AIBU to feel this devastated? I just want this pain to go

[Hamandcrispsandwich]

Hello,
I just want to start by saying I'm not in any way a cruel or malicious person, so please don't think I am.
I am currently in a terrible way mentally and I need someone or something to pull me out of it. I have depression, anxiety and a severe, chronic eating disorder. I have had years of therapy, psychiatrists, psychologists etc and EVERY SINGLE ONE has passed me on to someone else to "deal with" because I'm "too complex"
I've never had a level of consistency that I so deeply crave. Ive always been abandoned because something better has come along. I do have a job and a few weeks ago, one of my clients got drunk and was horrendously abusive to me over the phone. They told me I'm disgusting, I make them feel sick and why are people like me even alive, I have no purpose etc. I quickly terminated that, but please understand that these are all things I think about myself, but hearing it from someone else deeply hurt.

Now, I've had a therapist for 2 years. I started to feel able to open up fully this year, which I have done and she said "I promise you I won't leave you" consistently over these few months. Fast forward to my last session and she's leaving. We have one more session and she's leaving to have a baby, so I will be passed on to someone else again.
I am broken. I cannot tell you the level of devastation I feel. I haven't eaten a meal since we spoke, i keep crying all throughout the day and I absolutely hate myself for it.
I am so happy for her, I really am thrilled that she is having a baby, but this is completely overtaken by my own feelings and I don't know what to do.

1. I will never have a baby or family of my own, but it is something I've always craved, however, I have to accept I can never have it and now she does.
2. Once again, something better has come along and I have to just accept it and understand that I'll never be of any value in others lives.
3. I am being handed to someone else who doesn't particularly want me
4. I have to accept that I am disposable and easily replaceable and always will be.

Please do understand that I really am a kind, caring, gentle person and I don't know why this keeps happening to me. I just don't know how to get out of it. All I want is to not feel this sad. I wish I could make this pain and mental distress go away, but I don't know how to do that. I have to stay alive because there are people relying on me and i dont want to cause them any upset. I can't tell anyone in real life because they'll think I'm pathetic, which I know I am, but I just find this pain unbearable. I've had years of this and finally thought it wouldn't happen again but here i am. I thought I'd find it easier, but this is the hardest.

This is all my own fault. She's handled this as best she can. She as the only one willing to try with me, so I am forever grateful, but I feel so defeated and I just need this pain to go. I have a headache, I feel sick, all I do is cry or lie in my bed like the waste of existence I am, I can't eat, can't sleep and I just feel like I'm a complete and utter waste of oxygen.

Thank you for reading and for any replies. I'm currently lying in bed, so I'll respond to anything when I get up (IF I fall asleep) x

Well done for having something to eat and managing to sleep a bit. I know it doesn’t feel like it at the moment when the pain is so fresh but it will lessen over time. It’s positive that someone will contact you in a few weeks. You may find that she can help you just as much as your previous therapist. A different perspective might be useful too.
Take care of yourself and let us know how you are getting on xx

Thank you for your message.

My eating disorder is definitely related to control - when I can't control things, such as this, I skip meals, snacks etc. I have to put my focus elsewhere because the sadness is too much for me.

I have a neurodiverse sibling, however, we are completely different, but that doesn't mean I don't have ASD/ADHD etc.

My main issue is abandonment. I can not cope when people leave, whether that's temporary or permanent. It really really breaks me. I'm never angry or annoyed, I'm purely so sad - I can be angry at myself but I have alot of self hatred.

I have told every psychiatrist (and I've seen many!) And other mental health professionals, but they always say "someone leaving is sad, so it's not unusual" but they don't seem to understand that IT IS unusual to be so sad you can't eat, all you do is cry, you take too many tablets/not enough of the tablets you need just to try and numb any of the pain you feel. I am also exactly the same if someone is leaving temporarily. The last time I went to my local mental health unit, he said "We can't help you, you're too thin" so I was discharged.

You are so very kind. I hope you are doing well too. I'd love to know how you are as well. I hope you've got some support and are looking after yourself.

