AIBU to feel this devastated? I just want this pain to go

[Hamandcrispsandwich]

Hello,
I just want to start by saying I'm not in any way a cruel or malicious person, so please don't think I am.
I am currently in a terrible way mentally and I need someone or something to pull me out of it. I have depression, anxiety and a severe, chronic eating disorder. I have had years of therapy, psychiatrists, psychologists etc and EVERY SINGLE ONE has passed me on to someone else to "deal with" because I'm "too complex"
I've never had a level of consistency that I so deeply crave. Ive always been abandoned because something better has come along. I do have a job and a few weeks ago, one of my clients got drunk and was horrendously abusive to me over the phone. They told me I'm disgusting, I make them feel sick and why are people like me even alive, I have no purpose etc. I quickly terminated that, but please understand that these are all things I think about myself, but hearing it from someone else deeply hurt.

Now, I've had a therapist for 2 years. I started to feel able to open up fully this year, which I have done and she said "I promise you I won't leave you" consistently over these few months. Fast forward to my last session and she's leaving. We have one more session and she's leaving to have a baby, so I will be passed on to someone else again.
I am broken. I cannot tell you the level of devastation I feel. I haven't eaten a meal since we spoke, i keep crying all throughout the day and I absolutely hate myself for it.
I am so happy for her, I really am thrilled that she is having a baby, but this is completely overtaken by my own feelings and I don't know what to do.

1. I will never have a baby or family of my own, but it is something I've always craved, however, I have to accept I can never have it and now she does.
2. Once again, something better has come along and I have to just accept it and understand that I'll never be of any value in others lives.
3. I am being handed to someone else who doesn't particularly want me
4. I have to accept that I am disposable and easily replaceable and always will be.

Please do understand that I really am a kind, caring, gentle person and I don't know why this keeps happening to me. I just don't know how to get out of it. All I want is to not feel this sad. I wish I could make this pain and mental distress go away, but I don't know how to do that. I have to stay alive because there are people relying on me and i dont want to cause them any upset. I can't tell anyone in real life because they'll think I'm pathetic, which I know I am, but I just find this pain unbearable. I've had years of this and finally thought it wouldn't happen again but here i am. I thought I'd find it easier, but this is the hardest.

This is all my own fault. She's handled this as best she can. She as the only one willing to try with me, so I am forever grateful, but I feel so defeated and I just need this pain to go. I have a headache, I feel sick, all I do is cry or lie in my bed like the waste of existence I am, I can't eat, can't sleep and I just feel like I'm a complete and utter waste of oxygen.

Thank you for reading and for any replies. I'm currently lying in bed, so I'll respond to anything when I get up (IF I fall asleep) x

Thank you so much.
I thought my letter was quite sad and I really didn't want to cause her any upset or emotional distress, which is part of why I didn't pass it on. She doesn't need that on top of everything else she has in her life, like her new arrival!

They do - I have seen them a few times. I think most of the problem is my local mental health unit won't see anyone with a BMI under X amount, which mine is, so I'm instantly ineligible for any assessment or treatment there. Referrals are sent straight back. Whenever I've been there previously, they've told me to gain X amount of weight and then get a re referral.

The eating disorder unit is also very complex. There are a few within my area/slightly out of area that I could go too, however, only ONE will see people with a BMI under X amount, so I have to go there because nowhere else will see me. All referrals are instantly rejected, but the one I go to makes it very clear that any co existing physical and mental health problems must be managed and treated by external services before they'll carry out any assessments.
You also can't engage in treatment with two services at one time, so that creates further difficulties.

It's worth making an appointment to speak to them though, so that's something I will ask about when they contact me tomorrow. I am very lucky to have a brilliant GP surgery who keep in regular contact with me, even if I don't make contact with them. If I ever miss a call from them, they leave messages and call me back until they can get hold of me.

I hope you are doing okay yourself. I am really grateful for your kind words x

Thank you for your reply.

I too have had a good experience with a MH Practitioner and GP Surgery but less sucess with other services.

I have other difficulties, but my MH Practitioner has been a constant for me. I cannot tell you the times I've walked in and said "don't be nice to me today please" and she's extra nice

Thank you, that is so kind. I don’t engage with NHS services after bad experiences in the past with being sectioned and medicated against my will.
There are so many people who are just struggling to survive these days as there isn’t enough support.
Hope you can get some sleep tonight x

I'm pleased you have a good support network behind you - it's great that you have a good relationship with your MH practitioner.

