AIBU to feel this devastated? I just want this pain to go

[Hamandcrispsandwich]

Hello,
I just want to start by saying I'm not in any way a cruel or malicious person, so please don't think I am.
I am currently in a terrible way mentally and I need someone or something to pull me out of it. I have depression, anxiety and a severe, chronic eating disorder. I have had years of therapy, psychiatrists, psychologists etc and EVERY SINGLE ONE has passed me on to someone else to "deal with" because I'm "too complex"
I've never had a level of consistency that I so deeply crave. Ive always been abandoned because something better has come along. I do have a job and a few weeks ago, one of my clients got drunk and was horrendously abusive to me over the phone. They told me I'm disgusting, I make them feel sick and why are people like me even alive, I have no purpose etc. I quickly terminated that, but please understand that these are all things I think about myself, but hearing it from someone else deeply hurt.

Now, I've had a therapist for 2 years. I started to feel able to open up fully this year, which I have done and she said "I promise you I won't leave you" consistently over these few months. Fast forward to my last session and she's leaving. We have one more session and she's leaving to have a baby, so I will be passed on to someone else again.
I am broken. I cannot tell you the level of devastation I feel. I haven't eaten a meal since we spoke, i keep crying all throughout the day and I absolutely hate myself for it.
I am so happy for her, I really am thrilled that she is having a baby, but this is completely overtaken by my own feelings and I don't know what to do.

1. I will never have a baby or family of my own, but it is something I've always craved, however, I have to accept I can never have it and now she does.
2. Once again, something better has come along and I have to just accept it and understand that I'll never be of any value in others lives.
3. I am being handed to someone else who doesn't particularly want me
4. I have to accept that I am disposable and easily replaceable and always will be.

Please do understand that I really am a kind, caring, gentle person and I don't know why this keeps happening to me. I just don't know how to get out of it. All I want is to not feel this sad. I wish I could make this pain and mental distress go away, but I don't know how to do that. I have to stay alive because there are people relying on me and i dont want to cause them any upset. I can't tell anyone in real life because they'll think I'm pathetic, which I know I am, but I just find this pain unbearable. I've had years of this and finally thought it wouldn't happen again but here i am. I thought I'd find it easier, but this is the hardest.

This is all my own fault. She's handled this as best she can. She as the only one willing to try with me, so I am forever grateful, but I feel so defeated and I just need this pain to go. I have a headache, I feel sick, all I do is cry or lie in my bed like the waste of existence I am, I can't eat, can't sleep and I just feel like I'm a complete and utter waste of oxygen.

Thank you for reading and for any replies. I'm currently lying in bed, so I'll respond to anything when I get up (IF I fall asleep) x

You don't sound nasty or selfish. You have a history of trauma and emotional abuse and as a consequence low self-worth. Therapist should never say things like I'll never leave you, because they can't promise that and also the aim of therapy is to help the client to become more independent with a more internal locus of evaluation, rather than seeking validation externally and becoming dependend on others. But it can take a long time in therapy for more self-acceptance and self-compassion to emerge etc. Your feelings are valid. Be kind to yourself.

I think when we’re severely depressed, traumatised etc, it’s very easy (if not unavoidable, really) to slip into a “me me me” state. It’s just impossible to see beyond the pain, it’s all consuming and it feeds itself. You just get completely wrapped up in it.

My suggestion would be to try and focus on others. Volunteer somewhere, be of service, get out of your own head.

It wasn’t quite like that but for me my main healing (of sorts, I still had counselling much later on) was when my circumstances changed so severely that I simply did not have the option to wallow. I was on automatic mode for a couple years and it was awful in a way, but it also made me get out of a massive pit of nothingness.

Sadly no outdoor space. I did do a community gardening scheme for those with mental health difficulties. At the time, we were only allowed 3 sessions as the wait list was so long, however, if you've done it previously, you're now not able to do it again unless you go back through the process of psychiatrists, which I'm no longer able to do as I have my diagnosis!

OP it makes sense that this feels really difficult and devastating because you’re losing someone who felt safe. Has your therapist discussed a transition plan with you. I appreciate you only have one more session with her, but could you call or email and ask her that you would like to discuss this next session?

You feeling the way you do isn’t a sign of weakness - it shows how much you survived and you absolutely have survived a horrible, abusive father.
i’m not a therapist, but it sounds like you have attachment trauma, which is unsurprising because your father told you that everyone leaves because you’re not ‘good enough’. That isn’t true, but I understand why it feels like this.

You say you don’t enjoy anything - it sounds like you feel emotionally numb, again, completely understandable.
Can you try to change this a little bit by asking yourself
Whar tiny thing feels least awful?
What is comfortable, rather than exciting?
What is tolerable for a few minutes?

and gradually explore these things to start to give yourself more focus on other things.

