I've stopped eating.

[KayHarkerInTheBackOfTheQuattro]

I've had a rotten few months, for one reason or another, culminating in an incident with my husband a few weeks ago.

I've only just registered that since then, I'm not eating very much. It's partly a lack of appetite, and partly because I just don't feel like eating when everyone else does. My eating habits are all messed up - no breakfast, and I've just had a pot noodle snack and that's the first thing I've eaten today. I'm existing on cups of tea and coffee, and if I'm honest, I think I'm getting used to the feeling of control over what I eat and when.

This isn't normal, really, is it?

it's not WA phonelines fault they can't help it if there's lots of women in shitty situations. Probaly lots more shitty than me, whining cow. God, if my kids don't hate me I don't know why. I bloody would.

Home edding four children is a HUGE task to keep up with if you are not functioning at your best. You shouldn't need to beg about this. You shouldn't feel you have to do it unless it is what YOU want and what YOU feel is best for the children.

Cbeebies is on. we can have peas with the chicken and the pots are boiling now. ONly got half a bottle of wine, not enough to get sloshed anyway.

Ack, the wine really is nasty paint stripper. Might as well be blue fecking nun.

Thready, you know what's worse? I do believe it's the best thing, I just know I;m far to shitty a mother to deliver it.

Now, you. Yes, call Samaritans: be prepared to cry a lot, though.

I'm worried that because both you and your husband seem to be quite good at communicating logically about very profound feelings, you feel under some obligation to do all the giving. Giving without reciprocation in a relationship is as poisonous as doing all the taking, in my opinion. Do you want the relationship to continue? If you could get rid of all the stuff around it that makes it shitty at the moment, would you want to be with him?

You aren't a shitty mother. HE is difficult at the best of times I am sure. I know I couldn't do it. And at the moment you just aren't well enough.

Of course you're not a shitty mother. Just a worn to a thread one.

gizmo, nope. I would not. And he'd be heartbroken to read that so I hope he never does. But I made a vow and I'm going to stick to it because I am not my father and thus unable to stick to something for five minutes. Eck, drinking on an empty stomach isn't that wise, is it, I'm dizzy already.

Did your father stick with someone who beat him up?

Sorry that makes no sense, what I mean is, this has nothing to do with your father.

Ohboyohboyohboy.

I am really sorry to hear that Kay. Not entirely surprised though - it seems to me that you have been doing so much giving without getting for so long that it must be difficult to retain real affection for your DH.

You aren't your father. You don't have to judge yourself in terms of suceeding/failing in not being him. You are allowed to revise the way you feel, and the things you want in life. I'm not making any judgements about whether you should leave dp or not -- but love yourself enough to decide what is best for you without condemning yourself in unfair ways.

once. he went for me once and he didn't beat me up he justshook me and bruised me.

ive been beaten up, i know the differnece

No one would expect you to stick with anything that wasn't good....

Ok, and this is your fault/responsibility, is that what you feel like?

If you had done that to someone else, would you feel they ought to give you another chance?

Threadworm is wise, and right.

gizmo, it doesn't feel like that. I've been a drain on them all and DH was very good to take me on in the first place, really. thi s is all astounding ungrateful. why can't I fucking type??

and would you feel it was their fault you had done it? Because looking in from the outside, it seems as though you are scared to leave because it will mean you're turnging into someone like your Dad.

that is the reason I can't do housework, because I'll turn into my obsessional mother. It's scary but it's not always a good thing iyswim.

flightattendant, i don't know, I ve been given lots of chances in my life, I d like to hope Id give someone another chance.

I can't do it to my kids. I can't do to them what my parents did to me. it ripped me apart anf I'd never forgie myself.

Darling, seeing their mum being ripped apart isn't going to help them.

he's going to b home in a minute anyway. god I'm a state.

How is family life for the children? Is it good as far as they are concenred?