I have had awful issues with other services, more specifically my local mental health team as well as the crisis team.

Your MH practitioner sounds so lovely. You're very lucky to have someone so caring looking out for you. I do hope you are doing well and continue on your journey to recovery x

I have also sadly had terrible experiences with mental health services. The ED unit I am discharged from, but wouldn't engage with them going forward, as every single time I ask them to respect my wishes, they never do.
My local mental health team are just as bad. I won't even walk past there and threw every item of clothing (including coats and shoes!) I ever wore to any appointment every time I went there.
That sounds really, really dramatic seeing it written down, but id likely do the same again.

How are you doing today? X

Hi @Hamandcrispsandwich I hope your weekend is going ok. I just wanted to say, I think your replies to comments on here demonstrate what a kind and compassionate person you are. There are several people on your thread who care that you’re ok. Don’t hesitate to post back on here if you need to. I’m sure you’re helping others too who have had similar experiences.

Hello.

Thank you so much for your kindness. It really does mean the world to me. It always surprises me when people are nice to me.

Yesterday, I felt so much more positive than today. I guess that's how it goes, but today is particularly difficult. I've managed to eat though. Not much, but something.
I also know I need to go out, but I don't actually think I want to face it. Seeing others happy, going about their lives, when I feel like mine is crumbling is not something I want to do.

How is everyone else?

I'm ok, I've had some bad news so I too am struggling a bit.

I don't have the same issues you do but it's still hard.

I hope you manage to get out for a walk.

I'm so sorry you've had bad news - I hope you're okay?
I also hope you've got a support network around you, just so you've got people to talk too. Feel free to speak on this thread or you're welcome to message privately.

Please look after yourself as best you can and reach out if you feel you need too!

I didn't end up going out. I opened the door and went straight back inside. I just can't face the world right now. I am really surprised at just how difficult I'm finding things at the moment, but I'm sure it'll get better in time. Just doesn't feel like it right now x

I don';t really have much of a network, I have friends but I won't burden them with my problems.

I have an appointment with my MH practitioner later in the week, so I'll see if she's up to listening to me moan (she usually is!)

Well done for trying to go out at least!

I'm sure your friends would be happy to hear about what's going on for you! I know I'm just someone on the Internet, but you're always welcome to message me if you needed to chat. I'd be more than happy to offer help and support if I could. Please also feel free to post here any time.

It's great that you have a good relationship with your MH practitioner. That's such a positive thing, so I'm pleased you have that support in place for you. I don't like the thought of people struggling without support, so I'm glad you're not alone!

Thank you - I put on a tshirt and joggers, opened the door, took a look outside and decided against it haha. Shocking really as I actually prefer the heat, so thought I'd be up for going out, but clearly not!

I hope you manage to look after yourself and are feeling more positive soon x

How are you?

I went to see my MH practitioner yesterday, she listened to me moan and we made a plan, I am ever so grateful to her.

I'm okay. I thought I was doing better, but then it all hit me again on Wednesday and I've been completely useless since.
We usually have sessions every other week, so today would have been our session - made me realise that our sessions were so important to me now that I can't have them. I'd give anything to have them back. I hope she's doing okay though. I really do miss her so, so much and it really dawned on me that I don't have her any more.

That's great news. I'm glad you found it helpful. She sounds wonderful. How are you feeling? X

You are doing so well to even have some better days because your loss is still very fresh. Hang in there and the pain will become less raw as the days and weeks pass.
Is there anything you could do to give yourself a nice treat this weekend? You deserve to have some enjoyment in your life and to be as kind to yourself as you are to,other people.

I'm very very tired but not sleeping great which is part of the plan the MH Practitioner made with me, to improve my sleep.

Hope you've had an ok weekend

You have all been so kind towards me and I really don't deserve it at all.
I got a call from the GP - the referral to the CMHT has been rejected for two reasons:

1. My bmi, which the GP explained in the referral, so they already knew
2. I'm under the clinic where I have my therapy, so they won't see me unless I get discharged.

I was referred there to make adjustments to my medication, they've told the GP no, keep me on sertraline until I'm in a position for them to see me (higher bmi and discharged from the clinic)

I'm tired of it. I'm tired of people making decisions for me. I'm tired of being so out of control. If I'm honest, I knew that would be the answer, it just feels very disheartening.
At the same time, I'm also aware that there are things in my life I've always wanted and I now have to come to terms with the fact I'll never have them. I have no choice but to accept them and nothing or nobody can change these things.

How are you doing @ButcherFaker ? I hope you are doing better!