You’ve been through a lot and it may be worth thinking about the fact that joy might feel far away, but that’s ok - it can come later. I wish you future peace and safety.

Your childhood, and father especially, had made you extra sensitive to feeling abandoned.

Your therapist isn't abandoning you.
She leaving to have a baby.
That's no relection on you at all.

A lot of what you are telling yourself just isn't true.

You're not a bad or nasty person - your post alone demonstrates that you are happy for your therapist and also you references to prople who depend on you.

People aren't abandoning you - people move due to life circumstances, lack of time etc. Again it's not a reflection you.

You don't know the replacement doesn't want to deal with you. In fact, the majority of people like new clients, new customers etc.

Do one thing each day that you enjoy.
Tell yourself one positive thing about yourself every day.
Start slowly and build it up.

Your view of you isn't the same as others.

From your post you are kind, articulate - do you realise that? Yes, you are dealing with difficulties but it doesn't take away from the fact you are a decent person. I wish you could see that.

I am mid 30's for those who asked.
The last time I saw her, she said 'I'm having a baby so I'm off! Next month we'll have one more session and then ill give you to someone else' and that was all. I'm not able to contact her outside of sessions (which is understandable) unless it's a message regarding being unable to attend sessions, so I'll just have to wait and see I guess

Perhaps discuss how you feel and why
Is there another medication to help?
Like for all of us in the end we are all only reliant on yourself whoever is in our life.
While i can not fully understand for yourself finding small pleasures is something you could try..hobbies..pet?
Feeling anxious about a change when they could be perfectly fine must be exhausting.
Have you discussed trying to look and move past this only enjoyment with your current therapist.
I am sure asking your gp about possible changes or other options of you are so.miserable is worth while.

Have you ever written a letter to your Father telling him just how much of a wanker he was?

You could pour out all your rage (and if you don't feel Rage perhaps that's where your "stuck").

It doesn't matter if he's now dead (hurrah!) Or will never read your letter. Just get it all out of you where it's festering.

Finding your Rage may be the key to your freedom from his continuing abuse - because he's still in your head.

I have actually. I've written a few. Every new therapist, psychiatrist, doctor I've seen has asked me to do it, so I have. I feel better temporarily, but soon after, it all comes back. He is now dead and has been for many years!

With regards to other medications, I would have to go back to the psychiatrists, which requires a new referral and has a 9 month wait list, so doctors are keen to keep me on what I'm on.
There is also the issue regarding my local mental health unit. They won't see me as my BMI is too low for them to accept, however, the eating disorder unit won't accept me with any other mental health issues unless they're being treated by an additional service, so that's another issue that's hard to get round!
The mental health unit also won't prescribe unless they've spoken to the eating disorder team for their advice, however, they want to see me before they give advice, which again, is an 18 month wait list.

I had the most amazing and supportive woman's aid worker for a year. We had in person sessions mostly and usually a call or two in-between. She helped massively with post seperation abuse and family court. She left abruptly and I didn't even know why or get to say bye. No idea if it was a new job, illness, family circumstances etc.

It was really devastating at the time, but actually now I can see it was a good thing. I had become too dependent on her and it wasn't really healthy.

Time limited therapy and similar services is much more common now and I can see why. It's not just about allocating realises but also trying to prevent dependency.

If you have time volunteering is the best thing I've found to help. That and outdoor activities.

You’re not selfish you’re a human carrying trauma and human needs. Sending love in this tough time

I rejoined MN just to reply to you as I felt it was important.

A similar thing happened to me. My therapist was my everything. She told me we had a special relationship, she would text me regularly, she told me she would be there for me long term. It was a very close bond for several years (and totally inappropriate). But she was my family. Then she announced one day she wasn't well and was off. That was that.

I felt broken by this. I know many wouldn't understand but I experienced abuse growing up and lots of emotional abandonment and like you, I LONGED for someone to turn up and take care of me. The pain was unreal. I felt, too, like I was too much for most. I thought I would just be alone forever.

A few years on, I know that I was too dependent on her (due to the emotional neglect) and that she was not the way out of things. I also finally know that I can help myself and be ok. She was also totally negligent in giving me the impression she would be around long term, but I believe it came from a place of care. There are so many more people out there who can help, but most importantly, you can learn to help and love yourself. And that is better than anyone else doing a poor job of it.

Really we can all only rely on ourselves. Not in a negative sense of people are bad, they aren't, but life involves constant change and everyone is trying to survive in themselves and relying our ourselves brings many positives. You can do this, I know that because I see everything else you have survived. This therapist couldn't ever have been the one to save you because really only you have that power. It took being plunged into being on my own and being very frightened to learn that. I wasted energy begging her to not leave me that could have been poured into loving ME.