You deserve kindness too xx

Stop being angry with yourself for your feelings OP. Your feelings aren’t hurting anyone… they’re just for you and it’s ok to feel whatever you’re feeling. It’s not a bad thing or evil or wrong to simply feel even if those feelings are negative. It’s ok to be devastated and upset and angry and it’s also ok to feel abandoned etc. It all makes sense with your trauma….

When they say people leaving is sad so it’s normal they mean the feeling is normal, your reactions and behaviours to the feeling are what is unusual.

Instead of feeling angry with yourself try giving yourself a hug because you’ve been through a lot and deserve comfort. You deserve love and kindness now, not anger.

Hi @Hamandcrispsandwich I've just read your whole thread and you sound like such a strong person, even if you don't believe it yourself

Like others, I think there's a good possibility that you're Autistic, but I also just wanted to mention something else that drew my attention... you say that you're usually cold even in very warm temperatures, has your thyroid ever been checked? It's just that Hypothyroidism can actually cause psychiatric issues as well as feeling cold all the time

I hope you're doing ok, and I'm so sorry to hear about your client x

Thank you for your kindness.
I am genuinely deeply happy for her, I really am. All I could ever want is for her to be happy and healthy.

I mean, last time my therapist (a few years back) went on maternity leave, the psychiatrists etc saw how devastating it was for me. They all know exactly how I react to it, but they just say "Your feelings are normal" which they are, but my response is not and I've told them all. It is NOT normal to be unable to eat, get out of bed, sleep and function if someone is going away, even temporarily. They've even seen it for themselves.
This is just an example, but if I saw my therapist every 6 weeks and she went on holiday for 4 weeks, it wouldn't bother me because I would still have my session on her rreturn. It's when our sessions are missed that it breaks me.

Surprisingly, I never used to be like this. My first hospital admission resulted in me having 4 therapists whilst everyone else had one and that is when this started. I haven't always been like this and this is why I'm so annoyed at myself. The only person my feelings hurt is me and I'm glad of that. I would never, ever want them to hurt anyone else.

I have also had my thyroid checked as I have monthly blood tests and thyroid is included. The only thing I lack in is calcium, vitamin D, Vitamin b12 and sometimes Iron, but not always. Kidney, liver and thyroid function are all normal x

@Hamandcrispsandwich Is your B12 Deficiency being treated? As it can also cause psychiatric symptoms x

@WeeDote When I was anorexic I was cold all the time, even in very hot weather.

@Hamandcrispsandwich just want you to know I’m reading along and I’m sorry you’re struggling so much 💐.

I also have trust/abandonment issues due to trauma, which I think is exasperated by rejection sensitivity, adhd/autistic overwhelm of feelings and the struggle of social connection.

Sending you best wishes - i know its hard and i hope one day it becomes easier for you (and me)

I have B12 injections every 3 months I think. We tried supplements, but they didn't work.

I know I shouldn't, but at times like this, I really do cling to my eating disorder. It brings me a sense of control and safety. It's almost a sense of stability - it won't leave me unless I make that choice. It's something that'll always be there and that's what I never seem to get from people.

I know when my first therapist went, it felt like she was (and I know it isn't true) leaving me for something better and that's something I've always carried with me. I always keep my distance from people just incase someone leaves me for something better (e.g - a better job, new house, baby etc) whereas I know my eating disorder won't do that. I do sometimes wish that all them years ago, I never went to hospital. I wasn't like this before. If someone left, they left and that was it. Yes, it was sad and yes, I missed them, but nothing like this. This is, along with the psychological pain, a physical pain that nothing will get rid of. I just can't describe it but it physically hurts me so deeply.

Thank you for your kindness.
I hope you are doing okay x

Your perception of your situation is heavily through the lens of mental illness, not fact. Can you challenge those thoughts every time they come up?

1. If you continued recovery and got to a healed stage (which is very possible), you could be a parent. whether she has it or not is irrelevant.
2. This isn’t a cycle of people having other priorities, this is the natural flow of life that has nothing to do with you.
3. Being matched with a professional specialising in your conditions, they have trained their whole professional career to help people like you, so they would want to work with people like you.
4. You do need to ensure your perception of the therapeutic relationship is healthy (currently seems not) and that you have clear goals for the therapy- which isn’t to rely on the therapist. That relationship is a means to do therapy, not the goal and attaching your self worth to that relationship is self destructive. Therapists don’t ‘dispose’ of you. They are professionals working to help you and if they feel the service they are offering isn’t helpful to you, or that you need different help than they can offer, they have a responsibility to tell you that. They aren’t ending that service so they can replace you with someone ‘better’- this is a viewpoint entirely devoid of reality.

