last night was how unhealthy that has obviously been, and how we both wanted to try and move away from it.

PP, good advice Gizmo, I might take you up on it, thank you for the offer.

Well, do CAT me, Kay. Seriously. I'm happy to cossett you a bit or just lend you a peaceful room where you can get your head together for a little while...

Thanks gizmo, I'll see how the land lies.

dittany, me. I am the reason we got into this stuff in the first place, largely because I come from a deeply unstable and abused background, and when we were first married, I fell in with some people who convinced me that the only way to have a stable, happy life was 'Biblical Patriarchy'. I've probably mentioned Vision Forum before now, a very googleable organization that pushes this.

Not my finest moment, but there we go. I'm just about in the place where I can acknowledge that just because I introduced us to it, it doesn't mean I am condemned to it for the rest of my life.

I don't know dittany.

It all seemed very plausible at the time. I know lots and lots of very intelligent, happy women with loving, gentle husbands who thrive on it. Coming from where I did, then yes, it's entirely possible that I would have been swayed to any old thing that looked like it produced well-balanced and happy people.

my husband went for me much like yours. three years ago now. It's a horrible place to be in. not wanting to tell anyone. and the self loathing for letting yourself be the kind of person that accepts it is huge.

i went to a refuge for a couple of weeks

my condition of staying in the relationship was
anger management - for him
relate - for us.

the two years leading up to this event were the shittiest. i had literally got to a point where i recognised i had learned to walk and speak on eggshells, when i spoke to him - i stuttered - really - becuase my brain was thinking at a million miles an hour 'whats the best thing to say here that won't set him off' so stuttering was a subconcious delaying tactic.

i was pathetic. no self esteem. but most of all i had no dignity. i hated myself for letting anyone = anyone take my dignity.

he broke something that day - it doesn't have a name - but he broke it.

throughout your posts you say that he wont allow you to... or you will ask him ...or you will beg him...

you are assigning him the power.

i am catholic. i know where you are 'at' when you're thinking about the sanctity of marriage.

so if you want to talk to someone who has been through something similar and who kinda gets the christian thing then please e-mail me. creamy custardo at hotmail dot com.

Kay - you will get through this

Blimey Custy