You have to get up and out. Connecting with others is essential. I promise many others feel as damaged and flawed as you do, which is why connecting matters so much. There are so many low cost or free things on these days - choirs, sports groups, reading groups, whatever. Pick anything and keep getting out as much as you can. Learn what makes you feel even the tiniest bit better and stick with that. You have to learn to shower yourself with care and compassion and it's a skill we can all learn. I used to go to things in the early days of my loss and feel nothing. I was just in so much pain and wanted my therapist back. Slowly I noticed myself enjoying things. I journalled, eventually I went to a bit more therapy, but have very much kept that in a place of being a tool to support ME, rather than a relationship to look after me. It is so much easier now. I am my own best friend and parent, and I treat myself every chance I get. It took practice.

The loos still hurts on bad days but I recognise now that is a response to a lot of neglect. It's ok to struggle and be human. We all need connection. Mostly though, my life has become really full and happy and I love looking out for myself. For the ED, there is a study just out on how keto has helped people recover (I know it seems v counterintuitive but it's about providing the brain with really intense nourishment and healing it metabolically, it seems). It's worth looking that up (with support from your GP maybe). I think volunteering and feeling needed is also life-saving. So many people out there would love a kind, gentle person helping them, you could do so much good with all your wisdom.

You can do this. I didn't think I could but time is a healer. I think you have all sorts to offer yourself and the world but you need to be very kind to yourself just while you navigate this loss. The real crime is your parent treating you so terribly. Little you didn't deserve that.

This is just a suggestion, but have you thought about going out walking, if you live near somewhere suitable? (Maybe like a park or something - not necessarily a massive hike in the countryside). I don't know if it would help, it's just a suggestion. I hope things will improve for you soon.

If you think animals would benefit your life, could you volunteer at a pet charity? I used to volunteer at a greyhound rescue on Saturday mornings and I loved the doggie snuggles and a lovely walk in the fresh air with them.

Some of my issue (and has been for many years) is that I HATE leaving my house. I spoke about this many years ago with psychiatrists and therapists, but I was always told it was normal. I feel very safe and protected in my house, like nothing or nobody can hurt me.
When I leave to see my therapist, I'm okay because I'm going from one safe place to another, I don't care what happens in between because I KNOW I'm going somewhere safe. I could never just "go for a walk" because there's no safety.
An example would be if a friend asked me to meet for coffee. I would turn that down because the coffee shop might not be safe. Going to the shops isn't safe either.
I can go to places where I would be safe, such as a hospital, GP surgery etc, so I don't care what happens on the journey as the end result is safety.

With regards to my dad, he did far more to me than I've explained here. I told my therapist the true extent of what he really did just this year and I guess some of my problem is that I feel disgusting because I told her and sometimes, I feel like thats WHY people go. The first psychiatrist I told looked at me and said 'ill have to pass you over to someone else' and this pattern has repeated itself. Nobody stays long term once they know the truth. I told a teacher at school, she then gave me to another teacher, who then left. Same thing with all psychiatrists - "we'll pass you to someone else" or "We'll pass you to another service" which never lasts or I never hear from them again.

I’m sorry you’ve experienced this OP. I would suggest that it’s not you they don’t want to deal with, but it’s the fact that they’re not experienced enough or qualified in the type of therapy that you need as a result of the abuse that you experienced, which is not your fault.
To repeat - they are not rejecting you, or disgusted by you, but I understand why, as a result of your experience that it feels that way.
With regards to going out, could you push yourself to maybe go out for a couple of minutes then come back? Woukd that be tolerable?
I totally get that it feels very uncomfortable and I think, because of trauma, your world feels very small and it’s hard to imagine ever feeling happy, but I hope you can and will, with the right support.

OP for what it's worth I've had things like this happen a couple of times in my life. Once when a young curate who had been working with students and mentoring/counselling me as part of her role left the church and once when a very special youth leader left the club I went to (role-model, mentor, helped me through a lot). It IS devastating and you are allowed to be devastated. You are not trying to trick her into staying...that would be evil,,, being devastated is not evil or even wrong. Best wishes.

I guess my issue is just being outside the house. To leave my home, I have to have a safe place to go, I couldn't go round the block as there isn't an "end goal" When you go out, you're often going somewhere. I feel like the world is too "big" for me? Like I don't belong in the world in a way, which is why I'm so dependent on others (yes, it's wrong, I know and I am trying) to give me a sense of belonging.