Placing any self worth on a working relationship with a professional who has their own life, priorities and goals outside of work will not help you long term and is not the purpose of therapy. This might actually be a good chance to review the things you’re telling yourself so that you have a greater chance of succeeding in therapy.

Your pain and suffering is palpable, and I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. The negative things you tell yourself aren’t actually true, they’re also symptoms of mental illness. Having a new plan could help, including trying some new approaches with the support of your family.

Have you looked into RTMS? It’s a magnetic therapy that has proven successful with treatment-resistant depression.

It’s worth speaking to your GP about your meds to tackle the depression a bit more proactively. They need to be kept aware and id also suggest getting in touch with the crisis team so you’re on their radar. They may encourage you to make a safety plan for if you enter crisis- That will give you a safety net.

There are some interesting studies and trials going on around psilocybin assisted therapy for treatment of eating disorders that have been very successful. Maybe it would be worth looking into.

I know that this is all me. I know that these people have lives etc and I'm just part of their work. They are more than entitled to do whatever they want with their lives and I honestly wish it didn't break me so much. I haven't felt this awful in a long while, which is why I thought I was over it - my reaction to this has come as a bit of a shock to me and I am honestly so, so happy for her and I just wish her the best, but I can't help this awful feeling of pain and I would do anything to make it go.

When therapist 1 told me she wasn't seeing me anymore, I wasn't given an explanation or a reason (which I understand she doesn't owe me) I was just told "Because that's been decided" I don't know by who or why that was decided and I spent a long time trying to figure it out, but eventually realised that I never would. The other patients who saw her continued seeing her - that felt personal. No explanation, no reason, no discussion, but you continued sessions with everyone else.

I was then given to therapist number 2 who was pregnant at the time, so I didn't spend much time with her. I was an inpatient at the time. There were 3 others who saw her as well. During her years absence, the other 3 had phone appointments with her. She told me she was continuing phone appointments with SOME clients throughout her absence. I didn't realise she was maintaining contact with ALL inpatients except me. I was then given to someone else, who was leaving within months. That was the beginning of all these issues.

I could not and still can't understand why I was passed on to someone else who was leaving.
I went from being so willing to be well and healthy to this absolute shell of myself. Why was I moved the first time? No idea - I'll never know because the choice was made for me.
Why did the others get phone appointments and I didn't the second time? No idea - I'll never know because the choice was made for me.
Why was I given to the therapist who was leaving and wasn't taking on any new clients the third time?
I'll also never know. I also got no choice.
At that time, all I had was my eating disorder for consistency. That is exactly why I see ME as the problem. Why would you maintain contact with 3 out of 4 clients during maternity leave? I always blame myself. I always have. I remember once in school, someone next to me dropped a pot of glitter all over the floor. He blamed me because he didn't want to get told off, so I just accepted it was my fault simply for being there.

I have spoken with the crisis team some years ago. I'd been having suicidal thoughts at the time (I still do daily, but we won't go into that) and I remember clearly she asked me "Are you about to take any tablets?" And I said "not at this moment no" I was out shopping and she knew it and the response was "well, I don't understand why your GP referred you to us then. We aren't here for people who can go out shopping. We're here for people in a real crisis" and I never heard from them again. I was re referred twice at different times, but they never contacted me.

I just gave up after that. I just didn't have it in me to keep battling with anyone for anything. I barely have the energy to get up in the morning, but I do because of my job. There is nobody in the world (apart from you all) that knows exactly how I feel. I just haven't got the physical or mental energy to fight for help or support. I was very content with where I was and how things were going. It was going so well and it all just fell apart around me. I honestly didn't expect to be like this and I am so angry at myself.