@TheMoonIsMyFavourite I'm pleased you managed to get a plan in place - I hope you manage to get some sleep soon!

How is everyone doing? Has anyone been up to much?

I’m sorry you were rejected by the CMHT @Hamandcrispsandwich - it’s so frustrating that they won’t even see you to review your medication. Is your therapy with the clinic open-ended?

I’m really lucky that my current care coordinator is excellent but unfortunately she’s going on maternity leave so I’m struggling with that. I’m fully expecting her replacement to be shit like all my other care cos have been prior to her. I’m also not looking forward to starting again with a new person - it takes so much energy to build a new relationship.

I am so sorry you're struggling and have been rejected by CMHT.

I'm doing ok, my situation isn't going to resolve itself very quickly so I have to just buckle down to it.

I have had a bit of sleep, but my neighbours aren't making it easy either. I am seeing my housing officer tomorrow so I'll mention it to her.

Hello,
Thank you for your message. I'm so sorry to hear you're struggling.
I expected CMHT to refuse me as they've done it multiple times before. The eating disorder unit do exactly the same, so it's not surprising.

My therapy is currently open ended. They decided to give me therapy with no end date to see if I remained stable throughout, which I have (until now)
Beforehand, every time therapy ended, I was discharged and completely left with nothing or nobody and it never worked. I know there will come a time where it will end, but at least that will be my choice. It'll be in my control rather than someone else. I have managed to cut it from twice weekly to every other week, which was an adjustment, but I remained stable because I knew I could change it, if needed. I also had a reason to stay well. If I didn't remain stable, I would have to be referred elsewhere, which meant leaving the clinic.

Do you know if your care coordinator will return? I know exactly what you mean about new relationships taking so much energy. This is partly why I didn't want a new therapist. I've done this too many times. It's not something I want to keep doing. I don't think it's something I can keep doing either.
When is your care coordinator leaving? I hope she returns for you, I really, really do. I hope you're managing to look after yourself x

I'm sorry to hear about your neighbours. I also have noisy neighbours that can make sleep very difficult.

How did everything go with your housing officer? I hope she was able to come up with a solution to help you x

Ouch. I feel for you OP, my heart goes out to you. You sound really lovely from your posts. I wish you so much love!

No therapist should share statements like “I will never leave you.” Very unprofessional and also unrealistic. Not a good way of managing expectations.

I feel like you need a really, really effective psychiatrist. It sounds to me like you may need a medication review and thorough assessment. Could there be a dependent personality disorder going on… just going off of what you described from your dad and maybe a preoccupation with abandonment. I would try to find a therapist who specialises in this, and really work on it.

As someone who’s been in therapy before with multiple therapists, something that helps me is to reflect on the positives I took away from each episode of therapy. E.g. I saw a lovely counsellor once who I felt really just accepted me for who I was when I was living at home and having issues with my mom. I’m currently seeing a lovely one at the moment who is actually very practical and assertive. So I’m seeing each as a chapter in my story and I’ve learnt something about myself from each one, and each time I’ve got a different gift.

Whilst current counsellor is leaving (not you) just leaving (remember that), what have you gained in your time working with her? Remind yourself that she is leaving (likely temporarily) due to life changes, and actually, that’s nothing to do with you. She still valued you during the time she worked with you.

Also, sorry if I missed this, but what is your support network like? What are your hobbies, interests?

Remember, therapy, medication… they are only parts of the jigsaw of mental health. They cannot cure us alone. They are forms of assistance. ❤️‍🩹

I didn't actually speak to my housing officer today. I got my wires crossed and she visited my home but not me (long story).

I have emailed her though. She doesn't often reply but that doesn't mean she's not doing anything.

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Thank you so much for your kindness.

I have, in total, seen around 5 or 6 psychiatrists, all of whom have told me something different, but I definitely know there's something more going on. The last one I saw told me I was just 'lonely' and I 'enjoy the presence of people a little more than others' which I actually don't.

I have a job, but I work from home. I don't particularly like leaving my house, so I tend to stay inside.
I am very fixed on abandonment, but this only occurred once I went to the eating disorder unit and they moved me to multiple therapists, whilst everyone else had one. That's part of why I keep away from people. I know they'll leave. If I keep away from everyone, then nobody can leave me.

No hobbies, I like staying in my bubble alone, no support network, again, I like being alone. I can't keep going through this every single time, although it hasn't ever been THIS bad. I've not been like this before. I've not had one single day where I haven't cried over it, which is totally unlike me.