I never belonged to my dad and all I wanted was his approval. I did everything to try and please him and always failed. The last time I was in hospital, there were 25 patients, in the year I was there, everyone had ONE therapist. I had FOUR. I was the only one passed around and sometimes it feels like I'm nothing more than an object and I guess this is how I feel now.

I do hope you can all understand that I am trying, I really am. I know none of this is about me and I am truly thrilled for her, I just wish I didn't have this awful emotional pain to contend with.

I do honestly wish I could just be normal

I think, if you can, it would be helpful to reframe your thinking. So, rather than ‘I want to be normal’ (because you are defining yourself as ‘other’ or ‘less’) could you start to think about ‘I want to be happier’, ‘I want to feel safer’ etc.?
I know you’re happy for your therapist, but I don’t think she’s done a great job in preparing you for her leaving, by discussing what a transition plan would look like.
That being said, I’m taking from what you’ve posted that she is going to refer you to another therapist and it’s important that you continue to seek support.
You do belong in the world and it’s not wrong that you feel dependent on others - that’s not your fault. You were a child and your dad was abusive - I’m so sorry that happened to you.
You are a survivor and you’re dealing with the aftermath of what happened to you. You are not ‘wrong’ and do you know what? It’s absolutely ok to acknowledge your feelings about this situation - in fact it’s positive that you do recognise how you feel.
I’m sorry that this is painful for you and things are tough. Please keep talking to your new therapist.

Gosh I’m so sorry op

I suspect that in some ways a lot of the time it is actually you who needs to find the mental strength to actually change - eg the leaving your house thing - you could at least sit outside for a few minutes maybe?

The thing is there is no magic cure to make you do this? The pills, the therapy they only help so much and the final step is down to the individual - I think there are national helplines you can ring for support with your ED - or maybe some online forums?

Your father was a disgusting vile individual.

Try looking up the body keeps the score it might be useful

I hear you but we can learn to feel safe in the world again. You've clearly survived a lot. Are you in touch with any peer support online even? There will be some good groups out there on the internet for now. Just knowing others in the same boat can be really comforting.

At the end of the day, exposure to going out is what you need. That's the harsh reality of recovery, there is no shortcut. I get it's extremely hard (at first, it gets easier) but maybe a support worker could help get you out a bit more?

There is no future where you don't ever leave the home and just go out to see a therapist, I can tell you that. That's no life and no good therapist would want to facilitate this. I used to be very scared of people but once you get help around going out, you learn for yourself just how many really nice people there are out there. It's ok to start with small steps - a walk down one street, a walk to one coffee shop that you go to lots of times until your nervous system calms down and learns its safe, one trip out to one nice painting or pilates class or something similar. You can take it slow. But this is the key to life having meaning again and actual joy in it. I had to walk this path and it was so hard but I look back and realise my own brain was locking me in and so much of the fear wasn't needed (but it is understandable why I ended up with it). Tons of people out there would love to get to know you and have fun with you. There is so much that is in your hands to change here, as long as you can be brave and take a first step.

No one is really normal, I don't think. It's one of the things that has helped me. Lots of people look like they have it together but they are struggling in some way. Lots of people will understand what you've been through. Life would be boring if we were all the same, in any case.

She said I will be passed to another therapist for 3 sessions in her absence because that's what's been agreed (not with me) The reason I'm so worried about this is because in the clinic I go to, I've seen them all. She was my last option. They've all done the same thing, passed me on to someone else. I'm not given to training psychologists for obvious reasons.
I am happy for her, so so happy. She deserves the world and I'm delighted for her. I even brought her a card and have been looking for a small gift. When the poster above said 'why should she have a shit life to make you feel better?' I just felt awful because I would never want that. I honestly wouldn't.
I am genuinely a kind person who wants the best for others. I would never want anyone to suffer for the likes of me and I didn't want anyone to think that.
My two best friends in the world passed away (one recently) and I miss them so, so bad, I lost my client, who I adored and now this. It just feels like one thing after another and it's been like this for years.
I am so, so angry at myself for feeling like this. The happiest time in her life is one of my hardest and I do honestly despise myself today. I cannot believe how spiteful I am acting.

I have started (over the weeks) walking to throw the recycling. Not massive, but I guess it's something. I don't like getting dressed or even being outside. I feel exposed outside. I work completely from home (as advised by previous therapists and psychiatrists)

I guess by normal, I mean, I wish I could just eat normally. I wish I didn't have these poor eating habits which lead me to be the way I am. I wish food wasn't my way of gaining some kind of control over my life. Eating is normal and I had come so, so far recently with it, I've been at a stable weight for years, my bone health is stable, my physical health is stable and it feels like I'm back at the beginning.