I wrote her a letter, but I decided against giving it to her. I didn't want to upset her and she doesn't need the emotional strain of me on top of her pregnancy and everything else. I can't even read it without crying. I think I will post it here later on. I don't regret not giving it to her because I just want her to be happy and enjoy her life.
Maybe I will fill the online form out for a GP appointment and see what they say as well x

Hi Ham and crisps, really sorry you feel so bad.

Do you think you might be autistic? Here’s a link about missing diagnoses in women:
https://neurodivergentinsights.com/autism-and-women/

Heres a link about monotropic thinking and rumination: https://www.autismparentingmagazine.com/autism-and-rumination/

Heres a link about autism and EDs: https://www.ucl.ac.uk/brain-sciences/sites/brain_sciences/files/sedaf_a4_booklet.v.41.pdf

Here’s a wonderful book written by a Buddhist monk about working with one’s suffering that I have found very helpful when I was suffering recently: https://www.dwms.org/uploads/8/7/8/7/87873912/thich_nhat_hanh_-_the_heart_of_buddhas_teaching.pdf

Wishing you so well 💐

I've looked into both Autism and borderline personality disorder but I'm not sure I fit into either category if I'm honest.

I do see similarities in myself in both, but neither of which I look at and think "Yes, that's me"
I have looked at self help guides and all kinds of different things online, but I don't think any of it will help me right now.
I think I just need to ride it out and wait until I feel better. I know I will eventually, but I honestly haven't felt this sad and broken in a long, long while.

I also haven't been like this my whole life.
This whole abandonment thing began when I was an inpatient and moved around so that's what makes me think it is not Autism, but who knows.

I was so happy and I felt so positive about myself and my life before this. I know that this sounds so dramatic. I know that I can't rely on her forever. I know that she's entitled to go and do whatever she wants. I know that I'm just a part of her work life but our sessions brought me so much joy. I could talk to her about anything in the world, which I've not had before.
As odd as this may sound, she treated me as a whole person. She didn't treat symptoms of my eating disorder/depression etc, she treated me as me and I don't want to go back as having these labels placed on me.
I don't want to be known as the anorexic, the depressed one, the needy one or whatever else could possibly be said about me.

For some reason, I am really, really not good today. I managed okay over the weekend, but today I am not in a good place at all. It feels like any little thing will tip me over the edge, so I've stayed away from people - I haven't made contact with anyone apart from this thread. I don't know if it's because she's actually gone now, like she isn't in the office any more or if it's something else but I feel so much sadness, pain and self hatred right now.

I will consider contacting the GP at some point this week, but right now, just being awake is a real struggle.

If you are reading this, it's because I've chosen to give it to you. I debated whether to write this down, wondering whether it'll be helpful for me, but I decided to give it a go.
I just want to start this by saying that I am so, so happy for you. You will be a wonderful mum and your baby is very lucky. I am truly so pleased for you, although I can appreciate my reaction to the news may not have seemed like it.

I am beyond lucky to have had the joy of working with you for so many years now and our sessions have brought me so much peace and I finally felt content with how everything was, which is partly why your happiest news was my saddest moment. I appreciate that you can do anything you want in life and I am of no importance in the wider scheme of things, which is perfectly normal, however, I don't think I've really expressed just how important you are to me.

You have always treated me as a whole person. Not just an illness or parts of a person, but a whole human being, which is something I haven't had before. I know and understand just how happy you are to be embarking on this lovely journey and I am so pleased for you, I really am. I promise you with all my heart I am happy and I am really a kind, gentle person who would only ever wish the best for others.

Although I am pleased for you, I am so deeply sad to be saying goodbye to you. You have had such a positive impact on me and my life, you made me feel like I was worth something and I actually had value in the world, which is something I have always struggled with. Saying goodbye is something I've always struggled with, but this time it seems so much harder than ever before and that's because of the happiness our sessions brought me.

I have tried everything to get rid of this awful pain I feel at saying goodbye, ranging from not eating, taking too many tablets and even considering giving up on everything. This is all on me and it's for me to deal with, which I will, in time. I honestly despise myself for feeling like this and wish i could make it go away. I would never ever want you to be worried or upset, which is why I have no idea whether I'll give this to you or keep it for myself. You have enough to deal with right now and much bigger and better things to focus your energy on.

All I could ever wish for is for you to be healthy and happy in your life and that's what you are right now. This really is the best news and I am truly thrilled for you. I'll always be grateful to you for everything you have done for me. I know that in reality, I am nobody in your personal life, but I just want you to know the positive impact you've had on mine. I will never, ever forget you or anything you've done for me. I am truly grateful and forever will be. I do hope I get the chance to see you again. I wish nothing but the best for you and your family. Take care of yourself and enjoy every moment. I wish you all the luck in the world because you deserve it.

That's the letter I wrote to her. I didn't give it to her, I kept it to myself, but that's what I wrote. That is my true, honest feelings right now.
I know I'll get over this, I have before, but I am truly not in a good place right now.
I am contacting my GP in the morning to get my medication reviewed, so will go from there because this can't go on.

This! You show such kindness towards other posters - try and do the same with yourself xxx

That’s very eloquently expressed @Hamandcrispsandwich. Thanks for sharing it with us even though you decided not to give it to your therapist.
I’m so glad that you are making positive steps to move forward and to get yourself the further help you need and deserve. I hope your GP is supportive when you contact them - please carry on updating us if you are able to. xx

That's a beautiful letter @Hamandcrispsandwich. Had you given it to her, I'm sure she would have been as touched as we all are reading it. Thank you for sharing it with us here. I don't think it would be out of place if you did decide to have that letter posted on to her at some point. I think she would appreciate knowing about the impact you feel she has had on you. But I also understand why you might not want to do that. I do hope you get some relief soon.

How are you feeling today @Hamandcrispsandwich?
Have you managed to contact your GP about your medication?

Hope you are ok?

I am okay, thank you for checking - how are you doing?

I didn't sleep at all last night. I don't think I've ever cried so much in my entire life, so much that it made me sick. This overwhelming sense of sadness just came over me and there was nothing I could do. It's actually final. She's gone, whether I like it or not. It's painful, physically painful. I'd rather be physically hurt than feel this. I then woke up with a sore throat, but I carried on, did my job and now im here.

The postman knocked earlier and asked me if I was okay. I said I was, why? And he told me I look 'all washed out' - which did make me laugh. I contacted the surgery, but not until really really late, so I probably won't hear back until tomorrow!

Has anyone been up to anything exciting?

It’s amazing how you manage to still do your job with all you are going through mentally and physically. That shows a lot of tenacity and strength of character so you should give yourself credit for that.

Thanks for asking about me. I’m stuck in a weird state of limbo, hurtling towards financial disaster and seemingly unable to take the simple step to avoid it. I’m not sure if I am in self destruct mode because I feel like I deserve to suffer or whether I’m just paralysed by inertia. I’ve spent the whole day on the sofa bingeing on huge quantities of junk food so feel pretty sick about that too.

Hope you hear back from the GP tomorrow and they can offer you some much needed support. 💐

I've been following for awhile and just want to say how lovely and kind you sound.

Your letter was heartbreaking.

I wondered if you know if your surgery has a mental health practitioner? They can be a really good place to get referrals and may well know how to get round the issue with your bmi to help with the eating disorder.

Thank you. Just incase nobody has told you, you are such a kind, beautiful person. I'm so sorry that things are difficult right now.

Is contacting your GP something that you could do? Just to get yourself some support. I honestly don't like the thought of you struggling without any help and support at this difficult time that you've told me about.

I visited my clients family member this week and they were absolutely inconsolable after their loss. They were completely alone and I just sat with them all night. I didn't actually do anything at all, but they said my presence meant the world to them. Do you have anyone who could do that for you? Not necessarily to talk, but just to be there? The thought of you not having anyone is heartbreaking, so please know, you always have us on this thread.

You definitely don't deserve to suffer. After everything that has happened, you deserve kindness, compassion and support. I hope that's something you never forget.

Is there anything I can possibly do to help you? As you know, you're welcome to message me any time and I am just a stranger on the Internet, but if there's any help or support I or anyone on this thread can give you, please do say. Even if its just a message every day to check in with you. Everyone is here for you too x